[jmjoseph]

In WWII, when they dropped the atomic bomb, they didn't hang around to give first aid. They got the @#$% out of there.

I know that may sound cold, but she is going to have you signed up for an extension if you don't extricate yourself from the carnage.

I don't care if it takes the "jaws of life" to get you out of this twisted wreck of a relationship, you get out.

[Larken85]

Jm, I understand your point I do. But honestly if we had helped after the atomic bomb, maybe not so many innocent people would have ended up dying from nuclear fallout. Maybe it would have hurt less.

Besides, there are things that will hold us in some type of relationship (not anything more than friends). We have a storage unit down south that I need to clean out. I am going to be nice and bring her stuff up to her storage unit since I am going down there. We are on a version family plan on our cell phones and it would cost her a butt ton of money to cancel one of the lines before the renewal date.

So all that really connects us is a couple of material things, but I do not want to get rid of my phone yet or cost her a ton of money. This will be hard enough on her without her going into debt because of it. I know it sounds like I am being stupid but believe me I can keep my distance from her and I plan to. I may see her once a month just to pay off half the phone bill. Half is all I will pay. She has a job, she can fend for herself now.

I am going to work out a deal with her though. My deal is that if she wants me to bring her stuff back to this state for her, then she needs to give me my kayak before I go. That's all there is going to be to it. Sorry but I want that kayak, it was a gift and I should not have to buy one. And the price she paid for it is nothing compaired to the price it is going to cost me to go get the stuff. Its not a fair trade but like I said, I am going to be very nice with all this.

Tell you what though, I cannot wait to get out there and find a cute girl just to have fun with. Casual dating, not serious crap right now. I can settle down when I'm 30 lol.

[Larken85]

Threads merged, and edited.

I have reciently decided that leaving my fiancé of almost 2 years is the best thing for both of us.

I still love her :( and we still have some material things bonding us together. I need to make sure that I keep things calm with her and friendly at least until I can get my stuff and my phone contract is up. I have a feeling she is going to hate me for a few moments and then beg and sob for me to come back the next. The reason I want to leave is simple, love isn't enough. We have tried for months to make it work but we are having to try too hard. I am in no way ready to settle down and I've been feeling trapped because of that and have been lashing out at her.

I do not need advice on what to do with the relationship, I am leaving her! My question, and what I want advice on is this, How do I break up with her and still be friends? Like literally how do I break up with her? What do I say, how do I act and what can I do for her? :confused:

[sphx26]

Hi Larken85, if you've really made up your mind to break up with her,then talk to her about it. Tell her your reasons and remain firm, be ready to answer her questions,but make it clear that you are steadfast in your decision.

As with remaining friends, tell her, that you wanted to be friends with her, and really care for her as a person. Also,most likely she is going to need some time away from you and that is completely understandable.Tell her you are ready to give her the space and time she needs to get over the breakup. Remember, that only after a certain amount of NC can you be back to being friends. You can't be friends right away, there should be a proper transition for that and only time can do that.

You also have to respect it IF she chooses not to be your friend in the future, whatever the outcome is, tell her that you will always continue to respect her and care for her.

Oh, and when she demands to go NC on you,then you just have to bear it, you can try contacting her after a few months though, to see how she's doing, and if she relpies to your message..

[Larken85]

Thank you spnx. I was reading a few things on Google by searching the exact title of this tread. They pretty much all say the same thing as you did. With the exception of NC but that is a AMHD thing anyway. I hope she takes it OK, I know its going to take her a while to heal. I just hope she doesn't go jumping into another person's arms just for comfort. I know that is not good for her.

[sphx26]

You're welcome. NC is best for her though, there's just too much heat after the breakup that trying to establish a friendship right after will just complicate things more. This is based on my experience though, (I never talk to my exes after I break up with them, and they certainly don't talk to me after me dumping them; hmm.. as a dumpee I tried to be friends right away but it backfired,I end up feeling more down than ever so I decided it best to cut contact). I am friends with most of my exes now, but never without that moment of silence called NC. Just saying. :)

Well, I understand that people are unique and handle things differently so yeah... I guess, if she could be your friend, then great! :)

[Jake2008]

Because there are children involved, when you do tell her that you are leaving, I hope you also speak to the children too. I don't know how old they are, but they will be left with a father figure no longer in the picture.

Try not to say things with a heavy heart. Don't say what you think they want to hear, because they will remember every word you say. If you are unsure of when or if you will visit them for example, don't even bring it up.

I don't know if you have a date in mind, but, if it were me, the day I tell her, would be the day I leave. Have a friend nearby with a truck to move your belongings out, and be done with it.

She seems to do quite well with government assistance, and if they knew you lived there, well, let's just say that that is a bullet you are avoiding. Taxpayers supporting her and her children are one thing, but supporting her and her children while you are providing income and living there doesn't sit too well with most people.

It sounds like you are really worn out trying to please her, financially and otherwise. It will also take you time when you have moved, to recover from the relationship. As bad as some parts were, there were good times too I'm sure. Not to mention the children coming to accept you in their lives as well.

One more thing- I suspect that she won't be totally surprised or off guard when you tell her. All you can do is expect the best, but be prepared for the worst. Don't argue, and try to leave without any bitterness.

Good luck Larken.

[jmjoseph]

As I'm sure that you will, remember to be respectful of her feelings. If you have to say that "it was me, not you", then by all means do that.

Tell her that you have to work on being more mature, and find happiness at all costs.

You are still a young man, a work in progress.

Be strong.

The sooner the better.

[Larken85]

Thanks jake... I hope it goes well. I didn't consider having to tell the kids... this is going to be so hard. Maybe getting involved with a woman that has kids is not a good idea for me. I love them all, her, her son, and her daughter.

