[Homegirl 50]

If it wasn't the children, it would be something else. You are still attached to this woman, you don't want to let go.
The kids will be fine when the adults make up their minds.
You two are the ones making it hard for the kids. Stop playing yo yo.

[Tired10]

Homegirl50

Ty for your reply, you are always here :) I do sincerely mean that.

My 1st reaction is that you are being harsh with respect to us making it hard on the children. You see if they were my children it would so much simpler, I could simply have them for the weekend and midweek, my son gets to see his best friend and I get the pleasure of them. Yes I know that they are not mine and it cannot be that way, I am not their father and never saw myself as a replacement for him.

So I have the pleasure of losing all of them and my son loses his best friend and I get to heal more quickly.

Ok, my 2nd reaction is that you are probably correct in what you say, because as I have identified in the long run this is not sustainable. Both our emotions are still too raw and neither of us are ready to be friends, I have never done the friend thing with an ex anyway.

More introspection on my part required I think.

[Homegirl 50]

Like I said, you know what you need to do, you just need to stick to it.
When you do that, your son will be fine. If she does that, her kids will be fine.
It is up to you , it seems, to make sure this break stays clean.

[talaniman]

Your inability to separate the children's needs, from your own is a problem. Its like a divorce really. You do for the kids, and keep the ex as a strictly business association.

Don't say you can't because its done all the time. I draw the line where children are used for power by adults, and in your case, your ability to separate the two. Yeah its tough, and hurtful, so what? The best interest of the kids is all you can plan your actions around and if that means sucking up some misery and pain on your part, do it for them, and who cares how long your personal healing takes.

Make a decision to do what's best for them, as they cannot rant, vent, or get support like you can. They can't tell the adults what to do about adult problems, so why should they suffer because of those adult problems?

That's my point, they should NOT!!

[Tired10]

Your inability to separate the children's needs, from your own is a problem. Its like a divorce really. You do for the kids, and keep the ex as a strictly business association.

Don't say you can't because its done all the time. I draw the line where children are used for power by adults, and in your case, your ability to separate the two. Yeah its tough, and hurtful, so what? The best interest of the kids is all you can plan your actions around and if that means sucking up some misery and pain on your part, do it for them, and who cares how long your personal healing takes.

Make a decision to do whats best for them, as they cannot rant, vent, or get support like you can. They can't tell the adults what to do about adult problems, so why should they suffer because of those adult problems?

Thats my point, they should NOT!!!!

Talaniman

I can assure you that I do not use the children for power in any way, I have been on the end of that for the last 5 years from my ex wife, whom despite a court order for access etc continues to grasp that little piece of control left, even though ultimately she could face serious consequences for doing so. Unfortunately for that to happen it would cost me potentially over £15.000 to get to that point, and at any point along the way she plays the game with the order and all that 'investment' is wasted!

I sincerely love all of the four children and do want what is best for them, I simply do not know what it is. You talk of sucking up the pain, maybe you think I should have gone on holiday as a 'psuedo family?', my decision not to go with them was not impulsive nor ill thought out. It was based upon what I deemed best for everyone, most certainly not about power. I have been through a divorce with my own child involved so I know perfectly well how it should be dealt with, I guess the difference is that at the end I had no feelings for her (ex wife)

She (ex gf) asked me yesterday if there were no children involved would I cut contact with her completely? I told her that 100% I would cut contact with no children involved, My reaction was on reflection 100% what I feel, not emotive.

Within 2 minutes of meeting her yesterday she is in in tears, she tells me she is seeing someone else, well I knew this anyway we discussed it weeks ago. Ok the true reason for her telling me is that she thought from my distancing that I was seeing somebody else and wanted to know
If I was. At this point I told her I had some very intimate fun at the weekend, which I did. Fun being the word, nothing serious we both knew that and that was that. Yes I am a little embarrassed about it she was much younger than me, I didn't seek it out it just happened. I am sure I will be castigated for this!

This caused her considerable hurt I could see it. Next day I get a text saying she is now in a childlike state, cannot function and drinking at the thought of me with someone else.

We are hurting each other, we both know it as well, yet we both cannot truly let go. We could sit with each other and talk for hours and have a great time, we both know and acknowledge that.

I have read the above and see some inconsistencies. I will not edit it, it should serve to tell me how I am still emotionally a bit of a mess.

Talinaman I know you are here to help and I generally find your posts insightful. Please do not take my emotive response badly.

[Homegirl 50]

I think for your own sanity and self preservation you need to cut all ties with this woman. Do not allow her to use the kids just so she can see you.
I still think your son will be OK. Hers would probably OK too if she would stop putting them in the middle.
But as long as she is being unstable, leave her alone, stay away.

