[CageWalk]

This was a very unusual date. Everything didn't happen as expected and it's a longish read, but I haven't quite had another date like it before.

Went out yesterday to a coffee festival and asked a girl to come along. This girl is very confident/poised and a 22 year old honours student. In class, she naturally leads discussions and is also the captain of the girl's college track and field team.

Because of her articulate personality and demeanour I'd tried to remain detached and play it slow. She seemed like she was hit on by guys all the time so I wanted to get to know her first.

Yesterday was our third proper 'date' (not counting the few times we hung out on campus). We've known each other for almost 2 months, but due to trips and busy schedules we only hung out in class and talked over phone/text/email.

At this point, we had not kiss because her body language has always been strange around me. Sometimes she would button up my shirt or wipe something from my chin etc.

Other times her body language seemed closed, crossed armed and hunched around me. But in class, she's a natural leader.

At one point yesterday she told me that I was 'intimidating'. I was kind of surprised and asked her what she meant but she wouldn't elaborate. I'm a theatre actor who has the very tiniest amount of recognition. Not at all famous, but I've been in a few locally publicized productions. I'm also on a collegiate sports scholarship. This is not to brag; I think it could be what intimidates her?

In short, the following happened:

We met up at 1pm to go to the festival. But because she rescheduled our date earlier in the week, I had jokingly made her promise to accompany me on my Saturday morning 'chores'.

First, I took her to a friend's birthday breakfast in a local park. A few of my friends were there including several local bands. She commented that my friends seemed to be 'trendy types'. I don't think that's a good thing.

Secondly, I had other friends running a market stall in a vintage clothing fair. This friend in particular is a very distinct character (enormous afro, labret piercing, handlebar moustache and dressed like he's from the 70s).

She immediately recognizes him and says to me "how do you know this guy? I've seen him around everywhere and all over my friends facebooks and always wondered about his story!"

My friend comes up to me and after some talking he announces "are you still acting man? dude you were like my idol!"

I knew that this a sort of social proof, but I was starting to think that she was indeed getting intimidated and maybe that wasn't a good thing.

The date ended going all right. At about 6 in the evening, we ended up at the subway and here's when things got a little odd.

We're sitting in a quiet alcove in the subway waiting for her train to come first. I can't remember how the conversation started but she ended up saying "well, you do make me feel a little bit uncomfortable"

I asked her what she meant but she changed the topic.

It became incredibly awkward after that. Her train was coming in 5 minutes and we both sat there in a tense silence.

Her train came and she got up to leave but I grabbed her by the hand, sat her back down and said 'you can give me another 10 minutes'.

She reluctantly admitted that 'uncomfortable' was the wrong word and maybe 'cautious' or 'more aware of herself' was more appropriate.

She also said it was odd that I didn't speak to her all semester and then approached her with a very accurate comment/guess about her and then left in a hurry 5 minutes later (this was a thread months ago when I met her and just guessed what she did).

That she'd 'never met anyone like me on campus before'.

In return, I told her that I'm the sort of guy who takes everything slow. It doesn't matter who that person is, but I need to get to know them before I allow them into my circle of friends.

Her train came but she didn't get on. We sat in that alcove for the next two hours talking.

Finally, I told her to scrap the subway home and took her back to my neighbourhood where we grabbed a late dinner/coffee, talked some more and I drove her home.

It was about midnight by the time she got back. Outside her place, I pulled her in and kissed her. She kissed back shyly and hugged me but kept like a 3 inch space between us. I still sensed that she was nervous or shy about something but considering her confidence, I found that kind of weird.

I teased her a bit about her hug, kissed her quickly again and then pulled away and left.

In all, an eventful day. I still don't know how she feels about me and why exactly I make her seem so 'aware of herself'? I don't even know how she thinks about the situation or if I should call her again.

[talaniman]

Sounds like you have been having a good time with her and slowly is the way to go, but don't start thinking to deep at this point as its still to early to know anything. But that's okay, it gives you something to look forward to right?

[I wish]

We can spend all day dissecting every detail of your date, but the bottom line is, if she's willing to go out with you again, then there's a chance that she's interested in getting to know you better. On the other hand, she might only be friendly and wants to make a new friend.

Only time will tell what's on her mind. The key is to try to meet up again and keep getting to know each other better. Furthermore, sounds like she's the type who takes a little more time opening up, so be patient. Let things flow naturally.

[jmjoseph]

Do you make her laugh? Are you a funny guy?

Like "I Wish" has mentioned above, we can TRY to read into this from our perspective, but I think if you really enjoy spending time with her, you should make her feel comfortable at all costs.

Open up. Be humorous. Have fun together. I agree, if she has invested this much time with you so far, you're doing something right.

I have to ask, how much dating experience do you have? And how did those dates go, please?

I'm pulling for you buddy. Mary Louise Parker is a sweetheart in my book.

