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dblack89 · Apr 27, 2010, 10:09 PM

Ok.. soo.. here's my problem.

I have this crush on a friend of mine. We're pretty close.. at least I think so. He's my classmate in college. He's 19 and I'm 21. I've known him for about a year but only recently we became close.

A year ago we met in class.. he said "Hi" I said "Hmm?" turned around... instant crush right then and there LOL It was just a simple "hi" "bye" sort of thing because we didn't have the same classes that often. But late last year,I decided to get closer to him. He seemed interested. In becoming friends...

I used to think he likes me... because he used to playfully punch me and strike up a conversation whenever he gets the chance. And he used to smile every time he sees me.
We got pretty close even though we had nothing in common and had complete opposites in music taste. He likes bullet for my valentine and I like imogen heap. He likes soccer and I like hating soccer. Every time he needs help, he'd look for me. He even said I'm a good friend of his.

One thing happened and it changed everything... he asked me to do his work so I was like OK. The next day,I found out he went out playing soccer with his friends till 3 in the morning... so I told him what I felt. He said sorry and thanks for everything. After that, he sort of changed. He became less cheerful around me. We're still friends though.

Oyeah,forgot to mention. I used to hug him ALL THE TIME. I mean ALL THE TIME. And he didn't mind at all. I hugged him from behind. I had my arm wrapped around his waist. I leaned over and kissed his shoulder and once bit his shoulder lol he was surprised but didn't say anything. I wrapped my arms around his body while he was sitting and I was standing behind him. And put my chin on his shoulder and sometimes kissed his head. HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

But after that fateful day,he changed. Into a freakin' douchebag. He started talking about girls and how horny he gets every time a hot girl passes by. He talked about his ex girlfriend and how this one girl in class looks like her and he keeps calling that girl his girlfriend. And he added LOTS of hot girls in Facebook. Even my best friend. He added her before he added me and he didn't even know she's my best friend. That hurt me a little bit. OK a LOT.

We're still close friends though. To be honest... he's not that much of a douchebag. I was just overreacting because of extreme jealousy. He's really sweet sometimes. Like I mentioned before, he's always ask for my help. Well,sometimes I feel like I'm his personal assistant. He'd order me around and check on my progress if I helped him with his work. He said his friend played on him once so he just wanted to make sure it won't happen again. And he'd always ask me to walk with him if he's going anywhere. Only me. I don't mind though since I get to walk with him. Just the two of us. Sometimes we do things just the both of us. Eat,hang out... but the conversations we have outside of class, meaning we're not face to face either texts or chatroom,it's always about work. And one time he sent me like 53 texts in 3 days.. talking about work that wasn't really that complicated. Before that, 40 texts. He is the only guy that I text the most and texts me the most. Ever. In history of texting.

His friends even teased him about us. And he doesn't say anything. Nor does he avoid me. Sometimes it seems like he ignores me... and I would start to ignore him too.. and then he would come over and say "hi".

And ohyeah... HE LIKES TO WATCH CHICKFLICKS! Seriously... he'd always ask me "have you watched [insert chickflick movie title here]? " ok, i dont know if that means he's romantic or he's gay or he just likes the sex scenes.

I dont know if he likes me or not. he is SO confusing. and he'd always ask me "how do I look?". Only me. And I'd help him with his hair. He doesn't mind me playing with his hair either. He told me that there's this girl that he's chasing after on Facebook. But I don't see him interacting with her that much on Facebook. Though he does text her,I've read his texts.. he caught me but wasn't mad. At all.

Wow that was long... please tell me what you think of this situation.. I'm going crazy!!

Clough · Apr 27, 2010, 10:31 PM

Hi, dblack89!

In my opinion, I think that he's the type of person who doesn't like to confront anyone. Also, I think that he finds you extremely easy to get along with and someone who is easy to use.

Does he do things for you? Does he have many other friends? If you're jealous, it's most likely that you're angry. Are you?

It really looks to me like a codependent relationship where you're getting nowhere.

That's my take on it so far.

You didn't ask what to do, so I didn't address that.

Hopefully, others will also come along to add their opinion.

Thanks!

amicon · Apr 27, 2010, 11:40 PM

Seems this guy's been using you and you'd be much better off dropping him,as a friend and as a potential love interest.

dblack89 · Apr 28, 2010, 05:09 AM

I know that he's been using me... and I naively keep telling myself that maybe he just doesn't know what to talk about with me. Since we don't have much in common.

He hasn't done anything for me... yet. And as always I keep myself hopeful. Idiot. (that was to myself)

And he doesn't let me hug him anymore. He didn't get mad or anything.. he'd just slowly move my hand away. Once,he asked me,"are you like this with everyone?" and I said "nope.just you." even after THAT he still doesn't avoid me. I was testing him and that got me hopeful again.

I think his friends know and I think HE knows that I like him. I think. Because they'd be teasing me about him and teasing him about me. I'd play along but he'd just ignore them.

Whenever I'm hanging out with him, we had no problem talking about things other than work. But he would text me only if he needs help. He doesn't ask me to do his work anymore. But he does ask my help sometimes.

