[Homegirl 50]

Your husband sounds controlling, selfish and abusive and I have a feeling that one day you are going to wake up and ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life this way and the answer is gong to be No!
He sounds like a grade A selfish prick to me. It's OK for him to have his big stash to do with as he pleases and as I stated in a previous post, he only gives you what he wants to give you, what he feels you deserve.

I suggest you put away what you can because that is the only way you can have the things you need and want as long as you're with him.
I wish you well.

[hurtmum]

Thank you homegirl50

[talaniman]

We had a friend in your situation sometime ago, with a husband who hoarded his money, and was a real cheapskate. They divorced, and she got half of his savings, the house and the car. So encourage him to keep saving, you will get it one way or another. Voluntarily, or a guy in a robe, will force him, so don't let this get you down too much.

[Homegirl 50]

You have put up with him have raised his children and you deserve to be treated with more respect. He can be cheap but he can also respect you.
Have you ever suggested marriage counseling?
If you have, my guess is he has said no.

[hurtmum]

Yes homegirl50 we have been to marriage counselling on 2 different occasions but he committed to only 2 sessions and said that we didn't need anybody else to help us figure out our problems we could do it ourselves. I think he got very uncomfortable when the consellor started hitting a nerve and refused to go back.The emotional and verbal abuse is not quite as bad as previous years but the financial control is still very much there.

[Jake2008]

Despite everything, you managed. Your children are proof that you did your job, and did it very well. Running daycare IS work. Not great pay, but, it serves a social purpose, and you benefited as well. Perhaps your greatest achievement will be in how you raised your children, and that is nothing to sneeze at.

I don't know what I would have done had my husband said 'no' to furniture in an empty room, but yes to a $20,000 boat. Likely I would have sunk it- with him in it- attached to a few bricks. ;)

It's also, I think, quite natural, after a very long marriage, to just go with the flow to keep everybody on an even keel (pardon the pun), and to go without yourself. You did find a way to fill the void when your husband came up short in contributing.

Do you have access to the bank accounts? Is the inheritance you talk of, still available, or have you had to dip into that over the years.

I don't know what you're thinking but I suspect that with all the years you have put in, and with your children being older, are you considering separating?

Just throwing that in the ring here.

You might want to consider telling him (not asking him) that you want to go to marriage counselling, and, you want full disclosure of ALL the bank accounts, and what the balances are. If you are not joint on them, ask for that as well.

It may seem too little too late, but for yourself esteem and confidence you are not asking anything that any wife wouldn't. Put yourself on equal footing, so that you can come up with something more workable.

[talaniman]

Can you give us some more background into your husband? Most of us guys are a product of what we have been through. Maybe his father was the same way and that's all he knows. No excuse of course, but insightful.

[Homegirl 50]

He is not going to change the only thing that can change is you and only you know when and how that change will take place.
Hold on to your job, that will be your sanity and your security.
I wish you well.

[hurtmum]

Jake 2008 thanks for your thoughtful reply. We actually did separate a few years back.I left as things were unbearable at the time. I gave my sons the option of coming with me ( my youngest two were the only ones living at home at the time ) they were 14 and 16 at the time I ssaid to them that I understood that their friends were in the area and their personal stuff was at the house and that I didn't want to uproot them from their usual routine unnecessarily. I also made it clear to them that I was in no way abandoning them and I would respect their decision if they opted to stay. I explained to them that I needed some time away to sort out the way I felt about things that had happened between my husband and I ( without going into too much detail ).They opted to stay in the house with their dad and we kept in touch everyday. After 2 days they called me and said please come and get us we can't handle thois dad is trying to be a dad to us after all these years and we can't handle it .That ship has sailed ( my youngest sons words not mine ). I said I would come and get them if that';s what they truly wanted, but to give their dad a chance as maybe he was trying to make up for all the yeatrs he was emotionally absent from their lives. They still insisted they wanted out so we were all seperatted from my husband for 6 weeks. He was a model husband doing and saying everything right and begging me to come back on the promise that everything was going to be different. At the time I wasn't aware of the circle of abuse but have since learned a lot more about it. Needless to say I went back with great expectations. Things were great for a while after a couple of counselling sessions, but gradually things returned to the way they were. My inheritance is mostly gone because I dipped into it for anything that the kids and I needed to avoid confrontation abouy going into the joint account for money, so for 4 years I barely touched the joint account and my husbsand obviously managed to save quita a substantial amount of money. I do not disagree with each spouse having a separate acct for a little fun money and a joint account for all household expenses. Not on the sly though. If my husband had come to me and said that he had earned some overtime money and that he was putting it away for a rainy day for future unexpected expenses. It all becomes too suspicious when it' so secretive. He has an obsession with stashing every single penny away for his retirement. Was I consulted on what those plans entailed nooo it didn't seem to matter what I wanted for retirement as long as he was working towaeds completing his plans.Talaniman.. to answer your question my husband was raised by a mother who was very controlling and a father who was not a good role model as he spent no time with his children and his mother made all the major decisions. My husband has a hughe habg up about women telling what to do. I cannot ask him to do anything wiothout him turning around and commenting that no woman is ever going to trll him anything. SAn example.. the other day I was a bit concerened about one of my sons who had a rough first year at college, my son had confided with me a bit but I thought he might be a bit mo open with another male rather than me his mother. I explained the situation to my husband and asked very nicely if he could possibly try to talk to my son to see if there was something he wanted to talk about. His answer was what makes you think he's going to open up to me. I said he may not but it's worth a try. His response was why should I talk to him just because you want me too, if you want to see if he's OK you talk to him. I've always had this response when it comes to dealing with the kids unless it has to do with money. I asked him if you won\t do it for him would he please try for me. Still no. Fast forward a few days I casually mentioned that I had talked to my son about some food he had unnessecarily wasted and thrown in the garbage. Because it involved wasting food which in his eyes was wasting money he wasted no time in talking to him and disciplining him about wasting money. Pretty sad that a father would not want to be involved in seeing if something was bothering his son but was on him right away when he thought he was wasting food ( just a banana ) I should nt have even said anything in passing