[talaniman]

Maybe they can't see each other as much as THEY want, but for the kids, YOU put your feelings aside and give them what s best for them.

Maybe its ME who expects you to be able to put your personal feelings aside for THEIR sake and ignore what ever game she plays, but Emo or NOT, what's best for the kids, all of them, is what matters, not the feelings of the adults at all, in my view.

If it takes you a hundred years to get over this ex, so what? Is it worth it for the kids, or can't you handle your emotions for a higher purpose besides this stupid back and forth, between exes?

Don't mean to be harsh, please understand, but the relationship with the kids, and you, is more important to me, than the emotional inadequacies between adults. I assume you feel the same so one of you has to be mature, and do the right thing. If she can't that only leaves YOU!

So what's the problem?

[Tired10]

Well thank you for input once again. I had given this some serious thouht over the last few days.

Oh I omitted that last Monday during our last conversation that I asked if she thought that maybe she had some sort of personality disorder. She said that she thought she maybe Borderline. I looked this up and christ it is more than likely true from my observation, yes I know I am not qualified to diagnose her. I can only assume that she has either considered this with her therapy or through what she is learning at college.

Anyway I decided not to contact her with regard to seeing my son this weekend, although we agreed that there would be some contact this weekend. I would have done so if my son requested seeing her son, he never did.

She texted today and suggested Tuesday I agreed and we set a time.

My ex stepdaughter now lives with her, it's her ex stepdaughter too! The stepdaughter texts me asking to see my son and ask about her iPod that her mother was supposed to send over with my son. Well me and the ex had sorted out the contact and I told her I had the iPod. She had not relayed this to her. I wondered at this point if they actually still lived together. Anyway the penny drops with me, she obviously can't discuss me with ex stepdaughter whilst he is around. Call me paranoid but my gut instinct is usually correct, her new bloke is there and no weekend contact between the children was about her having her new relationship and them me dropping my son off in the week when he is not around.

I can see history repeating itself here, she can't be alone and only thinks of herself and will throw herself fully into this man being around all the time very very quickly. What does that teach her children?

She is so full of BS, her actions do not match her words. Monday she says, I love you, I dreamily think of us back together in 2 years time. Yeah righto.

So... I have texted her saying that Tuesday is cancelled, it is best for everyone that we do not contact each other again and that the kids do not see each other.

No reply. I do not particularly want or need one to be perfectly honest. She needs to take a huge look at herself and get some help for the sake of herself and her children.

My justification for NC with the children?

Ultimately the contact will end, she would have ended it or continued to hide the contact from her relationship. It is best for everyone's sake it ends now.

I do not want my son involved anymore, she is emotionally unstable. Ultimately if contact continued he would have heard/seen her new relationship. What would that teach my son about commitment and families? Quickly disposable and meaningless I would think.

I miss the kids and the 'family', I have always put them 1st. Enough is enough I am done. It's so sad for all of us, but I am done with all this BS.

I could have dealt with the children aspect of contact and took longer to heal, yes it would have hurt. I can see through her crap now and know it unltimately would end in more hurt for me and my son.

[Homegirl 50]

You look after your son, leave her kids to her.
I think breaking all contact is the right thing to do.

[Tired10]

Yep homegirl50 you nailed it right on the head from your 1st post, doh! :)

I know it took me a while to get to this point, but it was hard with children involved that I did/do actually love.

It was really strange when I look back, the 1st 6 months or so of the relationship were amazing to me, she mirrored me. She started smoking. Loved to watch films, shared the same sense of humour etc etc. Over time she used some of these things to devalue me with! Every time she asked for a break was because I had expressed concern with her pulling away from me and not feeling loved. She said once that I was needy, I am so not needy, it was her that was so needy. Think they call that projection.

So her fear of abondonment leads her to request a break! Ffs. Talk about me being blinded by 'love'.

There is one string left here. I said in my last post that our ex stepdaughter now lives with her. The ex stepdaughters relationship with her mother is not good, mental and physical abuse, she no longer has contact with her. Her only contact with my son (her half brother) is through me. I have texted her and expained that there will no more contact with my son and the ex's children, I am sorry that she is caught up in other peoples relationship BS once again. She can always see her brother and I will not stop that.

She said it was not my fault and she understands and thanked me for letting her still see her brother. I have arranged for her to spend some time with my son in town on Monday. I have not attached any rules to it, that seems pathetic and I am sure she gets the jist of things though.

I guess I am quite looking forward to my holiday on Wednesday :D A week away with my great supportive parents, my amazing son and my two beautiful nieces. I know we will have a great time.

[Homegirl 50]

Enjoy yourself.