[EzioAuditore]

Hi All,

Have been reading this forum for a while, trying to get some clear answers regarding my situation, but somehow I never could relate to anyone's situation.

I had been with my ex for almost 7 years, she's almost 30 and I'm almost 29. We had met in a bar I used to work. I used to really like her best friend and wanted to out with her but she never looked interested in me so I never asked her out. On the other hand my ex always showed interested in me and eventually we hooked up weeks later. She was pretty even though slightly overweight, but it never bothered me because I really like her anyway and she had such a great and charming character.

I spent many months happy with her but somehow I started feeling less attracted to her as time passed by, and at around 2 years I decided to end the relationship. I thought of telling her while we were washing my car at her place. It was a big mistake, she took it really badly and started hitting the garage doors and getting VERY emotional, telling me that I just threw away 2 years of her life and so on (It was only the second time I ever tried to break up with someone). I couldn't deal with it so eventually told her that we still give it a go.

Unfortunately this feeling never left my mind and every now and then, more often than not, doubts start crawling in, and I have times where I don't find her attractive (and feel so sad, angry and unhappy) and others where I really do and I feel great.

I noticed that she looks gorgeous when she dolls herself up, but not as much without the makeup.

We had been together for almost 7 years and she is the most loving and caring person you'd ever know (together with all her family), and I'm not just saying it. I also treat her very well and we hardly have any arguments and she loves me to bits. I really believe were she more attractive I would have definitely marry her and have kids. Unfortunately, a few months before our breakup she was pressuring me into getting married. I tried to postpone and shrug the topic until recently I felt it was getting into me and started feeling suffocated and pressured. I was also being told by my family about her biological clock and that it was ticking.

Anyway, about three weeks ago I started having doubts again like I occasionally do, but this time it was worse. I knew that time was ticking and that I have to eventually make a move. But every time I was trying to picture myself with her for the rest of my life was killing me. On the other hand I knew that I could not find a more loving and caring person like her, the kind you know she will never cheat on you.

I spent two weeks thinking constantly. I was not sleeping, eating and smoking like hell. I was a wreck. I decided to stay then I say that I cant, over and over again. Eventually I decided I had to break it up with her, and I devastated her. I know, I feel I killed a part of her. She did not deserve this.

Long story short, or at least I try. I left her a week ago and I feel worse. She's a mess and I don't know what to do.

Please help ;(

[lifeistough75]

This is going to be a mess for her for a long time, after all 7 years is a long time. However the moral of the story for rest of us is that, when you know you have to break up, just do it, postponing will only make it worse, and worse yet, begging someone to come back to a relationship(like your ex did) will ensure that doubts linger in the minds of the dumper.
For you, the best thing is to cut off all contact, you want to comfort her by leaving the channels of the communication open, however, in her mind, this would create false hope of you someday changing your mind. It is going to be a devastating period for her. Why did you wait for 7 years? Much of the blame is on you for this one for not communicating your thoughts with her much earlier.

[aimee_tt]

You stay out of her life. You should have left her after 2 years. Not stayes for an extra 5!

You should have left her then even if she was angry. Look how hurt she is now... Let this be a lesson for next time.

Now what you need to do is No Contact. You need to let her move on with her life and find someone who thinks she is beautiful.

I really don't understand how you could stay with her for 5 years when you wernt attracted to her and knew you had no future...

But anyway I hope you handle it better if this ever happens again

[vanheart]

This whole thing started with your "ex"
You wanted someone else & still do.

"I spent many months happy with her"
In seven years?

"I started having doubts again like i occasionally do"
Did you hear that one?

"She was pretty even though slightly overweight"
"I noticed that she looks gorgeous when she dolls herself up, but not as much without the makeup.
How gross....

Forgive her for getting with someone that is always looking.

Letting her go is the best thing you can do for both of you.

Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Whats the question again?

"I really believe were she more attractive...

[kp2171]

Well... you don't stay in her life because you feel guilty about time spent.

Most people in long term relationships, at some point, fall out of love with the other... or, at least they fall "less in love" with the other?

It happens.

I'm not going to tell you what you need and want. That's your decision.

But you don't get to stay around because it makes you feel less guilty.

Physical attraction is not all there is to any relationship. And, that said, we get So Many posts about one lover who just isn't attracted or interested in the other.

All the time.

If you aren't willing to chase your lover, and she isn't willing to chase you... well... I think its time to call it done.

She deserves to be wanted and chased. You aren't going to do that.

