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Carrie444 · Apr 27, 2010, 09:10 PM

I have just broken up from serious relationship of 20 months

We were very close and went through a lot together . We lived apart and recently I insited on moving in closer together and he absolulty agreed that being apart is horrible... we rented a cottage and started to look around for places.. in mean time I am going to with divorce and dealing with owning two houses and a restaurnt with my ex... so lots of strees and as you imagine not an easy time

In September last year I lose my job because of my new found love ( we worked togther and even though no one will ever admitted that is what the real reason was ) but I did not mind that even though the times were hard because no my new love and I could be official and we were fully

Last Friday he called me , we had one of these who's fault it is we are still apar ttalk and then he just snapped and said.. it over good bye yoou are on your own
I thought he lost it badly but will come to his senses but he did not and send me an email with full explanation how he loves me like he never loved any woman in his life ( there is huge age diference 20 years between us

And then he was gone... I am fully and entirly in shock and agony ,I love him very much and its killing me noot have him around me
Then the email came from him saying he may consider see me in three months time or so and in a mean time I should work on myself,, and I should write to him ( only write , no call no text)how I am doing from time to time...

Week after our break up my friend call me and told me my ex is on match.com looking for someone else. I read his profile and it is really interesting... he is dicrabing me.he is looking for woman from my age group , my inretests even to the places we used to go together... naming towns and holiday destinaion that we went to

I am so absolutely blown to pieces... any thoughts.. anyone??

amicon · Apr 28, 2010, 01:44 AM

With your divorce not finalized when you met the ex,chances are you had not healed from your failed marriage and went on to have a rebound relationship.

Now is the time to sort out all legal matters in your life,find a new job,if you haven't already and move on with your life.

Have no further contact with the ex,don't check out his dating profile and most definitely don't wait around in limbo for months for a guy who thinks you should' better' yourself.

Waiting around,in the false hope that he will want you back is futile.

Get your life in order,heal and move on.

QLP · Apr 28, 2010, 04:45 AM

He might contact you in 3 months, and in the meantime you can write to him and work on yourself but not call or text. Golly he is calling all the shots there. It sounds like he wants to have a look around and see if he can find a replacement for you whilst keeping you on the back burner just in case. I'm sorry that must sound really harsh but that's how it seems.

Whilst agreeing to move in with you, but doing nothing to make it happen, it seems as though he just wasn't ready to commit.

I think you need to concentrate on yourself and try and put him out of your mind. Don't fall in with his games of being kept dangling. Easier said than done I know.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 28, 2010, 05:27 AM

He may want someone like you but with out all the baggage, owning homes with exs business with exs and more. He may have after 20 months expected you to have moved on more legally and perhaps emotionally from your past.

Or after moving closer perhaps he found it was not what he had make it to believe in his mind

I wish · Apr 28, 2010, 07:41 AM

Harshness warning

First of all, it sounds like you're the one on a rebound. You were used to having someone in your life and after the separation, you wanted to fill that void. Your divorce is not even finalized. From the looks of things, I'm guessing that you're unemployed. Get your life together before worrying about finding someone else.

As for your ex boyfriend, by telling you that he wants to see you in 3 months it shows that he's keeping you around as a backup plan. Maybe in 3 months, you will have your life together, but in the meantime, he's going to have fun with other women.

Do you really want to be his backup plan?

My advice is to get your life together before you worry about another person. Who knows, by the time you're back on your feet, you will realize that he's not worth your time and you will be in a better position to find someone even more special.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 28, 2010, 07:49 AM

You have a lot going on in your personal life, what with divorce and not being employed, the last thing you need is a relationship, and certainly not one where you have been given a 3 month trial. How demeaning!

Get your life together. Don't take on more than you need to take on and that includes this guy.

Carrie444 · May 2, 2010, 04:13 AM

Thank you all so very much for all your replies here to my post .

With time , I realised that yes all of you here are right , I am in difficult situation and I am going through with my searation and my finicial situation is as such as I do not really need to work although I choose so to stay active and productive... so all this concerned...
And we all need a partner that will catch us when we fall... not let us go down to the cold ground and then stand above and watching us straggling to stand up without a helping hand .

It is a very sad time when you realise the man you were with is not strong enough to catch you .

And yes the whole " 3 months trial period " is just awfull...

