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jellyfish1981 · May 13, 2010, 12:37 PM

I had been dating my boyfriend for the last five years. Till last week we were talking about getting married next year. Then the day before he told me that for a better career he has decided to study to be a lawyer which means three to four years more of long distance relationship in different countries. He said he doesn't want to ruin my life by leading me down a path which he doesn't think will work out. I understand that what he says makes sense that it is too much but I don't know how to stop myself from feeling miserable. I have just been crying since yesterday. I did everything I could to make this work and without any warning or signals its all gone. All the security of past five years, someone I was with for so long is just not there anymore. I definitely don't want to beg him to try and make things work. But how do I deal with this pain? I just want to go meet him one last time stay with him and say goodbye properly. We broke up over the phone and that hurts sooo bad

peekcachu · May 13, 2010, 01:31 PM

I'm sorry your are going through this pain. But there is a reason for everything.

Calmbutconfused · May 13, 2010, 01:40 PM

I know exactly how you feel... my ex broke up with me over the phone (skype) from overseas as she got an amazing job offer in another country while I decided to head back to our home country and further my studies.

Its been incredebly difficult to try and overcome the feeling of loss and pain and in general you feel like life cannot go on without them as we have come to depend on that for at least a part of everything we do.

My head could understand exactly why my ex made the decision to break up with me, but my heart was just screaming WHY? Couldn't we have at least tried?

Regardless, the best thing to do at this point I think (and what I've been trying to implement as well) is to not contact him at all and leave it where it is.

Closure is important, but before you decide on contacting him again, consider a few things:

- What do you need to get closure? Will contacting him and pleading your case in the hopes he will accept you back make you feel better? What if he acts cold and distant as he has no doubt been thinking about this for a while (trust me)?

- If he does change his mind, where will that leave your relationship? At this point, could you attempt to have a long distance relationship again for another 3-4 years knowing that he may not truly be putting all his effort in?

- if you do call or contact him, consider what the consequences of this will be. Will it cause more tension or make him more distant? Do you (or can you even) wish to be friends still?

Give this all some thought before making any rash decisions. I know that thinking with your head right now isn't very easy, but that's what this forum is here for. It has definitely helped me get some clarity.

You are not alone. Remember that. Let us know how things go.

jellyfish1981 · May 13, 2010, 07:16 PM

I know that he would not change his mind. And that is why after his last text yesterday I have not called him or texted him. But he told me that he would be calling me tomorrow. What do I do when he does. I don't want to argue or beg because there is no point in that. And I don't even want to ask him to reconsider but can I still say that I want to say goodbye in person and spend a last few days together. I'll probably never see him again.

jellyfish1981 · May 14, 2010, 04:24 AM

My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of days back. It was really painful and both of us are feeling miserable about it. Should we continue to talk and try and help each other through his. Can that work? I know here is no hope and no future but can we still be friends? I don't know how to deal with total absence of someone who was there for five years. We were in a long distance so meeting each other is not an option but is talking over the phone asking for too much?

talaniman · May 14, 2010, 05:08 AM

can I still say that I want to say goodbye in person and spend a last few days together. I'll probably never see him again.

Why put yourself through that misery??

jellyfish1981 · May 14, 2010, 05:49 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why put yourself thru that misery???

We broke up while we are still in love. He has been just as miserable and has been crying every time we talk. When I do meet him again we'll be able to spend a few more days together and it would be very difficult to part especially the long flight back home but wouldn't it be worth seeing someone I have loved for so long if only for a bit and say goodbye to him and his family in person?

Cat1864 · May 14, 2010, 05:56 AM

Originally Posted by jellyfish1981

but he told me that he would be calling me tomorrow. what do i do when he does

Do you need to work out how to return belongings to their rightful owners? If not, then I wouldn't answer. It has all been said and any more is for him to not feel guilty.

You need to start your own healing. Read the stickies at the top of the Relationship Board they have a lot of useful tips and information. Remember that we are here to give what support we can. Just keep adding to this thread.

Do you have any friends you can talk to face to face? It might help to talk to a close friend who can be there to hold your hand and listen.

jellyfish1981 · May 14, 2010, 06:23 AM

Do you have any friends you can talk to face to face? It might help to talk to a close friend who can be there to hold your hand and listen.

My friends have been there for me and they are dragging me out tonight as well even though I don't want to go. But every close friend who I have told that we broke up has required even more convincing than I did that its over. They keep asking me why I didn't do this or that or that there could have definitely been a solution. It came as a shock to everyone that we broke up. But now I am feeling scared to go out as well because I just don't want to answer too many questions. I feel like I was living in a fantasy world for the last five years and now all of a sudden I have woken up to reality and pain.

talaniman · May 14, 2010, 06:31 AM

If you want to drag this out longer, then go right ahead. That's your choice.

We broke up while we are still in love. He has been just as miserable and has been crying every time we talk.

There was not enough love to keep it going so what's the real point. At least let the emotional dust settle to avoid impulsive words and actions, and give you clarity of thought.

jellyfish1981 · May 14, 2010, 06:49 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

There was not enough love to keep it going so whats the real point. At least let the emotional dust settle to avoid impulsive words and actions, and give you clarity of thought.

