[Dornraben]

Entire story merged

Bit of a long-winded story, I'm afrad...

I met a wonderful lady in May last year. Her 2nd husband had moved out six months earlier, and she has three kids who stay with their dad(s) every fortnight. For the first six months, everything was really good between us. She 'lit my fire' in a way that no-one else has done. Her kids are great,a and we all got on really well.

Just before Xmas, she started becoming more distant/cool, I confess that, the more distant she was becoming, the more insecure I became. Some time later, she said that she wanted us to go back to just casual dating. I replied that – although it would be fun to just meet up on a date (with no sleepover) occasionally - reverting to just dating would be a step backward for me.

We never really talked about it afterwards.

In the last month or so, she became distant/cool again. She said that was just down to stress (college and children), and she goes into “survival mode” when she has a lot on, and that she has to prioritise things.

Nevertheless, we had a lovely weekend away in York at the end of last month, and got on really well. I left her in peace to do her exams for the next couple of weeks, calling only every two or three days to say “hello” and “how are you”.

To bring this up-to-date, on Friday we had a long phone call, in which she announced that she felt stifled by me, pressured to always be with me on her 'free' weekends, pressured to be 'physical' when she was with me, that I loved her "too intensely", she didn't feel comfortable with me being so involved with her kids, etc.

She again brought up the issue of wanting to 'reel things in'. She likes my company, we get on very well, are compatible in many ways, but she still wants to go back to dating rather than continue in a full-on relationship. We agreed that things are not working out as they are, and if we aren't able to sort it out, it will inevitably end.

We got to the (inevitable) "maybe we time to think out it”. I ended by saying "well, you know where I am."

This is my question: should I leave her to make contact, or wait a few days and call her – or perhaps just drop her a friendly text? Normally I'd say leave it up to her, but she's a stubborn person, who admits that she tends to just cut loose and move on if something isn't working. Plus, she never said she wanted time/space.

It's awful to contemplate, but realistically it's unlikely to work out. Anyone having that level of doubt is unlikely to change their mind. Looking back with clarity, I reckon that she wasn't actually ready for a 'deep' relationship. She only wanted/needed something less intense, and feels that she has compromised herself in this aspect. Unfortunate for both of us that I fell for her so intensely (and expressed it too readily). And it hasn't helped that I became slightly insecure and jealous when I thought she was drawing away from me. She sees me as just another emotional drain, rather than a source of love and support. We should also have talked more openly and honestly about how things were going sooner, as it's obvious that things have been troubling her for a while.

[talaniman]

She probably appreciated the attention during her time of need but as she healed from her ex husband she has gotten stronger and is ready to deal with her reality.

For your part, take it as helping and emotionally injured person to heal, and move on, and leave her alone. Sorry guy, this rebound relationship is over for now and you should bow out of her life, GRACEFULLY, and without further drama!

[Dornraben]

Hi Talaniman. Yeah, I think you're right.

It may not be just about getting over her ex, as this year at college has also helped her gain strength and self confidence as an independent person. She's a different person now to the one I met last May.

She also said that both her husbands were dominating, patriachial men. Maybe she needed to try something different, but has since come to realise that the 'right one' is not me.

[talaniman]

Believe me I know the feeling from many past experiences of not being the one. It sucks for a while, but the next pretty thing will make you forget your disappointment. That's how it worked for me at least.

You may as well enjoy your new found freedom, and wish her the same.

[Dornraben]

Well, things just got worse. I got a Facebook message from one of her kids this evening, asking if I wanted back X, Y and Z that I'd left at their house.

Still no word from my (now ex) g/f, so although we left it "let's take time and talk about it" at the end of our last call, she's obviously made her decision and told her children... but not me.

[talaniman]

No worries, either go get what you left or let them keep it. No sweat. This is just confirming what you already knew.

[Dornraben]

It's funny how time makes things clearer.

Having had a few days to reflect, I realise that this had become a give-give relationship anyway (the only taking being as in "me, for granted"). Even her proposal for 'making it work out between us' involved putting her own Ts & Cs on the table and saying "can you accept this?". No indication that she would make concessions.

I may have brought this disrespect down on myself, but either way it's better to move on.

She called yesterday, and we chatted about normal stuff for about an hour. Nothing about "us". I'm certainly not going to bring it up.

Thanks for all the advice on here!

[mawtom]

You sound pretty level headed and I think you have a good handle on what transpired. She said to you that her "husbands" were dominating? I have my doubts. It sounds to me like she was the dominating one who may have driven both of them away. Better you keep on truckin!

[Dornraben]

Arrrghhh! Yesterday was a good day, today I feel wretched again.

I know that NC is probably the best route for me, but it feels like a bit of a coward's way of dealing with the situation, as we've left it up in the air (unfinished business).

However, although a part of me clings onto the hope that this can be turned around, I think that:
- too much damage has been done
- her mind/heart is already made up
- leopards can't change their spots

Perhaps I ought to steel myself and make a (final) phone call. After all, everything thus far has come from her: I've not said anything about what I want or have concerns about.

Plus, if the 'coup de grace' does need to be made, I'd rather be the one to adminster it. I know that probably sounds pathetic, but I'd like to regain some dignity out of this mess.

