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fireguy40 · Jul 31, 2010, 11:23 AM

Your doing well mate, don't beast yourself! I dropped some big ones with my ex, read my thread if you want to see how badly I did lol, its 60 days nc for me now and things still hurt but each day gets better and better !

elwoodb · Aug 1, 2010, 06:50 PM

Hey fireguy had a good read of your thread and I can say we both have made similar mistakes! Thanks for the support! Btw thanks for doing your job, it's greatly appreciated.

Nothing much to update, still in NC, work if anything is causing a lot more heartache more then her. Of course it's seems a lot easier when she isn't contacting me.

Starry nights · Aug 2, 2010, 02:24 AM

I know I may sound a tad weird myself when I say this,but are you very sure you wouldn't like a clean break-up and then move on?

There's been too many "break-up"conversations,confusion,arguments here,which ,may have diluted the truth for you--which is that she's kind of not there anymore.However,she was also the woman who,as you say yourself,did drop everything and follow you where you went.

Strange how things change,maybe it's the distance,maybe you two grew apart,who knows for sure.Its a dead relationship,that's for sure but before actually putting the lid on it,just for your sanity's sake,just for old time's sake,if YOU feel YOU need more explanations/venting/a final talk,then by all means go for it.Sometimes,saying the words "I AM BREAKING-UP WITH YOUY" or hearing them being yelled at you,bring about the much required resolve to move on that one might not be able to muster otherwise.

But,before that,if NC is working for you,then Don't break NC.Carry on with your healing and recovery.

elwoodb · Aug 3, 2010, 05:54 AM

G'day starry nights, I have read your post several times and it certainly has given me some food for thought. I have thought it over thoroughly and I'm pretty sure that I should stay no contact. Whilst I can see some advantage in talking to her again, such as asking more questions and getting a better understanding as to what has happened. But I can also see a lot more ways in which I feel I might get hurt further. I fairly certain that the truth about what has actually been going on will only ever be known to her, and I would pickup on this and it would degrade into another argument which would help her move on and set me back further. I think at the moment she is intent on playing the victim and turning me into a villan (she actually told me that was what she was trying to turn me into in her mind) if we contact and have another fight I think that would enable her to continue perception of me. I admit I made mistakes, but I was always dedicated to her and when push came to shove at work and they asked what would I choose, my dream job or her, I chose her... Guess neither was supposed to be. So currently I'm picking myself up and starting from scratch, find a new place and good job and if one day I'm lucky might meet another nice girl to put the icing on the cake. But first I have to organise all the baggage out of what has happened from this relationship!

talaniman · Aug 3, 2010, 06:38 AM

You are very perceptive in seeing further talking/questioning her will make you the villain, and her a victim. Most of the questions you have can only be answered later, by you, as a break up involves what you do to cope with the reality of what has happened, and despite your feelings right now, bowing out gracefully, and focus on your own healing is the way to go, simply because your stuck on a losing idea, understanding what happened. After a proper healing from this break up, you will just accept what we all go through many times in our lives, people and circumstances are subject to change, for many different reasons, and we have to move on, and keep going forward.

That's where you are, unable to move forward, but will very soon. Once you figure out that No Contact, is your first adjustment to make for yourself.

elwoodb · Aug 3, 2010, 04:08 PM

Thanks tal, figured that I was pretty much on the money with what I have been doing. Got woken up by her trying to call me this morning, ignored the call she didn't leave a message so it can't have been that important! Once all the removals have been done it will make it a lot easier to move on. So by the end of next week I should have all of it done and can move on, although I feel I've done a lotof the hard work so it should hopefully be easier from then onwards.

vanheart · Aug 3, 2010, 04:17 PM

You are doing the right thing by committing to NC. Honestly, it works. Did for me.

I can even tell you how glad I am right now for nipping all the drama in the bud immediately. Not subjecting myself to BS words anymore.

In essence, I had heard all I needed to hear when I got dumped.

Not to say that that road isn't challenging, but forces us to heal & discover way more than you would have otherwise.

You will go through lots of stages. Every one will have meaning, make sure you use this lesson well.

If you do some self digging, you will come out way better than before.

Takes time, man.

elwoodb · Aug 4, 2010, 01:50 AM

Cheers vanheart, I certainly feel like I'm heading on the right track and as you say it's going to take time. She called me at work today, I had emailed her about a bill that I wanted her to pay half of, I had forgotten how obsessed with money she was! She tried to have a fight on the phone with me saying she wasn't going to pay half etc. She then tried to say she would pay a percentage, fortunatly maths isn't a strong point for her and when she did the sums it came out that she had to pay more. So she has agreed to payhalf lol.

