[kp2171]

Like I said, I think avoiding an issue like this just lets it fester... I think if you have a future together, you need to be able to talk through these kind of things... even when you are together, there will be issues like this that might be tough to talk about...

So...

Is there any concrete timeline or plan? How long are you likely to be apart?

[Ithappenstoall]

Yes there is concrete time line, have to keep this up for another year to be together.
But in the meantime we plan on visits like this one, and communicate all the time, everyday.
I am optimistic because we have already cleared a lot of issues and can see how this can work and will work when we are reunited again

[kp2171]

Well... like I said, I just don't like being left to wonder. Been burned when I just ignored warning signs.

Id give her an opening to express frustration. If you have your visit timeline really nailed down, can you make solid plans? Dinner reservation? Tickets to a show? What did you think about doing for her birthday?

That anticipation... with some planning involved... might hold her over some.

And id still be inclined to send spring flowers or a kind note or something...

k. I'm out for the time being. Others will chime in with their 2 cents over the next couple days I'm sure...

[Ithappenstoall]

I did send a box of chocolate which should be expected any day now

[Ithappenstoall]

Hello All,
I could really use some input on this.

Let me first bring you up to speed. I have been with this girl for close two 2 years now.One was with her and another was away from her.
Everything was good until a few weeks ago when I visited her, where we fought a lot. We fought because I was not being myself because my parents despite not having any issues with her, do not really approve of her. She found out about this and she was really heartbroken. I was so upset with that as well and it made me act distant, I was constantly thinking about it and how to fix things.
So when I left and came back in my town, things were okay until she said that she doesn't know how things were going to work and we should take some time to think. She wanted a break but a few later we started talking again. At that point I saw that superficial things like hiding her Facebook status (in a relationship) were done and that hurt. I asked her about this and why you are doing this and she just is down and depressed. She tells me I don't know how the same person that I love can make me feel so good and so bad at the same time.
She then tells me that I need to come and be next her, that way it will be easier to fix things, together. I told her that we only have to go through this one more year and things will be great, that despite the issues we can work them out.
At this point she tells me she doesn't want to do this anymore, she says she doesn't know how she feels anymore, she is confused, about her feeling about it all.
A few days later she tells me I want to come and see you, I want to be with you.
That is followed by a few days later that I don't know if I should come because I can't see myself with you on the long run. It is one good day then one bad day
After this one more time I talk to her and calm her down telling her that I am always by your side and that my parents will accept you just give it time. We love each other and you are acting this because you are scared, and that is clouding your judgment. I told her not to throw all that my parents have done on me.
Then I ask her what can you say things like baby , I love you etc... And she responds by saying because I don't know right now, I am lost, all of this is so much to take.

After all this in the last two days we had a great two hour talk on webcam. At the end of it she was smiling and I thought it was great, she said love you and baby and everything. The next day I talk to her and I tell her I'm glad we had a good talk and she like yea h but nothing was resolved. Than I tell her what you can't be serious after all this and you answer me this way and she says stop pushing me etc etc.
So this morning she writes to me its working, I feel better, but I still don't want you to call, I feel better and calmer when you are not pushing me. Then I am like sure, and are you okay (it was 5 am) she like I can't sleep I need help, I don't respond, and then she like you are not going to console me ? I then respond and tell her calm down you are just sad etc good night sweet dreams

I am lost she come and goes and this is what happening on a weekly basis. She is suppose to come see me hopefully in 2 weeks and this has will be discussed and has not be resolved. I was wondering what you guys thought of this ?
Thanks


Sorry for the length guys

[positiveparent]

Hi, Ive read through your post and one thing that seems to jump out at me is that your g/f is not ready or wanting to be in a full on relationship, I think she's wanting to maybe experience more life or similar, I really feel that she not wanting to be committed to any one person.

I would say she's trying to let you know this but isn't quite sure how to do so, which is why she seems to be blowing hot and cold.

Perhaps you should go NC.

Or at least consider it.

[talaniman]

The strain of maintaining the LDR is showing, and that is normal. Every now and then you will have to reassure each other that the commitment is still intact.

You have to realize that she may be worried your parents are working behind your back because I doubt they accept you changing religions, AND the traditions that come with them. So of course they are not completely sold on her as your future mate, but time and happiness will take care of that.

But all these things factor into this feelings that get her down, and you too.

Its very hard but you have come a long way already, and you have to stay resolved and keep reassuring one another, even if issues are not immediately resolved. The point is you keep working on them until they are resolved. Try not to push though, or push back to hard, and just keep the ball rolling.

How much longer before you can be together in person?

[Ithappenstoall]

Between visit we will have to endure this for 10 more months

[kp2171]

She comes and goes because you let her.

Who wouldn't?

If I had a girl I could turn to on a whim, when I felt bad, and either get the attention I needed or at least vent some frustration at, knowing shed still be there, well... why not?

