[hurtmum]

10 years ago I found an account that my husband had opened without me knowing. When I questioned him about it he said that it was none of my business and that when he worked overtime he put the extra money in there. He said he wouldn't do it again without lettinh me know first. Here we are 10 years later and I have found another one, again opened behind my back. Haven't comfronted him yet. He controls our finances and is the last word on any money spent. This is getting to me now. Thanks

[LearningAsIGo]

From the previous experience, do you know why he feels the need to keep this from you?

If he's truly only saving it for a rainy day then why not tell his wife?

I don't blame you for being upset... he shouldn't be hiding something like that from his wife.

[Homegirl 50]

You two need to have a talk. He said he wouldn't do it again so now you have a betrayal of trust

[hurtmum]

Thank you for your suggestions. I believe he doesn't trust me with money, why I don't know. I have never been able to suggest a big ticket item without getting no constantly. He is very money conscious, to the extreme. When it was time for a new vehicle he said he would buy me a car as it was cheaper on gas. I wanted a van as I had to drive my kids everywhere for hockey and I felt safer. He told me if I wanted a van I had to pay for it from my inheritance money. Doesn't make sense to me. I feel I'm not worthy of thye family finances as much as he is.

[Homegirl 50]

You still need to talk to him.
I suppose he can save money without your knowing it, but to tell you he will not do it again and then does do it again it just sneaky. His attitude in my opinion is disrespectful to you.
I would suggest you put a little aside yourself.
Any woman who is not working outside the home should stick a little away for herself. My grandmother use to call it "just in case money"
I always had funds in a box that was my private stash. Something I could spend at my discretion.

[hurtmum]

I actually do work outside the home but all my money goes to groceries ( 4 teenage/ early twenties sons) gasmoney my personal stuff( haircuts etc ) and vet bills and pet food. I don't have the capacity to earn as much as my husband as I stayed home to raise my boys. A few years ago I wanted to go back to school to retrain for a new job but my husband said that I was being selfish and only thinking of myself, what about him and the kids.

[JudyKayTee]

The "your inheritance money" caused me to stop and think - do you have money (inherited or not) which is your stockpile and which is not in his name?

Maybe he just wants to be on equal footing.

I'd have an open conversation with him - this type of behavior (to me) indicates some other agenda. I'm an investigator and a secret bank account is very often sign #1 that there's a problem.

[Fr_Chuck]

Marriage counseling, and agree to pay all bills together,and set up agreed to budgets to live with

[talaniman]

You need to talk and get things into the open, and don't be surprised at what you hear.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...en-478729.html

When I looked at this thread I realized you haven't been working that long, so you really have not gotten into a groove yet, nor established a set financial pattern, but a guy your husbands age has no reason to be so secretive as long as your not doing the same. I refer to your inheritance specifically as you don't seem to mind him not having access to that money, but continue to spend his. Hmmm! I think you talk about it, or let me know if I am wrong, as he seems to be doing what you are doing, guarding his money. Money he worked for with OVERTIME.

A guy his age is winding down, and wants a secure future for retirement, and he deserves that, after working, and raising a family, and its more important now than before that you get on the same page, so you can continue working together.

This is not the time to be broke, as you have teens, who may go to college, and one that has flitted away a lot of money, AND BACK AT HOME.

I wanted a van as I had to drive my kids everywhere for hockey and I felt safer. He told me if i wanted a van i had to pay for it from my inheritance money. Doesn't make sense to me.

Makes perfect sense to me.

I feel I'm not worthy of the family finances as much as he is.

He must be doing something right, and sounds responsible (4 kids and a wife and they can go to college?? ), and maybe what's needed is since you work, and have your own money(and an inheritance) maybe you just need time to prove you are as frugal with the household finances as he is.

I think you should be patient, very patient, and talk to the guy who has worked hard to get you this far and give you a great life. As you have given him a great home to have a life with.

[hurtmum]

I can see why I sound like a spoiled rotten wife who stashes away my money but spends my husbands. I guess I didn't fully explain the situation as that couldn't be further from the truth but thanks for your insight anyway.

[Homegirl 50]

i actually do work outside the home but all my money goes to groceries ( 4 teenage/ early twenties sons) gas money my personal stuff( haircuts etc ) and vet bills and pet food. I don't have the capacity to earn as much as my husband as i stayed home to raise my boys. A few years ago i wanted to go back to school to retrain for a new job but my husband said that i was being selfish and only thinking of myself, what about him and the kids.

If your husband needed your income, I'm sure he would have been thrilled to have you re train for a better paying job.

He sounds like the kind of man who as the principle breadwinner thinks he is entitled to all of the say, have all the power and allowing you to earn more money takes away his say and power.

Do you have a large sum in inheritance money? If so, may be that is why he has such a "this is my money" attitude, in which case he should talk to you about what he is feeling instead of being so secretive. Have that talk with him. You are not a second class citizen because you raised his sons.

