[Nohitter410]

Yes very true. Honesty is the best policy. I just think instead of skirting around the issue of no contact, let her know how I feel once and for all without being too dramatic so we can move on and be more independent and will give each other the understand that time and space may not bring up back together but if we don't give each other time and space we will also never be back together either.

I just hate being so repetitive, I just don't want to string her along either just because I am doing good. I want her to be doing good too. So she will truly know if it was meant to be. And some people are more blunt than others.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Yes very true. Honesty is the best policy. I just think instead of skirting around the issue of no contact, let her know how I feel once and for all without being too dramatic so we can move on and be more independent and will give each other the understand that time and space may not bring up back together but if we don't give each other time and space we will also never be back together either.

I just hate being so repetitive, I just don't want to string her along either just because I am doing good. I want her to be doing good too. So she will truly know if it was meant to be. And some people are more blunt than others.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here..

Don't get too bogged down (so to speak) in the No Contact concept. It is important, but in your case, there does seem to be an area of true hope of making a successful reconcilliation.

It is possible, not guaranteed by any measure but possible. I think this is why in this case, communication may be necessary for the reasons I pointed out in my previous response.

I might need some correction here from someone else but I believe this is the correct way forward.

Stick around and wait until you get a second opinion before you decide what you are going to do Nohitter.

Oh... I like what you said about not wanting to string her along and that you want her to be doing good too.. This shows good character and sincerity!!

Good for you! Don't change!

[Allheart]

Nohitter,

I would take Geoff's advice and run with it. It is perfect and the best way to handle this situation.

Geoff, I could not agree more about the stringing along... yes, it shows incredible character and a truly great person to have such concern.

Nohitter, this will work out.

Wishing you the best.

[talaniman]

By Nohitter,
Ok back to my question, I am doing pretty good right now, having fun with friends and family, going out, throwing myself into my work and trying to enjoy life. I still can't get her out of mind but I am still having fun. She on the other hand is confused in my opinion and really wants me but we both know if we got back together it would never work right now. How do I let her know without just cutting her off and giving her no contact that she needs to move on right now and lead a more independent life without expressing too many feelings. I am afraid she will drink every night and just not get her life in order

First off you have not practiced no-contact, but you have managed to talk yourself into some kind of fantasy that even if it happens will do you or your ex any good at all. In every post you've written you've made no secret that you wanted to get back with the ex. Now, as far as I can see you have been here a month and how many times have you talked to you ex? How many times have you led her on about getting back together later, after this break. How can she move on under these circumstances? What you are doing has nothing to do with the advice given and in no way resembles the no contact that has been advised. What you have is a plan to keep your ex if you so desire and put everything on someone else if it fails. You have every right to do as you please, but be honest about it, you have and always will think that you will be with your ex again and will do nothing to let her go in her own direction. That's control to me and will backfire, in MY opinion. So stop trying to sell yourself a bill of goods only you believe, and don't hide behind an idea you don' believe in ( no contact) and be honest about your agenda, getting her back whether she has improved or not. Your helping yourself at her expense.

[Geoffersonairplane]

That's control to me and will backfire, in MY opinion. So stop trying to sell yourself a bill of goods only you believe, and don't hide behind an idea you don' believe in ( no contact) and be honest about your agenda, getting her back whether she has improved or not. Your helping yourself at her expense.

Interesting point...

I never thought of it like this but I read the post again and there could be some truth in what tal says here..

Don't take it to heart Nohitter but I think Tal is right, you need to be clear on your agenda.

I think it is just a case of being honest with her, communicating exactly how you feel at this stage.

You need to be honest with yourself too!

[ordinaryguy]

I am afraid she will drink every night and just not get her life in order.

.....

I just don't want to string her along either just because I am doing good. I want her to be doing good too.

I can tell that you are a very compassionate person and truly want what is best for both of you. But you have to be very careful not to try and take responsibility for her. The terrible truth is that we each have to choose for ourself how to respond to problems and crises in our lives. I think the advice you're getting here is good, and I applaud your concern for her, just be careful to draw the line where it needs to be and don't allow her to blackmail you by threatening to make bad choices. You can encourage and support her, but you can't make her choose wisely. One of the hardest lessons in life is to let those we care deeply about make bad choices and reap the consequences, but real love demands nothing less.

[Geoffersonairplane]

One of the hardest lessons in life is to let those we care deeply about make bad choices and reap the consequences, but real love demands nothing less.

I like the way you put that!

[Nohitter410]

I definitely agree with the way you are putting this. When I give advice on her I definitely should sometimes heed my own advice. In no way do I have to be there making sure she makes every right decision. Let her do whatever she wants.

It is up to me decide what I want. Going away and having fun is what I am doing but constantly thinking and talking about her makes it that much harder.

I am just tyring to find a balance between having a good time and disappearing but sometime the only way to see if that person really means something is to wipe it clean and try to move on and see if down the road she does come back.

As far as one of your comments tal, I have not been following the no contact rule. But not the way you put it. I do come on here and talk about her but I have only called her once since the breakup. She called me and made numerous attempts to contact. I did respond but only later on. I was not available. Obviously I didn't not answer her call for 2-3 months. It is still fresh in both of our minds and I guess I need to start thinking for myself. Instead of always trying to be honest with her maybe I need to be honest with myself.

[talaniman]

I am just tyring to find a balance between having a good time and disappearing but sometime the only way to see if that person really means something is to wipe it clean and try to move on and see if down the road she does come back.

