Check out some similar questions!

elwoodb · Jul 3, 2010, 11:25 PM

I have been trying to work on a routine, it's been difficult though changing locations living in a hotel room and now finally moving into a house it hasn't been that easy. Only really been able to go to the gym every second day as anything consistent. Started writing down what I want to do for tomorrow before I go to sleep, starts with 'keep going your doing great' then it's stuff like install washing machine.

The NC has been difficult today, feeling guilty for not replying to her message from a couple of days ago. But then again she's made no attempt to contact me, trying to hang in there at the moment but still suffering from the feeling of complete devastation.

My sister thinks she's going to come sniffing around because I'm not giving her any attention now. I'm unsure that this will happen but she was certain that it would happen. Do you guys think that would be the case? My sister has been very blunt on the situation too me, saying that she's very selfish and acting like a spoilt brat, she also mumbled about her being an only child with divorced parents but I'm not sure that if that would have any influence on the situation and an almost passing of the buck of her responsibility. I'm no expert that's for sure!

martinizing2 · Jul 4, 2010, 02:03 AM

One of the hardest things I ever had to learn is that you can be in love with someone , but can't live with them.

If you could choose who you fell in love with , life would be easier by far. But love can be inexplicable. Why people develop the feelings they experience will be the subject of study and speculation as long as there are people.

When in a similar situation I spent my time learning to play the guitar which made me unaware of everything but the music. I would play from when I woke up until I slept on more than a few occasions.

NC is torture at first but as the contact stops the pain diminishes. Take it a day at a time. It is not easy and will not be fast. Learn to deal with it rather than expect it to stop completely. That takes time.

positiveparent · Jul 4, 2010, 06:22 AM

Anytime a relationship we had thought would last forever ends its devastating and in many ways its like a death, and with that comes a mourning period, you are going to have days when you'll feel great and positive you've made the right decision, then you'll have days where the pain is almost unbearable and you'll wonder if you've got it all wrong, and then days where you know you've made the right decsion, but you'll still have a niggling doubt as to if its right or wrong.

You will hurt you will question yourself and even your sanity, it will seem never ending and you'll think the pain is never going to diminish.

Losing a love interest does hurt, it hurts like nothing on earth, however in time it will ease, and will get easier to bear.

Just try to keep telling yourself this will pass, and that you're doing the right thing, its better to have this episode of pain and uncertainty now than to have stayed in the relationship, only to find it fails at a later stage, where there may have been children involved.

You will overcome this and you will go on and in time you'll learn to love and trust again, and you'll find the happiness you long for and deserve.

When you feel its unbearable you can always come to this site, and you'll find support and understanding.

Just hang in there, it takes time, but it does eventually go away. And you'll emerge from this stronger, more mature and will have gained inner strength you didn't know you had.

This will pass. It will that's a promise...

In reply to your question of will she come sniffing around, yes that's quite possible and that's the time you will need all your strength to resist temptation to re start the relationship, unless of course you're willing to fall back into something that's not good for you and won't help you live a happy and fulfilled life, you'll have to consider, can you trust her, will she also be willing to work on herself and with you to deal with the issues that are behind this, and much more. For now though you need to concentrate on you, and you alone.

elwoodb · Jul 5, 2010, 12:37 AM

Thanks for the kind words guys, sure is helping a lot! Today has been a better day, wasn't much happening at work but the great thing is I don't take my phone in so can't check it every two minutes! I'm going from the god I miss her to the how the hell did this happen (what snapped in her head) to not missing the drama if I was talking to her. It's been a bit over 5 days now, I don't think I'll hear from her until she's goes to Chicago away from the guy and gets some perspective. I'm not sure how she will react when I'm not at the airport to meet her like I said I would... I've decided to take some leave off work and visit my family and friends for 1 to 2 weeks when she gets in. I've seen them twice in a year so it will do me some good.

Cheers
Elwood

talaniman · Jul 5, 2010, 05:35 AM

She will be highly pizzed when she flies in, and no body to meet her. That would be something to tell someone about, a change in plans.

martinizing2 · Jul 5, 2010, 05:47 AM

The family visit is an excellent idea and will probably do you more good than you realize.
Continue to remain strong and take it a day at a time. I know it is no easy task.

