[Julietn]

Hi; I sure hope you guys can help me.
I have been married only two years and am terribly unhappy. My husband and I dated for a short while before getting married but had known each other casually for as long as ten years. I admit that I didn't know him much by the time we wedded but it is too late for now.
Our first year was okay and went bad after the birth of our little boy (when he was about 5 months old). My husband became uninterested in the marriage and often told me that he had lost the feelings he had for me.
A lot has happened since then including him not coming home on some nights, us physically fighting, seeking counselling from various sources, me finding messages from girls in his phone and so on and so forth.
My current crisis is that he forgets or pretends not to know my birthday, wedding anniversary and everything that is important to me despite the fact that I make a fuss over his special days. He works out of town and although he could come home every weekend, he only comes when he must . We don't go anywhere together; no parties, no friends' visits, no relatives visit,no counsellings, no fellowships, no holidays nothing. I even go to church with just my son cause he can't be bothered. I don't know his friends and he won't bring us together. He rarely attends any functions organised by my parents. Right now, we stay in a house rented from my father and he of course never pays the rent on time or even the bills. He borrows money and I have no idea where he puts it. I don't know where he stays when he is not at home (out of the city) and he barely has any stuff at home. He doesn't share his plans for the future even if I ask. I don't know how much he earns or anything about him in the last one year. Right now am pregnant with our second baby. Am glad because the children are the reason I live and work everyday. I have tried to make things work; am so transparent in all my dealings, earnings and all but the same is not reciprocated. Because of all this, am slowly losing interest in him. Am so tired of his attitude. Am finding it hard to have sex with him because he is a stranger to me. My auntie thinks I should just pretend he is the best man ever when having sex because a man can not be denied sex; that isn't working for me though. I am a Christian and so would like solutions that are acceptable to God. Help me!

[DoulaLC]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. It sounds as though he has emotionally, and just about physically, checked out of the marriage quite some time ago. Would he consider counseling? Have you brought the idea up to him? What does he say when you discuss how you are feeling about all that has gone on?

[slapshot_oi]

Given the fact he's a stranger to his own family, I don't know what other option you have other than divorce. You're already unhappy, and it'll get worse when the kids get old enough to witness when you two get physical compounded by his usual absence.

This isn't the answer you probably don't want to hear but I'm pretty certain it's the one you'll hear the most.

[asking]

I don't know what your particular religion says about divorce, but that is the key to your children's future happiness and your own. This man is neither husband nor father and I'm astonished that you decided to have another child with him. Your life on your own would be much more possible with just one child. Two is not impossible. But do not have sex with him anymore, or you will catch a disease, which you could pass to your baby.

Have yourself checked by a doctor for sexually transmitted diseases as soon as possible. The doctor will understand and is required to keep it confidential.

Don't listen to your auntie. You are not required to have sex with anyone you don't want to have sex with, legally or morally. I don't believe that a merciful God would endorse the kind of marriage you are enduring.

[Julietn]

Douala; Thanks for the response. I have tried to talk to him about counselling. He won't let us see a professional counselor because he calls it a waste of money. He will not take advice from a mutual friend and when we went for counselling to his mum and my aunt (we saw them separately,)he said to them; in my face that his feelings for me had gone and there is nothing he can do about that.
I really would like to heal this marriage because I wouldn't want a separation and for the sake of the children. Am not sure if we are interested in the same thing though.

Asking- Thanks for the response. Am glad someone thinks differently from my auntie on the sex issue. I would feel like a hypocrite if I carried out her advice; at the same time though- I don't want to give him reason to stray. Am so confused.

[asking]

By your own account, he has already strayed. Given how much he is gone, how distant he is to you, and how insistent his sexual appetite, do you really think you are his primary sexual relationship? I would assume he has at least one other woman if not several. You are at risk for stds.

He will not be a positive in your children's lives. Even if he spends time with them, he will teach them his values, which are clearly not good ones. The best thing for your children is to divorce this man as soon as possible.

You need to find more strength within yourself, given the lack of support from your family. A happy mother is a good mother, and right now you have little prospect of happiness. Do you have friends who care about you? I think you need more of a network of people who have your interests in mind.

[Cat1864]

Julie, you don't want to give him reason to stray, but he already has left the marriage in just about every other way he can that you already have proof of. It doesn't sound like he supporting the family in any way. Why do you really want him to stay?