Thank you again for all your replies

talaniman · May 2, 2010, 07:08 AM

You have to see how lucky you are to be rid of this guy now, rather than going through another messy "divorce" with him, had things been all mixed up by living with him down the road.

Now your free of the past, all of it, and can start fresh, any way you please. It may be shocking now, but see this as a blessing in disguise, and enjoy your freedom to the fullest, and don't be in a hurry to give it away.

amicon · May 2, 2010, 07:50 AM

I think you'll come to realise that you've had a lucky escape,once you start moving past the heartbreak.

Time to build a new life,a life you yourself are in charge of.

Homegirl 50 · May 2, 2010, 08:07 AM

Now you know this guy is a creep. I know you are hurting now, but be thankful that you know him now. Move on with your life.
I wish you well.

Carrie444 · May 2, 2010, 02:40 PM

Thank you all again

I feel like sometimes we need to go through all this pain... maybe to save us from even greater disaster down the road... now I know my " partner " is capable of really seriously hurting me and where is love in that... with help of friends , family , Internet sites :0 and everything in between.. I came to discover that we all need the safety net.. our own sanity and peace and I am on the right road now... without him but with all knowledge I gain in last few weeks

And love... it will come again and I did , actually thanks to him , save myself from falling into even bigger troubles

Thank you all again

Carrie444 · May 4, 2010, 02:26 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Now you know this guy is a creep. I know you are hurting now, but be thankful that you know him now. Move on with your life.
I wish you well.

Yes , and I do agree with the creep part.. I am very good and no contact even though it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes I just want to call... but I do not , of course

Last weekened Sunday morning I got email from him with a attchment of a poem that he wrote and was asking me to comment on it quote" let me know what you think about it ???"
I mean this story is just getting more crazy by a minute... first a break up- final right ? Then maybe 3 months... then match.com dating profile... and now... a poem to be interpred by me??

What does he want from me??

As for now I am still very silent and no aswere whatsoever

Homegirl 50 · May 4, 2010, 02:45 PM

He is feeling you out to see if he can play the back and forth game with you. To see if you're still hooked. Don't bite!
Do not reply.

Carrie444 · May 4, 2010, 02:54 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He is feeling you out to see if he can play the back and forth game with you. To see if you're still hooked. Don't bite!
Do not reply.

Yeah.. no way I will bite to that!! You see he doesn't know I can see him on that dating site... and he is active on it on and off and I totally can see that game... being on a " back burner "

Show me one woman who would like that?? No way unless you lost everything including pride...

You know sometimes I really feel at peace that I got out of this as I did... God only knows what would have happen down the road... imaging myself with kids and all going though this... with him

What a total waste and dissapointment...

YoI love that I can get such a objective advise here

All best xoxox

Devorameira · May 4, 2010, 03:08 PM

You sound like you've accepted what's happened and are ready to move on. That's great that you've seen the light.

Just don't get lured back in if he doesn't find another gal. You are way better than that. You deserve a guy that loves you and will be there for you through thick and thin!

If I were you I would go total NC and wouldn't write him the letters he requested and wouldn't respond to him at all at the 3 month mark!

Good luck

Homegirl 50 · May 4, 2010, 03:34 PM

You are going to be just fine. Keep up the NC

QLP · May 4, 2010, 05:24 PM

I would block his e-mails and stop checking out his dating profiles or anything else.

I know how much this hurts, and I know how strong the itch to just check out what's going on in his life can be. Many years ago I broke up with a guy who I found out was cheating on me and he was engaged to someone else within 2 weeks. This after we had been dating 3 years. Boy that stung. However if you can refrain from scratching that itch it will fade in time.

You deserve much better and I'm sure that will happen in time. For now treat yourself as you deserve to be treated and let fate take care of the creep.

My thoughts are with you.

friend4u178 · May 4, 2010, 05:25 PM

Originally Posted by Carrie444

you see he doesn't know I can see him on that dating site ...and he is active on it on and off and I totally can see that game ....being on a " back burner "

Looking at his activity on the Dating site , or any other social networking site for that matter , is a bad idea and doesn't help you either.

Carrie444 · May 5, 2010, 05:58 AM

Yes .I stopped looking on match.com and also blocked him email . Its time for peace and quiet now and I am going to try to enjoy it the best I can and open myself up to new situation I am founding myself in .

All of you thank you very much for your advice and answers and its acctully quite amazing it help me to realize , I mean knowing that someone else out there could help me relate and keep things in a clear prospective

Thank you again