Check out some similar questions!

KyleS28 · May 16, 2010, 08:23 PM

I'm a 28 year old guy and my ex is a 27 year old woman. We both share the same faith. She is still a virgin and I have had sex in a couple of relationships.

The relationship was great for a month until I took it too far one night. The next day she talked about breaking up over how physical we were. After being together for four months I took it too far again. The next day she says she needs a break and now we are on a break.

Two additional comments. We were physical two days before we were supposed to take a roadtrip/weekend away together. The weekend away was intended to get away from work and bond, not for a weekend of physical intimacy. Before she mentioned wanting a break in our relationship, she explained that she wasn't comfortable going on the roadtrip together which caused her to realize that we need a break.

Secondly, she has issues with expressing herself/opening up. She doesn't like to talk about deeper issues or emotional topics in her life. She shys away from physical contact as well.

I really like my ex and am not sure how to resolve the "break"? I screwed up by being too physical with her. How can I prove to her that I won't screw up again? Part of me thinks she is too afraid to break up so she asked for a break. Part of me thinks she doesn't know how to handle her fear of the roadtrip we were supposed to go on. I think she would be too afraid to call even if she was still interested. From conversations early on in our relationship, it sounds like this isn't the first time she's walked away from a relationship over fear of physical intimacy. Help!

Clough · May 16, 2010, 08:27 PM

Hi, KyleS28!

In your heart, do you truly want to honor that which she wants or doesn't want, at this point in time, as far as physical intimacy is concered, please?

Thanks!

KyleS28 · May 16, 2010, 08:35 PM

absolutely. It is a challenge for me, but I respect her values. The problem is that sometimes it is hard because she makes welcoming advances and then feels convicted about them the next day. She is more important to me than the physical intimacy. I just don't know how to communicate how apologetic I am and that we may need to seek relationship counceling.

Clough · May 16, 2010, 10:29 PM

Okay.

So, how would taking a road trip together help to keep things on a lesser level of physical intimacy than either of you might desire to have, please?

For instance, if it's a road trip for two or three days, would the two of you be planning on sleeping separated from each other?

talaniman · May 17, 2010, 06:27 AM

Sorry guy, but I just don't buy the guilt trip. This is where you talk about things, and work through issues. Not blindly break up till she feels better about herself.

The really simple truth is you BOTH went too far, and why should you suffer what you both have done. That's not fair, nor is it appropriate. You have been patient, and human, so don't even take all the blame for her guilt, not let her put it all on you.

That's the problem, she is calling all the shots, and you are not even willing to deal with the truth, so you can never have a useful solution, just whatever she decides.

Millions of couples go through this, its only natural, but running away from responsibility will NEVER work. You better talk to her, and stop this laying all the blame at your feet for human mistakes, or you will get more of the same behavior, and wonder why this is another break.

Breaks are no substitute for communications. If you can't communicate, you do not have a relationship. I honestly doubt she is even ready for a healthy adult relationship.

KyleS28 · May 17, 2010, 03:44 PM

The idea of the roadtrip was to leave work behind and enjoy the outdoors together. She tends to bring her work home with her and a weekend away would have been a good way of focusing on us. We were sleeping in the same room with separate beds.

So do I talk about things with her or do I wait a month? Do I talk about the past or just focus on moving forward? How can I call the shots in a relationship that isn't supposed to be physical? How can I get her to open up so we can improve our communication?

talaniman · May 17, 2010, 03:56 PM

I leave her alone, so she can get over herself. Let her call you. She asked for a break, give it to her, and take one yourself.

KyleS28 · May 22, 2010, 05:59 PM

Threads merged

Haven't seen or spoken to my ex in 3 weeks. She was the one to break up with me because we rushed into the relationship too fast. Too physical too fast. We were together for 3 months. She agreed to meet up for lunch. I still am interested in her. Do I treat her like a friend? Do I treat her just like when we were in the relationship? Do I tell her I am still interested in her? Do I flirt? If it goes well, how long do I wait until I set up another time to meet? I need advice on reuniting with ex.

Fr_Chuck · May 22, 2010, 06:10 PM

Why does she want to have lunch ? What is the purpose,

If you get false hopes and keep letting the other lead you on, it can be nothing but heartaches.

Personally I would not go, do no contact and move on with my life. If it did not work and you broke up, unless you are talking ( and it is obvoius you are not) then how can you work out the problems.

jmjoseph · May 22, 2010, 08:59 PM

What exactly does "I took it too far" mean?

Did you FORCE her to do something that she did not want to do?

Or did you go a step further knowing that she was excited, and possibly would regret what it was that you were doing?

Did you sexually assault her in any way?

Was she a willing participant in what happened?