I'll just tell her daughter than mom and joe are going to just be friends now and that I'll always love her... god this sucks... this sucks so so bad... I wish there was a way around this, a way around seeing them cry. I'm expecting the worst, and preparing for it. If it is better than that at least I will be surprised.

Oh crap I wish I could have someone there to support me, but this is something I am going to have to man up and do I guess. She is never going to believe my reasons. She is going to think there is someone else, which there isn't of course. But the last time I tried to leave there was so now that's all she has to go off. GRRRRRR!!



I just got to calm down and breath. I can get through it, I can do it.

[slapshot_oi]

. . . How do i break up with her and still be friends? Like literally how do I break up with her? What do I say, how do I act and what can I do for her? :confused:

Just be honest. She's going to be upset whether you let her down nicely or not. A break-up is a break-up, there ain't a such thing as a "good break-up".

This doesn't have to be any more difficult than it already is. If talking to the kids will be too hard for you, then don't talk to them, let her do it. Talk her in private and then be gone. Like I said, the time has come to look out for yourself.

Don't tell her you want to be friends!. This will give her a reason to contact you and a temptation for you to break NC. Don't even think about it when you're breaking up with her. Your immediate goal is separating yourself from her and healing. Come what may after that.

[Cat1864]

Larken, when you leave-leave. I know there are some unresolved material issues (this really should be in the other thread, too much background) that need to be taken care of like the items in storage and your insistence at getting a gift that she promised you as well as the phone.

On the phone, do you own the phone or was it part of the plan? If it was part of the plan, give it to her and let her decide what to do with it. Get yourself a new one that is not attached to someone else's plan.

On the storage, you will need to discuss what is going to happen to the storage contract. She can either choose to keep paying storage on her stuff after yours is removed or you can show that you are willing to part on amicable terms by offering to deliver her things when you pick up your own. NO HOLDING THEM HOSTAGE for a 'gift' you haven't received.

On the 'gift', she still hasn't given it to you so it still isn't 'yours'. Being told about it is not the same as receiving it. Don't act like a spoiled child who hasn't gotten his way if you don't get it. Let it go with all of her other promises that never came through. You are breaking up. Holding on to the 'gift' could very easily become part of holding on to the relationship.

On how to tell her, be open and honest about being at different stages in your lives. DO NOT say let's be friends (read the threads on post-relationship friendships and how most don't seem to work out when there has been this much pain involved). Have your things already packed and out of her apartment. Keep the discussion short and to the point. DO NOT hold her or dry her tears. From what you have said about her before, possibly be ready to duck.

On the children, this is the one point where it isn't all about you. IF at all possible (after breaking up with her it might not be), follow Jake's advice. As the child who had 'girlfriends' go in out of her dad's life, I can tell you that being left with the feeling you are the cause of the break up-even if you aren't-stays with you for years. Also, you giving them reassurance that they aren't the reason will mitigate anything that she says after you are gone that could make them feel worse.

Good luck, Larken.

[jmw0713]

Trying to be friends after being lovers is one of the hardest things to do. Its like being demoted at work, when you know you are you are fully qualified, then finding out they hired some dumba-- to replace you. Anger, resentment, and jealousy quickly set in, in turn making you both feel like crap.

Like the others have said, be straight up with her, don't sugar coat it, say goodbye to the kid, and WALK AWAY! It's the only way. With time everything will return to a somewhat normal state.

[JudyKayTee]

My rule when it's over? I don't want to be your enemy. I don't want to be your friend. I want you to be someone I used to know.

You and this girlfriend/fiance are going to remain friends?

Not such a good idea because she apparently has a lot of control over you.

#283 and counting.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you are finding all of these reasons to talk yourself out of it.
Get another phone, that is simple. Get your stuff out of storage. She was making it before you came along, she has a job, she will probably do better than you financially.
How often were you around the kids? I know you didn't live there.
She is going to mad either way. Nobody likes to be dumped, but she'll get over it.

You tell her things are not working you don't have the same feelings for her and it's best that you two part. Then you leave.
I have a feeling she already knows her time is up anyway. The woman is not stupid.

I think it is possible to be friends after being lovers, but you two had way too much drama going on while you were lovers so I don't see that happening with you two, plus she knows how to work you.
Make a solid break!

[Lucky098]

A little fyi on the phone bill thing. Instead of tying yourself to her from a phone bill, take the Early Term. Fee in the butt, and split. You're looking for things to keep her in your life and close to her without being with her.

Sprint will give her a line of service. They go based on Credit score. So no, she won't go into debt for a cell phone. Unless of coarse she's going to abuse the system.. which many people do.

[Fr_Chuck]

1. please don't start new threads that should have just been your old thread that was added to.

[JoeCanada76]

She is not innocent. It is not like your trying to save somebody who is innocent, because quite frankly she is not.

There is no nice way to break up with someone, there is no guarantee of continued friendship. Although in my opinion in some cases especially this one. There is no need to continue so called friendship because you will continue to let her do whatever she wants and you will continue to let her take advantage of you.

Whether being friends or girlfriend or whatever you may call it.

[Larken85]

I am not going to let her take advantage of me anymore. I broke up with her last night, as nice as possible but she and I have decided to keep our distance from one another.

Its for the best, and I am going to be a much happier person because of this. Not to mention I will be able to afford my own life again. Thank god on that one. Thanks to all of your advice and continued support through this time. It has been hard on me and the hardest is yet to come, but so long as I stick to my guns I can pull through it and end up a better person because of it.

[Cat1864]

I am glad that you finally ended it with her. I think you will ultimately find yourself much healthier without all of the stress.

Good luck. :)

[Jake2008]

Good luck from me too, although breaking up and actually breaking free are two different things.

I hope you have a plan in place to move out sooner rather than later. Hanging around will only make it harder on everyone, especially the children.