He once commented about this one guy, he said something about his hair and that that guy looked good. He used to always say I was good looking too.

Angry? Yes I think I'm angry. I feel used and stupid. But I can't control my feelings for him.

What should I do?

dblack89 · Apr 28, 2010, 05:28 AM

And oyeah... THANKS SO MUCH FOR ANSWERING! I really appreciated it.

mudweiser · Apr 28, 2010, 05:43 AM

Why don't you be straightforward with him? If he wasn't curious he wouldn't have let you kiss him and hug him. Most men I know don't let other guys touch them [unless it wrestling or something "macho"], let alone kiss them.

I would talk to him alone if I were you.

Just tell him how you feel. Chances are he's on the fence that's why he's hot one day and cold the next. Talk to him. He'll probably get mad and not talk to you for a while, but you have to let him go for a bit and he'll come around.

I say let it out, tell him.

dblack89 · Apr 28, 2010, 06:32 AM

I've been planning to tell him. But I keep chickened out. I'm afraid he would end the friendship completely. He does make anti-gay jokes sometimes. Heck,even I do it too though.

I don't think I'm being fair to him right now. He is a nice guy. He's always smiling. I love that about him. His smile just melts me. I hug him,he smiles. I stare at him from far,he puts out his tongue. I bit his shoulder, surprised but he smiled. But he does have a foul mouth. He curses like... well there has never been a day that I didn't hear him curse. I don't like that part of him. But I can get used to it. He's a hard worker too. He's helping his brother with his business. Since he is a Graphic Design student, his brother would ask him to do designs for his company. Now,he was a Business student but he changed because he didn't like it. That's why he keeps asking me for help when it comes to designing stuff since he knows that I'm pretty good at it (^_^). He works hard to get better. I really admire that side of him. And he really is getting better. Heck,he gets better grades than me. Well,except when it comes to Graphic Design subjects and drawing.

I have this best friend right,the girl he added on Facebook, and she's in the same class too. There was this once, she came over to me and hugged me from behind. We laughed and talk for a while then she went back to her seat. He was right behind us and saw everything. After class,we hung out. And he was really quiet and deep in thought. I asked him what's wrong, he said he's fine. The other day, I was hanging out with him and some friends. As I was getting up to go to the restroom,my best friend shouted my name. Really loud. Nobody else turned around but him. He looked at me and her then looked away. I don't know if he's jealous. But it is really weird.

There's so many things that he does that is really weird. He's only like that when I'm around. Or maybe it's just me.

And don't you think it's a little early for me to tell him? We've only become close for 4 months. Before this, we barely talk that much.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 28, 2010, 08:09 AM

Sounds to me like he is having some sexual identity problems, he does not know or want to accept what he is. Or maybe he is curious. But that is his problem not yours.
So you need to ask yourself if you want to be used for his self discovery.
At this point, it's on you. You're the only one who can answer that question

dblack89 · Apr 28, 2010, 02:00 PM

Writing in here really opened my eyes. Now I realize why I love him so much. I've been feeling so lonely. Ever since I finished school,I had a very hard life. I got through depression all by myself. Nobody knew I was depressed not even my family. I was suicidal but I got through it. I'm the kind of person who could never say how he really feels. I'd just bottle it up till it finally just burst out. And it drives me nuts. I never had a relationship before. I've known I was gay ever since I was a kid. And I never had to cover up who I am and get a girlfriend. I like being true to myself. But I've never had a boyfriend either. Had a few special relationship with some of my close guy friends. I was happy.

But now I feel so lonely. I have many great friends around me but it's not the same. I've tried looking for guys online but they're either just interested in one night stands or I get creeped out because I've never been in a relationship with a guy before. Besides,I really don't like not knowing that person in real life and someone who I can't see everyday.

Ugghh.. I'm a complete mess.

Now,I found someone who I really like and really care about. And he seems to return those feelings. But it could just be me imagining things. Again. That's what you get when you're a Graphic Design student; high imagination. I feel hollow inside. I don't know what I should feel. I don't know what I should do. I feel empty. Sometimes I deliberately think about negative things to see how I would feel. I wish I could cry again. Really cry. But I seem to have lost that. I guess my eyes are just tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling lonely all the time. I wish I could find someone I really love and they love me back.

I really want to push this thing I have with him further. But I don't know if it's the right move. To be honest even if we did finally be together I don't think it would last long. Still, would it hurt to try? I guess it will. I miss having someone to love and that thrill you feel for that person.

I don't know what I should do. I feel like I should let him go and be on my way. But deep down I really don't want to. I care about him so much. I wish he knew. Although I try to make it obvious that I really care about him. It's just that, he doesn't really care about me. Ever. He's got his hot girls all over him. I guess he doesn't need me.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 28, 2010, 02:06 PM

Then don't put yourself through that drama.
You already know the answers, heed them. This guy is probably confused himself. You need someone strong and sure. You don't need the blind and confused leading the blind and confused.