If so, then IT went too far, not YOU.

Know and respect the boundaries that women have. No means no.

If you made her do something against her will, then shame on you. If she was willing and wanted the "activity", then shame on her for making you take all of the blame.

I'd like to know which case it was please.

J. Sparks · May 22, 2010, 10:00 PM

Seriously sounds all too much trouble than it's worth.

Get someone who enjoys the physical aspect of a relationship as much as the rest of a healthy relationship.

It was only 3 months, so I'd say you should thank your lucky stars that it didn't go any further.

KyleS28 · May 23, 2010, 12:41 PM

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

What exactly does "I took it too far" mean?

Did you FORCE her to do something that she did not want to do?

Or did you go a step further knowing that she was excited, and possibly would regret what it was that you were doing?

Did you sexually assault her in any way?

Was she a willing participant in what happened?

If so, then IT went too far, not YOU.

Know and respect the boundaries that women have. No means no.

If you made her do something against her will, then shame on you. If she was willing and wanted the "activity", then shame on her for making you take all of the blame.

I'd like to know which case it was please.

There isn't any missing info in this thread. We both initiated being physical with one another and no clothes came off, etc, everything was above the clothes, but it was still physical. No abuse, etc. I know I need to respect her boundaries and no means no but I had one challenging night where she was initiating the physical contact and I went along with it knowing she would feel convicted afterwards.

3 months isn't a long time, but you know when you meet someone unique and different than anyone else you've ever dated. I want to see where this relationship will go. Its not about whether I should see her. I am seeing her and I need to know how to approach the conversation if I still want to be back together with her.

talaniman · May 23, 2010, 02:02 PM

If she is willing set some boundaries. And stick to them no matter what she says, or be blamed for her lack of control, and right or wrong, go through this again.

Alty · May 23, 2010, 03:27 PM

Pack your bags, you're going on a guilt trip.

You both initiated physical contact, you didn't force her into anything. Now she's blaming you because she wants to believe that she's virtuous and moral. She's kidding herself and you're letting her blame it all on you.

If you want to continue this relationship, set up boundaries. Tell her point blank that she's not to make advances towards you and you will promise the same. She needs to accept responsibility in all of this, it's a two way street, she needs to take her blinders off and realize that she's part of the problem.

If you can't talk to her about this, then why are you with her?

jmjoseph · May 23, 2010, 03:33 PM

"we both initiated being physical with one another"... "she was initiating the physical contact and i went along with it"

This is not YOUR fault. You both share responsibility for this.

Try to work it out.

KyleS28 · May 23, 2010, 07:11 PM

Thanks for the advice! How long should this break last? When I spoke to her about meeting up for lunch she agreed but says she also thinks we need time. I don't want too much time to pass as the more time that passes the less interested I will be and if we both become uninterested than what is the point? Is the reason she wants time is because the more time that passes the less she will think about why we broke up?

My biggest issue with time is that if we allow too much time I think I will lose her altogether. Is this true?

talaniman · May 23, 2010, 07:29 PM

Its up to her to get over whatever she is feeling, and you can't force her to do anything. Matter of fact pushing to hard is what will drive her even further away.

Give her what she asked for, and don't get carried away by your own fears, and start acting impulsive..

KyleS28 · May 23, 2010, 08:09 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its up to her to get over whatever she is feeling, and you can't force her to do anything. Matter of fact pushing to hard is what will drive her even further away.

Give her what she asked for, and don't get carried away by your own fears, and start acting impulsive..

What do you mean by "start acting impulsive?"

Homegirl 50 · May 23, 2010, 09:05 PM

Give her her time and space but you need to get on with your life. She is not ready for adult dating.
She is not a child. If she has a no sex rule, then boundaries are her responsibility too. She played a part in crossing them, you didn't do it on your own and you didn't force her.
Have lunch with her but tell her you will not accept the all the blame in this. Tell her she can call you when she is more willing to accept responsibility for her actions and not put it all on you.

KyleS28 · May 23, 2010, 09:13 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Give her her time and space but you need to get on with your life. She is not ready for adult dating.
She is not a child. If she has a no sex rule, then boundaries are her responsibility too. She played a part in crossing them, you didn't do it on your own and you didn't force her.
Have lunch with her but tell her you will not accept the all the blame in this. Tell her she can call you when she is more willing to accept responsibility for her actions and not put it all on you.

People are kind of missing the cause of the break. She didn't call for a break because of the second time we were physical. She wanted a break because we planned a weekend getaway and she wasn't comfortable about the trip, mostly because we would be putting ourselves in a tempting situation.

I'm not sure if the relationship was moving too fast for her or that she felt the relationship was becoming too physical and she was conflicted with the direction the relationship was heading.