It will be easier as time goes by. The change you talked about from missing her, evolving to not missing the drama shows you putting this into a better perspective.

Keep up the good work.

elwoodb · Jul 5, 2010, 02:41 PM

The family visit is something to look forward too, I never realized how much the drama was about her being away from her mum and friends when I think it was only a 3 month gap at most. It was six months for me... I'm beginning to realize how self centered she has become. I know the situation we were in was crap at the best of times but I always thought that being together would get us through.

I don't think I was the only person going to be at the airport, I can always through her mum a txt saying I'm not going to be there. But that moment is still a week away.

I wish · Jul 5, 2010, 03:44 PM

Unfortunately, reading your thread is like watching you bang your head on the wall over and over again. I just want to help you stop hurting yourself over and over again.

Unless you can fix the problems, things will just blow up over and over again. If I were in your situation, I would find it extremely difficult to trust her again. It's obvious that she wants to see if things work out with the American guy. If it does, then she can completely cut you out. If he doesn't, she has you as her backup plan. Do you really want to be her safety net?

It's not easy to end a relationship of 4 years. You have a lot of history.

As I can see throughout your thread, you've been on and off on the no contact aspect. Check out the no contact related threads in my signature. I'm sure it will give you some insights if you haven't read them already.

It's not going to be easy to cut her out of your life, but in the long run, it will make it easier for you to move on with your life.

elwoodb · Jul 5, 2010, 07:11 PM

G'day I wish, certainly have been banging my head against the wall. Trying to stop and I'm getting better at it. I initially posted here to get an independent viewpoint and to clarify what's been going on in my head. The support I have received here to be frank is unbelievable! As for the no contact I haven't tried to contact her since I initiated it last Wednesday, with her only attempt to contact me on our 4 year anniversary, which I chose not to answer.

As for the trust, it's pretty much went the day she chose this guy over me. She said to me I don't want this to end because of him, we had other issues etc. Well I was willing to work on the issues, but I can't accept her seeing the other guy, it's killed it for me. She can spin it as much as she wants but for me that is the final straw. There's isn't much anyone can do now except protect myself from further devastation :/

vanheart · Jul 5, 2010, 08:45 PM

Don't be torn. There's nothing good to be had with any more contact with her.

She's just feeling guilty. And she should. Typical.

Don't spend any more emotional time worrying about her.

After all, she's with another guy. So... no reason to invest anymore.
Just you from now on.

That's personal control you mentioned, keep it up.

Oh yeah,

"she accidently texted me instead of her American ex-Internet boyfriend, asking him to come and talk to her online"

And the fact that she attacked you for questioning your trust. Screw that. She's a liar.

That would have sold the deal for me.

elwoodb · Jul 6, 2010, 07:14 PM

Vanheart - Everyone is awesome in hindsight! When I thought about it I found it hard to breakup a 3 year relationship over a text message. It's only in the last couple of weeks that I have found out how much their relationship has redeveloped. Who knows what has actually happened with them, I doubt If I'll never find out the whole truth. Unless of course the guilt sets in bigtime and she needs to blurt it out. I think this guy is a bit of an obsession for her, I've never come across anyone that has an Internet friendship of 9 years without meeting? Stand be corrected though. She's denied the whole time that he's her whatif guy, so be it. Either way she chose a boy who has some dodgey qualities over the guy that's supported and stood by her for 4 years. Seriously there should not have been much of an argument, he should have been kicked to the curb a long time ago.

On a side note, personal milestone, it's been a week of NC feel a bit of an achievement with that! However there's a football game on tonight that reminds me of her a lot. It will be the first time ever that we haven't had a bet with each other and a lot of banter. Fortunatly when Queensland crush new south wales tonight I'll feel much better!

Thanks everyone, today has been a much better day :)

vanheart · Jul 6, 2010, 07:31 PM

Elwood, Im happy that you're going NC.

Stick with it. Ya, know, all Ive been hearing from your posts is about the other guy. Let that crap go.

Don't waste anymore time on those thoughts or the reasons.

You got with a deceiver that wasn't really invested. Your gain, actually. Glad that you realize it now rather than later.

