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Imabadman · Jul 12, 2010, 07:48 AM

Yes, this is typical behavior. Just as soon as she can tempt you to cave and you get emotional and pleading again... BAM! She'll hit you with the, "You're suffocating me..." "You don't trust me..." "It's your fault..." Don't fall for it. She want's this ego boost of you bending over backwards for her.

Dude you need to find in yourself some balls. You should be really pissed about the way she treated you. Get mad with yourself and say, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!"

I know this whole situation sucks. Been there more than once myself. Listen, keep yourself in check. Don't answer the calls or texts. They'll become more provoking in the coming days. Expect her to escalate to drama, blaming, and even entice sex. Ignore her, let her play her games she'll soon see that she's now on the 'away' team. No need for conversations or other pleasantries. Should she confront you or catch you while you're out and about asking what the issue is, smile then a simple response like, “It's not working for me.” followed by you walking away. If you listen closely after this you'll hear her ego deflate.

As for any of her crap at your house. Pack it up, send her a text that she can pick her things up on X day at X time as you'll be extracting it from your home then.

That's it. You've just shown her you'll not take her $hit and it's on your terms not hers.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 12, 2010, 12:30 PM

Read through all of the pages. I'm the lone one out here.
Your problems with her started before the trip to see this guy.
Your problems started after she moved to be with you and it didn't work and you two went long distance dating again. The Christmas thing, sounds to me like she was done by then.

I understand your being up set about the other guy thing, but you had problems before then and you were ignoring them because you didn't want to face them. She told you there was no hope.

It's time for you to move on, I doubt that she is in much pain, she left a long while ago. She is who she is. Now you move one.
When someone tells you "this is it, there is no hope" listen to them. Don't be surprise when they poop on you after they have already told you it was coming.

elwoodb · Jul 14, 2010, 06:23 AM

G'day homegirl 50, thanks for taking the time to read through a rather long thread your input is greatly appreciated. I have to agree with you, we had troubles big ones mostly centered around following me on my training (military) to places that just weren't great places to live. I had a very demanding job, working 12-14 hours a day 6 days a week and that was just to get by. It was tough but I also told herit would be like this as well...

The latest update, been ignoring the occaisional text but it all blew up tonight, she called me twice and I missed one didn't bother on the other. No voicemail so I didn't bother answering. Then received these texts:
So I'm guessing you have broken up with me, your just not telling me? Who's the coward now huh? I need to pick up my stuff and my dog, so let me know when I can.

Ok well I changed my relationship status on FB. I'm not really sure why you're suddenly ignoring me, but I'm guessing that's what you want?

I'd been busy and missed the texts, read them and called her. Not the most pleasant of conversations, she attacked me bigtime. We traded blows and it wasn't pretty, her approach was to deny everything, even that she had called to breakup with me the night before meeting the other guy. I was the bad guy to cutting off communication, I said I needed to protect myself which she scoffed at even though she had admitted doing so for months. I was meant to have called her after she stepped off the plane etc. I wanted to know what happened with the other guy, she refused to tell me, I said I deserved to know- reply I deserve nothing because I stopped talking to her. Later she said nothing happened (with a slight amount of dissapoinment in her voice). The conversation calmed down a lot, we both agreed it wasn't working and that it was over. She said we both hated each other, I disagreed even after all that happened I cannot hate her, she may hate me but I don't feel that way. I asked if losing me to see this other guy was worth it, her reply "no". I finshed off by saying that she is never going to be able to have a fully committed relationship with anyone unless this guy is gone, I got a sigh. I then wished her all the best and said I only ever wanted the best for her and for her to be happy. End of phone call.

Needless to say I'm bloody devastated, but let the low wheels of moving on begin to turn.

vanheart · Jul 14, 2010, 08:56 AM

I guess her little plan worked.

To have you cave in, contact her, so she could play the innocent one & crap on you one last time.
So she can come out guilt-free.

This girl wants her cake & eat it too, is a liar and disrespectful.
You don't need that.

Give her stuff back & disappear.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 14, 2010, 10:46 AM

Warning someone things will be rough does not make it less rough to them. She was unhappy and told you so.

Let this last conversation be the end of it. You live learn and move on.
I wish you well.

positiveparent · Jul 14, 2010, 12:14 PM

I agree with homegirl let this be the end of it, she's is a time waster, and a manipulating dishonest person with it.
Elwood you've done great your getting there don't cave in to her games at this stage, you'll, be no more than doormat fodder if you do...

Let her have her stuff, arrange for her to collect it, have it packed up and ready to go ask a friend to let her in to get it, and see her, out, and then that's it, move on.

She was trying to manipulate you and it would have got more and more as time went by. You're better off, you're free to find the right girl for you one who wouldn't dream of doing anything the ex has done. One wholl love you for you..
Good Luck...

I wish · Jul 14, 2010, 12:59 PM

If you keep contacting each other, this break up is going to drag out even longer.