[Jake2008]

Sometimes, coming from a history of control, that pattern repeats itself. Sometimes, knowing where you came from you learn and change as to not repeat it.

That being said, I don't think there is any excuse to justify his behaviour toward you. During the busy years, it's easy to get lost in time with all the responsibilities, and taking care of the needs of your children. That alone is a very big investment of time, and a good chunk of your life.

But, I wonder if you aren't seeing him in sharper focus now. Do you think about moving on? Having your own place, under your own steam, and the independence that comes along with that.

Or, is there still love there. Enough to head into the retirement years, and enjoy them, and find happiness? Is he capable of changing now? Is it worth the effort?

Maybe that chapter is yet to be written.

[hurtmum]

I am hurt about the financial deception but more so about the lack of trust and the need to keep secrets and the controlling behaviour

[Jake2008]

It is understandable that you would be concerned about all that you have described. But, despite everything, I don't hear you bashing him, or putting him down. The facts are pretty obvious when you lay them down the way you do.

I'm sort of leading into uncomfortable territory here when I ask you, the way things are, and have been for so long, what do you think needs to be done to change this situation- for you. What do you want out of the relationship now at this stage of your life.

Is he capable of change? Would he attend counselling and give that another shot? Is there any love left between the two of you?

[Homegirl 50]

I think you can love your husband, not bash him but know that you are unhappy and don't want to spend your remaining years with him.
My situation was very similar to this.
There has been no bashing and I love him dearly, was married for 33 years but he won't change and I will not live the rest of my life this way. I left almost 2 years ago and we will be divorced soon.
We get along fine, but I know I would never go back.
Sometimes love is not enough so you have to ask yourself if you want to continue to live that way.

[hurtmum]

Yes homegirl 50 you are absolutely right you can have feelings for a person that's put you through hell but still realizee that you don't want that for your future and make the decision to move on. I haven't been bashing him as that's not my nature, which is why I've probably let him walk all over me in the past. I know I need to be a lot more assertive in many aspects of my life, but it doesn't happen over night.


I used to be able to bounce back after the hurtfull things he';s done in the past but recently I've found it harder and harder as I feel I have no respect left for him. I just feel numb, which is probably not the best way to be feeling if the relationship were to be mended and to move forward

[Homegirl 50]

I can sympathize with you.
There comes a time when enough is enough. After the kids are out or almost out you don't feel the purpose there and then you ask yourself "is this all there is?"

No one can answer that but you.

[Jake2008]

Had to spread the rep Homegirl, but I agree. Time to re-evaluate.

[hurtmum]

It is a very difficult decision to make, but necessary however. Yes staying for the children's sake will come to an end and then it will be only the two of you and you have to ask yourself cani live the rest of my life like this. You get into such a habit of keeping the peace so life is less confrontational but there comes a time when enough is enough and you have to start thinking of yourself

[mrshodges]

I do not know where you are from but most places are 50/50. I wold find the bank accout take your marriage license and withdraw half. You are in your right to. Please don't stay and risk your emotional health. I hope everything works out for you.

[JudyKayTee]

I do not know where you are from but most places are 50/50. I wold find the bank accout take your marriage license and withdraw half. You are in your right to. Please don't stay and risk your emotional health. i hope everything works out for you.

This is very incorrect legal advice - a wife is NOT entitled to half of anything which is solely in her husband's name UNLESS/UNTIL there is a Court Order to that effect.

If you have law to the contrary, please post it.

In NY this would be fraud and is a felony. I am not aware that the law is different in any other State.

[hurtmum]

I am in ontario canada.Not sure if the laws are the same in canada