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How do I make this situation better!!
Hello I am a mother of two children and have found my best friend and my soulmate the only thing is I am really worried that the kids behavior will tear us apart! We both grew up very differently and in different family structures! I was raised by my mother and he was raised by both of his loving parents! Our parenting skills are very different. Our house works better with him around but it is stressful at times too! I am not sure were to turn or who can help me and him come to a middle! I love him with all my heart but I get worried about our future! My children have many learning disabilities and my daughter has ADHD. Its hard sometimes I just want things to be good!! I never know what's going to happen next!! I am embarrassed when my children act up or act irresponsible and not mature. Like I said I don't know where to turn!! We have discussed therapy but it just seems I get no where when trying to find a therapist! We are great together especially when we are alone!! When we are with the kids its like I am on ice worried what's going to happen to make him upset or feel like wow what did I get myself into!! He lived in another state and moved here for me! He has no family here and no friends! Just us! And I sometimes feel he didn't deserve nor need this!!
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I can sympathize with you - my late husband had 2 children, making me a stepmother; I have remarried and my husband has 3 children (one very problematical). Kids can tear a relationship apart, no question, or at least make it difficult. Have the two of you simply sat down and discussed your concerns, his concerns, how to best make things "work"? It sounds like you are both sacrificing to be together and every relationship needs a "working out" period. If you are thinking about giving up, I wouldn't. Any relationship is give/take and the sides change from time to time. As far as your kids embarrassing you - if our kids aren't embarrassing us, our parents are. You do the best you can and trust that your partner will understand. I wish I had wise and wonderful words for you but I don't - you have to just be in things with your partner, be on the same page (so to speak) and work together for the same goals. |
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Has he complained about the children? Did he know about the Learning problems? If so just give it time and it will even out. How long have you known him? Kids are kids. There are problems with stepchildren , but he loves you and you love him, so work on it together. |
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I would like to add something here. The biggest hurdle to overcome is that of disipline. In relationships where one partner doesn't have children or has children of their own it can be a huge problem. You have to agree on it or its not going to work. Your parenting style has to be respected. The rest will work itself out. Most kids Ive know including my own have been just that kids. Stuff happens. Its part of being a kid and also part of being a parent. If you can let those things slide by and deal with them as needed then your going to have problems. You both need to accept that. Life is full of surprises. But all you can do is hope for the best and be ready for the worst. Things are going to happen no matter what you do or who your with. |
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Calidad you are so correct!! Its is the biggest hurtle! I bought a book today and I am going to have to work on not being the push over that I can sometimes be! I respect his opinions but because he has not raised children of his own I feel he doesn't know what he would let slide!! I always thought of myself as a good mom and since he moved in I have been doubting my parenting skills!! Its me I have to learn to appreciate his opinions! I have a son that is soooooo much like his father is unreal!! My man hates it too! My daughter and my boyfriend are tight but him and my son are slow to bond! I guess I thought after a year of him living here it would not be this way!! I don't want things to always be an issue! I believe my children put a strain on our relationship at times!! I don't like that!! Thank you so much for you opinion!! |
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 Originally Posted by bobbijotill
Im going to take a flying leap and say no. So you have a lot on your plate but just be sure to take little bites. You will be OK. |
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Yes my daughter is younger than my son. Lol you true my son felt like he was man of the house for a little while!! You nailed it!! Ya the children's father is in the picture but def is not the parental figure!! He gets upset with just about ALL my rules! He feels I am too strick!! My ex that is!! I am trying to have patience and understanding with my bfs beliefs! I want happy children a happy relationship and a happy household! For the most part we are but man when sh-t hits the fan it makes for a bad day or night!! We also deal with the fact that the children ages 7 and 11 fight about EVERYTHING!! My daughter loves her brother soooooooo much but he seems to just be so annoyed by her! Well I know things will just take time and patience! Thank you so much for your input!! |
