[hopeless82]

Before I start, this is going to be a rather long one. :confused:

I've been going out with my girl (lets call her J) for almost 3 years now and I can honestly say that I love her more than anything in the whole world. She kicks my butt when I need it and I've become a better person because of her.

The first thing that I can not stand about her is her damn pride. She never apologizes for anything even when it's blatantly clear I did nothing wrong. We have gotten passed the point of placing blame and chosen to simply walk away from each other when we get angry. So far it's been working pretty well. I consider myself to be extremely in touch with my feelings and very emotionally insightful. I don't hound her all the time with questions because that's exactly what lead to earlier confrontation.

To explain a little about myself, I'm 28 years old and currently living with my family. I didn't have a choice after being laid off. I typically stayed at home when I was younger and didn't venture into the outside world which I'm trying to change by becoming more active and social.

She posts something about "anybody wanna go out tonight after work?" on her Facebook page and I take the initiative to call and ask her what gives. So after I get yelled at and told that I'm being quiet on the phone and then putting her in a bad mood for the day I begin asking myself if I really want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way and feeling worthless. I've had a few relationships in my life so far that didn't exactly end on high notes. From those, I've learned that I screwed up just as much as they did which lead to breakup.

I ask her how she feels about certain things and what's on her mind just to make conversation and show that I'm interested. I feel that by keeping her feelings at the front of my mind that I've given her the pants to wear in the relationship when in fact they should be worn by both parties. Am I supposed to be a typical jerk of a guy that doesn't care about her feelings and her well being? It seems like that's what's expected of me sometimes.

I am so incredibly confused right now I could just kick some butt! On one end, I care very deeply about this fantastic women, on the other end... am I not supposed to give a crap?

I don't get it...

[talaniman]

You ever think you take what she says personally? And get defensive when its not received, or acted upon as YOU expect it to be?

How about trying to relax, and just let some things go, without being emotionally insightful. I see no need to keep any ones feelings in the front of my mind, just be receptive when need be.

Sometime we try too hard to connect, and impress. Just let it flow naturally. And its obvious you have resentments about some of her attitudes, and actions, which fester when not expressed, and resolved properly.

I think that can best be done by picking your battles carefully, and not feeling inferior when she is more definite, or expressive. So she never apologizes when she is wrong, I think you already know that's how she is so deal with it better.

Have a bit more confidence in yourself, and don't sweat the small stuff, as it doesn't matter who wears the pants, does it? Personally I rather go naked. She can wear whatever she wants.

[jmjoseph]

She sounds like an Alpha female. She wants to be in charge of this relationship. You, on the other hand, are wasting your time trying to get into her inner thoughts.
Do you think that "J" respects you? It sure doesn't sound like it.

There are thousands of women out there who want a man who actually cares about what they think and feel. Go find one.

Otherwise, you are going to feel even worse.

Meanwhile, work on YOUR pride.

[hopeless82]

To play devils advocate, I think I let her be in charge of the relationship out of either laziness or the lack of decisiveness. All the things that we've shared together in the last three years, I don't think I could see myself without her. She and I have come so far in our lives as individuals and together both benefiting from each other's growth while being more in touch with each other. I've thought about what other relationships lack and what I might gain by being with someone else but truthfully I can't bring myself to suffer the heartache of losing the one true love I've ever had. (ok so I'm sappy). I am so lost. She's always telling me I don't really understand until I experience things first hand and not take things so personally. Honestly though... I don't know how to do that. I've always been extremely good at following rules but maybe I just don't understand or it hasn't been explained to me in a way I can truly know.

[positiveparent]

I think your problem is that you don't have enough respect for yourself or your abilities and this is why your partner is being as she is.

Women respect men who respect themselves.

[talaniman]

She's always telling me I don't really understand until I experience things first hand and not take things so personally. Honestly though... I don't know how to do that. I've always been extremely good at following rules but maybe I just don't understand or it hasn't been explained to me in a way I can truly know.

Not taking things personally is a direct tie to your own confidence, and self esteem. Sometime when we get angry, and frustrated about our partner always being right, we transfer anger for ourselves for being wrong, to our partner. It is confusing, and frustrating, to not understand OURSELVES. I THINK YOU ARE MORE FRUSTRATED HOWEVER, WITH NOT BEING ACKNOWLEDGED BY HER when YOU are right, and SHE is wrong.

I think that's when your pride makes you feel that way. Don't let her lack of apology, or acknowledgment, get to you. Be happy just knowing for yourself, that you were right, and don't dwell on what she does about it. I certainly would not. (because I don't care what others do?? I guess we all have ISSUES!! )

Sometimes you have to lead by example, and hope they get it. If they don't, just do your own thing until they do.