The reason for break up is that he is in a fairly low paying job as he joined work right after graduation. He does not have a family that can support him financially. So he decided to study to become a lawyer for a better future. I am indian and here after the age of 30 women have very little or no options left as most of the marriages are still arranged (decision is made by the people getting married but they are introduced by the family). I am a working in india and doing fairly well by the standards here but my 2 degrees which are india specific would not be of much use if I try and find a job outside. We don't know how many flights we could have managed in a year to see each other which was easy so far as he was in a country much closer to mine but won't be when he goes for his law degree. So it was either I give up my career here and try and find a job there which would be nothing as good as what I do here or we could have done another 3-4 years talking over the phone and meeting for a week or two every six months. All the while risking the fact that if things don't work out if I am 32 four years from now I'll be much worse off. Plus the pressure to get married from the family never goes away they already think I won't find anybody now. And I think for him he didn't want to take the responsibility/guilt of what happens to me if things don't work out later on and for me the fear of what happens if everything messes up.

I wish · May 14, 2010, 07:40 AM

That's an extremely difficult relationship to maintain. If you only have India specific degrees, then for this relationship to work out, he's going to have to move to India. If he doesn't show any indication of that, then the relationship has no future. You've already given each other over 4 years to try to work it out. Do you really think another 4 years will make a difference?

As for finding someone else, you just need to put yourself out there to meet new people. You've remained in a closed relationship for 4 years, so it's difficult to meet new people. You just need to get back out there and get to know more people.

Don't let others put you down saying that you can't find anyone. It's more like that kind of attitude forced you to drag out this past relationship longer than it should have.

I would say, don't waste anymore time thinking about the past. Move on with your life. Move forward.

talaniman · May 14, 2010, 08:51 AM

Since your careers are so much more important than being together, then its best to let each other go, and do what you have to for yourselves.

I WISH is correct in that you have already spent a lot of time with this thing for it to have not worked, love or not. So why not get your own life together, and see what happens while you are free.

I am not Indian, but can imagine the pressure of getting married, but many who do not have good happy lives until they do find the right partner. I don't believe for a second the notion you will never find some one, and after you have healed properly, and focused your life on what you want, you will see many options, and opportunities, that are a better fit than the one you have just had.

But you have to let go of this one first. Not easy, I know, but we all go through this. Some of us a number of times.

Take this change in your life as a growing experience, and move beyond it.

jellyfish1981 · May 14, 2010, 08:59 AM

I am not Indian, but can imagine the pressure of getting married, but many who do not have good happy lives until they do find the right partner. I don't believe for a second the notion you will never find some one, and after you have healed properly, and focused your life on what you want, you will see many options, and opportunities, that are a better fit than the one you have just had.

But you have to let go of this one first. Not easy, I know, but we all go through this. Some of us a number of times.

Take this change in your life as a growing experience, and move beyond it.

What you just said made sense but its just hurting so bad right now. I want the pain to go away and I want to be able to go out in public and not cry in front of everyone. I don't know how to be independent anymore because I have always had the security in knowing that he is there somewhere and now he is not.

talaniman · May 14, 2010, 09:04 AM

We all feel like that after a break up. They suck all the time. But eventually the pain lessens and we have cried a river and there will be no more tears left. Its called mourning the death of a relationship, and the hurt will go away. Its never fast enough, but there are no magic pills, or secret formulas. Just TIME!!

jellyfish1981 · May 15, 2010, 01:23 AM

We just spoke for an hour or so. He was crying just as much as I was. Maybe I sound sadistic but it helped knowing that its hurting him just as much. At least we did not break up on bad terms. We won't be meeting each other but we didn't want to cut off completely so he said he would call me again a week from now to see how I was doing. And I know it was just talk but he said that if 4 years from now I am not with someone or am unhappy with someone and if he is single he would want to see if we could still be together.

talaniman · May 15, 2010, 01:47 AM

4 years?? What a crock of juvenile, selfish, crap!! Please you didn't fall for that did you??

jellyfish1981 · May 15, 2010, 02:50 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

4 years???? What a crock of juvenile, selfish, crap!!!!! Please you didn't fall for that did you???

I don't intend on clinging on to that hope. I would still be meeting people here but it made me feel better.

Cat1864 · May 15, 2010, 06:16 AM

Jellyfish, I know it sounds good to hear he cares, but please don't hold onto false hope. By that I mean, don't allow yourself to permit the thought of him staying in contact or coming back to you in four years affect how you heal and any future relationships you enter into.

Give yourself permission to fully let him go so that you can properly heal.

jellyfish1981 · May 15, 2010, 11:42 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

jellyfish, I know it sounds good to hear he cares, but please don't hold onto false hope. By that I mean, don't allow yourself to permit the thought of him staying in contact or coming back to you in four years affect how you heal and any future relationships you enter into.

Give yourself permission to fully let him go so that you can properly heal.

I am not the one calling him. But if he calls should I not speak to him even then? Since speaking to him today I have not cried at all today. I don't know if that's because I got to speak to him or because I am starting to accept that its over. And that sense of loss that I had even this morning is not as strong. Could that be because of what we spoke about? I am confused about my feelings right now