The break up is official, so nor matter how many more conversations you have with her, it won't change the situation.

I think it's best to leave each other alone. It's easier said than done, but it will help you heal. Communicating with each other only adds to the suffering and prolongs the healing process.

Check out the no contact related threads in my signature. It should give you some insight.

elwoodb · Jul 14, 2010, 11:46 PM

Hey guys,
Thanks for replying, its been the roughest day for me since I first posted on here. It finally hit home that its all finally done. Talking to her probably wasn't the greatest thing for me to do personally but it had to happen in the end and at least I can start to move on. Its going to take my brain a while to adjust to this so ill try and keep myself occupied. Im very thankful that I have returned home to be with my family for this, if I had have been alone it would have been so much worse. Still I don't think my father really knows how to deal with this kind of situation!

Can't seem to stop thinking about what has happened. I don't understand why she hates me, she thinks I hate her too but for some reason I cant. She was such a special and dear person in my life that I had so many happy and life changing experiences with that I just can't hate her. Feeling completely heartbroken, but this is a part of life so ill have to learn to deal with it and move on. This certainly wasn't the way I thought my life would turn out, 18 months ago I had my dream job the girl of my dreams moving in with me and everything was going great. Now I have come agonizingly close to getting my wings (but not to be) and the girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares.

Thank you so much for all the help, gone back to NC and I wish I've read through those posts a dozen times so far this month!

Cheers
Elwood

Homegirl 50 · Jul 15, 2010, 08:08 AM

You will get through this. It takes time but it is doable.
Were here if you need a shoulder.

elwoodb · Jul 20, 2010, 05:58 AM

Hi guys
Well I thought I would give a quick update, haven't heard from her since our last conversation I have made no attempt to contact her. It's been a big struggle the last few days, I just can't stop thinking about all that's happened and it is getting me down somewhat. The fact that after 4 years that I don't have a right to know what's actually been going on is a bit of a kick in the guts.

I'm still on holidays, went to visit my friends and went out with a couple of mates last weekend. Turned out to be a massive struggle for me, certainly wasn't for me that night. Found it very difficult I kept thinking about her, feels like it's going to take a long time to fall out of love with her. Also don't seem to be able to stop dreaming about her either, some good some bad. Last nights one was the most worrying she came back in my life and I forgave her and we got back together to live happier ever after etc. Woke up at the point where I realized even together the relationship would never be the same again.

The other issue is the dog, not sure what to do with him. She says she wants him but I'm worried he's going to be ditched in a years time. He's doing fine running around on my families farm and I'm looking after him at the moment. She said she needed to know as soon as possible because she's thinking of moving to Canada with a friend, ironic seen as how I was destroying her career but running off to Canada is going to help that. Not sure how the dog will go in Sydney in the longer term either...

So the devastation is as bad if not worse then last time I posted, I'm still deeply in love with her and I'm beginning to hate myself for it!

martinizing2 · Jul 20, 2010, 06:44 AM

Feelings don't fade overnight. It takes time.
You really need to be strong with the NC. Every time you talk to her it will be a backslide and only prolong the pain.

Just because you love someone does not mean you can live with them or even spend time together. It is strange but all too true.

Stay strong. No contact. I wish you well

elwoodb · Jul 21, 2010, 06:02 AM

It's been a slightly better day, dad seems to be cracking the whip at me and making me chop tonnes of firewood to 'keep me occupied' seems I work harder on my holidays then when I'm at work! He keeps saying there's no going back, only forwards it's going to take time but I'll meet someone that will stand by me as much as I stood by her. I now have concerns that I threw myself so much into my last relationship that I won't be able to do that again out of self preservation. Is this a feeling that everyone has? Sounds like a stupid question but I hung out for a long time to wait for the right girl, really wasn't expecting to end up getting burnt this bad!

Thanks for the kind words, it's so very much appreciated!

talaniman · Jul 21, 2010, 08:46 AM

Its not a stupid question, but a common one we all ask ourselves. Seems like your going through this all by yourself, but the truth is we all go through this after a break up, and have to cope with the emotional fall out, and you better get with it because there will always be the next love of our lives to deal with.

Your dad is right, so keep chopping that wood. Its good for you.

elwoodb · Jul 25, 2010, 05:32 AM

Well don't tell my dad that he would have had me chopped a lot more!

So here's the update, I have returned back to my house after two weeks off forcing me to return to reality of the situation. Ill have to tell work that it's over, fill in the subsequent paperwork to go with that. I'll then lose my entitlement to the house I'm renting and will have to move into other accommodation. Then I have to sort through the house and separate everything. I'll have to break NC to tell her to pickup her stuff, I was thinking an email would probably be best. I know if I call her it would probably demoralize me more so the only options would be email or text. I'm guessing that it will take about 3 weeks to get it all sorted and can slowly move on with the rest of my life. Still not sure what to do with all the engagement money I had saved, thinking an overseas trip might be in order.