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You know, I would suggest getting counseling for you two as a couple. You say you work well together, so get some help to ground yourselves and get on the same page. You will find that you can come up with answers and solutions and decide together with the counselor. Let them guide you as to how to get help for your children. I think they also need help but let the new counselor help guide you with that. You have valid concerns, and there is hope and solutions that will make things easier! I am a children's and adult therapist, and if you are willing to make the effort, you can make things more peaceful in your home, resulting in peace for you and your boyfriend. If you need advice on how to get a good counselor, let me know! :) |
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Thank you but the children have been getting counciling for about a year now! It has helped at times. I have been looking into some good councilors in my area for the last week. A lot of the ones I know are not taking new patents because they are on a freeze! I am sure things will work out I think a lot has to do with me and my parenting skills!! Also maybe his not being a parent yet! I so hope on day that will be an option for us. Thank you for your help. Hope you have an awesome day. |
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Lots and lots of communication between you and your partner on how to handle things with the kids will help. If possible try to anticipate some of the problems that arise when you are raising kids and (in a general way) how you both would deal with it. Be consistent with each other and don't let the kids play one of you against the other. Even if you disagree with what the other is doing, discuss it in private. Not in front of the kids. With your description of your partner as soul mate and best friend , and willingness to work on it , I think you will find the answers in your communication. Kids are a wonderful gift, the biggest headaches you'll encounter and there isn't no owners manual. I wish you well and hope you find your happiness. |
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Look as MartyZ said.. children do not come with instructions. I think you are a very good mom and I also think, there are times You feel stymied. We all do. You'll see, everything has a way of falling into place. Mom's are resilient and you will make the choices. Good Luck and Blessings. |
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I have a lot of faith in, and admiration for, people like you who keep searching for the answers. Your kids have been in counseling for a year. Many people would have called that good. But you are still looking for "good" counselors. God bless you! With the love, concern and determination you are showing you will succeed. And be an example of good parenting when all is said and done. And you will be blessed for it. |
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Originally Posted by bobbijotill
The first thing you must do is concentrate on your children above all things. The worst thing you can do is sign off and put other things in priority over them such as your man or friends, or your embarrassment. Your children has ADD/HD as you stated, and you need to buy or borrow a book on the subject. "The ADD & ADHD Answer Book" by Susan Ashley is a good one to start with. You can get a used copy cheap on Amazon, or for quicker reading, see if you can borrow it from your local library. The book will teach you everything you need to know about the condition, getting help, the behavior characteristics of children stricken with it, and effective generalized parenting skills. It's vital at this point for your children that you acquire all the knowledge you can regarding this issue. Now from my own experience with babysitting, I want to share a special disciplinary technique that people don't know about yet and I haven't found written in any books. Even in the book I recommended for your reading, the author states that there's nothing that can be done about children having a temper tantrum and must be allowed to do so, which isn't true. Nature has an effective disciplinary method for all earthly young without abuse. A technique I discovered by accident. So here goes: Whenever your child is having a raging fit, or pulling away from you, or doing any other unsuitable thing such as refusing to obey your command to sit down or stop touching an item, etc. Here's what you do: With one hand, lift the child by the nape of the collar and suspend them high enough where their feet is no longer touching the ground, and maintain that hold of them until they instantly stop whatever they're doing. It's an instant freeze action. Now, while holding the child in that position, walk over to where you want the child to remain quietly and set them down there. And they will remain in that spot quietly until you call them. When I discovered this technique, I was shocked by the results and realized that that is how animals discipline their cubs. They hold them by the back of the neck, and that same rule holds true for human children. And I've been "The Animal Planet" faithfully ever since. Even in the supermarket when a baby in the stroller picks up goods and when it comes time to checkout and the baby starts raving over the goods being taken from them, this technique will serve perfectly to prevent the fit they will throw. Just lift the child out of the carriage by the nape of the collar and they will drop whatever they're holding without a reaction. Then simply place them back into the carriage. I wish you the very best of luck with rearing your children. :) |
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