[Maddz311]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 1.5 years. We do everything else but have sex. I've tried to push for sex but he always stops or says, "i think i hear something." He comes up with excuses every time to stop things. When we aren't about to he's always telling me about how much he wants me and how much he thinks about it and stuff.

So I guess I better give some back ground. He was married for 5 years. His wife had an affair. They are still married but he's filed and waiting for a process server to find her. I have a two year old child with another guy. My boyfriend adores my little boy. I converted and became religious. He already was. Sex before marriage is a big no no in the church but he says it isn't the reason he doesn't want to! We are talking VERY SERIOUSLY about marriage.

Any suggestions on to why he won't have sex with me?

[Maddz311]

An answer would be lovely!

[Clough]

Hi, Maddz311!

It can take quite a bit of patience to use this site. Sometimes responses will come right away and other times, it can take quite awhile before someone comes along to address a question.

Also, at this time of the day or night, depending on how you look at it, there aren't as many people on the site as there are at other times.

Thanks!

[Maddz311]

Hi, Maddz311!

It can take quite a bit of patience to use this site. Sometimes responses will come right away and other times, it can take quite awhile before someone comes along to address a question.

Also, at this time of the day or night, depending on how you look at it, there aren't as many people on the site as there are at other times.

Thanks!

I just noticed that quite a few people looked at it and no one said anything. :/ Sorry

[Clough]

Your issue is a bit more complicated than a lot of them. It can take people awhile to think of just the correct things to write and ask. But, eventually, people will respond.

I would actually like to give it a shot. But, just at the surface of it, I already feel that there might be some deeper issues involved that will take a great deal of thought on anyone's part.

[Wondergirl]

Even though he says no, that religion is not the reason, that may still be the reason lurking deeply beneath his psyche. Or maybe he considers it special enough that he wants to wait? He hasn't given any hint as to why not have sex?

Is it that important to have sex with him before marriage?

***ADDED**** Maybe because he is not yet divorced?

It's nearly 2:30 here, and I must go to bed! I will look for this question and maybe a response from you when I turn on my computer after breakfast.

[fisk]

I'm just thinking of possible reasons here, but what if he's afraid he won't please you? Since his wife had an affair, maybe he feels she did it because she wasn't sexually satisfied with him. So maybe he doesn't want you to feel the same and he hesitates about going through with it.

Just a thought...

[Clough]

Hi, fisk!

That could very well be a possibility! I know that I would have difficulty and reservations about trusting a different person intimately if someone else had cheated on me.

Thanks!

[Synnen]

Since he says it's not religion, I assume that you have ASKED him what the problem is.

However--did you ask him just after the mood was killed? Or at a time when you were both on neutral territory--like over breakfast or dinner? Did you start it with "Why do you..." or "Why don't you"? Or did you start it with "I'm concerned about..."?

HOW and WHEN you ask something is just as important as WHAT you ask.

[JoeCanada76]

He is still married.

[JoeCanada76]

I think that is a good enough reason.

[mudweiser]

So I guess I better give some back ground. He was married for 5 years. His wife had an affair.

He probably wants to get to know you first, even if it has been a year already, he probably just wants to "test the water" before he takes the plunge. It's understandable, 5 years with someone was just flushed down the toilet.

Now I've got to ask. How did you guys meet? How long was he separated from his wife when he started seeing you?

You may hate me for this but frankly I don't think you guys will make it if he didn't take time for himself after the separation, and I don't even think he did since he's not even divorced yet.

Personally I think he needed to be alone for at least a year. No relationships, no dating, just himself. He just spent 5+ years with someone and to just jump on to the next one is just not a good idea.

I converted and became religious

.

This made me laugh. You want to have premarital sex and your "religious". Common' now. I know people have urges, but if your going to be religious why are you pushing sex on him?:confused:

He already was. Sex before marriage is a big no no in the church but he says it isn't the reason he doesn't want to! We are talking VERY SERIOUSLY about marriage.

You can talk about marriage but I doubt the dude will WANT to actually get married. It just seems to me that your very selfish. Why would you want to push the idea of marriage on him when he's not even divorced yet...

[JudyKayTee]

I'm a little lost here - you are very religious but pushing a man who is married to have sex with you.

Sex is a "big no-no" in your religion but...