I mean... I'm all for no holds barred. No pretense. I just love straight up talk. I love to know where I stand... not what the other person thinks I want to hear. I like reality. A lot.

So... I'm glad you came here to try to work this out.

Unless you have the balls to talk to her face to face about your wants and needs... and I mean really... you say how you feel... you have no chance together.

So be done. Or step up.

Meaning id rather have an honest lover tell me "i need to be done" than to have one lead me on year after year after year.

It might be ugly. Fine. Breakups usually are. At least for one person. Sometimes both.

But... again... when given a choice between believing a lie and knowing the truth... well... I find there is a lot of healing in knowing the truth... as ugly as it can be.

[vanheart]

"id rather have an honest lover tell me "I need to be done" than to have one lead me on year after year after year.
"

Yup.

[talaniman]

Well you got what you wanted, your freedom. About time you came clean and got honest with yourself.

Healing for you both will take a long time, so I hope you leave each other alone.

[lickemlolly]

Yeah you hurt her... but face it you knew you didn't want to be with her years ago and you let it go on... she is lacking something you obviously need to make it work... and the others are right you should have done this way back at the 2 year mark... let her go so she can move on... and you do the same... future bit of advice don't stay with someone out of pity because you feel bad.. you WILL hurt them eventually

[Kitkat22]

Are you Brad Pitt? I doubt it. Looks aren't the only thing that matters? Hope she finds someone else.

[vanheart]

Me too. Let her go. She deserves better.

[positiveparent]

I heard this saying once and I feel theres something in it.
"If you can't love the one you want love the one youre with"

Obviously for 7 years there was something about this woman you wanted and liked, or did you consider her a charity shag?

You too arent perfect no one is, we all have flaws and foibles and most of us see beyond them, and its not the outward appearance of beauty that matters its the inner beauty a person has.

So now youve ended the relationship invalidated the last 7 years for this woman, and you are feeling bad about it, well I usually make a point of not passing judgement on others however in this instance I have to say, you deserve to feel bad youve led this woman on for 7 years, knowing you didnt view her as potential wife or mother material, youve shattered her illusions, and broken her dreams, and if you feel bad about that then so be it, you are the only person responsible for you and your life, we cannot go around using other people until what we really want comes along, she had what you wanted for 7 years. Whether you agree with that or not. Maybe you have finally come clean, but had you done this years ago you couldve both been in a better place now,

It doesnt say much about you as a person if looks mean more than personality.

I hope you find what youre looking for, eye candy, but also be aware the better looking a person is the more shallow theyre likely to be, I just hope that after finding that you can't attract the kind of person you want you dont decide to go back to this woman, and disrupt her life again after shes moved on.

[kp2171]

You don't have to feel good about hurting her, but you should feel like it's the right thing to do when you aren't right for her and/or she isn't right for you.

She will move on without you. It might hurt like hell. Might take a lot of energy. Might be a long road. Been there done that.

But knowing you have serious doubts... its just better to cut the ties and know that if you stayed together, you'd just put off the inevitable.

There are times, I believe, when a relationship has run its course, that one person will find whatever reason is available to break it off. Some relationships are meant for a time, not all time. You've hit the wall, and you've found your justification for leaving.

We don't have to like it. But id much rather have you step up and walk away when the "loving feeling" is gone.

Gone.

Gone.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

First time in 5K+ posts I get to reference hall and oates.

Sweet. Cross that off the bucket list.

[vanheart]

Don't forget the Righteous Brothers. Respect due.

[Kitkat22]

Leaving a woman because she isn't attractive... how noble. Take a good look in the mirror and you will see a guy who thinks "he's all that". In the words of the great Joe Tex, "if you think no other man wants her, just throw her away and you will see. Some man will have her before you can count 1 2 3." The song is , You Had Better Hold On To What You've Got. Good luck Casanova

[vanheart]

Like the Mighty Diamonds version of that one.
Reggae one.

Sorry. I better stop. There's so many.

[kp2171]

Dont forget the Righteous Brothers. Respect due.

Soundly corrected.

[Kitkat22]

soundly corrected.

The one that fits the OP is "You're SO Vain":mad:

[Enigma1999]

Hello,

I think that you should let her go once and for all. Stop vacillating over this and make up your mind! You are toying with her and it's clear she deserves a man who will love her unconditionally for who she is and what she looks like.