[CageWalk]

She teases me and I tease her back. In fact, she's one of those girls who'll try to make you laugh 50% of the time as opposed to letting the guy spend all his wit. So yes, we both laugh and we're funny enough towards each other.

In terms of dating experience, I'm 24 and have had somewhat more dating experience relative to my age.

I've been in two long term relationships (one 2 years and one 3.5 years+ moving in). Since 2008, I've been in open relationships with several girls never really willing to commit (my own personal/work reasons I won't get into here)- But I've always been very upfront about this to the girls I dated. Even now there are two girls/long time friends who are potentials and have hinted in wanting to date but I've so far turned them down in favour of 'Mary Lou'.

I've never really had a girl react to me and confuse me the way this one has though.

I had thought we had a lot of 'comfort' already. We are both over-achieving students who juggle 20hrs of collegiate sports a week, constantly frustrated over our lack of sleep. We both had adhd as kids, are left-handed music/humanities types who don't drink. We read the same books, quote the same movies and listen to the same bands. With that much in common, we banter and tease mercilessly.

It's weird she would turn around and say she wasn't comfortable but also 'not in a bad way'.

I guess we'll see what happens. She'll be going overseas for a month in a few days and I'll be busy with my own works. I've become wary of investing too much into relationships nowadays, because I'm at a really good place in life right now. I don't want to disrupt anything and any girl that comes along will have to fit in perfectly.

[talaniman]

I think your on a great path if you can be patient as you have been, and see if things continue as they have been.

The others have made a great point though, as don't over think every little detail. That will drive you crazy.

[CageWalk]

Another Update: And thank you for those who have been reading my long narratives. I sometimes feel like I can't open up to my friends because within my social circle, I'm expected to be the problem solver. It's nice to be able to put my thoughts here.

We've since been out again and had (what I thought) was a great day together. We laughed a lot, kissed a little and generally she seemed to genuinely like spending time with me.

That was Tuesday. Since then, she's neither messaged nor called me.

2 days ago (thurs) I sent her a short text asking if she'd like to go out one more time before she goes overseas for a month.

In reply, she subtly ignored my question, answered with something off-topic and since then we haven't said anything to each other (no anger or anything, just absence of communication).

By Monday, she'll be overseas and I won't contact her for 4 weeks.

In the meantime, I have another girl wanting to go on a date with me next week. But right now I'm so confused with 'Mary Lou' that I don't know where I stand or how to proceed.

How is it that we can get to know each other over a 2-3 month period, go on 6 dates, and then have her just become cold and distant a few days before she leaves? It seems we were really clicking.

I feel like I should call her, at least the day before she leaves. Then again, I've already sent her a text, so if she wanted to get in touch, she could.

It's almost too bizarre to see someone for a few months and then not even say a word to each other when she leaves and for the whole time she's away.

[talaniman]

Maybe she has loose ends to tie up before her trip. Regardless, she has other things taking her attention, so leave her be, bid her farewell before she leaves, and carry on with doing your own thing.

It was fun while it lasted, but life has ended things for now. You already have other options lined up any way, so don't take this personally.

[adam_89]

Well, I just got caught up on things and I really enjoyed your post. It was very interesting and things seem to be going good for you up until today. I would suggest giving her a goodbye tomorrow before she leaves and let her do the rest. While she is gone, go on a few dates and have some fun, because you guys aren't exclusive or anything yet, right?

[CageWalk]

One (maybe last?) more update.

She ended up contacting me on Sunday morning and I decided to take her to explore my high school, a place I hadn't been to since my graduation 5 years ago.

It wasn't as boring as it sounds. It's a victorian era school in the middle of the inner city, rambling with old sandstone buildings and rose gardens. We ended up exploring and talking for about 4 hours. Yet the whole time, I get the feeling she wanted to say something but was holding back.

I drove her home in the evening and she asked if I could drive her someplace else because she had something to show me.

We ended up at a skate park where she spent a lot of time growing up.

As a freakish coincidence, I also squandered a lot of time there as a kid (even though we grew up in opposite ends of a large city several years apart).

We actually ended up sitting on the very skate ramp where I broke my arm when I was 14. Whilst there, she finally told me that she was 'nervous about the trip and nervous about me.'

She said, 'I didn't expect this. I didn't expect to meet you.'

I'm not sure what she meant by this and for once, she had a hard time articulating. Ironically, she felt like 'I was the one who was sending her mixed signals' and that she had feelings for me.

I told her that I thought she wanted to remain single for the trip to which she replied - 'no, I don't behave that way.'

She still wasn't able to tell me why I made her so nervous and what it was she expected. I didn't want to press.

I told her several times throughout the night that - '4 weeks is a long time. There can be too many variables and that I'd see what happens when she comes back.' I'm so busy most days I only get 4-5 hours of sleep a night so I didn't want to make any promises I couldn't keep.

Other than that, we completely lost track of time. When we checked our phones it was almost midnight.