She told me that she has contacted our mutual friend and was angry at her over something she had said to me (that she was sorry for introducing us, but it wasn't as blunt as that). I had mentioned it during our last face to face talk, she had been stewing over it and attacked our friend! Didn't call her did it via email, that has really convinced me to stay NC! She can't spew molten anger at me if I don't talk to her! This was not the person that I know!

vanheart · Aug 4, 2010, 07:17 AM

When are you going to go NC?
Sounds like you are still deep in the drama.

elwoodb · Aug 4, 2010, 06:56 PM

No contact I hate to say it won't be fully enforced until next Friday when removals are all done, house is shutdown and it's properly sorted. I am avoiding contact with her as much as possible, if I do it's always via email. She has my work number, which I can't screen so I don't really have a choice but to talk in that instance. Yesterday helped clarify lot for me, glad I'm not with her, she has changed a lot - turned into this angry person, which is not very indeering!

vanheart · Aug 4, 2010, 07:08 PM

Can't wait for you to finally go NC. Lots of personal protocol sounds like.

BTW, she changed way before. Now its your turn.

"I am avoiding contact with her as much as possible''

Who's in charge now? Take a message.

elwoodb · Aug 4, 2010, 07:24 PM

I can't wait either mate! I've already got a plan in place to keep me occupied, I'll be planing an overseas trip which I'm really looking forward to doing. As for the work phone, can't avoid it has to be answered, but I sure don't answer personal phone when she calls!

As for me changing, it has been an eye opening experience, more learning experiences then a fundamental change of character.

vanheart · Aug 4, 2010, 07:29 PM

Cool.

Let this whole time now be a good experience.

Character, schmaracter. You know what feels good & doesn't.

elwoodb · Aug 8, 2010, 05:03 AM

Well a bit of an update, I've boxed almost everything up in the house. My folks are coming down to help move most of my furniture etc back home. Also cleansed my fb of anything related to her pictures etc. Got my first piece of good news in a long time, managed to get a month of free accommodation which is a great help. The one thing I noticed today was that when I was talking to my father on the phone that my voice was quivering, guess I'm not doing as well as I thought I was.

Cheers
elwoodb

talaniman · Aug 8, 2010, 05:40 AM

And why would you think that??

elwoodb · Aug 8, 2010, 06:47 PM

Had this perception that the situation wasn't effecting me that much, when it still is a considerable amount! Still struggling to move forward at the moment, but slowly edging there.

talaniman · Aug 8, 2010, 06:57 PM

Stay humble, it will happen. You are getting there.

elwoodb · Aug 11, 2010, 03:37 AM

Well I moved onto base today, felt a bit nostagic when moving out which made it pretty tough but I got through it. Now for my rant! She had to come up on Tuesday to sort out some removals stuff, which was fine left a key for her, anyway she left some old keyring of mine on the kitchen bench for me that I had left at her house years ago. Anyway I thought it was pretty token, then she texts me asking if I found it? That text made me mad, after 4 years she asks about a bloody keyring! God after giving me the cold shoulder and the runaround for months, she texts about a keyring! Well I ignored it, what else would I do. Anyway I had to send an email about the final removal details, she replies saying how epic my removal must have been etc. And again asking about the keyring! Seriously, it's a keyring... Who cares! Didn't bother replying to that either, I mean honestly what does she expect from me? And that's my rant done!

Imabadman · Aug 11, 2010, 06:37 AM

Elwoodb you got to realize she's just testing the waters. She's dangling a bone and wants to see if you'll do tricks for her. In my opinion you handled it perfectly!

Step 1: Never let'em see you sweat.

Continue to project that cool, clam, and unaffected demeanor. Keep that "it's business not personal" attitude going. Do not dignify her lame attempts because you know she'll just crap on you when you let your guard down.

Step 2: Don't sweat the small stuff.

Now… let's start working on the actual not letting this BS get to you. Seriously… you need to get mad about this situation.

elwoodb · Aug 11, 2010, 06:55 PM

I thought that's what she's doing, trying to get some attention from me. She's currently moving her stuff out if the house right now, she called me chasing after a missing measuring spoon. Seriously I don't care, why would I take one measing spoon! I didn't give anything she could have a go at, she asked 'for the millionth time did you get the keyring?', god obsessed much! Well as her parting gift she posted on fb how cute the removalists were, now that has made me incredibly angry and upset... I want to go over there and blow up at her so much! So instead I come here, don't want to give her satisfaction...