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AdamWest1 · Jul 15, 2010, 12:04 PM

First, a brief summary.

The woman I am seeing is my ex girlfriend from high school. We broke up back then (5 years ago) but have always been great friends. We reconnected about a year ago and started a semi-relationship that wasn't committed. We don't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, we consider it a casual dating relationship. We usually talk everyday and spend time together and have a great time.
You see, back when we re-connected a year ago, she was leaving her then boyfriend who had been very abusive to her. Emotionally, and Physically. I have been there for her since then and she and I are both attracted to each other( we always have been.)
Anyway, fast forward to now, she is very distant from me and says she needs some space. She says I am infringing on her bubble and needs me to give her breathing room to deal with things she is going through. She is still getting over her ex and what he did to her. On top of that, she is dealing with classes as well as just finding out that she needs surgery within a month. I understand that all of this is hard on her. She is hesitant to be in anything committed because she is still coming to grips with what her ex did to her.

Let me be clear-She doesn't want to get back with him, she just doesn't want to be in a big relationship right now. The problem is, I do want one with her. Sometimes I come across as pushy, or as she likes to call it "Me needing validation of a relationship that isnt there right now." She has said in the past that a future relationship is possible, just not now and that I need to be patient with her. She has said that she cares about me and wants to do nice things for me and wants me in her life, but right now I need to give her space. We haven't had sex in nearly a month and I can feel her attraction for me waning. Again, I know she cares for me and about me and wants me around, just maybe a little less to let her, as she put it " to give her the time she needs to miss me." I am positive there is no one else in the picture, but I honestly don't know if she is needing this space to get her life in order, or if she is needing this space to stop having the semi-relationship we have now.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

hidden123 · Jul 15, 2010, 12:18 PM

Well.. I think it's quiet simple.. you need to give her space and not expect anything. Just because she doesn't want to go back to him doesn't mean she automatically wants to go to you. You were her friend and a shoulder to cry on during her ordeal with him - and now she is working on re-building her life..

Give her space and stop being needy.. focus on other things in life - friends, work etc..

KyleS28 · Jul 15, 2010, 01:29 PM

She belongs on jerry springer. Sign her up and move on.

Remember. When her attraction to you is waning do the opposite. Pull away and make her come to you. If she doesn't chase it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

Devorameira · Jul 15, 2010, 02:26 PM

I’m afraid that his may be the beginning of the end for the two of you.

Fact is, when a person really cares about their partner, they never want space or time... they want to spend every possible moment together.

Most women specifically tell their boyfriend they needs space because they think it’s a gentler way of breaking things off.

Don’t whine or try to beg her back into the relationship - just react in a very calm and controlled manner, you’ll catch her off guard.

Not talking to your girlfriend right now may feel completely wrong, but NC (no contact) is actually one of the best things you can do.

She’s said that she needs space and that translates into space that you’re not in. Right now you need to accept it and treat this break as a full-fledged break up.

positiveparent · Jul 15, 2010, 03:04 PM

You have already been in a failed relationship with this person, have you fixed what went wrong back then?

If you've fixed it, then maybe just maybe you do stand a chance of getting back with her in the conventional way, if you haven't fixed it then, you've no chance, you can't go back until you fix what went wrong then.

She says she needs space, so let her have that space, and whilst she's having it try to figure out what went wrong if you don't already know that is and then fix it. If you can without her that is.

Don't hold out much hope though because she is obviously feeling closed in by something you're doing or not doing whichever the case may be.

As previously stated if you haven't fixed what went wrong then going back is a recipe for heartache.

For now though give her the space she needs...

talaniman · Jul 15, 2010, 06:24 PM

I believe she is gently telling you there is no hope for a relationship with her, and to leave her alone because she is strong enough to fly solo, and pursue other interests.

I would leave her alone, and pursue your own options, because she is no longer one of them.

AdamWest1 · Jul 19, 2010, 08:32 AM

Ok, we spent time this past Saturday for a good portion of the day and when she had to leave, she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. She said "Thank you for being patient with me." But now I haven't heard from her since then. I've called once and texted twice over the past 2 days and have gotten no replys or response.