I'm not saying she's evil.

I do believe, as others have stated, she is just not all in... in fact, she's more out than in... she just likes the comfort of knowing you are there.

That isn't evil, necessarily. Its human. Mortal. Mean? A little. Maybe.

But you CANNOT validate your actions based on hers.

Which means I don't care if she strips down and shakes 'em in front of you and then runs away. Well, yeah. I care. Take pics. After that, you need to stop saying "she does this and she does that" and start with you.

So... I know it is confusing that she's back and forth. You need to stop asking why she's back and forth and just accept she isn't firmly interested. Not enough. And if she is interested, its more for the comfort of the known than that this is right.

Trust me. I've been on both sides of that game. Its easy to be caught up where you both are.

I hope you are able to just step back and walk. It just isn't enough that a love shows interest sometimes, when its convenient or when they are compelled. Good for them maybe, but not you.

Whatever the reason, she is not all in. that's all you need to know.

[Ithappenstoall]

Dear All,

Need advice.

My girlfriend and I who have been together for 2 years 1 together 1 long distance visited me last week and it was great. The problem between us is due to my parents who cannot accept her and despite me stating my side with her she doesn't seem to think I am doing much progress with them.
Yesterday we had that dreadful talk over the phone, we can't do this anymore she can't wait if she doesn't know we can be together.
I was devastated and all as we both want this but it might not be possible. What hurts even more is that despite not being a bad break up, she did things that hurt immediately after. Removed all fb pics, changed pic etcccc
To be honest that hurt the most, because as if she wants to erase something

Appreciate the wise feedback you guys can give me

[Ithappenstoall]

Life is unfair, We love each other but can't be together

[Wondergirl]

How old are the two of you, and what do your parents object to?

[Ithappenstoall]

25.. Religion is the main issue and concern.
I cannot imagine how two people who love each other can't be together because of other factors such as the one mentioned above
I appreciate all the words of advice and past experience to help me overcome this pain

[Ithappenstoall]

Any input guys

[Shadowburn]

If this is not something you're willing to work around, then you can't blame her for wanting to move on. I am no expert in religion issues, but what do you expect her to do? After being with you for two years and seeing no progress in your relationship, she lost all the hope and you can't ask her to wait indefinitely. Either you work it out with your parents, or let her go no matter how much it hurts. She is doing all the right things by erasing you from her life (taking down pictures etc.) - that's NC and that's what any sensible person should do. She is freeing a space in her life and in her heart for someone new who would give her what you could not.
Good luck.

[Homegirl 50]

Religion is a hard hurdle to cross. It is a part of who she is, her customs. She is just removing herself from a hopeless situation and has gone complete no contact.
Respect her decision and leave her alone.
Sometimes love is not enough.

[talaniman]

She is doing exactly what she needs to do to move on and get beyond the break up. Sorry for your loss, but when the emotional dust settles, you will be able to heal, and you have been here long enough on this forum to know to leave her alone and rebuild your life.

Sorry for your loss. It will get better.

[Ithappenstoall]

Right, I understand exactly what you guys are saying and completely agree. I guess part of me is still sadden by the fact that we broke up not because we didn't feel"in love anymore" but more because we had to. I had spent countless days arguing with my parents (who were the reason of the break up because they drove us and especially her mad) hoping to catch a break but I guess all that fighting got a toll on her.
IThe only thing that bothers me in all this is just the fact that she tells me or told me that I am not trying hard enough or didn't try hard enough to argue with my parents, which I think is completely ridiculous as I really tried.


It is just a different kind of break up that I did not experience, as we both have strong feeling for one another and did not want to part ways

[Homegirl 50]

Sometimes love is not enough and you just get tired of the way things are.
She for whatever reason decided to walk away.
Don't dwell on it, move on.

[Ithappenstoall]

Interesting turn of event. So out of nowhere yesterday she start writing to me saying stuff like I saw picture of you over the weekend and how you were having fun. I saw how you behave after not talking ot me for a few days and I just want to say I hate you and you and your family can go to hell.

I answered back saying what you might to look sad in the pic and behave like that. You cannot say these things because this is what you wanted, I still pushed for us to be together but you said that these issues were too much for you to take. So I am not going to sit around and dwell, I need to distract myself.
She then started saying stuff just to hurt me, saying stuff like this was such a bad relationship, and I just realized that I was blind, I was not happy but blinded by love, and you and your family don't deserve me, not one bit. This really hurt me and made me feel miserable, I was just so disappointed she stooped to this level, and said these things that really hurt me, extremely bad.
At this point my phone died and she sends me a message you don't even say bye, wow that something but good, and she follows by saying something that I told her I did but she tried to prove that I didn't.
When I saw this today I responded telling her this is all bs. I told you what I did and I mean it. All I wanted was us but you had enough of my family, and that fine but do not say wrongful stuff like that.