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boobagley76 · Jun 4, 2010, 08:39 AM

I have been trying to get up the courage to tell my dad that I found my 1/2 brother a year ago. I have had an on going relationship with him and his wife but I still don't know how to tell my dad. Recently he has met his birth mom who is so excited to have a relationship with him. I don't regret finding him because I know how happy this has made him and now he has a relationship with his bm but I feel it is time to tell my dad. How do I do this. I haven't always had the best relationship with my father and he's a private man. I brought up before I searched for my brother that I knew he had a child before me and my sister. He said he doesn't think about it. I don't feel that's entirely true. So my question is how do I tell my dad I know his son?

JudyKayTee · Jun 4, 2010, 09:41 AM

The same way you've expressed it here, straight out and to the point. It is entirely possible that your father does not want to be reminded of the past and will walk away, think about it and then contact you. He may be angry; he may not. He may be upset that you've had a relationship for a year and are just telling him about it now.

The fact that your brother was adopted means that your father is no longer his legal father (of course), and that was your father's decision for whatever reason at that time.

How will your mother feel about this? Will this be painful for her?

boobagley76 · Jun 4, 2010, 11:10 AM

All those emotions are what I'm scared of. At one point my dad was out of my life for 8 yrs. (his choice)and has been back in it for 8 yrs now. I know he regrets staying out of my sisters and my lives for that time but he was in a lot of pain over his divorce to my mother.I don't think he'd ever want to lose our relationship again but I'm one who hates rocking the boat and I wonder if I should have done this? Your right about it being his decision. I guess I just hope he warms up to the fact. My mom is not the bm but my mom and dad are divorced so she's supportive with what I did. She's actually the one who told my sister and I about our brother.

boobagley76 · Jun 4, 2010, 11:12 AM

Oh also in response to my dad making that decision. He didn't. He asked the woman to mary him but she was young and her parents were strict catholic and sent her away to have the baby. So he was not given the choice.

JudyKayTee · Jun 4, 2010, 12:22 PM

Originally Posted by boobagley76

Oh also in response to my dad making that decision. He didnt. He asked the woman to mary him but she was young and her parents were strict catholic and sent her away to have the baby. So he was not given the choice.

When was this? Both parents consent to adoptions. I do realize there was a time when mothers were "sent away" and then came back home, never acknowledging the child.

I don't think you can NOT tell your father - the longer this goes on the more it appears you are sneaking around behind his back, particularly if he's sensitive on this issue.

I can't imagine what it must be like to see your half brother's face for the first time!

Fr_Chuck · Jun 4, 2010, 07:31 PM

Go against the grain here, why do you have to even tell him.
Of course for me it was my adopted parents, but I found my 1/2 brother and 4 half sisters and saw no reason to tell anyone.

Synnen · Jun 5, 2010, 05:25 AM

You snuck around behind his back and found a person he (seemingly) had/has no interest in finding.

My guess is that you are in your 40s (or older), from your description of the adoption.

Why tell him? I mean, you've lied to him (by omission) for a year now--why start telling the truth now?

And this is a person that HE didn't tell you about--his EX-WIFE told you.

Mention it in passing, send him a letter, sit down over coffee---there are a million ways to tell him.

I think the REAL reason you are nervous is because you've been sneaking around about it, not that you're really worried about his reaction to you finding his son.