Adapa · Jul 19, 2010, 08:46 AM

Originally Posted by AdamWest1

Ok, we spent time this past Saturday for a good portion of the day and when she had to leave, she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. She said "Thank you for being patient with me." But now I havent heard from her since then. I've called once and texted twice over the past 2 days and have gotten no replys or response.

Should this not be a Red Flag?

Put yourself in her shoes. Why would you not respond and reply and suggest time apart.:rolleyes:

AdamWest1 · Jul 19, 2010, 08:50 AM

Originally Posted by Adapa

Should this not be a Red Flag?

Put yourself in her shoes. Why would you not respond and reply back and suggest time apart.:rolleyes:

Normally I may agree with you, but it was actually her idea to spend time together. She called me. Why specifically ask to spend time together if she wanted space? This is what I'm trying to understand so please bear with me. Thanks for your comment though. I appreciate it.

Adapa · Jul 19, 2010, 08:53 AM

Originally Posted by AdamWest1

Normally I may agree with you, but it was actually her idea to spend time together. She called me. Why specifically ask to spend time together if she wanted space? This is what i'm trying to understand so please bear with me. Thanks for your comment though. I appreciate it.

Did you guys have any intimate moments while hanging out? If so, you might have been a booty call. If you guys didn't do anything, did you at least make an attempt?

Other than that, who knows...

AdamWest1 · Jul 19, 2010, 08:55 AM

Originally Posted by Adapa

Did you guys have any intimate moments while hanging out? If so, you might have been a booty call. If you guys didn't do anything, did you at least make an attempt?

Other than that, who knows...

No, no intimate moments. It was an amusement park. We did have a good time and made good conversation. Didn't bring up us, although toward the end I asked if "we" were 'Ok," She said yes. I did invite her to my place later that night and she declined, although very politely. But she did make a reference to staying over at my place some time in the future. But beyond those comments, nothing remotely intimate.

talaniman · Jul 19, 2010, 09:14 AM

Never make someone a priority in your life when you are an option in theirs!

Being available when she is bored, and ignored when she is not, is NOT something to tolerate.

AdamWest1 · Jul 19, 2010, 11:43 AM

Well I just talked to her. She said that she does love me but that right now she needs for us to take the romantic pressure out of our relationship. She has so many thing on her plate right now that she needs to take "us," out of the equation, then figure out things in her life, and then once those are figured out, then re-evaluate "us," and see if its something she still wants. She still wanst to see me and interact with me, as friends. She says she misses hanging out with her friend (me), instead of a romantic partner. She said she knows its not fair and she hates to ask me to give her space this way, but it's the only shot we have at a future relationship.

I actually took that quite well. I've known her for years and she has had a difficult life, with a lot of turmoil. So I can see where she is coming from.

It still sucks though.

Adapa · Jul 19, 2010, 05:57 PM

Originally Posted by AdamWest1

Well I just talked to her. She said that she does love me but that right now she needs for us to take the romantic pressure out of our relationship. She has so many thing on her plate right now that she needs to take "us," out of the equation, then figure out things in her life, and then once those are figured out, then re-evaluate "us," and see if its something she still wants. She still wanst to see me and interact with me, as friends. She says she misses hanging out with her friend (me), instead of a romantic partner. She said she knows its not fair and she hates to ask me to give her space this way, but its the only shot we have at a future relationship.

I actually took that quite well. I've known her for years and she has had a difficult life, with alot of turmoil. So I can see where she is coming from.

It still sucks though.

The thing that stands out the most for me is the "romantic" and "re-evaluate"...

No offense but... who doesn't want to make love with someone who they love? To me it sounds like she might be seeing someone else, and if that goes bad she always has you to "re-evaluate" with.

Don't go into the friend zone... she obviously doesn't respect you, and you have to start standing up for yourself. Maybe along the way she has walked all over you--by not answering your phone calls and texts, and when she wants you, she has you. That is a terrible thing to get mixed into...

I think you know what to-do. You need to cut her out of your life and do not drop your world when she wants to hang out with you.

