[flyordie]

Hello,
It's my first question here,actually it's the reason I registered..
It's all about an issue that's keeping skeptical for a long long time
I'm almost 20.so not a child
I'm concerned whether I can have real friends.The problem is that I think I haven't friends that can really connect with me.I'm talking about people with whom I've spent time and lived certain hard times with,I'm referring to 2-3 ''friends'' which I have at this time.
It's like I try hard to give and be there at their good and bad times ,by trying to say the right thing,do what I can to make it easier but when sth happens to me,when I feel I could use some real friendly support ,what I get is not the support that I need but sth less.And when I'm there for them I'm there cause I want to,not just to be a friend.I really want to help them.But what they do is not good enough.
I feel like when they try to help they do it only out of obligation.
The truth is that I'm not the easiest person to become make friends with,even though they tell me I'm the person closest to them,that I always say what they need to hear,but when it comes to me I think that they can't get over themselves and do sth heartful for me.I sometime think they take me for granted.I realised that they almost never ask me how am I,many times cut me when I'm talking so they can say sth,and I sadly realised and live with the fact that they mostly talk about themselves.
I tried to get over myself and not take so personally but it feel bad psychologically,empty in the field of friendship,
The thing is that I stay,and every time sth happens I'm there and spend time and analyze with them.I just find hard to go in search of friends all over again.
All I want to know if what I thoroughly analysed above is sth that other people face or is it just me?any advice you have is more that welcome..
Sorry for the length of this question,it's just that it really concerns me.

I look 4ward to your answers
Just a girl in the world

[ordinaryguy]

Well, the late teens and early twenties are a time of exploration, experimentation and self-discovery. It's a time when a lot of people act more confident than they really are and tend to be a little too self-absorbed and self-centered. Try to remember that people mature at different rates and you may be a little bit ahead of the curve compared to some of your friends. Also, try and remember that building real friendships takes years, and that many of the people you are hanging out with now will go their own ways and won't end up being your friends in the long run. There's no blame in that, it's just the way it is.

Remember too that friendship isn't a commercial transaction and you can't expect or insist on perfect balance in giving and receiving, certainly not in the short run. If you find yourself constantly giving more than you receive over a long period, it's fine to pull back from the relationship to the point where it feels more balanced. The thing about friendship is that it's strictly voluntary and you can't MAKE somebody be your friend or give you as much in return as you feel you have given them. If you feel shortchanged, just withdraw to the point where you feel balanced and accept the fact that some "friendships" aren't that deep.

All you can do is be as good a friend as you know how, and don't get angry or depressed when others don't necessarily respond as you would like them to. Real friends often come from the most unlikely places and when you least expect them, so don't be too quick to turn away from anyone. At the same time, don't continue to pursue friendships with people who disrespect you and place no value on your offerings of yourself.

PS. What does sth mean? You use it several times and I can't quite figure it out.

[talaniman]

As you get to know yourself, and figure what you are about, and the things you require and expect from others, your friends will change and come and go, until you will be like the rest of us, with one or two good friends we don't see enough of, and a lot of acquaintances. Its part of growing up and learning about yourself and others.

[Allheart]

Hi Flyoride,

You have great advice here from both ordinary guy and Tal. OG, I think, not sure, but the sth may = stuff, but not 100% sure.

Flyoride, you sound like a very nice and caring young lady. And as OG said, you may have matured at a little faster pace from your friends.

I just want to add a couple of things. Yes, I completely understand what you are saying. And I know it can hurt very much. You feel as though you give and give and give. And when you need your friends, it seems as though they can not even hear you. This could be due to the fact, they are still very young and not quite "tuned in" yet, to others around them. Please don't think you are hard to be friends with. I am sure that just is not the case.

First, be a good friend to yourself. Try and not let how others treat you, reflect on how you feel about yourself.

Your current friends, may not fully get, that there are times that yes, you need someone to talk to, since you are always there for them, they may be taking you for granted. Sometimes this happens in the best of friendships. What you need to do, is when you need someone to talk to, sit your friend down, and say, I really need to talk to you. I am sad or I need your help with a problem. Make it very clear that you need them to be there for you. If they still cut you off or go off to "never never land", then you will know,
that they may be fun to hang out with, or have a laugh with, but no, they would not be the one you turn to for a comforting friend.

You will find, as you get older, that as Tal said, there will be one or if you are lucky, two friends, that will possess, what a true friend is. Will both be a giver and a receiver. Again, you may have reached this stage sooner that most of your friends your age, so don't be discourgaged.

One other thing I want to point out. Don't think you have to tell your friends, "what they want to hear". Be yourself and tell them truly how you feel, not what you think they want to hear. Be honest and open with them, and I bet they will do the same with you.

You may feel you are "just a girl in the world". But Flyoride, you sound like a very special girl, and I promise you, all of us have asked the same questions you are asking and wondering the same things. It's just a matter a finding you way through all the things life brings your way.

Smile, be happy, be yourself, which to me sounds like you would make someone a very treasured friend. Try and not expect your friends to react exactly as you do. Everyone is different and brings a variety of elements to a friendship. Some are able to give so very much, like yourself, and others can only give what they are capable of giving. It is knowing the difference that will help you choose the one or two, that will ultimately be a true and cherished friend.

[flyordie]

sth stands for = something

thank you ordinary man
thank you talaniman
and thank you allheart

your words have busted my confidence for a better tomorrow, I'll try to change my view over the subject the way u suggested ,be more patient and see where it goes.I really thank you since I was at a turning point,really down psychologically, and all I really needed to hear was some honest advice.. it's funny how a total stranger can help you when your friends cannot

thank you again

[ordinaryguy]

sth stands for = something

Ah! I get it. I learn sth new every day.

thank you ordinary man
thank you talaniman
and thank you allheart

your words have busted my confidence for a better tomorrow, i'll try to change my view over the subject the way u suggested ,be more patient and see where it goes.I really thank you since i was at a turning point,really down psychologically, and all i really needed to hear was some honest advice..it's funny how a total stranger can help you when your friends cannot

thank you again

You're more than welcome. It's nice to know it helped. So often, we never know, so thanks for saying thanks.

[Ebz]

Your so called "friends" sound like they don't like to deny themselves! Denying yourself simply means to forget about yourself and think about others! Your so called "friends" are really your friends if they aren't their for you! If I was you, I wouldn't even worry about being friends with them if they are going to act foolish! If you have anymore questions about relationships just ask me! I help my sisters with their boy crazy relationships!