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sdeborah · Jun 28, 2010, 05:43 PM

My boyfriend of 3 and a half yrs have afew issues,neither of us will say what we really want. I'm 48 and he's 41,I have 2 kids iving at home he resides on his own. Hes asked me a couple of times to move in with him but the house is half the size of mine,I've never asked him to live with me as I think he has issues with that one. We seem to fallout every couple of mnths,possibly down to me as the relationship doesn't seem to move to another level,he's never been maried and no kids. I do everything he asks of me but and drop everything for him he does nothing for me even when I'm desperate for a hand.He helps me out financially if he can. A couple of weeks ago I blew my top with him saying how selfish and immature etc he is he stormed out leaving it 3 days for him to text and say he was really sorry he'd shouted at me,I text back saying same,then nothing. 3 days passed and I asked if he'd meet up it was a struggle as he'd somehow gained back control so he made it pretty damn difficult for me,trying to cut all the petty details out here,we met he was cautious and I was still mad,he said we needed to talk I agreed but then declined the offer by saying he can't say what he really wants and stick to it,he said I was the same. I met him nxt night for a drink we seemed OK but I didn't feel great about things as I'd instigated me being with him. My phone rang a couple of times during the evening,he asked who it was and I said nobody. He asked if I'd meet him nxt day to watch a football match knowing I'd made other arrangements to do same,I said maybe,anyway I stayed at his the night but he had to be up and out at half 3 in the morning as he had work so we went to bed to sleep,his attitude towards me during the night waned,I think it was after I hadn't told him who was calling me on my phone. He seemed awkward and cold.When he'd fallen asleep I felt I shouldn't be there and was feeling abit degraded by his lack of attention when all I wanted to do was shake him and ask what the hell is going on and do you still want me,but it was not the right time. Not being able to stand it any longer I upped and left. Nxt day his friend who he'd gone to work with called me and said my boyfriend had told him I wanted to stay the night telling him she(meaning me,obviously)was there when he fell asleep but had vanished when he woke up saying he couldn't understand it. I'm sure deep down he knew things weren't great,I didn't hear anything from him all day and I certainly didn't feel I should explain why I'd left,I felt he should have been asking me. 8pm that night he text,which was right out the blue,being as things were strained between us and it had been me doing the recent texting,it seemed odd,he put "lets just end it and leave it at that". I was shocked,normally he'd just wait for me to get in touch and explain. I never did reply,I assume he's quite angry with me and abit confused. Its day 3 and I still can't text him,I have nothing to say to a text like that. I would imagine he meant it but over the yrs all he's ever known is me running after him like lovesick teenager,6mnths ago I would have text him like a shot pleading with him in some pathetic way while still trying to save face. I could go on forever to be honest but my point is I love him dearly with all his faults,strange isn't it that I settle for so little,I tell myself this all the time. We needed to have that talk but I don't have the courage,nor him if he be truthful. Anyway back to my point,cant find any words to say to him at this time,but I do feel I still want him,what can anyone out there make of this will he eventually come round or do I just get on with my own life now. To anyone who takes the time to read these ramblings of a dumped woman,I'm grateful,and hope for some truthful feedback..

**** email edited out

Alty · Jun 28, 2010, 06:14 PM

I've asked the mods to remove your email. It's not a good idea to post that information on the internet. Any feedback you will get, will be here on this thread. :)

You want honesty, so I'll be honest. If you hadn't told us your age, if I had to judge just by your actions, I'd guess you were in your teens.

You don't have a mature relationship. You both play games with each other and then pout when the other person doesn't get the hint.

neither of us will say what we really want

Then how the heck are either one of you supposed to figure out how to have a relationship with each other?

we met he was cautious and I was still mad,he said we needed to talk I agreed but then declined the offer by saying he can't say what he really wants and stick to it,he said I was the same.

He wants to talk, and instead of listening, you insult him and get nowhere.

I met him nxt night for a drink we seemed OK but I didn't feel great about things as I'd instigated me being with him.

Games. Why does it matter who instigated it? Are you or are you not a couple?

My phone rang a couple of times during the evening,he asked who it was and I said nobody

Why didn't you tell him? Were you hoping he'd get upset about it? If not, then there was no reason to keep the caller a secret. Passive aggressive behavior does not work in a relationship.

When he'd fallen asleep I felt I shouldn't be there and was feeling abit degraded by his lack of attention when all I wanted to do was shake him and ask what the hell is going on and do you still want me,but it was not the right time

Did he ask you to spend the night, or was that your choice? Either way, both of you knew he had to go to bed early because he had to be at work early. What kind of attention did you expect? When will it ever be the right time to tell him how you feel when you feel it?

"lets just end it and leave it at that"

Personally, after 3 years of the games you two have been playing with each other, I think this is the best idea. Maybe he's finally realized that the relationship isn't working. Sometimes it's best to cut your losses and move on.

Personally, I think it's time to move on. If you ever get seriously involved with someone else, I suggest you start the relationship off without all the drama and games that this one had.

That's my honest opinion.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 28, 2010, 06:18 PM

Email removed

vanheart · Jun 28, 2010, 08:04 PM

"lets just end it and leave it at that"

Give him that wish.

talaniman · Jun 28, 2010, 09:45 PM

Thank God this soap is over. Someone pass the remote.

sdeborah · Jun 29, 2010, 05:33 AM

Thanks so much for your honest opinions. I didn't read my long winded question back until today was late and I was tired but what I had wrote was somewhat childish and desperate. After reading your comments I have to admit how right you all are and that's what I needed,think its called a reality check.I feel I have to add my defence that there are certain things I couldn't speak of in respect of both our privacies but on the face of it,it is what it is. I will only have one regret where my relationship with this guy is concerned and that is I never really got to tell him what I really wanted,so I shall grant him that wish and let him go. Thanks again

Alty · Jun 29, 2010, 12:17 PM

I'm glad you read our comments with an open mind. So many times people come here asking for an honest opinion and when we give it, they get upset because it's not what they want to hear.

One thing to keep in mind, for future relationships, is that communication, honesty in how you feel, that is the basis for any healthy relationship. If you can't talk to each other, be honest with each other, then why are you together?

I wish you luck in your future relationships. :)