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wreck · May 11, 2010, 05:19 PM

Here's the story:

So I'm going about my usual life in my job, basically worrying about nothing, and this girl suddenly decides to tell me about her issues in life about her toxic ex-husband etc. etc. etc. While doing this, she opens up a totally different side of her, and I begin to see her in a new light. We texted and chatted everyday (sometimes just chatting via messenger for 6 hours straight). I found out that we had tons of stuff in common.

Now last week, she suddenly grows cold ( since I know her very well, I know when she doesn't want to talk; one word text replies, other signs etc); I confronted her the other day about it and she says "i need space to enjoy my baby etc." She also said that after we talked about her problems through text, we kind of evolved into texting one another about everything and nothing (what's on TV, have you eaten etc.) She then said she felt awkward about replying when we texted like that. I said that my intentions for doing so were good, (yeah I know the saying about it sigh) and don't be a stranger and I'd be there for you should you still need me.

Thing is, there MAY be another guy in the picture; someone who is exactly like her ex-husband. She said that she had some sort of crush on him before, but said that since he was exactly like her ex, she said "not another one of those"; and then lately we found out that the guy had a crush on her too. Me and my friends are thinking this is the reason for the whole "space" speech.

So, make what you will of this mashed up story that wasn't supposed to happen in the first place if I hadn't listened to her. Should I give her the space she needs? And then what? Or am I just a guy she happened to talk to and dispose of after she's done with me?

Thing is, I kind of fell for her along the way. :(

Thanks in advance. :)

reckless · May 11, 2010, 05:28 PM

I say you go back to the way you were by not worrying about it. When you start trying to justify someone else's actions for something you're not even sure about then you're caring too much.

You may have been friendzowned from all the talking. Did you ever physically escalate? If not, then she might be getting bored with you.

Regardless, the right thing to do is chill back. If you try to convince her not to go out with him and that he's a bad guy, you'll only make her want him more.

wreck · May 11, 2010, 05:31 PM

Thanks reckless. Planning on doing the space thing by not contacting her PERIOD.

Physically escalate? No, she's not that kind of person :)

chuff · May 11, 2010, 06:19 PM

Reading this was mistake after mistake.

First of all you don't listen to a woman's problems. They are her problems, not yours so let her deal with them.

Second, why do you have 6 hours a day that you can text someone? Honestly, I'm not trying to be jerk but that comes off like middle school girl stuff.

Third. You are not mysterious. She knew exactly what she was getting with you. Same old thing. She text you, you text back. She whines about her ex, you listen.

Fourth, she probably is into the other guy. There's a reason she married her ex. There's a reason she can shut up about him. There's a reason she tells you about this other guy she's into and compares him to her ex. She's attracted to that. That guy doesn't spend 6 valuable hours of his day texting her. He puts her in her place. Even if he didn't, he still doesn't waste hour after hour doing that.

Ultimately what she wanted was someone to dump her problems on. In the future when a woman is dumping her ex issues on to you, flat out tell her you have better things to do with your time. Tell her not to disrespect you like that. Stand up for yourself, like her ex did.

You unknowingly put yourself in this situation, but see it for a great learning tool and get out from this dependence on their problems and start depending on your own concerns.

BlackVY · May 11, 2010, 06:50 PM

It wasn't good that you fell for her, but I guess that happens.

She was pretty much venting on you and just wanted someone to listen. I think she got a little interested in you too, but when she found out this new guy had feelings for her, she dropped you, sorry to say.

Though she doesn't like her ex, she is still attracted to that type of guy I guess, so its possible she is into him and may make the same mistake again, but its hers to make. She is not a child.

The best thing to do is go back to how it was before, just go about doing your own thing and relax. You don't need this kind of headache when its not really going to benefit you in any way.

You can do the nice thing and be there for her as a friend if you want, but that's your choice. Weight up the pros and cons before you do anything

wreck · May 11, 2010, 06:54 PM

Thanks chuff and blackvy for the replies. :) Currently ruminating about those opinions now; and for possible other answers to other questions I may have in my mind as well.

BlackVY · May 11, 2010, 06:56 PM

Good to hear that... take all the time you need... in the end, you have to do what's best for yourself...

Jake2008 · May 12, 2010, 05:51 AM

One of my best friends was male (he died a few years ago). From the time we were pre-teens, all the way to adulthood, we confided in each other. Mostly about relationships, but we too, had much in common, that kept our relationship going- as friends.

For the woman who confided in you, she felt safe enough to share her personal history with you, and while you discovered you had much in common with her, there was no friendship. There was nothing there that she thought was worth pursuing beyond you being a sounding board, and a support to her.

