[ReyArthur]

So I've been with my girlfriend for almost 8 years and were coming to a point where a clear decision needs to be made. I have made it abundantly clear that I do not plan to have children or get married. Its nothing to do with her I just don't believe in the ritual and I know that after what I have been through in life it has become clear to me that I do not want to bring another person into this world. She has told me repeatedly that she is OK with this and loves me and wants to be with me. What I'm worried about is that as time goes on and all of her friends get married and have babies and she still hasn't done either of the two with me, will she start to resent me? I do love her, but I want to see her happy. As we tip toe closer to our 30's I know that there is something inside her that wants to have children. I sometimes want to break it off just so that she still has some time to meet someone she can trust and fulfill that need.

[QLP]

If you love and trust her, and have made it abundantly clear that this is your stance and that it will not change, then accept that she has made the decision to be with you and is prepared to forgo marriage and children.

By all means tell her you are worried that she may one day come to regret the decision but don't take that choice out of her hands if you are both happy with everything else.

We all have things we cannot have, and things we choose to go without so we can have something else.

Do you worry that in time you two might end up apart anyway, and that your partner will have given up her chance of having children for nothing? If this is the case then a really good heart to heart with her where you both explore all possiblilites might be a good idea.

[talaniman]

Express you thought honestly, but if she really gets tired of you and want children and the whole nine yards, then she will make the decision to leave and pursue it.

Unless she is pestering you for these things, then its all YOU trying to speak for her. Stop tripping on her happiness, as she has hung in for 8 years, so what's the NEED for changing what's working??

[Cat1864]

Before you take any more steps, ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I love her?

2. Do I want to spend my life with her?

3. Do I want to stay faithful to her and only her?

4. Do I want to share my dreams of the future with her and share her dreams?

5. Do I want her to help me realize my dreams and give her support for her dreams?

6. Do I want her to help me through the bad times and to help her through hers?

7. Do I want to be able to walk away at any time for any reason or no reason at all? Do I want her to be able to walk away?

If you don't love her, want to share good times and support each other through bad times, or grow old with her by your side, then walk away now. Marriage is only the outer showing of inner emotions, desires and needs. Even if you don't believe in the ritual, do you believe in the love, faithfulness, loyalty, caring, and sharing that it symbolizes?

If you do, then give her the chance to make her own decisions. If you don't, then why have you been with her for eight years?

If you don't want to 'bring a child' into the world, what are your feelings on caring for one who is here and needs someone?

[Kitkat22]

Are you sure you want to break it off because of her needs?

Women are nurturers and they want children. That's natural.
Most women I should say want babies.

Maybe you really want out. Think about it.

[lickemlolly]

You told her clearly that you didn't want kids and the wasn't going to change... she told you she was OK with that... what more do you need? Maybe she doesn't want either of those things... youre asking if you should walk away from her when she already told you she was o k with it.. I don't really see the issue here... if you aren't sure then ask her again if she understands that you will not change your mind about having children or getting married... and if she says she is still OK with that then leave it alone and don't worry about it anymore

[positiveparent]

Arent you locking the stable door before the horse has had a chance to eat its hay? If your g/f has accepted you on your terms whats your problem, and if she does at some later time decide she does want a child, then she will have to tell you of this herself but as we can none of us fortell the future you have nothing to go on but your own self doubts, are you 100% sure that you wont ever want a child.?

I know children arent the bee all and end all of a relationship, and your partner is on the tour with you from what you say, so why worry about something that may never happen and end a otherwise good relationship over something thats possibly only valid in your own mind, you trust her I presume although reading your post one might think otherwise. Give the woman the benefit of honesty...

Or perhaps you have some other reason for wanting to end the relationship, or are you perhaps looking for reassurances from her. ?

Dont trouble trouble till trouble troubles you...

[lifeistough75]

I don't understand how after so many years in relationship, people just can't communicate with the other partner about what is troubling them? Just sit down and have a heart to heart chat. No issues should be off the table after so many years.

[asking]

I also wonder if you are actually looking for an excuse to end the relationship. Are you feeling like you are on autopilot and ready to start fresh and this is the reason you came up with?

Or are you afraid she'll change her mind and talk you into having kids?
Are you afraid she won't change her mind and talk you into having kids? In other words, were you counting on her to insist on kids because at some level you DO want them?

Just asking...

If you are sure none of these things are true, then, I agree that a heart to heart is in order to clarify that you are not planning to change your mind and she should not be waiting for you to change your mind. But bear in mind that you are asking her to commit to a certain kind of relationship and that you are committing as well. Can you live with that? In some senses, you are dealing with the issues of marriage despite the absence of the ceremony.

[vanheart]

Great comments.

I agree, seems like your are worried about something that hasn't, or may not happen yet.

Successful relationships involve constant communication.

Talk to her about your concerns.

[Kitkat22]

I think you want out and you need an excuse. If you really love someone you don't ever want to let them go.

[vanheart]

True that.