[MJME]

My husband and I have a beautiful 3 year old granddaughter who lives in another state a three days drive from us. We see our son once a year. When we visit the daughter-in-law does not speak to us and ignores us during our visits. Daughter-in-law keeps our three year old granddaughter totally occupied so we have very little time together with her. This is very hurtful to us but we accept this rude situation because this is the only way we get to see our granddaughter and be with her.

We live near my husbands parents, the great grandparents. The daughter-in-law sends cards, letters and photos of our granddaughter to the great grandparents and never to us. It hurts very deeply whenever great grandma shows us the photos and letters. We try to let it not bother us but sometimes it is exceptionally hard to bare the pain in our hearts. It is very hard to accept this bad behavior especially around birthdays and holidays.

We continue to be good people and remember my son's birthday, my daughter-in-law's birthday and our granddaughter's and Christmas of course but we never get any thank you's or acknowledgments of anything we do for them. That hurts!

What are to do? Please give us advice on how to handle the hurt in our hearts. Sometimes it is too hard to bare. Thank you.

[talaniman]

What is the relationship like with your son?

[wolfgangqpublic]

There is much more to this story than you are telling us.

[MJME]

Our relationship with our son is strained. There is little communication with him. We send emails and call but he very seldom initiates calling us. When we do call, DIL never says hello and we never get to talk to our granddaughter.

[J_9]

Why is the relationship strained? What happened between you all? There is still much more missing from this story to give accurate advice.

[MJME]

Our son has rebelled against basic conservative values. It is easier for him to stay separated from us rather than address our different perspectives. I just wish he could respect our values even though he does not believe in them. He's happiest when he's not challenged. It is not just his parents that he rebels against. It includes many persons in positions of authority. DIL is the greatest influence in his life. He told us he chooses DIL over us and that is the primary reason for the difficulties we are having.

[Wondergirl]

Our son has rebelled against basic conservative values.

I have lots of questions. Here's the first: What are those basic conservative values he rebels against? (Part A: Did he rebel when he lived at home? Part B: What are his values?)

[talaniman]

It is easier for him to stay separated from us rather than address our different perspectives

How would he do that??

[GeekerGirl86]

Despite ANY issues in your relationship with your son and his wife... It is COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL to ignore your presence in her home... That is ignoring the most important rule taught to us as children.. "Respect your elders".. Your DIL should not be keeping her child from having a relationship with her grandparents. That is ridiculous.. I do not always have the best relationship with my MIL but I WOULD NEVER disrespect her..
Now, if there are issues they have with you, they should be adults and address them with you. My husband and I are of different faiths.. Both Christians, but different branches of Christian faith.. Our children are brought up to respect both religions. Not my MIL sometimes has a hard time with it and tries to push her religion as the "correct" religion. I ended that by pulling her aside and mentioning if she could not respect the parenting values my husband and I are setting then she wouldn't be allowed any private time with her grandchildren.. She'd still see them and they'd respect her but no private alone time..
This talk help EMMENSLY... It is completely in your place to call them out for the disrespect and attempt to build a better relationship with your son and his family..
Also ask what the chances are that if your DIL cannot tolerate you maybe your GC will be allowed to come for short visit..

[MJME]

My DIL continues to keep my husband and I out of she and my son's life. We live in Colorado and my son and DIL live in Oregon. DIL's parents live twenty minutes from them. They have a 4 year old girl and a 3 month boy. My husband and I always acknowledge them with gifts and telephone calls on birthdays and holidays. They communicate with my husband's mother by sending her photos of the kids on their birthdays and other special events. We get nothing and it really deeply hurts us as parents and grandparents. DIL has blocked me from her Facebook site. Last year before they knew my husband and I were members of Facebook there were lots of photos of the granddaughter celebrating her third birthday on my DIL's site. I was overjoyed to see photos but too tired that night to save the photos to my computer. I made the mistake of commenting on one of the photos of my granddaughter. The next day DIL had removed all photos and blocked me from her site. These are such hurtful things. I find it so hard to take. My son isn't much better. He doesn't take charge and override DIL. She controls everything and consequently my husband and I are the ones getting hurt all the time. The thought has crossed our minds to stop communicating all together with them so we can go on with our lives and not suffer the hurts all the time. These hurts are stressful on us and every time something happens that triggers a hurt from them our energies get sapped and we feel depressed. Inorder to keep our spirits up we have to think about other things and keep ourselves occupied. Please help.

[cdad]

Is there any reason that your aware of why she would want to treat you like this? Have you spoken to your son and asked him what's going on?

[Devorameira]

DIL's are always going to be closer to her parents than the in-laws, but her behavior is unforgivable.

You've got to sit them down and talk to them to find out why they are treating you so poorly. Be blunt and lay it all on the line.

What do you really have to lose by confronting them?

[DoulaLC]

I agree... come right out and let them know that you are hurt by these actions. If speaking to them both is too uncomfortable, at least be sure your son is aware of how hurt you and his father have been.
Maybe a phone call, with all parties on the phone to discuss it, is in order.