From what you tell me she sounds like a sweet heart! Warm, caring, understanding, compassionate, all the qualities I would want in a man, even if he was only average... To me, yes, I want to have a spark, but it's all in how I am treated.

Let me ask you this, say you are with that blonde, big breasted, nice legs, nice a$$, just a hottie, but doesn't treat you the same way this girl did, and one day hottie is in an unfortunate car accident which has left her face/body deformed? Then what? You will move on?

Hey, I'm not here to judge you, and it's quite obvious that you genuinely care, or else you wouldn't be asking. So welcome to our world and keep asking, as we will try to help you.

Just remember though, looks WILL fade, then what's left? A person who cares deeply for you, who would kill for you, would die for! Would bare YOUR children, love you in sickness and in health, through the good times and the bad. Who will think you are the cats meow! Who will think that you are still the most beautiful person in the world. Who will think you look your best even at your worst. Who won't care what your paycheck looks like. Who will make a great daughter in law. Who will love you for YOU!

Think about it!

[Kitkat22]

Hello,

I think that you should let her go once and for all. Stop vacillating over this and make up your mind! You are toying with her and and it's clear she deserves a man who will love her unconditionally for who she is and what she looks like.

From what you tell me she sounds like a sweet heart! Warm, caring, understanding, compassionate, all the qualities I would want in a man, even if he was only average.... To me, yes, I want to have a spark, but it's all in how I am treated.

Let me ask you this, say you are with that blonde, big breasted, nice legs, nice a$$, just a hottie, but doesn't treat you the same way this girl did, and one day hottie is in an unfortunate car accident which has left her face/body deformed?? Then what? You will move on?

Hey, I'm not here to judge you, and it's quite obvious that you genuinely care, or else you wouldn't be asking. So welcome to our world and keep asking, as we will try to help you.

Just remember though, looks WILL fade, then what's left? A person who cares deeply for you, who would kill for you, would die for! Would bare YOUR children, love you in sickness and in health, through the good times and the bad. Who will think you are the cats meow! Who will think that you are still the most beautiful person in the world. Who will think you look your best even at your worst. Who wont care what your paycheck looks like. Who will make a great daughter in law. Who will love you for YOU!

Think about it!

Unless he's a millionaire he won't be able to get a hottie. Not with his attitude.

[kp2171]

mixed bag on this side.

one of the sexiest women I know isn't one whom id call stunningly beautiful physically... but she just has It. The right mix and combo for me. Confident. Naughty. Laughs a lot. And somewhat physically attractive to me... but taken in whole, she's my kind of girl, even tho' we won't date.

but really.

I just don't buy into the "looks mean nothing" angle. Yes. Beauty fades. Or changes. Or gets redefined.

but I can tell you I'm hard wired for certain things physically. I may not need them, or need them all, but they are hot buttons.

I'm glad the OP'er is stepping back. He needs to. She needs him to.

I'm not going to call him a complete pig. People fall out of love for a number of reasons. Chances are, there's more to the story than what he said.

how many young girls date guys because they are "hot"? There are two in my work area dating guys mostly because they are attractive and outgoing. They are not seeking out the out of shape introvert... is that wrong?

they are deliberately filtering out other men who aren't as hot.

doesn't matter if it's a male or female... we get so many posts here about that spark being gone. The desire being lost. In this case, he can state that its tied to her looks.

maybe he was never all that attracted in the first place, but the newness of the relationship compensated for that lack of overlap. Oops happens.

I've yet to date any woman who went out into the world most days without some primping and preening, even when I thought that early morning bed head was sexy as sin when looking at me in the early morning light.

if you don't want to be measured by attractiveness, then stop it. Don't be a victim by not playing the game. You go first. No?

that's of course a bit of nonsense. We all play the game. We all look to impress others and to boost our confidence by our physical appearance.

why be ashamed of it?

sexual attraction is one of many ways I expect to be measured. And I'm OK with that.

I don't want anyone to stay with be because of that one thing, but I also am willing to accept the "i just dont have that spark for you" angle... I've had one Big Love use that against me... and in the end... it was a lot easier to just accept that.

I hadn't changed. If anything, I was more fit and in better shape, making more money. She wanted something new and different. Our time had passed. Fine. Its OK. There was enough overlap in enough areas to get things rolling... but after two years... some of that overlap wasn't enough for her to stave of the restlessness.

today, I'm thrilled we had that talk. Grateful for her awareness of the situation. Yeah... sucked at the time and I had some self doubts, but I survived.