I'm still not understanding why he has a secret stash of money, why he didn't tell you about the first one and then lied about the second. This separate money thing sounds a bit suspect to me.

i can see why i sound like a spoiled rotten wife who stashes away my money but spends my husbands. I guess i didn't fully explain the situation as that couldn't be further from the truth but thanks for your insight anyway.

I don't think you sound that way.
You work. You pay for food, you pay vet bills you take care of your personal needs. It sounds like you are being frugal.

[talaniman]

Don't get defensive, just enlighten me to the facts of the matter. Help me understand why this is all him, and Not you too.

I have been through a similar disconnect, and I know its never all one partner, and not the other, and the solution is not one changing to please the other. Its always BOTH partners working together to resolve the issues. I know your not spoiled, those are your attitudes NOT mine, as I have always known the value that my wife brings to the table, if not in money, but time, and effort it takes to raise kids, and make house a home. It is invaluable, and more work, and sacrifice than going to work.

Yes our finances are unequal also, and we discuss for days, weeks, and months, on the big ticket items, just as you do, she has an allowance, and so do I, but I don't hide money, neither does she, but we work within our own skills, and lifestyle, and I can't imagine she would not sit me down and get facts, and give input.

Here we are 10 years later and i have found another one, again opened behind my back. Haven't confronted him yet.

When you first found he was hiding money, have you asked if he was doing it again, and why?? That where you start, and NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS is not an answer. So don't take it!! Get the facts here, then decide what needs to be done, as your right, there is something missing that you haven't told us.

Don't mean to sound harsh, and I am not taking sides, but to be honest, I feel this is less about finances, and more about how you two have come to relate to one another, and the finances are just the tip of the iceberg.

If you think its hard now, wait until you both go through the "change" at mid life, and become empty nesters! That's when the real fun begins.

[Alty]

I agree with Tal.

You said that we don't fully understand, because we don't know everything. Well tell us. We can only base our opinions, our advice, on the info you give us.

To me it sounds like you have a job that pays for groceries, your beauty expenses and pet expenses. You also have an inheritance, apparently enough that your husband felt comfortable telling you to use it if you wanted a particular vehicle that he didn't agree with.

Do you share your inheritance with him? What does he pay for?

Personally I never understood the marriages that have his and her money. We pool our resources, it's all family money. When my husband and I got married I was the bread winner, I made almost double what he made, worked longer hours. We had and still have one bank account. Whatever money is made goes into that account. Whatever expenses need to be paid come out of that account. If I need a new car, then we discuss it. If he needs a new car, we discuss it.

When I got pregnant, we decided that I'd stay home. He got a better job, and now I'm still a stay at home mom, housekeeper, cook, nurse, vet, lawn maintenance, laundry girl, psychologist, snow shoveler, school bus, you name it, I do it. I don't bring in any money right now, but the money we have has never been his, or mine. It's ours.

I received a very substantial inheritance in 2001. It didn't go into my account. There was no "If you want a van then use your inheritance money" because it was never mine. I'm married, what I have is his, what he has is mine.

He's hiding money on you, got his own account, you have your own stash your own account, you split your bills. It's not surprising that he's doing what you do, and that's not sharing money. You seem so mad that he has his own secret account, but you have your own account too, your inheritance, it's just not a secret.

That's how I see it. If I'm wrong, then please, by all means, tell me the whole story. I just don't understand the his and mine thing when you're supposed to be a couple.

[Homegirl 50]

I don't see anything that indicates she is not sharing her inheritance money or that her money is even a large sum.

What I see is a husband who is hiding money and has done it twice.
A husband who feels his wife is only entitled to what he wants to give her.

[jmjoseph]

Maybe he feels the need to keep a hidden nest egg for a rainy day. I would be more worried about him not giving you an equal say on the day to day business. Your vote DOES matter, and you are right about wanting to ride in a safe vehicle that carries your children. He's more worried about the gas mileage, that's not normal.

He has been dishonest TWICE, yes. But why does he feel the need to be secretive about "his" extra money? What's up with the inheritance? Do you keep that money separate?

Did you just come across it(the bank book)? Or were you having to investigate the matter?

I work with a guy just like this. He is constantly lying to his wife about money. She doesn't know about the frequent bonuses that we get.

In our house, it's all put together. One family, one pool of funds. There is no "mine".

You two should try to talk it out. Get counseling.

[Jake2008]

I don't think that finances should be held a secret, period. Both of you bring income in, and it is the total that counts, because that is what you budget everything for. You account for all your money, and where it goes, why shouldn't he.

I'm not sure what the inheritance has to do with anything. Your husband probably has pension deductions off his cheque that are put away for retirement, I imagine that your inheritance is for the same thing, but I don't know.

If you think of equality and balance, money is just a small part of it. It sounds like you do everything else, and you're expected to do so with a noose around the bank accounts. The value of raising your own children, running a house, planning every penny around the small income you bring in, is no easy task. Nor will you likely ever catch up in those lost years of earnings, because of your unpaid work.

He earns the money, for the family. It does not solely belong to him, that is his main contribution, but it is not the only contribution in keeping a family and home up and running. Everybody contributes in some way.

