[Smilie0198]

So I have a dilemma. My best friend (since 5th grade, and now we are all in our mid 20s), is getting married and has completely shifted personalities. Perhaps I should give a little background. I am recently married (February) and eloped to the Bahamas with my now husband to avoid the wedding craziness of both of our families. Since I got married, things have been distant since she still likes to go out and party etc and I have settled down with a career, buying a house, etc. She dated this guy, lets say Bob, for 7 months before going on a Caribbean cruise, the day before they left, she asked me to text him and tell him to propose to her. (Ackward, and I told her I wanted to stay out of it). While on the cruise she bought her own ring, gave it to him, and essentially propositioned him to propose on the cruise. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for her since he makes her happy, I am just concerned since he told my now husband he is only with her for money (again,I am staying out of it,because my husband was not supposed to tell me). Any how- since engaged, she has gotten increidibly rude and mean towards me. We went to look for a dress for her which she found (looks beautiful) and afterwards went to grab dinner. While at dinner we talked about dance lessons (ballroom) and mentioned her and "Bob" going to lessons potentially. I offered my husband and I to go with her to the lessons (my hubby needs them!) so we could all go as a group. We also mentioned her planned wedding song which she was not certain of. She then blantantly states to me, "The wedding is all about me. It is my day and I do not care if you and (hubby) didn't have a song, its my day" Very much insinuating like I asked a favor? I corrected her and advised I was insulted by her insinuation. I also find out she was bad mouthing my husband and I's elopement (again, we ran off Valentines day weekend to the Bahamas by ourselves and loved every moment of it). As of now I am thuroughly disgusted by my "best friend" and at this point really don't want to be in the wedding, nor her friend. She did not even have the audacity to apologize (just said "whatever") which would have made things at least somewhat better.

My question is, the wedding is quite some time away, would it be a major no-no if I opted out of the wedding party?

[merlsgirl]

Don't bother, everyone knows a wedding is about the bride and if she feels she must tell you its her day then I would guess she thinks your regreting going away to get married and is trying to rub it in, as for the developing bipoler that she seems to be having, let it go over your head, and it's time to stop referring to her as a "best friend" and just have her as an aquaintence, she'll realise at some point that you were a friend she should've tried harder to look after, as for that marriage I think it's a sham and it will all end in tears,and I'd put money on who she'll come to for support, that'll be the next question do you stand by her when she hits rock bottom??

[dontknownuthin]

Four different issues...

I think you should have told her about the marrying her for the money remark. I agree that it's best not to interfere with other people's relationships and marriages, but if my best friend were about to marry a user and scammer, I'd certainly tell her - I'd know she may well not want to hear it, etc. but I'd tell her for her benefit.

How they got engaged really doesn't matter - you refused to get involved which was fine. She basically proposed to him and I guess he agreed, so that's really not a problem. I personally would not want to marry a man who didn't come to me, on his own initiative, to ask me, but some guys need a push and some girls are willing to push.

As for the music comment and her unkind remarks about you eloping, I think you need to let the remarks go - it's just hurt feelings. She's your best friend and didn't get to be in your wedding, or even to be there, or to share the planning with you - now she's planning her wedding and has probably heard from you whatever your reasons for not wanting a wedding yourself, whether it was that it's a waste of money, hassle, don't want to deal with bridesmaids, it's a big show or whatever - she may feel she can't fully enjoy planning her wedding because her best friend is anti-wedding. So I think you need to sit down with her sometime and say nicely, "you know, we never really talked about our decision to elope and if I hurt your feelings by not having you there, I am very sorry." Anhd she needs to hear that you do want to be there for her. Backing out of her wedding would be the absolute worst thing to do.

I'm not sure what you should do about that marrying for money comment at this point but maybe sometime you could just ask her how she knew this was the right guy and just let her talk about him. YOu could get a better sense of how he treats her and if appropriate you could tell her about the comment in a sensitive way. Your husband could also go back to the guy and say, "so you guys are getting married...I have to say, after you told me you were only with her for the money I was shocked you agreed to marry her. Is that still the reason?" Then at least before you tell her you would know he really feels that way.

If a guy was using my best friend, I would put my friend before our friendship and take my chances to tell her the truth.

Take care!

[Smilie0198]

Thank you for your response. My friend did assist me with the planning of my elopement in the Bahamas, though did not attend (we invited her and her then boyfriend), but she did not attend due to family issues (no offense taken to it at all). I have absolutely nothing against weddings (my friends nicknamed me as "27 dresses" since over the past year I have been in 8 weddings), I feel honored to be asked to be in them. In fairness to her new fiancée, he does treat her very well and she is happy with him.

Her comments about my husband's and I elopement (which were never stated to me, but to another person who is in the wedding party who told me since she is friends with both of us). The "best friend" is now telling all three girls in the wedding party she wants each one to be the maid/matron of honor and not to tell the others. Unfortunately, all three bridesmaids met (we all are friends), and discussed the changing stories, where it seems like the bride to be is trying to set all of us against eachother- which doesn't really make sense since we all are friends and just want everything to go smoothly. It just seems like there is getting waaay too much drama. Perhaps I am selfish with getting frustrated and insulted for the bride to be's nasty remarks towards myself, and while I am honored to be part of the wedding, I can only take so much verbal abuse or stress, if that makes sense. Weddings don't have to be catty. (All of the other 8 weddings, were great!) With reference to the money comment, I am taking your advice and having my husband discuss it with him.