Not to beat a dead horse, we already know how you feel about her. If you have any notion that healing is anything other than putting you in a healthy place, with a healthy mind, to make healthy decisions, based on reality, then you are doomed to failure. The reason I repeat this message is your continual hope of getting back with her, an idea YOU MUST let go for any progress to happen. You don't have to tell me how hard it is , I already know.

It is up to me decide what I want. Going away and having fun is what I am doing but constantly thinking and talking about her makes it that much harder

Amazing how many times we already know the answers to our questions, but just don't know it.

[Nohitter410]

Yeah can't just talk if I don't believe the words

[Geoffersonairplane]

Not to beat a dead horse, we already know how you feel about her. If you have any notion that healing is anything other than putting you in a healthy place, with a healthy mind, to make healthy decisions, based on reality, then you are doomed to failure. The reason I repeat this message is your continual hope of getting back with her, an idea YOU MUST let go for any progress to happen. You don't have to tell me how hard it is , I already know.Amazing how many times we already know the answers to our questions, but just don't know it.

Listen to this nohitter...

I have had to face up to this...

I believe you must too..

For your own sake!

Hard I know but you must try!!

[rol]

<< She on the other hand is confused in my opinion and really wants me but we both know if we got back together it would never work right now. How do I let her know without just cutting her off and giving her no contact that she needs to move on right now and lead a more independent life without expressing too many feelings.>>

Of course she must be confused! And I doubt she cannot move on at all.
You have not been very clear with her in my opinion, She obviously thinks ye are going to get back together and is not moving on.
Are you just keeping her on the sidelines in case you change your mind in a few months and don't find anything better out there? Either break up properly or get back together with her but don't leave the poor girl in a state of Limbo... that is not a nice place to be... I am speaking from personal experience here. It could help her a lot to get real closure.

[Nohitter410]

Most people know my situation but it has been a little over 2 months now since I became single. My ex girlfriend asked for a break of 3 weeks where I responded by saying why take a break now and fool each other. Let's take a real break while we still don't hate each other.

I enjoy being single and she is now with a new man.

My birthday was Jan 4 and she texted me at 1 am to say happy 23rd birthday then in the evening she imed me probably thinking I may not have got the text and wrote happy birthday old man. I responded to neither. I guess my reasoning to not respond was to show her I am moving on because I am and if she doesn't have the decency to pick up the phone and call me then there is no reason to respond.

I was wondering if I did the right thing because I still do at some point want to talk to her again but I understand realistically that a relationship with us would never work right now. I am out in DC and she is Michigan with school still left.

I feel great about myself having lost about 18lbs now, going out with friends, getting closer with my family and thriving in my job. I am only 23 and I am trying to make the most of my life and do something with it. What I want to accomplish has nothing to do with her or any woman for that matter. I still have very strong feelings for her but unlike others on this site I don't pretend that I am in no contact but still I'm and text and what not. I have not made any contact although I won't lie I did call her on her birthday just to wish her a happy birthday. Her mom and grandma were in the background yelling we wish you were here drinking with us. But that was it.

Not sure what I am asking just had to write to someone.

[Allheart]

Nohitter,

If it felt right inside for you to not respond, then yes, you did the right thing. I am not a fan of someone not responding to messages, however, you have done so well for yourself since the break, you have to go with what is healthy for YOU. Concerning yourself about down the line, is something that you should not worry about right now.

So glad for all the progress you have made and all the happiness you are experiencing. Good for you.

If it does not effect your progress, perhaps you could just send a "thank you" back to one of her messages. It all depends on you. Will it bother you more not to reply at all, or to just acknowledge the fact that she did wish you a Happy Birthday, just as you did for her.

Personally, I think the polite thing to do, is a quick reply, just saying "Received your message, Thanks". But only if you are comfortable inside with that.

[Bluerose]

The relationship ended amicably. I think what she did was quite sweet, and a thank you would have been in order.

Like we tell the young ones who are worried about asking for or accepting a date… She is not asking you to marry her. She simply wished you a happy birthday. Try not to see more into it than there is.

A young one may ignore something like a text because they are in a huff with the other person. Adults deal responsibly with their contacts - so long as that contact isn't simply out to hassle them.

[Skell]

Nohitter I think if you feel what you did was right, then I think it was right. If you didn't think it necessary to reply, then I agree.

This is your life now and she isn't a part of it. That was decided months back.

You don't owe her anything in my book, just as she doesn't owe you anything.

So I hope you would not have been here angry and disappointed if she didn't send you that message, because that would be hypocritical of you.

Just be sure that you treat people with respect though. Don't do things with the hope that it will affect someone else negatively. Do things with the hope that it will affect YOU positively. Keep that in mind and I'm sure it will work out the best for all involved.

Hope that made sense. Im a little rusty having been away for so long!

[Nohitter410]

Thanks very true... didn't really look at it like that

[chuff]

I was wondering if I did the right thing because I still do at some point want to talk to her again but I understand realistically that a relationship with us would never work right now

Yes. Your under no obligation to talk to her until YOU are ready.

[Copperhead6]

Chuff is right, you don't have to talk to her until you are ready but you might have wanted to at least thank her for saying that unless you just wanted to give the impression of being rude. If someone walking down the street said happy birthday and you ignored it directly it would mean that you still were harboring negative feelings. Not saying that you would have to go back to talking regularly but if u do have intentions of talking to her at some point that was a starting point. She remembered your b-day which is a good thing and seemed nice about it but in the end you have to do what is best for u! Which is feel good about yourself!

[s_cianci]

As others have said, do what's right for you. There wouldn't have been any harm in just replying to her birthday wishes with a simple "Thanks" and leaving it at that, but it's up to you. Neither option is right or wrong.