I say don't even talk to her ever again, without a word... like a silent ninja... disappear and restart your life. 100% in a few weeks of you not pestering her or messaging her she will be like: What's going on here...

This is because right now she has the power over you... making all the decisions about what SHE wants. And I can't even believe she said, "its the only way our relationship has a shot."

:eek: I would have laughed in her face and left her there... but that is just me! :p

AdamWest1 · Jul 20, 2010, 07:49 AM

Originally Posted by Adapa

The thing that stands out the most for me is the "romantic" and "re-evaluate"....

No offense but... who doesn't want to make love with someone who they love? To me it sounds like she might be seeing someone else, and if that goes bad she always has you to "re-evaluate" with.

Don't go into the friend zone... she obviously doesn't respect you, and you have to start standing up for yourself. Maybe along the way she has walked all over you--by not answering your phone calls and texts, and when she wants you, she has you. That is a terrible thing to get mixed into....

I think you know what to-do. You need to cut her out of your life and do not drop your world when she wants to hang out with you.

I say don't even talk to her ever again, without a word... like a silent ninja... disappear and restart your life. 100% in a few weeks of you not pestering her or messaging her she will be like: Whats going on here...

This is because right now she has the power over you... making all the decisions about what SHE wants. And I can't even believe she said, "its the only way our relationship has a shot."

:eek: I would of laughed in her face and left her there... but that is just me! :p

I honestly don't get the feeling that there is some other guy she's seeing. I'm not saying that its not impossible that's the case, I just, don't get that vibe. She knows that that would hurt me, plus the last guy she dated broke up with her partially because of another woman he's now seeing so I don't think that's the case.

She has said repeatedly that I am one of her best friends and she wants me in her life. But with all the crap she;s dealing with, she needs to "clean house," and get her life in order and remove stressful situations from her life, which unfortunately, I am. If she's worried about me then she can't focus on herself. That's what she is saying.

I'm not saying what you're saying isn't true. I just dong think it's the case.

hidden123 · Jul 20, 2010, 07:59 AM

I'm sorry... but she is being very clear. It's hard, of course. But she is being very clear that she is NOT interested in a romantic relationship with you. What may happen one day - is another story. Who knows. You can't force her to want to be involved with you. No matter how much you want that. Just take your space and focus on your life. If you are able to see her as a friend - than do. If not - go no contact at least for a wile.

Another thing - stop trying to figure out WHY she does what she does and how that is connected to you. Her moving on with her live after her divorce has NOTHING to do with you. Take your focus off her and live your life.

martinizing2 · Jul 20, 2010, 08:11 AM

I am afraid that having the feelings you do for her, trying to just be friends is going to end up in a devastation of your emotional well being.
While she is "just being friends" that is licence to do anything she wants to with no regard for your feelings. And at this same time you'll be nurturing the hope of rekindling the romance and intensifying the feeling of love and bonding.

You'll be raising yourself up only to be dropped farther.
No contact and move on is my advise.

AdamWest1 · Jul 20, 2010, 08:19 AM

Originally Posted by martinizing2

I am afraid that having the feelings you do for her, trying to just be friends is going to end up in a devastation of your emotional well being.
While she is "just being friends" that is licence to do anything she wants to with no regard for your feelings. And at this same time you'll be nurturing the hope of rekindling the romance and intensifying the feeling of love and bonding.

You'll be raising yourself up only to be dropped farther.
No contact and move on is my advise.

That's exactly how I am feeling. You hit the nail on the head. But despite that, I don't want her out of my life. I would rather have her as a friend than nothing at all, despite how much that would hurt. It would hurt more to not have her in my life at all.

hidden123 · Jul 20, 2010, 09:00 AM

AdamWest1 - I understand you completely. I have been in a very similar situation - and in a way still am - that's why I said you should put distance between you even just for a wile - just so you get stronger...

talaniman · Jul 20, 2010, 09:34 AM

You are thinking with your emotions, and not very well right now, because keeping her in your life now, and wanting more, will prolong the agony, and feed you false hope. You also use the opportunity to gain understanding and clarity, and keep your dignity, and self respect by allowing yourself the time to heal.

Don't throw that away, as you will surely regret it.