[talaniman]

Before you get sucked back in yet again, reread your post and see this is yet another circle she is traveling in, and honestly, don't we all feel good after a party, drinks, and sex??

You better think a bit about what you do next as I believe the other her will emerge again, and want space.

I think your feeling are still so intense, it clouds your judgment, and you have hope (AGAIN) she has changed, based on nothing more than words, that have no actions, and drunken sex is not positive action.

I WOULDN'T BE AT ALL SURPRISED THAT SHE SHOWED UP AT THE PARTY JUST FOR YOU. So no defending her. Just pay attention, as I know how hard it has to be to cut those kind of long term attachments and rewrite the intense history of the past, but sooner or later, you will have to make up your mind to get back into the old limbo you have worked so hard to escape, or run your own program that works for you.

No more going with the flow and being confused. Decision time. Now make one!! And stick to it!! (let the glow of alcohol and sex settle down first, because I know you needed that shot of a$$, but don't let it be a factor in your decision).

I would have left at the sight of her.

[Barry1981]

I was in your position 2 years ago - my ex broke up with me and then asked me to get back with her after 7 months apart. Like you I'd never really healed and my general mood changed the instant I knew she wanted to be with me.

Now we're 2 yrs down the line (6.5yrs together total) and she's broken it off again, only this time we have a house and a mortgage together.

My mistake was to rush back into it without fully addressing the issues that broke us up the first time - now I'm paying for it a second time.

My advice would be to take it VERY slowly! If you feel you can open yourself up to her again, do it but don't go head first. Make sure you talk things through in full before jumping back in...

[BillRoland]

So, it has been 3 weeks since my last post and I wanted to provide y'all with an update.

Here it goes. As you may know from reading all of the unbelievable bs I've been through the past few months, three weeks ago, I saw my x of over 5 years who broke up with me 4 months ago at a party and ended up leaving with her. After that night, she told me she wanted to get back together with me and started calling to ask me to do things. Having been through this same situation with her before multiple times in the last months, I played it slow and didn't rush back into anything. Since that time, I have seen her two to three times a week for dinner or a movie, etc. I've spent the night multiple times at her place over the past few weeks (fill in the blanks). And things have been generally good. We have fun together.

Each time we've seen each other she's mentioned to me she wants to marry me again. She said that the circumstances that led us to break up were based on other pressure and stress and we both made mistakes. She admits that a month ago she wanted nothing to do with me. But claims that when she saw me at that party three weeks ago - she realized (in a matter of days since our last encouter?) that I was exactly what she has been looking for. That she realizes now that I'm the person she wants to be with and didn't know that at the time. Every time this gets brought up, I have consistently told her I don't want to be in a serious relationship with her again - somewhat of a lie.

On my end, for whatever reasons, I still want to be with her. When she calls or I see her and she expresses an interest in me - it's like the sun is shining only on me. All I can think about is doing things with her and making plans with her when I'm not with her. I've lost the desire to go out and try to meet other women and only want to be with her. And, the women I've met since we broke up were all awful - I started losing hope in ever meeting anyone even close.

Knowing all that, I'm pretty sure she has had sex with another man after we broke up. I didn't. In addition, her demeanor has changed - she talks about still wanting breast implants (something she was previously against), smokes and drinks a lot now (she rarely did this before) and says she has realized that she is just a "wild child" at heart. I always knew she was kind of rebellious - but not to this extent. Finally, she has told me that she is "talking to" many guys who want to date her including a married man. But she says she is just not interested in them.

So, what do you do - when you LOVE someone but also HATE them. When you're with them you're happier than ever. They're the most beautiful person you've dated, you have everything in common with them and love their family. And now, she's telling me she wants to marry me, again.