I was in an LD relationship & got dumped over the phone.
Go figure...

elwoodb · Jul 7, 2010, 07:01 PM

Well I'm trying to let go not having much luck with that at the moment! Seems my subconcious is even starting to come to the party now, had my first nightmare about them last night. Needless to say I struggled to get back to sleep and struggled even more at work today :/ Not what I was planning after having a decent day yesterday. Restrained my a huge urge to send a text today, all it was going to say... Why?

The phone call breakup, very harsh! But that is pretty much what was attempted on me as well. I'm heading home for two weeks tomorrow which is something that will definitely help. I haven't been able to talk face-to-face about this yet so that should hopefully help too. Seeing my best mate, he's the only guy I know that's been divorced by 25, as he said on the phone "you helped me through my breakup, but I honestly never thought I'd return the favour".

That's the plan, hopefully I'm left alone by her for a while so I can regain my strength for moving all her stuff out of my house...

vanheart · Jul 8, 2010, 08:08 PM

You should be glad that you're subconcious is joining in.

My ex still creeps in, never a good one. Never discredit a sign, awake or not. Be open & aware.

Glad your going back. That's what loved ones are for. To love.

Hope you know that it takes strength & time to get over a breakup.

Use this. Life works that way.

elwoodb · Jul 11, 2010, 01:28 AM

Hey guys, a quick update.
It's still all quiet on the girlfriend front, I have been spending the weekend with my friends who have cheered me up a huge amount. Been a good weekend off going back to my roots so to speak, watched my old rugby team play then went out and saw so many old friends and have had a fun time. 2 weeks of this is definitely going to do me some good. Trying not to think about the coming conversations with her, how is the best way to deal with firstly the official break then of course sorting out the removal and sorting everything out whilst maintaining a semblence of NC. I've decided that I need to wait until I can talk to her about this without getting hurt and angry about it or have another fight. I'm thinking if we have to meet it should be a public place like a café?

vanheart · Jul 12, 2010, 12:49 AM

Well, the break is already official. So, forget that part.

NC isn't temporary. Its full on.

Not sure what you mean by removal. But if its about things or items, then send them or dump them.

You have already received her answer. That's closure even though it hasn't set in yet.

She's shown you nothing but disrespect.

In case you forgot:

"she doesn't feel the same way"

"she accidently texted me instead of her American ex-Internet boyfriend".

"She decided she wants to meet this guy, for a couple of days over summerfest in Milwaukee"

"i don't report to you"

"I'm in love with someone that doesn't think she feels it back and is spending our anniversery with another guy."

This girl isn't worth another second. Don't meet in a café or anywhere else. Disappear.

elwoodb · Jul 12, 2010, 12:56 AM

Well she arrived today, she sent me a text this morning just after she got in. It went along the lines of I have arrived it's been an exhuasting day of travel, how are you? How's the dog? I found it to be a text of her playing the innocent and it has annoyed me great amount. I haven't bothered to reply to the text, I just can't believe that after what's happened she sends me a token text. I guess she was probably expecting me to be there with flowers etc. Sorry guys felt the need to vent after this. Must keep the NC going!

vanheart · Jul 12, 2010, 01:02 AM

Don't cave & fall into that trap.

Don't let her use you anymore.

My ex tried the same BS.

Stay strong with NC. Don't respond. You are now the invisible man. How cool is that?

vanheart · Jul 12, 2010, 01:26 AM

You are absolutely right.

This is a token text. How's the dog, or better yet my puppy.

So lame & predictable.

She wants to lie, jet around, screw guys & have you there to return to.

I hope you are getting pissed off over this. I would.

The great thing about this now, is that YOU are in control.

Like chuff told me, when I was dealing with the same crap was " the opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference"

So incredibly true.

Remove yourself from her life. It's the only way.

elwoodb · Jul 12, 2010, 04:40 AM

Just avoided the first call from her, if she had of cared she would have called after stepping off the plane? Not 14 hours later! No voicemail was left... Got a text though - asking if I was still alive, then stated she was tired and going to bed. I'm guessing she is pretty annoyed at the moment! As for being p****d off well I am! I'm getting a small amount of satisfaction from NC at the moment. She couldn't be bothered to try and contact when she was overseas, she comes back and all of a sudden 3 attempts in one day? What can I say I feel like I've been played, and now I'm taking my bat and ball and going home!

So I take it that this kind of behaviour is standard by someone that has the kind of behaviour? I'm trying to work out the mental characteristics so I can avoid it in the future!