[QLP]

At the least you have a right to ask why she is acting this way. If there is some 'issue' that you aren't aware of maybe it can be resolved, but if you don't know why you are stuck with no solutions. Be brave and ask what the problem is, do try and be tactful, but make it clear you really need to know.

[dontknownuthin]

I wouldn't get too wound up about being excluded from her Facebook site - not everyone is comfortable having their parents and in-laws sitting in on their conversations with their close friends - a matter of boundaries.

It it reasonable though to want to see them sometimes and to get some pictures of the children. If you can see them, you can take your own pictures. This is your son and his wife - just tell your son how you feel (without bashing his wife) - that you miss him and his family, really want to enjoy the kids as they grow up, and would like to get pictures from time to time. If they don't want you on their Facebook site, they can certainly email you photos.

[Jake2008]

This has been an ongoing problem for some time now.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...ml#post1397174

It seems not much has changed, and many questions were left unanswered. One of them was that your conservative views are not shared by your son, and I could not find through reading the past posts, just what the rift was all about.

If, when you said that your son told you that he chose his wife first, before you, and that started the whole thing, can you explain that a little better?

It is sad that in all this time, things are no better for you.

[QLP]

Thank you for that Jake I didn't check previous posts.
To the OP, it seems you have some awareness of why there is this distance between you, that it relates to some kind of disagreement you have had. Can you fill us in a bit more about what the things you are disagreeing about are and how both parties have handled them thus far so that we can try and help better?

[MJME]

My husband and I have sat down with our son and DIL and talked about this lack of communication. Two years ago we went to Oregon and visited them and DIL kept her distance and did not participate in any conversation. DIL made sure we had very little physical interaction with our granddaughter. I am not the pushy type so I let it be. We had to be satisfied with just seeing our granddaughter. DIL kept granddaughter at close range so my husband and I could not touch or talk to her. It was a gruelling situation. My son goes along with DIL. Son says he has to chose and he choses his wife. I have thought about that statement lately and even though my son has to chose between us, he could be stronger and still be civil with us. He could act independent of DIL but he does not. DIL is very controlling and he does what she wants him to do. Last November my husband and I wanted to pay for an airline ticket for our son to come and visit us. Our son was going to bring our granddaughter with him. DIL would not allow this to happen unless we bought her a airline ticket also. We complied and they all came for a visit. DIL exhibited the same behavior during their three day visit. I find it very hard to talk to my son about this ongoing attitude of DIL. I know that my son and DIL have differnet view points on almost everything my husband and I believe in but that is no excuse for not being friendly with us and keeping us out of their lives. As I said before this situation is physically hard on both of us and we toy with the idea of closing the book on them. It is so emotionally taxing on my husband and I that we wonder sometimes if it is all worthwhile to stay in contact! My husband and I used to thing that as the years went on that the grand kids would come around and they would respect and love their grandparents and not be like their family but we are slowly realizing that there is a good chance that they will grow up exactly like their parents and they will hate us too.
I was always told to surround myself with happy people who appreciate you and love you for a healthy mental long life. I feel like my son and his family's actions is shortening our life.

[QLP]

Why did your son feel he had to choose between you and his wife at all? I still don't feel like we have got to the bottom of this. I can see how this thing has gained momentum and grown a life of its own but I don't understand the underlying reason for it.

Problems are sometimes like weeds. If you don't tackle the roots they keep coming back.

Did your strong views cause you to air your opinions on their parenting techniques or lifestyle in a negative way? Did you have reservations that this was the right woman for him and air them? Did you and she simply not get on? Did you try to continue 'mothering' him after he became a married man? Is this a clash between two controlling women? What was it that made him choose?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, and I may be reading more into it than is fair, but I get the impression that all your energy is going into how you can make them change so that things will improve. Changes will have to come from both sides if you want to heal this rift.

Your statement, "My husband and I used to thing that as the years went on that the grand kids would come around and they would respect and love their grandparents and not be like their family but we are slowly realizing that there is a good chance that they will grow up exactly like their parents and they will hate us too. " could be taken in quite a hostile manner by those childrens' parents. I realise you are just saying you hope they will not be unfriendly towards you but if you read back exactly what you have put, can you see that it could so easily be misconstrued if you said something like that to your son or his wife? Is the problem maybe that what you say can sometimes be heard more negatively by the parents than you intend?

[Jake2008]

I agree that the issues between you and your son and daughter in law, are not yet on the table in order for us to give you some advice.

Two years ago, as you said, "My husband and I have sat down with our son and DIL and talked about this lack of communication", what happened during that conversation that has left you and your family in this same place.

What does your husband say about all of this.

As this seems to all revolve around your daughter in law, what can you say about her. Is she from a different country or culture?

I realize that the reasons for your dislike of her may not be something you are particularly proud of, but, there must have been something, even before they were married, that has caused you to blame her for this brick wall that has gone up.

Is there anything more that you can say?