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Homegirl 50 · May 24, 2010, 09:03 AM

This is the reason many of us stress not getting into another relationship so soon after one has ended, especially if it ended badly. If you know someone who is just coming out of a relationship, they are vulnerable, leave them alone. You aren't doing them any favors.

Tired10 · May 24, 2010, 09:11 AM

Homegirl 50

The comment re:urges was very much tongue in cheek. I have other things to sort out in life 1st anyway and they do not revolve around the ex.

Homegirl 50 · May 24, 2010, 09:19 AM

I was not referring to the "urges" comment. I was making a general comment about becoming involved with someone who has recently left a relationship.

Tired10 · May 24, 2010, 09:37 AM

Well I agree wholeheartedly with your general comment.

Think I have learnt that one the hard way, i.e. my comment about getting together too early after her split from marriage, 3 months split from a 12 year marriage.

Homegirl 50 · May 24, 2010, 09:43 AM

You seem to be doing quite well. She has problems with control and stability, but you also enabled that by staying with her for three years.
She will move on in time just as you have and hopefully she will learn things about herself and improve things that will help her in the future.

Tired10 · May 24, 2010, 09:55 AM

Well yes I am doing OK thank you. You are correct that I did indeed enable that behaviour, takes two to make or break a relationship. I do accept that and have to look at my role within the relationship as it was.

The more I reflect back on her, I am realising more and more issues that she has and I think sadly that she will always suffer. With that said I am not making her an icon of hate, she is such a lovely, warm, funny person in so many ways, just with plenty of baggage.

Homegirl 50 · May 24, 2010, 10:46 AM

Well she may not always suffer so let's not even speak that. She may come out of this a better person. Lets speak positive in her life.
We all have baggage

Kitkat22 · May 24, 2010, 12:10 PM

I see you are a gentleman... you have said some very nice things about her. I guess I myself get so used to hearing bad comments about an ex.. it's nice to see someone who doesn't blame the other for the relationship.

You'll do fine.. I'm betting on that. God Bless You and your little sweet boy... Kit

talaniman · May 24, 2010, 12:14 PM

Now you can deal with YOUR issues, whatever they are, and not be distracted by HER issues.

Tired10 · May 24, 2010, 01:33 PM

Kitka22

Yes I think I will be fine thanks :)

She is carrying so much guilt at the moment, bless her. It's her birthday today, I did drop a card round when I knew she would be out. Nothing special just a humorous card from my son and I. She texted to say thank you, a couple of more texts later to each other (nothing heavy) I left it at that. I feel at some point in the near future I will tell her that I now understand the decision she made and why she made it. It wouldn't be to hurt her or make her feel like crap, I will be empathetic and hopefully ease some of her guilt. Maybe in the long term future we could be friends, I simply don't know, as you know that takes time!

talaniman

Yes indeed. There is some working out to do there, I mean for me. I am not quite sure why I put up with her lack of commitment for quite so long (infact I would still be there now), and continued to give her everything... too much in fact.

I have been self employed for some time now and have let things slip, in all honesty I have lacked motivation and drive for some time. I have decided to pursue there career I had previous to becoming self employed.

I am not depressed or unhappy, in fact my cup is always half full! I just need to sort out the above and probably a little more.

Anyway, thank you all very much for input here, I do appreciate it.

Tired10 · May 26, 2010, 12:46 AM

Just a little update:

I texted yesterday asking if she was OK and said that I understand now why she ended the relationship and that she shouldn't feel guilty for doing so. I texted as I know she finds it very upsetting talking about it.

She replied and asked some questions about what I was saying and said it was difficult to do by text but she finds it too painful to actually talk face to face about it and that she feels desperately sad and wants to feel differently but can't.

I explained that I thought it was a one sided relationship, I felt we got together too soon after her marriage split and that she made the right decision and once again to try not to feel guilty.

She sent a long text explaining that she feels her relationships in the past have been difficult because she was never in them as a proper adult, her husband did everything and that left her powerless then I came along, saved her and she didn't have to function again fully. She relied on me emotionally it was more than helping out here and there.

She said she loves me but not completely for the right reasons, and that she could be with me quite easily but she has to stop history repeating itself and needs to feel that she can function in her own right and that she can't do that with me, I end up feeling rejected whilst she struggles with her emotions.

She went on to say that I am great and lovely and she misses me but can't be with me and that she has to stay strong in her decision although she finds it very very tough.

I replied and basically said I understand and that I couldn't go back now to how things were/are, although I of course love her and the children and miss them all.

We texted some more light hearted stuff and things seem OK between us, which I see as a good thing of course. Whether we can be friends in the long run I simply don't know, but certainly not right now, it wouldn't be good for either of us.

I am glad that we had the text converastion and hopefully she feels the same way too. I am OK and accepting of the situation, Whilst I still think about her quite a lot, that big hole and the ensuing pain is no longer there :)

Kitkat22 · May 26, 2010, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by Tired10

Just a little update:

I texted yesterday asking if she was ok and said that I understand now why she ended the relationship and that she shouldn't feel guilty for doing so. I texted as I know she finds it very upsetting talking about it.

She replied and asked some questions about what I was saying and said it was difficult to do by text but she finds it too painful to actually talk face to face about it and that she feels desperately sad and wants to feel differently but can't.