If she comes around again, which she probably will, it will be to help her through the next drama. Most likely it will always be about her, and her needs, without regard to yours.

It may have taken her a while to come to the realization that you had developed feelings for her, because she was so self-centered. When she realized you could no longer fill a need in her life, she dropped you like a hot potato.

You were in second place the minute you started listening to her.

When a relationship such as it was, is pretty much 100% her and 0% you, your needs are not being met. Try next time to find someone who is still not over her past relationship, and heading down the same road with a clone.

You deserve better.

talaniman · May 12, 2010, 06:31 AM

The problem as I see it is when you became her trusted girlfriend, and listened to her. You made it worse when you became so available. Not to late to disappear and get back to what you were doing before you became distracted.

At least keep things in perspective, being a friend, without the romance.

wreck · May 12, 2010, 07:33 AM

Little something about the situation that I didn't type in earlier due to lack of sleep:

There was this party last Saturday at the guy's place (timeline of this would be the night before we had "the talk"); so as usual I texted her asking if I could swing by to pick her up since I was in the area. She said no thanks she'd meet me at the guy's place and she'd go there by herself. Lo and behold, the guy's car pulls up into the driveway and she's there with him inside. So I just play it cool and act normal. Towards the end of the party, one of my friends asked her if she would stay the night; she replied "I know myself in situations like these; it would be best if i would go home". So that's why I asked to take her home. Basically I meant to save her from herself. I didn't tell her that, but God knows what could have happened since everybody's had a few drinks in them; all bets are off.

Basically I don't want her to hand out her heart to someone who's just like her ex and would hurt her. God knows the deep hole that we cooperated to save her from. ANd I wouldn't want her to go through the mental and physical anguish all over again from having a potential BF that loves to fool around (I know the guy personally as well).

Guys thanks for taking the time out to answer these questions that have been bugging my mind. I owe you people mas beers. :)

artlady · May 12, 2010, 07:37 AM

am I just a guy she happened to talk to and dispose of after she's done with me?

I would say yes.She was looking for a sounding board and nothing more.You have served your purpose and she has moved on.
My take anyway!

wreck · May 12, 2010, 07:43 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

One of my best friends was male (he died a few years ago). From the time we were pre-teens, all the way to adulthood, we confided in eachother. Mostly about relationships, but we too, had much in common, that kept our relationship going- as friends.

For the woman who confided in you, she felt safe enough to share her personal history with you, and while you discovered you had much in common with her, there was no friendship. There was nothing there that she thought was worth persuing beyond you being a sounding board, and a support to her.

If she comes around again, which she probably will, it will be to help her through the next drama. Most likely it will always be about her, and her needs, without regard to yours.

It may have taken her a while to come to the realization that you had developed feelings for her, because she was so self-centered. When she realized you could no longer fill a need in her life, she dropped you like a hot potato.

You were in second place the minute you started listening to her.

When a relationship such as it was, is pretty much 100% her and 0% you, your needs are not being met. Try next time to find someone who is still not over her past relationship, and heading down the same road with a clone.

You deserve better.

Thanks for this jake2008; cheers :)

Cat1864 · May 12, 2010, 07:53 AM

How long have you known her and how long have you been chatting with her?

Are you wanting a romantic relationship or a friendship?

Are you confusing wanting to be a 'knight-in-shining armor' with deeper feelings? Sometimes, the desire to 'help' and be needed can be mistakes for deeper emotions. 'Love' based on 'saving' someone usually isn't 'love' for the person or healthy for any relationship, romantic or platonic. There is rarely a smooth transition from giving your all in 'helping' to letting the person stand on his/her own two feet. It often can end with the person being 'saved' feeling overwhelmed or smothered by all the 'help'.

I think you need to find someone who doesn't trigger a need to 'save' her at the beginning of the relationship.

wreck · May 12, 2010, 07:58 AM

Thanks cat1864; I talked it over with a friend and he said that I was probably "pre-programmed" to act like this (to be attuned to the female psyche, me growing up with a lot of sisters and all, naturally being protective etc.); but sometimes there are things that I can't see clearly.

Your reply has helped shed some light on what I'm feeling right now. Many thanks once again. :)

wreck · May 12, 2010, 08:04 AM

Sorry I didn't post this in my earlier reply; cat1864, to answer your earlier question, BTW I've known her for 2 years; I usually go around the office talking to people; and then we started texting about her issues with her ex and her baby etc. It started 11/26/2009 ( because I kept telling her to get back with her ex; this was before I knew how much the wounds ran deep)

Cat1864 · May 12, 2010, 08:09 AM

Originally Posted by wreck

but sometimes there are things that i can't see clearly.