He is talking about marriage but he's not divorced.

Ask him why he doesn't want to/won't have sex with you. That's the only way to know.

[CravenMorhead]

He is still married.

Yes and no. Being still married might be part of it. Divorce proceedings, more so with a child being involved, are a tricky thing. Even in Canada where we aren't quite as litigious. He could be afraid that, even if they are separated, your relationship could be considered an 'affair' and would be used against him.

Could say it isn't religion, but it could be. More talking is in order. Nothing that hasn't been said in this thread already. Just another person saying the same thing.

[Cat1864]

more so with a child being involved,

The child is the OP's not her boyfriend's according to her post.


Maddz311, how old are both of you? Does he have any health concerns or is he taking any medicines?

How long before you met him had he separated from his wife? How long ago did he file divorce papers and how long has he been trying to have her served? What do you really know about his divorce proceedings?

[JudyKayTee]

Yes and no. Being still married might be part of it. Divorce proceedings, more so with a child being involved, are a tricky thing. Even in Canada where we aren't quite as litigious. He could be afraid that, even if they are separated, your relationship could be considered an 'affair' and would be used against him.

Could say it isn't religion, but it could be. More talking is in order. Nothing that hasn't been said in this thread already. Just another person saying the same thing.

If he spends 3 minutes behind a closed door with OP he can be accused of having an affair. Whether he is or isn't is pretty much immaterial as far as division of property is involved (as well as child support and spousal support).

An affair does not make a person a bad parent in the eyes of the Court.

I don't think anything of that nature could/will be used against him.

I think he has his own reasons - which only he knows.

[Wondergirl]

If he spends 3 minutes behind a closed door with OP he can be accused of having an affair. Whether he is or isn't is pretty much immaterial as far as division of property is involved (as well as child support and spousal support).

An affair does not make a person a bad parent in the eyes of the Court.

I don't think anything of that nature could/will be used against him.

True legally, but the OP had brought up the religious aspect. Having grown up in an "evangelical" Lutheran synod, I know the more conservative Christians do not even think about the opposite sex and dating until the divorce is final. The boyfriend may be very conflicted, id vs. superego.

[JudyKayTee]

I was addressing "Craven's" concern that boyfriend is in custody negotiations and boyfriend could be afraid an "affair" could be used against him. I wasn't referring to anything else but that one sentence, having addressed the other aspects earlier.

In this same vein in my life I have made it policy to NEVER date anyone who is legally separated OR in the process of a divorce (or, of course, married). I'm sure some slipped into the mix and I didn't realize it but I saw too much drama and heartache on the part of my friends.

My advice? Find someone single without hang ups.

[EmoPrincess]

I may be completely off, but he technically is not divorced YET. You mentioned his wife had an affair. It is possible that he doesn't want to have an affair as well.

[Maddz311]

Wow, I'm surprised at all the answers! THANKS!

Let me see if I can remember the questions:

Time of getting together after separation- 6 Months.

Why push sex if I'm very religious- I really would be fine if he would just say that he wants to wait. Yes, sexually I would be frustrated but I could live with it. It's the fact that he's talks about it a lot and tells me he thinks about it all the time.

Ages- I'm 20 and he's 28. My guess is you might think that he might think I'm immature. He's constantly telling me how mature I am and all that jazz. He's completely comfortable with me.

Health concerns/meds- no

Divorce questions- He finally filed just over a month ago. He's filled out the paper work multiple times but he was living in a different state for a while. The trying to serve has taken place since filing. He also waiting because she kept telling him she would file with him but only on her time and if she knew him and I weren't talking. (we've lied to her) She thinks we aren't talking but she hasn't met up with him to do anything.
What do you mean what do I really know?

How I asked- I think I've asked both ways... Idk though. Maybe times it has been after the mood was killed.

He's told me (we tried to talk about it last night over the phone) that he's afraid of getting me pregnant... this is a legitimate reason but we've had condoms... and I said that. But he said that he's afraid I'll leave him. Which I totally understand but why talk about ti so much?

OH and I believe someone said something about pushing marriage on him when he isn't even divorced yet... NOT THE CASE. I didn't talk about marriage first. HE DID. So... I am not pushing it on him. At all.

OH and.. The child is MINE... the marriage is HIS... I think I got it all.

Thanks again everyone!