I explained that I thought it was a one sided relationship, I felt we got together too soon after her marriage split and that she made the right decision and once again to try not to feel guilty.

She sent a long text explaining that she feels her relationships in the past have been difficult because she was never in them as a proper adult, her husband did everything and that left her powerless then I came along, saved her and she didn't have to function again fully. She relied on me emotionally it was more than helping out here and there.

She said she loves me but not completely for the right reasons, and that she could be with me quite easily but she has to stop history repeating itself and needs to feel that she can function in her own right and that she can't do that with me, I end up feeling rejected whilst she struggles with her emotions.

She went on to say that I am great and lovely and she misses me but can't be with me and that she has to stay strong in her decision although she finds it very very tough.

I replied and basically said I understand and that I couldn't go back now to how things were/are, although I of course love her and the children and miss them all.

We texted some more light hearted stuff and things seem ok between us, which I see as a good thing of course. Whether we can be friends in the long run I simply don't know, but certainly not right now, it wouldn't be good for either of us.

I am glad that we had the text converastion and hopefully she feels the same way too. I am ok and accepting of the situation, Whilst I still think about her quite a lot, that big hole and the ensuing pain is no longer there :)

Good for you and blessings!

Tired10 · May 26, 2010, 01:57 PM

Thank you Kitkat22.

We have always communicated quite well, although there were obviously these underlying problems which remained under the surface and were not talked through, shame really. I do not propose it would have saved the relationship, rather ended it earlier!

Tired10 · May 28, 2010, 09:41 AM

Well I didn't have such a great day yesterday, just felt a bit down generally. No contact at all with her and then 8AM this morning a text, asking if I was OK and if I could get money back for flights I had paid for.

I replied saying I can get the money back no problem as they have changed the times both ways, which they have. Anyway after a couple more texts she once again apologises for the breakup and says she would like to best friends and to go on holiday but knows it probably wouldn't be possible now.

I said I couldn't be best friends in fact not even friends with her as it would be just too painfull for all those involved. I don't want to know who she is seeing and vice versa.

I think after that text she will now leave me alone. I believe it is best all round for everyone that we do not see each other anymore, there is simply too many emotions involved, I think we are both moving on, as hard as we both find it.

Homegirl 50 · May 28, 2010, 09:44 AM

Yep, that s probably best.
And no more texting either!

Tired10 · May 28, 2010, 09:52 AM

Homegirl 50

Yes I think you are correct with regard to texting, as difficult as I am going to find it to not reply if she texts in one of her needy moments.

Kitkat22 · May 28, 2010, 09:52 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Yep, that s probably best.
No texting anymore either.

You're doing the right thing! Have a great weekend.:)

Tired10 · May 30, 2010, 06:56 AM

Well here I am again with my blog.

So she texts after midnight Friday eve, how did job interview go for me and she had just won a keyboard in a raffle whilst out.

I ignored the text, so predictably she texts again yesterday to ask if I got it. I say no and she just asks about my job interview. I reply and we leave things there.

So I wake up this morning at 5AM and cannot get back to sleep, Oh and silly me decides to drive by hers, she only lives a mile away, oh and see a car outside her house. I am no stalker and it is the 1st time ever I have done such a thing, honest! I just had an inkling she was seeing someone. Yes I know damn well it is not my business, but curiosity and all that.

So like a fool I text her and ask her, on the basis that she made me promise to tell her if I was seeing somebody else. After a few texts she says she has been seeing someone this weekend, she doesn't want to fall out with me, she has done nothing wrong and just trying to get on with life.

I reply saying OK, but you said a week ago or so you didn't want a relationship with anyone and now you appear to be in one, actions speak louder than words. Also said I wished she had left me alone after our split and she cannot seem to do that.

So she calls me in tears, saying it is not what I think, he did stop there but nothing went on. She really cares for me and doesn't want me out of her life, for instance she wanted to tell me about her great night out on Friday, I said she she tell her new man about it all and not me, why me!

I said I want no contact anymore as it is damaging me and setting me back and once again I cannot be her friend, maybe one day in the distant future when I care no more who she is seeing. I also apologised for the drive by her house. She was very upset by it all and I feel bad for my behaviour, I should know better. Whilst at the same time she should not keep contacting me.

Anyway I sent her an email setting out exactly why I need no contact with her at all, and that it would help her too. I also said it was none of my business what she was up to, but it is the contact that is making me not able to let go of her and I am OK and she starts contact again, which just puts me back. She replied saying thank you for the email, I am correct what I am saying and that she will reply in full tomorrow.

Oh dear what a mess I have made here with my actions. Anyway looks like we are now finally in a proper no contact situation. When oh when will I learn.

Homegirl 50 · May 30, 2010, 07:27 AM

No you're not, because she will respond to your e-mail and you will respond back.

No matter what she says in her response, leave it alone. Ignore any text phone calls... Leave it all alone. She has moved on, It's time you do. For real this time.

Tired10 · May 30, 2010, 07:38 AM

I will not respond to her email. If she has moved on, they why the hell can she just not leave me alone? For instance talk to her new interest about her night out and not me?

Is it just she is familiar talking to me and just finds it hard to break the habit? I suppose I could try and analyse all day, like you say I need to move on and properly let go.