On the other hand. I hate how she treated me. I hate how she hides things and bends the truth. For example, I wouldn't put it past her if she was sleeping with me and someone else right now - which she would justify by saying "I'm not in a serious relationship with you?" - she did the same thing when we first started dating. But swears she never was with anyone else after we agreed to be in a serious relationship. I hate how promiscious she was in the past. I also don't know if I can ever get over the fact that she abandoned me in the first place. And, I'm also not sure she just wants me now ONLY because she wasn't able to find someone better right away or because I'm the one telling HER that I don't want to be with her (I know that's the type of person she is). In the back of my mind, I truly believe that if I did marry her, one day she may just leave again. Or, am I just being too immature and all of the things I hate could be much worse?

So what do you do?

[vanheart]

More getting sucked back in. Bad move.

Lots of "I hate" in that post.

What you should do is move on. NC totally.

She will always do & act like this, then reject you.

Stop.

[bella99]

I agree - you are wasting your time. How can you be with someone you can't trust whose morals are also questionable?

How long are you willing to waste time on her. She makes u feel good in the moment, but how much can you trust her in the long run?

[vanheart]

Start living your life without this drama.

Don't worry whether you will find someone or not. The last one didn't do it.

Give yourself some time to get yourself in check. (which you really haven't done yet) Do some soul searching & things that feel good. It'll pay off.

Then have some fun without worrying. She's gone.

Here's one more thing: Never, ever let someone suck you back in after dumping you.

Get in control of this & yourself.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you should tel her how you feel and let the chips fall where they may.
She is a different person, one you don't seem to care for. You missed her, you missed the idea of her, but I don't think you would be happy with her again.

[vanheart]

Don't tell her anything.

Just go NC. She knows what you want. That's why she has such a hold over you. She doesn't want what you want.

Or will.

[talaniman]

More of the same patterns of actions and thoughts. You stay stuck on this female, or break the patterns, and get on with your life.

Do you like going in circles or what.

My advice is marry her so you can enjoy this drama forever. I assume you enjoy it, since you always come back for more.

[Homegirl 50]

I think her coming back to you makes you feel good "yeah, she finally realized how super I am" Your pride and ego are playing tricks on you. Now get over it and use your head.
Do you really love her?
Do you love her enough to take her back and not be wondering about what she was doing while she was away?
Do you love her enough not to throw this in her face when you have an argument?

I don't think so. But these are questions you need to ask yourself. I will say this, don't play with her. Be better than that. If you don't trust her and love her enough to take her back, be a man and walk away.

[BillRoland]

Thank you for your advice. Some of it I agree with. Some, not necessarily. For example, "she doesn't want what you want" or "she's gone". Her actions over the past weeks; explaining why she wanted out of the relationship and needed it to realize things, telling me she knows I'm the one she wants to be with, making plans to do things with me, constantly calling me and txting me she "loves me" and "misses me"... say differently. She doesn't have to do any of that. Especially when I am not returning the exact sentiments.

What is so difficult for me to figure out is whether I am over reacting to all of the things I don't like about her. I do tend to over react a lot. For example, everyone has issues with their spouse; most want their significant other to have had less sexual partners; and even happily married couples fight and go through rough times and even sometimes seperations. I'm no saint myself.

When do you have to accept the fact that humans are not perfect and we all do things that others may not like and we all make mistakes?

A lot of you think the best alternative is to never speak to her again. So what you are saying is, once someone breaks up with you or makes some mistakes - they never deserve a chance again? That seems a little harsh and may be driven by such a strong theme for NC here.

On the other hand, I agree that over the past few months she has engaged in this pattern of hot and cold. Wanting me back. Then not wanting me back. Which is somewhat questionable.

So, why wouldn't the sensible course of action be - give her a chance and see if she really means what she says. Enjoy her company but don't commit to anything and continue to live my life for myself. If I meet someone else while I'm doing it that I like better; great. If she proves she is honest about what she wants and we work things out - then that could be great as well.

[lms06]

Wow, I just read through these 18 pages and it seems like you have been through a LOT!

There were times in your messages that I thought to myself you should just leave her and forget about her and find someone better! But through your messages you proved that you do love this girl, either that, or you haven't found someone else to fall in love with yet.

