[Natalie576]

This is going to be long and I apologize but anyone who can give me any help would be really appreciated...

I am 20 years old, a junior in college and I've been with my boyfriend for about 1.5 years. He and I met through friends and we really hit it off. I lost my virginity to him and he really does just mean the world to me.

When we first started dating, about 2 months in (after 2-3 years of being good friends) we first had sex, it hurt really bad which I assume is normal. We would fool around in some way or another about once a week, and roughly 8 months into the relationship I had a surgery for a large ovarian tumor I had to get removed. Before the surgery I was slightly over weight, I'm about 5'6" and i weighed 170~ so a little chubby, but I was off my feet for so long i gained about 20 lbs and it just kept going up, as of today I weigh 210 lbs. On top of this due to the surgery I have really awful bowel problems (gross I know, sorry) which inhibits my ability to hold down a job. I had to quit work, and often I just feel really awful, my doctor says its unrelated to the surgery but I've been on every type of IBS medication and nothing works.

I don't think the surgery has anything to do with my lack of sexual desire, but something happened after that, I was "out of commission" for about 6 weeks and afterwords we had sex once... since then we have sex about once every 3 months. I hardly think about it. Every once in a while he will ask for oral sex or a hand job and I usually refuse, I don't know if it's because I am just lazy, I'm just not sure. I feel like he has a growing resentment towards me.

We live together in an apartment. He got a large inheritance so money isn't an issue but I feel terrible that I no longer have a source of income. I rely on him for everything financially and it makes me feel like a leech. When I did work I insisted on paying for half the rent, and paid for myself on dates even when he wanted to pay and I went from being a strong, independent woman who was comfortable in her body to now I am fat, I feel disgusting when I look in the mirror, I feel like a leech, like I'm no good.

I constantly worry that he will leave me if I don't start making more of an effort to pleasure him. I just don't know what is wrong, if it's the stress, the lack of self confidence, I have a rather poor diet, and I am on birth control to prevent more ovarian cysts (I read the pill can lower libido) or the depressing state I feel like I'm stuck in.

I just want to make him happy, I know he still loves me and cares about me and he is a really great guy, the best thing to have ever happened to me. He tells me all the time that he thinks I am beautiful but I just can't believe him when he says it. I look at myself in the mirror and can't find a single nice thing about appearance. Should I just start forcing myself to have sex with him?

I'm sorry this is so long and incoherent, many nights I sneak out of bed and cry for 2-3 hours about this and tonight I finally decided to try and get some help with it.

On a side note I am really limited in the exercises I do because of the surgery (I need really low impact) and I don't know how I can change my diet because since he pays for food we usually eat where he wants. I'd give anything to go back to when I knew I made him happy.

[Synnen]

First off, I had SEVERAL ovarian cysts removed approximately the same time you did. Now granted--a cyst and a tumor are not the same thing, but the type of surgery isn't all that different.

Secondly--something must have gone pretty wrong, because you're not recovered from surgery yet. You should be able to do just about anything you want to at this point. You SHOULD be exercising, even if that's just going for walks. You can't say you don't have the time--you're not working.

Thirdly--If your doctor says the bowel problems are NOT because of your surgery, then they are very probably not.

I really see you as having MENTAL problems here that are manifesting as PHYSICAL problems--but I'm not a doctor.

Start DOING something. You don't feel sexual because you don't feel like you are worth anything. You also don't feel like you are contributing anything worthwhile to the relationship right now, and probably feel that giving sex when you're not in the mood yourself would be a bit like prostituting yourself.

You owe it to your boyfriend to talk to him, and tell him what the heck is going on in your head. You ALSO owe it to him to keep seeing doctors until you figure out what's wrong with you. See your OB/Gyn first about switching pills, to see if that's causing the libido problems. See your GP next about suggesting a diet and exercise that would work for you. See a therapist/counselor after that to see what's going on with you mentally.

Reading some of your other posts--you come across as a victim of a sexual crime like rape or molestation. Not saying that's happened, but that IS how you come across. You need to see a counselor to figure out why.

[CravenMorhead]

That is a dilly of a pickle.

Synnen has several good points, but I need to add one or two.

First off, you need to get your relationship roles right. He is wealthy and works, so money isn't an issue. Since all the money comes from him you think that you've got no say in the matter. This is wrong. Contributions to a relationship aren't measured with a dollar sign. Relational balance takes into account many, many things. I am sure that you contribute in many other ways; cleaning, cooking, general home making for example.

You have a say in the expenditures, specifically in the meal department. You want to eat healthier, than approach him and say that you want a diet change. Come up with a healthier meal plan. It is what we do. I make twice, if not thrice, what my SO does. I pay for food but our meal plan does together.

Second. Don't force yourself to have sex with him. It will make him resentful that you're doing this. Trust me on that one. My GF had a disorder where the vulvular vestibule muscles spasm causing great pain during and for several days after intercourse. It took her a month or two to tell me about this, and how she was having sex because I wanted it. I really didn't like that answer.

You have a problem. Don't do anything that will hinder your recovery.

As for your surgery. Your healing time should be a lot less than 10 months. You should be fine now. You had abdominal trauma and your muscles were weakened by that. You need to rebuild them now. As synnen said, you need to talk to your GP about this. It might be as simple as going to the pool to do aerobics in the water. You might just need to talk to a physical trainer.

Good luck. And take the initiative.

[Cat1864]

To the great advice you have already received, I will add getting a second opinion if you don't trust your current doctors. While your doctor is probably correct, stranger things have happened after surgery.

You said that you are a student. Can you use your knowledge to work from home? Tutoring, typing up reports, Avon, Tupperware, etc. are just a few ideas of things you can set your own time frame for.

I will reiterate the need for counseling and talking to your boyfriend.