Thanks for all the help, I have a feeling that this week is going to be pretty tough.

Just Looking · Jul 25, 2010, 08:49 AM

I just read your thread for the first time. It is very compelling. You've gotten a lot of good advice, and you've done a good job of following it. It's not surprising you caved and talked to her. Sometimes we just can't resist, but while it put some doubts in your mind it also seemed to cement the idea that this truly was the end. In the end, it doesn't matter how you get there so much as that you did get there – i.e. came to the realization that this relationship needed to be ended. She is also in self-preservation mode, not wanting to believe or admit she did anything wrong. She violated your trust and hurt you by her actions.

We've all been through heartbreak. I'm hoping maybe I can share something with you that will help. It does get better, and as others have said you learn from all these experiences and it helps develop the person you have or will become. You have learned a powerful lesson about who you are, what you will and won't accept, and the type of love you want. You asked if you will ever be able to throw yourself into another relationship. The answer is “Yes”, when you are ready and confident again. One of the things that make breakups difficult is that when things were going well, you felt so good about yourself. All the positive things that your girlfriend saw in you made you feel special and desirable. After a breakup, it's normal to question whether you are really deserving. Part of healing is realizing that all those traits truly exist in you – it sounds trite, but you have to believe in yourself again.

You already realize the next 3 weeks will be difficult. The feelings of sadness and anger, and even the dreams you are having, will eventually wash away the remnants of the relationship. I always view those unwanted thoughts and dreams as my mind's way of accepting and dealing with things – I turn it into a positive and realize it is all part of the healing process. By doing this, you'll realize your own mistakes and also gain a better picture of what you will not tolerate. Realizing that you are in control of your healing will keep sadness from becoming despair and it will help you learn the lessons of the heartbreak, thereby improving future relationships.

I am not alone in this, but I have now found a great relationship after suffering a major deception in the previous one. I was determined to turn that experience into a positive, and emerged with not only a stronger heart but a heart and mind that were more open to the truth and more capable of lasting love. You can do the same. Stay positive and open to the lessons.

Good luck to you.

elwoodb · Jul 25, 2010, 07:25 PM

Thanks just looking, I really appreciate the effort you have read through this thread and then to post some great advice.

Just a very quick update, received an email from her today asking about what was going on with the removals. She wants to come up and sort through everything herself. I honestly don't want her to do that, I'd much rather have my own space and sort it out myself. For some reason I don't want her to see me this way, also would like to hold onto the last time I saw her, stepping onto an airplane and out of my life... It feels like an appropriate memory. Haven't bothered to send a reply yet...

First day back at work today, now have reams of paperwork to sort out but they are being very supportive of me and offered me some support services if I need them. Don't think it's required as the leave has gotten me over the initial hump.

Thanks again everyone!

vanheart · Jul 25, 2010, 08:34 PM

So do that. Sort what's hers & leave it by the door. Maybe a friend can be there. Or let one of her friends pick it up if you want to be there.

Don't let her invade your space, privacy or anything else.

Doing this will help you. Hell, I just threw all my exs stuff in the dumpster & went NC.

You are now longer available to her. Remove any & all drama from now on.

Then delete her. NC, my man.

BTW, JustLookings' post was beautiful. Read it again.

Spoken from someone who has overcome lots.

elwoodb · Jul 26, 2010, 04:58 AM

Howdy folks
Vanheart have to agree with you justlookings post is something special! Certainly a great pick me up :)

I have to agree with the no drama, however I'm employing a bit of tact with it at the moment. Once all her gear is gone then the complete removal of her from my life can finally happen. I'm extremely dissapointed as to how it's all turned out, and it sucks that I'm still in love with her I know it's going to take some time. But I know once I get over this hump I won't be looking back!

MissKnowitall · Jul 26, 2010, 08:37 AM

What she did was disrespectful. Period. You are doing everything right.

Stay strong!

elwoodb · Jul 26, 2010, 06:54 PM

Well I broke no contact, sent her an email informing her about the status of the removal saying that I was going have everything sorted by the weekend. Kept it strictly professional and it wasn't too bad of an email. Got pretty much instantly saying she wants me too leave her a key on the weekend and that I shouldn't be there so she can go through and check everything. My first thoughts were screw that, no way is she going to have free reign of my house! I haven't replied, felt pretty upset so I've stepped out for an early lunch. Oh and the other thing is she keeps asking how the dog is going, doesn't bother to ask how I am... That really p*sses me off! Haven't bothered to tell her how he is...

So here's, the options as I see it
#1 ignore her
#2 tell her to go to hell then ignore her! (I like this one a lot!)
#3 go through all the crap, then supervise her on the weekend and watch the drama unfold
#4 leave the remaining boxes, get her to come up during the week and she can sort through it all.

There may be others? Suggestions recommendations?