You have said that you have been in physical altercations with him. Do you want one of those fights to injure you, him, or one of your children?

Do you want your son to grow up thinking that your husband's actions are the way a man is supposed to act? If your second child is a daughter, do you want her to grow up thinking that women have to put up with anything and everything that a man dishes out just because we are women and have Faith?

You say that you go to church. Have you talked to your pastor/preacher/priest/reverend/etc.

[DoulaLC]

Douala; Thanks for the response. I have tried to talk to him about counselling. He won't let us see a professional counselor because he calls it a waste of money. He will not take advice from a mutual friend and when we went for counselling to his mum and my aunt (we saw them separately,)he said to them; in my face that his feelings for me had gone and there is nothing he can do about that.
I really would like to heal this marriage because i wouldn't want a separation and for the sake of the children. Am not sure if we are interested in the same thing though.

You have tried all that you can then. He has been honest with you about his feelings. I know all too well what it is like to want to heal a marriage and keep your family together, but at some point you realize that there really is no longer a true marriage.

As has been said, your children and you deserve more. Your children will witness how your husband treats you and family... that is not what you want them growing up to believe is what a marriage and family should be like is it?

I don't know what denomination you belong to, but perhaps seek counsel through someone you trust at your church. If it eases your heart and mind, scriptures do allow for dissolving a marriage if that is what you end up deciding to do.

[jmjoseph]

Sometimes we have to just say that it was a mistake. Especially if he is hitting you. That's unacceptable, by any standard. And you know that he is cheating.

Even if he does TRY to clean up his act, he has so many issues, that it probably wouldn't take.

You can sprinkle powdered sugar on a pile of scat, but you still have the same thing on the inside.

I wish you the best.

God bless you and your son.

[Kitkat22]

You have tried to keep your marriage together, It hasn't worked. I wonder if your Auntie would think sex is so great after a man has hit you or been with another woman?

Do not let him continue to treat you like this. Adultery is grounds for divorce. The Bible says that. It also says that you as a christian,
"Shun the very appearance of evil'.
I think your husband is evil.

Wedding vows say to keep he or she only to one's self. He hasn't.
Your children need to be away from the influences of his lifestyle.

Pretending to make a man feel like a man when you don't want to have sex is utterly ridiculous. If the Aunt is so concerned on your pleasing your husband maybe you should tell her about all the things he's done.

Take those kids and leave.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

My husband became uninterested in the marriage and often told me that he had lost the feelings he had for me.A lot has happened since then including him not coming home on some nights, us physically fighting, seeking counselling from various sources, me finding messages from girls in his phone and so on and so forth.
He works out of town and although he could come home every weekend, he only comes when he must . We don't go anywhere together; no parties, no friends' visits, no relatives visit,no counsellings, no fellowships, no holidays nothing. I don't know his friends and he won't bring us together. He rarely attends any functions organised by my parents. Right now, we stay in a house rented from my father and he of course never pays the rent on time or even the bills. He borrows money and i have no idea where he puts it. I don't know where he stays when he is not at home (out of the city) and he barely has any stuff at home. He doesn't share his plans for the future even if i ask. I don't know how much he earns or anything about him in the last one year. I have tried to make things work; am so transparent in all my dealings, earnings and all but the same is not reciprocated. Am finding it hard to have sex with him because he is a stranger to me.

Juliet, I have just pulled out selected sentences from what you wrote. Please reread them and pretend they were written by a girlfriend of yours. What would you advise her to do? Should she stay with a husband who appears to have absolutely no interest in staying married to her? The actions of the man you are describing above is one who is does not want to stay in his marriage. By your own admission, your husband barely has any of his belongings at your home! What does that tell you? Please don't keep living your life with blinders on. Your "husband is driving" you "nuts" for a reason.

Has your husband asked you for a divorce? I can tell from the way you write that divorce is one of those things that you believe is not an option for you. So, has he asked you for a divorce and you are unwilling to give him one? Are you attempting to save your marriage because of your religious beliefs?

[talaniman]

I think your GOD would not want you to be stuck in this miserable situation, for your sake and your children. Divorcing him would be in there best interest, and you can rebuild a better life for you all.

You only make your mistake bigger by staying in a bad situation, and this one is pretty bad. Change it.

My prayers are with you, and your kids.