It was really late by the time we left the skate park and as we're walking back to my car, she turns and says - "you can't drive me home this time. I need to go by myself, and I need my own time."

I found this odd. I always escort her to her door. It was late and the streets were quiet, but she was adamant that she needed 'the time alone to go home'.

'I'll see you in a few weeks,' was the last thing she said. Now she's in paris by herself (cliched story I know) and I'll be going interstate for a few weeks myself.

Thanks for reaching the end of my rambling. I haven't even told my closest friends about any of this. Over the past months these forums have offered thoughtful and judicious advice.

hopefully we'll have more adventures. Maybe.

[talaniman]

Enjoy yourself, and keep us updated. So far so good.

[CageWalk]

Everything seemed to be on a high note when she left, but since then, it seems things have deteriorated.

Not wanting to crowd her out with emails from home, I waited for her to contact me while she was overseas.

About 3-4 days into her trip, she sent me a one line email and a photo of something she saw which reminded her of me. (street art of my favourite author)

I replied the following day with news from home but since then I have not heard anything from her.

It's been 9 days without contact now. She has no phone and there is no other way to reach her.

Worries about her safety notwithstanding (I don't want to turn this thread into speculation of her safety since its impossible to know), it seems she is clearly displaying by her actions that she doesn't care too much about maintaining any sort of relationship when she comes back.

Moreover, the situation is exacerbated by interest from a girl I once dated who has recently moved back to Melbourne. That is another situation altogether, but I feel like I'm waiting around for someone who may come back a totally changed person.

I don't feel the same chemistry with this girl as I do with 'Mary Lou', but new girl's interest does rouse me to the question - 'is it worth waiting?', especially given the utter lack of contact.

[CageWalk]

I've been seeing a girl for 3 months but she has recently left for Europe (4 weeks) all by her lonesome.

She's independent, stable and very smart, so I found myself quickly falling for her. The night before she left, she even sat me down and confessed all her fears and feelings about us and her life in general.

We left on a high note. But that was a fortnight ago. She emailed me with a quick update and some photos about 3-4 days into the trip, which I replied to.

Since then, it's been about 9-10 days and I can't contact her. She doesn't have her phone, and I've emailed her once without reply. In Europe, I can't imagine an internet café would be difficult to find and she even took her work with her along with her macbook.

Simply put, there is no alternative besides email, that would allow me to contact her.

Not wanting to bombard her with messages, I've left it at the one email. But part of me is beginning to worry. Truth be told, I'm drifting between worry (about her safety), indignation (that she would be so uncharacteristically thoughtless as to not even let me know she's ok) and excuses (maybe she's just having too much fun and it's normal).

Does anyone have any similar experiences to share?

[lifeistough75]

It is certainly not normal, even if she is having too much fun. Perhaps she is not into you as much as you are into her. It is been only 3 months, she may be seeing this "relationship" in a different light. This is such a common issue at the onset of any relationship. Because the two people usually don't feel the same intensity about the relationship just yet. One is usually ahead of the other person. Having said that, there is plenty of access to internet in Europe and she could have been writing you. But do give her a chance to explain, there might be a very legitimate reason.

[Kitkat22]

You may want to contact her friend to make sure she's all right.

[CageWalk]

Yeh, agreed on the disparity in terms of affection in early relationships. At the same time, she has always been very thoughtful and considerate, so it's almost out of character for her.

I can't contact her friends (I've met them briefly, but I don't know them enough to seek them out).

Is 10 days of no contact a cause of concern, or am I just over reacting?

[kctiger]

I think you're over reacting. Just let her enjoy her trip and calm yourself down. I'm sure she'll get in contact with you once she has time. I realize you two have been "together" for three months, but this is probably a once in a lifetime trip, and her priorities are to enjoy it while it lasts.

For someone who is highly independent, this doesn't sound abnormal at all in my opinion.

[Kitkat22]

I am a woman and a mom, so I guess I look at things differently.
I would be worried and I would try to contact her parents and ask them.

[fireguy40]

I wouldn't worry too much, If she is independent as you say on a trip to europe she will just be taking in all the sites walking everywhere and doing as much as she can.
To give an example a few years ago a friend and I did a road trip across the states for a month, nobody heard from us for 3 weeks as we were just trying to pack as much into everyday as possible, take pictures and make sure I didn't miss out on anything.

Id just chill 10 days on a holiday goes so fast it only feels like 2, its just when your sat at home fretting that it feels like a long time,

[CageWalk]

Cheers for the story fireguy. Holidays do flash past for the person away, but they're treacle to the person at home.

At what point should a rational person become concerned about the lack of update though? She is a 21 year old girl alone on another continent.

I myself, am prone to worrying about her safety (I spent 3 years in the service and am prone to being jaded).

Should I shoot her an email after no update for 14 days? 3 weeks perhaps? Varied input and perspectives appreciated.