I think you should follow YOUR heart, listen to your OWN advice, everyone here is giving you great advice, but only YOU know her and know how you truly feel! Do what you think will make you happy, do what will leave you with no regrets, have fun, enjoy life, stop being miserable! Life's to short, ENJOY it! Best of luck, I hope in the end you look back at all of this as a great learning experience and benefit in it in some way.

[talaniman]

I don't think I have told you anything but have clarity of thought, and make decisions based on facts, and not just feelings.

Do you have clarity of thought? Or the false hope that this time she means it? Sorry guy, when the words match the actions then I will believe them. Or should I go back and count the times you have said they didn't?

You tell me.

[vanheart]

Hey Bill,

The only reason Im preaching NC is because it works.
Its what you need, but scared to do, as your OP title states.

Its about you, not her. Don't worry if that hurts her feelings or you will never get her back. That's not what NC is for.

She wants you, doesn't want you, wants you, etc...
Screw that. Is that the kind of person you want?

Not me.

[BillRoland]

To give y'all an update, it has been over 2 months since my last post. As those of you which have read my story know, I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years, when she gave me the "I need a break speech". We did have our issues, but nothing huge. I loved her and planned on marrying her (great family, common interests, beautiful) just couldn't pull the trigger because there was something about her I couldn't trust and I didn't know if I could deal with her *****y disposition all the time. This likey led to us "breaking up".

My posts detailed the 2 months of hell I went through when she told me "she wanted a break", where she would alternate between telling me she "missed me" and "loved me and wanted me back" and then telling me "she didn't want to be in a relationship with me" and insulting and attacking me calling me "pathetic" when I stopped responding and tried to go NC.

Despite all that happened, I still loved her and believed that I would never be able to find anyone better for me. As I wrote in June, we ended up spending the night together after a party and she professed for weeks after that she now knew "I was the person she wanted to be with" and that "she needed the break to realize that".

After what I went through, I took the first couple of weeks slow, not wanting to jump back in. Things were great. She was excited to see me, constantly called me, etc. After a month and some persuading on her part we agreed to exclusively date each other again and give it a second chance.

A few weeks ago, I started to think that things have changed. Or maybe I am just overly sensative? Now that we are back together for almost a month, she has stopped the constantly wanting to talk to me see me. Her demanor has become displeasant to me at times again, but she always blames it on something else (school, work, etc.). But it will alternate between being affectionate and not. The weird thing is, I almost feel sometimes like I am forcing myself on her and that it is inconvenient for her to see me. Again, this could just me being paranoid and insecure.

I also found out that while we were on a break, she became "involved" with a married man she still works with. She had added his name in her phone as "My Future Ex-Husband" and I caught her texting him late at night. I brought up my issue with this and she swears that nothing phyiscal happened, but has acknowledged that she calls and texts him and that his wife disapproves.

Finally, she told me a few weeks ago that she has made plans to go to Las Vegas the first week in October for a "girls weekend" with four of her single friends. And has made numerous comments about getting the men in the clubs there to pay for her drinks and buy her and her friends alcohol. She showed me the plane ticket and she did book it before we officially got back together, but what kind of girl who is in a committed relationship will go to Vegas with four single girls and go out to clubs and NOT cheat?

It comes down to this. I don't trust her. But what I can't figure out is, do I don't trust her because I am overly sensative and paranoid or because there really is a reason not to trust her? I've never caught her in a direct lie or cheating, but something just doesn't feel right and she has had a long history of being conniving. For example, last week we got in a fight over something inconsequential and her response when I asked her what she wanted to do to resolve the issue was; "if you want to take another break that's fine with me". It took me calling back to apologize to work things out for something she started.

Second, all she constantly talks about now is money and makes periodic references to meeting a "rich man" and how she deserves to date someone who makes close to a million dollars a year or a professional athelete. I truly believe that if someone rich came along she would leave me for him. Almost like she is just settling for me now, until she can find someone better and she has no problem doing it on the side while dating me.

