[snc89]

When I was thirteen years old,I met my first love. We've been in a relationship for two years and then he had to move away. My heart was broken. We lost contact and I haven't heard from him since. I never stopped thinking about him but I still moved on. Now in high school I fell in love with my high school sweetheart. We've been in a relationship for two years and he proposed to me. We've been married for a year now and we have a beautiful baby girl together. My husband and I haven't really connected like we used to. I tried talking to him about it but it just leads to more arguments than trying to fix the problem. Recently I joined a website called Face book. I was curious so I typed my first loves name and there he was. Now we talk and text each other mostly everyday.He's engaged and has children. I'm still in love with this man and he's still in love with me. We actually arranged to see each other. I've met up with him 4 times and we had sex. I am still madly in love with my ex. What should I do?

[Jake2008]

I wish you had asked the question of what you should do, before you did anything.

It's always after the fact, when a spouse cheats, that fault is somehow on the husband/wife, to justify infidelity.

That you don't 'connect' with your husband anymore, after only a year, and a new baby together, doesn't cut it. For whatever reason you decided to find your old boyfriend, this has nothing to do with your husband. You were making a conscious effort to locate somebody you had feelings for way back when.

Whatever you have with this ex boyfriend, is not love. He is engaged, and has children, and is also cheating on his wife. I suppose they argue and don't 'connect' either. But, the two of you have sure connected for physical encounters, four times.

There is much you could have done when you were making the decision to find the ex. You could have stopped yourself. You could have realized that you were making a huge mistake, especially when you realized that he was engaged, and had children. You could have talked to your husband about marriage counselling, couples counselling, spending more time together, working on your problems, and sorting out the communication issues.

Marriage is a lot of work and it is unfair and sad that you chose to deal with your marriage problems, by hopping in the sack with an old boyfriend.

While you continue to lie, cheat, sneak around, and lust after a man who is not available, you run the risk of destroying your marriage, and not ending up with either man. It is inevitable that at some point either your boyfriends fiancé, or your husband, are going to figure out what's going on, either by reading the history in your computers, or being told that you were spotted at the local motel, etc. Lies will catch up to you.

When all this is busted wide open, where will you be then. When the ex doesn't want to leave his fiancé and children, and your husband files for divorce, you will realize that it wasn't love at all. It was an infatuation to live in the past, and wilfully blinding yourself to the consequences.

You don't show any remorse, or willingness to let the ex go. Your priorities are finding a way to meet up with him again, and damn the torpedoes.

Should you decide that you have the strength to see clearly enough the damage you have already done to your marriage, and wish to find a way to save it, then by all means post again.

If you are looking for support in order to cheat and justify it, I'm not sure you'll get any.

Just my opinion on all of this, but, what I wish for you is to wake up, stop the affair, and focus on your responsibilities as a married woman with a child.

[talaniman]

Harshness Warning

While its possible to love many and be married, cheating is unacceptable, love or not, lust or not, and doesn't solve the problems at home, but adds to them.

Further, as you have made yourself to be a piece on the side to a married man, then when he get over his lust, what will he do about you?

I think you divorce your husband and learn the difference between love and lust so you can be a good partner in a healthy relationship someday, for the sake of your child, and give her a chance to grow up to be a healthy person.

Having sex with a married man is not the solution to your unhealthy home environment. Your child deserves better. How can you teach, or give love when you have no clue yourself, as to the proper action to take in the name of love.

[Cat1864]

This is going to be harsh:

My advice is to get rid of FaceBook. Get rid of the ex who seems to have problems making up his own mind. Break off ALL contact with the ex. Make it to where he can't get a hold of you in any form or fashion.

Stop playing with fantasy and memories and live in the reality of the present. The ex is only attractive to you because you don't have to deal with him and every day life. You don't have to change diapers with him or decide who's paying the bills. No trash to take out or dirty underwear to wash. You get to have fun and feel carefree for awhile like you were when you were 14. However you aren't 14 years old. How old are you? 19? 20?

How many children does the ex have? Do they all have the same mother? Is she the one he is marrying? I somehow doubt he is the knight in shining armor you want him to be.

I would be getting a sti/std test and telling my husband to get tested too. Yes, that means telling him the truth. He deserves it and don't blame your infidelity on him. It took both of you not doing the mature thing to end up where you are now.

Along with the testing, I would be consulting a counselor about marriage counseling because after you tell your husband the truth even if you separate you are going to have to learn how to work together to raise your child who seems to be lost in the fantasy of the past.