[hurtmum]

My son has always been a challenging child.When he reached his teens he stopped doing things he liked and became irritable and disrespectful. We found out he was smoking marijuana at 15 and continued to do so throughout high school despite having priviliges revoked and other consequenses imposed on him. He started skipping school and his grades suffered. He eventually got his G 12 after returning for an extra year. He was very uncooperative at home and very disrespectful to me. He also seemed depressed. He worked for a year before deciding to go to college. I thought by getting away from home would be good for him to learn to take care of himself and to "run his own life' which he was constantly throwing in my face. I was concerned about his marijuana use and realized that he was maybe using as a crutch as he seemed to have a mild case of social anxiety and depression. Fast forward a year. He got thrown out of residence due to his marijuana use blew through his student line of credit and did not pass his classes. Seemed like he wasn't taking his education seriously, using college as a big party. When he ran out of money a few weeks before he came home I gave him groceries but nothing else as he had blown through his line of credit . The angry obnoxious teenager that left for college 9 months previous came home a very humble matured young man. The change in his behaviour and attitude towards everything had greatly changed for the better. He was very remourseful that he had not passed his college courses ,blown through his line of credit and wasted our money we put out for his accommodations. He and I had some great heart to heart talks and really felt that his new disposition was here to stay. He was very helplful, respectful,loving but also very EMOTIONAL. Every time we talked about something he got tears in his eyes and kept apologizing for everything he'd put us through in the past few years. However about 10 days later around the time he started working fulltime he said something very strange to me. He said Mum, you're going to see my personality change over the next few weeks. I askede him what he meant by this and he said he couln't be the way he'd been since he came home from college it was too much for him( he even took books out of the library on emotional intelligence) but stopped reading them about the time he said his personality was going to change.The worrying part is that his personality did change just like that and he's back to being distant and not respacting me. When I ask him if anything thing is bothering him he says don't worry about me I can take care of myself. Could this be stronger drugs than weed speaking ? Sorry so long winded wanted to explain whole situation to see if somebody could give me some insight. Thanks

[JoeCanada76]

Short answer.

He is 20 years old.

He wants to be his own man and take care of himself.

He can be distant, as far as respecting you? Why do you think he is not? Just because He is Living his own life now?

You need to stop asking him all the time if things are bothering him. He is 20 and yes he can take care of himself.

No why do you automatically think it's the drugs talking?

You need to except the fact that your boy is a grown man and needs to learn how to take care of himself. He will be busy working, and whatever else he may be doing.

[Jake2008]

I think that he likely had run out of options, and it may have really hit him hard, especially failing his courses, and going through his student line of credit. Most likely he was sincere in being humbled by the whole experience, and I think you would have known if he was faking it. Let's assume he meant what he said, and was truly remorseful.

My thinking is that he was going through withdrawal before coming home, and not just from the drugs. He was living through a painful realization that he had lost more than he realized. In other words, life started kicking in, and it wasn't what he expected.

You did the right thing in establishing a healing bond with him. He was receptive to talking, and you were receptive in listening and understanding.

The pronounced expressions of emotions, and him seemingly depressed, in my opinion, could have been withdrawal symptoms, as he was likely doing more than smoking pot. Maybe alcohol, maybe other drugs, but his body was adjusting to being clean. That is just a gut reaction from me.

That he said he was going to be a changed person- again- likely meant that he knew he was going to be using again. He had the money now that he was working. He realized he couldn't maintain the good changes in himself, since he came home.

I think with the change back to the way he was at college, proves your theory that he is back on drugs.

See if you can arrange counselling for you and him (and your husband too), and explain how you see things, particularly the drastic changes in personality, and the depressive state when he arrived home. If you can get to the bottom of this, and be accepting of the possibility that he may need rehab or counselling himself, he may open up. I don't think he would tell you the truth of the matter as long as he's living at home, for fear of you putting him out.

His mood change to antagonistic, is likely a defensive move. If he keeps you from getting too close, it makes it easier for him to use, particularly if you don't really know what he's using.

You might want to consider counselling as a requirement to him staying at home. Tell him what you suspect- drug use- and the family has to deal with this.

He will either stay, and attend counselling, or leave, and continue to use. Either way, I think it is important for you to address the problems through a counsellor and hopefully you will gain some insight on how to help him, and how he can help himself.

Guessing isn't enough, it's time to put some plans in place, and stick to them.

He is only 20, and if he were 30 or 40 experiencing the same things, I doubt you would turn your back on him if he needed help.

All you can do is try to lead him in the right direction, and hope for the best. He may not be willing to cooperate immediately, but you will have planted the seed that you will help him, when he is ready. Sometimes that is all you can do until he is ready to come around and address whatever problems he has.

All the best of luck, don't give up.

[hurtmum]

Thanks for the advice jake2008 I definitely won't give up but he's not very receptive to talking about anything right now, thanks again.

[Jake2008]

Sometimes all you can do is plant that seed.

Hopefully he'll come around, and he knows you're in his corner.

Take good care of yourself.