That's why friends are good to have. They can help keep us from needing to 'saved' from ourselves. I am glad you are open to looking at the situation from different perspectives and not stuck looking at it from just your own.

Good luck.

wreck · May 12, 2010, 08:15 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

That's why friends are good to have. They can help keep us from needing to 'saved' from ourselves. I am glad you are open to looking at the situation from different perspectives and not stuck looking at it from just your own.

Good luck.

Many thanks. Sometimes something's right in front of me and the only person who doesn't want to see it is me. :(

chuff · May 12, 2010, 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by wreck

Basically i dont want her to hand out her heart to someone who's just like her ex and would hurt her. God knows the deep hole that we cooperated to save her from. ANd i wouldnt want her to go through the mental and physical anguish all over again from having a potential BF that loves to fool around (i know the guy personally as well).

Wow.

Dude, you are an emotional whipping boy. This woman used you and now your worried about her handing her heart out to someone who will hurt her... the same girl who hurt you.

Let's review what this guy above wrote...

Originally Posted by chuff

Reading this was mistake after mistake.

First of all you don't listen to a woman's problems. They are her problems, not yours so let her deal with them.

Second, why do you have 6 hours a day that you can text someone? Honestly, I'm not trying to be jerk but that comes off like middle school girl stuff.

Third. You are not mysterious. She knew exactly what she was getting with you. Same old thing. She text you, you text back. She whines about her ex, you listen.

Fourth, she probably is into the other guy. There's a reason she married her ex. There's a reason she can shut up about him. There's a reason she tells you about this other guy she's into and compares him to her ex. She's attracted to that. That guy doesn't spend 6 valuable hours of his day texting her. He puts her in her place. Even if he didn't, he still doesn't waste hour after hour doing that.

Ultimately what she wanted was someone to dump her problems on. In the future when a woman is dumping her ex issues on to you, flat out tell her you have better things to do with your time. Tell her not to disrespect you like that. Stand up for yourself, like her ex did.

You unknowingly put yourself in this situation, but see it for a great learning tool and get out from this dependence on their problems and start depending on your own concerns.

wreck · May 13, 2010, 06:20 AM

Thanks for reinforcing that, chuff. Been doing some thinking lately and trying to come up for air. It's a slow process, but given time, I'll probably resurface from this. Like the previous posts say, she's not a child to be taken care of. It's my fault that I cared too much and built most of my waking moments around her problems and her baggage. I guess in time, I'll find the strength to write my own book and stop reading hers. :)

chuff · May 13, 2010, 07:30 AM

Originally Posted by wreck

thanks for reinforcing that, chuff.

No a problem. Sometimes we have the answers but we ignore them.

Originally Posted by wreck

Been doing some thinking lately and trying to come up for air. It's a slow process, but given time, i'll probably resurface from this.

Not probably. You will. Everybody goes through this. I've been through this, the guy sitting next to you at work has been through this, Brad Pitt has been through this. It feels like you are alone in the feelings but you are not.

Originally Posted by wreck

Like the previous posts say, she's not a child to be taken care of. It's my fault that I cared too much and built most of my waking moments around her problems and her baggage.

Yes and No. Yes it's your fault you built most of your waking moments around her, and yes it is your fault... to a degree. You didn't know the rules or dynamics of this type of relationship. That is not your fault. You logically (male brain) thought that if you helped her she would appreciate you more. She has an emotional (female brain) brain that was carrying around a lot of emotional baggage because she's to stupid to see when a guy is using her and had to find an outlet to get rid of it. You became that outlet. Now that is your fault, but when I was 5 I didn't know how to ride a bike and fell over and got hurt. I could have either said that was my fault, how stupid of me to think I can do this (which would have been true) or I could have said "That hurt, but when this heals I'm going to conquer this. 25 years later I know how to ride a bike. This pain can can suck for no reason, or this pain can be, "this sucks now, but when I conquer this and demand more of myself as not to put myself in this position in the future, I will be in control at all times." Just like riding a bike.

Originally Posted by wreck

I guess in time, i'll find the strength to write my own book and stop reading hers. :)

Exactly. WHile you have already started writing yours. It has gone something like "guy show loyalty to woman who uses it against him. Guy cares more about her then himself." So that's essentially chapter 1. The rest of the book can be, "guy gets message and turns into a confident man that is only as loyal as woman are to him. Guy becomes his own man where time is valued by all those around him. Guy offers solutions to problems one time and one time only. If woman refuses to take advice, guy no longer wastes his time as that is a sign of disrespect. Guy no longer takes disrespect. Guy becomes hero to other woman who appreciate that he is so emotionally strong."