I agree with Judy that a secret bank account or accounts, signifies something. If he is already in charge of the money, why does he need to hide some of it. You wouldn't have access to it anyway.

This is very unbalanced to me. He keeps you in the dark, and keeps you more as hired help than a partner.

[hurtmum]

Thank you very much to everybody who have offered me their expert advice, and yes without giving you all the facts from every situation makes it a lot more difficult to offer constructive advice( 25 years of marriage is a long time ) . I believe that talaniman had mentioned that the money issues might not be the only issues, but just part of a larger problem, I tend to agree. When the children were small I felt very strongly about staying home to raise them, finances permitting. My husband wanted me to earn an income as he felt that he had to work so why shouln't I. So I decided to do homecare so I could stay home to be with the boys. I didn't make huge amounts of money but after the birth of each child I took 2 months to get back on my feet and started doing daycare again. I enjoyed beinghome with my boys and felt my children were also benefiting from socializing and learmimg to share. Most of my charges stayed with me for 5 years or longer so they became like part of the family and my kids still keep in touch with a few of them to this day, 15 years later. When I received my inheritance I wanted it to be part of the family bank acct but my husband told me to keep it separate. He knew how much it was and it was never kept from him. However for the next few years anything that the kids or I needed my husband said well you';ve got money take it out of that. So literally nothing extra other than everyday bills were coming out of the joint bank account. But it only lasts so long. Just before I had received the inheritance I had asked my husband if we could get some living room furniture for the living room as it had been empty for 5 years. He said there 's no money for that if you want living room furniture you'll have to save from your dayca money. Less than 3 weeks later my husband talked about getting a boat and said we should go boating instead of camping ( which the kids and I enjoyed immenselyu and besides if there s no money for furniture where are you going to get money for a boat. He had it in a credit union that I knew nothing about. I was quite shocked that after asking for living room furniture on many occasions and being told there was no money for that and all of a sudden $20,000 appeared to buy a boat. Of course I questioned that and was told that it was his extra money and he worked hard and was entitled to spend it on something he wanted. I would have had no problem with this if it had been discussed first and he hadn't been so secretive about the money. I asked him that if this was something he really wanted then to please not wipe the bank acct out right before the kids break for summer vacation because I would like us to be able to do some things with them in the summer. The bank acct was reduced to nothing and we weren't able to do anything all summer. If the kids got a new outfit the try it on and be all excited about how they looked and go and show their dad and he would say right in front of them to me , what you buying them new clothes for they don't need them or deserve them, they were all of 5 years old, the dejected look on their face brought tears to my eyes. They later related to me many years later that they felt lilke they didn't deserve anythinmg new and that dad loved money more than them

[talaniman]

I kind of figured it was something along those lines. Sounds typical to be honest, but you have been doing things this way for a long time, and it seems successfully, but no doubt, maybe its time for some changes, and adjustments on both your parts.

Over night changes are not realistic, but small ones can be made like full disclosure, and transparency going forward is a start.

Sorry you got one of those guys who wants a woman to work, as they have to, that's something you have to live with. A choice you made, (but I admire how you did it, and still got to stay home, so you are creative and resourceful) but now your working yourself, and there is no reason you can't put something aside for a rainy day. He has done it so it must be okay for you too.

Just don't get mad if tightwad still saves his, and insists that you pay for your own ideas, which sound good to you, but never will to him.

But you can work on him slowly, and LOL,I be darned if my wife doesn't get me to donate my allowance to her brilliant ideas from time to time, but I'm easy. I doubt he is, but over time, with you being creative, and resourceful, you never know.

[hurtmum]

Thank you for reading such a long post talaniman and suggesting some ideas for moving forward. My husband has been both emotionally and verbally abusive in the past to all of us and I thought that by staying as a family was better than exposing the kids to separate homes and an unstable life, I think however that it is not always good for children to be witness to such behaviour. I was always one to keep the peace for the kids sake but I feel that's where a lot of problems started as I was not assertive and allowed myself and my children to be pushed around

[Homegirl 50]

I don't think that finances should be held a secret, period. Both of you bring income in, and it is the total that counts, because that is what you budget everything for. You account for all your money, and where it goes, why shouldn't he.

I'm not sure what the inheritance has to do with anything. Your husband probably has pension deductions off his cheque that are put away for retirement, I imagine that your inheritance is for the same thing, but I don't know.

If you think of equality and balance, money is just a small part of it. It sounds like you do everything else, and you're expected to do so with a noose around the bank accounts. The value of raising your own children, running a house, planning every penny around the small income you bring in, is no easy task. Nor will you likely ever catch up in those lost years of earnings, because of your unpaid work.

He earns the money, for the family. It does not soley belong to him, that is his main contribution, but it is not the only contribution in keeping a family and home up and running. Everybody contributes in some way.

I agree with Judy that a secret bank account or accounts, signifies something. If he is already in charge of the money, why does he need to hide some of it. You wouldn't have access to it anyway.

This is very unbalanced to me. He keeps you in the dark, and keeps you more as hired help than a partner.

I have to speard some rep, but I agree with you Jake2008