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sman21 · May 12, 2010, 05:54 AM

Hi

I have now been married for almost six years, I had an arranged marriage at the age of 25 one which I was not 100% certain about. The main problem is I fancy my sister in law - I am madly in lover with her. For the past five years I do nothing but think about her. I must admit that I do masturbate whilst I think about her too.

I cannot stand the fact that she has a boyfriend. Keeping my feelings inside is killing me and I even sometimes think that I need to tell her how I feel. Is this a good idea, please let me know what I should do, there is no other girl in the world who makes me feel this way.
I feel sorry for my wife, because I know it is not fair on he, but life is short, & I really want to tell my sister in law how I feel. What can I do?

Please help.

Cat1864 · May 12, 2010, 06:33 AM

You are unavailable because you are married. Not only are you married but are married to her sister. I don't think she would be happy to have her brother-in-law tell her feelings like these. What would it do to both families and your wife if this was made public?

How much of your attraction to her is because you can't have her? She is the forbidden fruit and greener grass that are no where as great up close as they are from a distance. She is a fantasy. Change the fantasy to your wife. Redirect the feelings for her sister into feelings for her.

You have allowed these feelings to develop and rationalize that it is okay because you weren't 100% sure of marrying your wife. You made a commitment to her. Very few people are ever 100% sure of getting married. There is almost always a little what if hidden in some corner of the brain. It's human. What we do is accept it is there and do not allow it to run our lives.

Limit your time around the sister. Redirect your thoughts. Build your life with your wife.

sman21 · May 12, 2010, 06:46 AM

I don't know - the problem is I do not see her that much and still have these feelings. I wish I could take these feelings away.

Cat1864 · May 12, 2010, 06:58 AM

Originally Posted by sman21

I don't know - the problem is I do not see her that much and still have these feelings. I wish I could take these feelings away.

That explains it a bit more. You are obsessing over a fantasy. You are building it up in your mind. It isn't her. It is your concept of her. Like looking at an actress. You don't really know the actress, but you can think about what you think she is like and who she is as a person from the interviews and roles she does.

It will take hard work, but you can change your thought processes and redirect inappropriate thoughts back to where they should be. Give yourself time to change and a mental kick when the thoughts start straying. It is all in your brain under your control. Exert that control.

Good luck.

talaniman · May 15, 2010, 09:59 AM

Telling her of your secret feelings is totally unacceptable and will cause endless problems for your family and hers should you do so.

Don't let seemingly intense feelings for your sister in law lead you to inappropriate behavior, or have it distract you from doing what you must with your wife, to bond into a happy unit.

I read your other post, and hope you get the courage to deal with your feelings in a better way, by not telling any one about them, or behaving badly, and doing what a man does when he has responsibilities he has agreed to. Honor them, your wife, and family, as you want to be honored by them.

The past cannot be changed, but let the present, and future, reflect your best efforts.

Shadowburn · May 15, 2010, 02:05 PM

Under no circumstances make your feelings known to this woman - you're both committed to other people and hence off limits to pursue other relationships. As a woman, I actually think it's kind of creepy... you called it obsession for totally correct reason, because it is very weird and unhealthy attraction.
If you're unhappy in your marriage, there is always a divorce. Marriage is not a jail. And your wife deserves a loving and respectful husband too. You've been married for 6 years, and five our of those 6 years you're been obsessing about another woman - think about it.

Fr_Chuck · May 15, 2010, 02:29 PM

One question not asked, in the country they live in, and their culture are they allowed to have more than one wife, if so, marring the sister is not always unusual.

But if this is not the case, you start by staying away from her as much as possible. Showing respect to your wife,
How would you feel if you found out she had those feelings for your brother perhaps