Despite all this, I still continue to love her. Likely because I have been out and been single and I can't even come close to meeting anyone as attractive and with the same common interests as I have. At my age, 34, with all my friends married and with kids except for me it seems hopeless for me. I can't imagine putting in the time to find someone else that would want to marry me (I'm not rich but do make a decent living as a small business owner).

The worst part is, the thought of her leaving me again makes me unable to function (almost like she's the only thing that is good in my life even though she's really not). When I was without her my life was miserable and I could barely make it through the day.

Now, it is almost as if having her now (even though I know she makes me miserable sometimes and think she doesn't really want to be with me) is better than not having her at all. I just can't seem to figure out if I am overreacting and being oversenative or if there is really something seriously wrong?

[bella99]

I wouldn't worry about her cheating until she actually does. If you love her the way you say you do - you should love her no matter what her faults are. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone if you don't trust them - and that won't change over time. I say just let her go to Vegas and don't make a big thing about it - if she cheats then it should be over - if she doesn't then great. Believe me a lot of people go to vegas and don't cheat on their significant others. If you are significant enough it shouldn't matter.

If you just think she is going to cheat on you all the time - make up your mind - you are either going to be with her and put up with it and stop complainging about it - or you leave her and leave all of her crap behind.

Your choice. You can deal with her the way she is or leave her.

Oh and 34 really isn't that old - once you realize that maybe you will have an easier time finding other people to date.

[Homegirl 50]

This is why you don't go back after a break up without dealing with the issues that caused the break up.
I also think you were told by some that if you did get back together, it wouldn't be the same, you would not trust her.
What you should do is tell her you are just not feeling her like you did before, you have some misgivings and you think you two should call it quits.
This is headed for a break up anyway. Why would you want to stay with her knowing she is texting somebody's husband?
End this before you get hurt again.

[kaka67]

Bill you sound like me 3 months ago.

I gave 150% to my ex and was getting probably 60% back. At the beginning they are all over you like a rash then a month later... you get left emotionally again. Every single time there were promises of changes but it never happened. We never did solve the problems that caused the breakups in the first place. Big Mistake!!

So I was miserable in the relationship and I was miserable out of the relationship. What do you do??

I left. And yes I'm miserable, lonely and miss my ex terribly every day. But id rather be all that then be played like a fool and given false hope of a life together.

Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.

[wonderlife]

I really agree with kaka67. I used to successfully get the ex back once. The first month, only the first month, everything seems to be really great with such a bright future and promises. After that it went down and down with many things that put me in doubt and the same old feelings that I was left alone without his understanding and caring. Whenever I tried to have commnucation, it turned out to be avoidance and almost silence from his part. It's really hurt and painful. In addition, deep down in the heart, I found out that I didn't trust him and I can't forget all the past when he lied and cheated on me. My instinct and his behaviors showed quite clear that he didn't want to make it work but just be with me because he can use me for some benefits. Then the time comes when he got what he wanted, he dumped me without even look back.

Who's to blame but myself. I shouldn't even get him back in the first place. When the pain was just too much and the trust was broken long time ago, the feelings just can't be the same again. I learned all this in a hard way. This time I make a huge difference as I rarely look back and never think about getting this seflish bad guy back into my life again.

When you do NC, this is for the purpose of getting over her and move on happily with your life, not for any other false hope reasons. Therefore, think through, make a decision, and go for it. If your decision is to continue having her in your life, then do it and accept whatever consequences that might come like what happened to me. But if you think it'd better to move on, then stand up for yourself, stay strong and keep doing NC strictly. It's hard, I know, but one day you'll be fine and happy again if you can do it.

[vanheart]

I would cut your losses now.

Just know that this isn't going to change (you have LOTS of proof) & that there is a woman out there that can actually love you for you.

Not treat you as an option. Then come back and talk about her other "idea men" She's got some balls.

You are letting this all happen by keeping her in your life.

My guess is when she is no longer in your life, you will feel a giant weight lifted.

Nothing but disrespect from her. Not love.