[talaniman]

There is no coup de grace!! Don't let your feelings, that will pass if you let them, lead you to impulsive actions, that serve no one, especially YOU!

Stay with NC, and cope better with the feelings, and follow your first mind,

I know that NC is probably the best route for me,

You got that right.

but it feels like a bit of a coward's way of dealing with the situation, as we've left it up in the air (unfinished business).

Then go back and beg to be taken back or cuss and jump around like an idiot. Neither will accomplish her changing her mind and you will not only look foolish, but confirm what she already knows. She doesn't want you.

The business is finished. You just don't accept you were a rebound, a quick fix for a hurt, and lonely female, who just wanted a friend. Who just needed a friend. Maybe someday you can understand that.

[mawtom]

Have you no pride or how many times does one have to tell you they don't want you before you GET IT.

[Dornraben]

Then go back and beg to be taken back or cuss and jump around like an idiot. Neither will accomplish her changing her mind and you will not only look foolish, but confirm what she already knows. She doesn't want you.

I never said that I would get emotional about it. If I do call, it would be to cooly ask, "were you serious about making a go of it, coz otherwise let's just call it quits and move on."

The business is finished. You just don't accept you were a rebound, a quick fix for a hurt, and lonely female, who just wanted a friend. Who just needed a friend. Maybe someday you can understand that.

And that's one reason I don't want to call. If we end up chatting about 'normal stuff' again, it would help her (less guilt if she thinks I'm okay with things) but not me.

Have you no pride or how many times does one have to tell you they don't want you before you GET IT.

She has actually said the opposite - and is a very direct person. However, actions do indeed speak louder than words.

[talaniman]

Stick with no contact, and stop the whole mind game debate.

[Dornraben]

Yeah, deep in my gut I know you're right.

I just don't want to go NC without knowing for sure. After all, in the No Contact rules, it does say: "No contact does not consist of trying to win your ex back. If you want to get your ex back, then try to work things out together."

The way I see it, NC is part of letting go and moving on. But I want to go NC without any doubt that it was the right - and only - way forward.

[mawtom]

KNOCK KNOCK ! Anyone home?

• She still wants to go back to dating rather than continue in a full-on relationship
• She feels stifled by you,
• She feels pressured to always be with you on her 'free' weekends,
• She feels pressured to be 'physical' when she is with you,
• She thinks you love her "too intensely",
• She doesn’t feel comfortable with you being so involved with her kids, etc.

[talaniman]

Stay with NC for 6 months, and then see where your head is at, without all the emotional BS, you can't seem to control. But you do have the option of following your heart, and try whatever you think is best. That's fine, keep us updated, and I wish you the best whatever you decide.

[Dornraben]

Thanks, I appreciate your support. Things are always clearer for those on the outside looking in. On the inside it's a total mess!

This reaction to losing her has shocked me to tell the truth. I'm no spring chicken, and this certainly wasn't my first serious relationship, but I've never been this devastated by a breakup before.

I don't expect to fully get over it, and accept that I may never find another 'one' like her, but I know that in time I'll be able to deal with it and move on. And I'm sure that the voice inside me whispering "she didn't really deserve you" will also get louder with time...

[Dornraben]

• She still wants to go back to dating rather than continue in a full-on relationship,
• She feels stifled by you,
• She feels pressured to always be with you on her 'free' weekends,
• She feels pressured to be 'physical' when she is with you,
• She thinks you love her "too intensely",
• She doesn’t feel comfortable with you being so involved with her kids, etc.

I think I ought to copy that list and carry it around in my wallet...

I missed a call from her this morning (phone was on silent). It was at 7:45, when she's usually dashing about getting the kids ready for school, so I doubt whether it was anything significant. Glad I missed it, otherwise I would have been tempted to answer it.

[TrueFaith]

Well there is not much here I can say.. that the others already have not..

I know its hard to deal with this. No contact is the way to go

This is your time to heal!
Not hers
You and her both want very different things,

You should have probable cut it off the second she said she wanted to take a step back and go to date mode again..
I mean.. come on dude :)
That's never a good sign is it?

So In Her mind it was over a long time before this happened
She has had more time to get ready.

Where as you my friend was probable thinking everything will turn out OK and will move forward.

Best of luck with No contact!
Its tough
But its so rewarding! In the long run :P

Regards

[Dornraben]

Evening all.

My g/f abruptly texted this first thing this morning to say "Hello. I think that you will have worked out that we need to talk. Apologies for causing any distress x". I called back, and sent a text along the lines of "No I hadn't worked that out, and sending that text at 9am wasn't very considerate." (as we can't exactly have a "talk" at work/University)

Although totally unexpected for me, it's obviously something she's been stewing on for a while. Things have been okay between us recently, and I last saw her on Saturday eve, when we parted on (seemingly) good terms. She sent a friendly text on Sunday morning, then nada for a couple of days, which is unusual, but not something to fret over.

Here's my dilemma: 99% of the time those four words actually mean, "I've made up my mind to dump you, but - to rub salt in the wound - I want to tell you all the things that have been bothering me (even though I'm not interested in fixing them)."

So, do I:

1. wait for her to call?
2. send another text to say that I'm confused and would like this sorted ASAP?
3. just go NC immediately, and ignore her calls/texts

I've decided NOT to call her, as the ball is 100% in her court. She knows where I am...