There is someone out there for you, but leave this one alone. You are asking for heartache.

I wish you well

dblack89 · Apr 28, 2010, 06:35 PM

Thank you so much for helping me. I really appreciate it,you guys.

I think I'll let him know and just live with whatever the outcome is. To be honest, I never wanted to be in a relationship with him. I only wanted to be his friend. If he let me, maybe his best friend. I guess my feelings got the better of me. Yeah,I do that sometimes. I think about others first rather than myself. It's about time I think for myself.

Thank you for your advice and opinion guys.

Clough · Apr 28, 2010, 08:15 PM

Hi again, dblack89!

Just so you know...

My best male friend is a gay man. We've been friends for decades. He's been there for me during the good times as well as the bad. If I were gay, he would be my lover.

However, I'm not gay and really have no interest in having gay sex. Just not me...

However, he an I do love each other very much! It works!

Having that sort of relationship could work for you and he!

But, please remember, that there's lots of fish in the sea!

Thanks!

dblack89 · Apr 28, 2010, 09:59 PM

Oh wow... cool. I really hope I could have that kind of relationship with him. But I can't help getting really jealous if he starts dating and having a girlfriend. I need to get over my crush first. Ugghh... this is going to be hard.

It's not sex that I want from him though but I don't deny having sexual fantasies about him. I just wanted him to care about me as much as I care about him. But maybe that's too much too ask. How can I make him know that I care about him without really telling him? And I can't get hopeful,can I.

If you don't mind... could you please tell me about you and your friend?

Clough · Apr 29, 2010, 01:02 AM

Originally Posted by dblack89

oh wow....cool. I really hope I could have that kind of relationship with him. But I can't help getting really jealous if he starts dating and having a girlfriend. I need to get over my crush first. Ugghh...this is gonna be hard.

It's not sex that I want from him though but I don't deny having sexual fantasies about him. I just wanted him to care about me as much as I care about him. But maybe that's too much too ask. How can I make him know that I care about him without really telling him? And I can't get hopeful,can I.

If you don't mind...could you please tell me about you and your friend?

What would you like to know, please? We've had a very close relationship since the early 1980's.

You really do need to have that talk with him, you know?

talaniman · Apr 29, 2010, 03:41 PM

I think you put this crush into a better perspective. It sounds like any attention from him feeds a hope in you and maybe your not seeing reality as well as you should. That's usually a sure sign to back up, and pay better attention. I think you yearn to fill a whole in your soul. But he doesn't sound like the one to do it. Don't force this, but eventually you will have to talk and clear the air of fantasy and define any friendship, or anything else based on reality. He does seem to depend on your expertise, and knowledge, though.

Pay attention from a safe distance, EMOTIONALLY!

dblack89 · Apr 29, 2010, 04:32 PM

Originally Posted by Clough

What would you like to know, please? We've had a very close relationship since the early 1980's.

You really do need to have that talk with him, you know?

I feel like I'm being intrusive... but since you don't mind... how did he come out to you? How did you feel afterwards? Did you guys put boundaries or some set rules between yourselves?

And if you could tell me... how should I come out to him? We're in our semester break right now. And he's gone back to his hometown. We won't be seeing each other till June. What should I say to him?

dblack89 · Apr 29, 2010, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

It sounds like any attention from him feeds a hope in you and maybe your not seeing reality as well as you should. Thats usually a sure sign to back up, and pay better attention. I think you yearn to fill a whole in your soul. But he doesn't sound like the one to do it. Don't force this, but eventually you will have to talk and clear the air of fantasy and define any friendship, or anything else based on reality. He does seem to depend on your expertise, and knowledge, though.

Pay attention from a safe distance, EMOTIONALLY!!

You're right. I've been overanalyzing everything. Every little thing he does makes me think he likes me. I feel like that girl from the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" who overanalyzes everything LOL. But she did get the guy in the end. Psshh... that movie did not help me AT ALL.

After not seeing him for a week now, I could see that I was totally overreacting over my feelings for him. But sometimes I do miss him SO MUCH.

dblack89 · Apr 30, 2010, 06:37 PM

Ugghh... for three days straight I dreamed about him. And waking up with a sharp pain in my heart. The first time hurt the most... I miss him.

Clough · Apr 30, 2010, 07:50 PM

Originally Posted by Clough
What would you like to know, please? We've had a very close relationship since the early 1980's.

You really do need to have that talk with him, you know?

Originally Posted by dblack89

I feel like I'm being intrusive... but since you don't mind... how did he come out to you? How did you feel afterwards? Did you guys put boundaries or some set rules between yourselves?

And if you could tell me... how should I come out to him? We're in our semester break right now. And he's gone back to his hometown. We won't be seeing each other till June. What should I say to him?

You're not being intrusive. Although, I won't be spreading my most private thoughts and experiences on an online site. I have no desire to do that, unlike some others might on various sites. Also, I'm one of the few, least anonymous persons on this site. Basically, I'm not anonymous. So, I do need to be careful with everything that I write.

In answer to your questions:

1. How did he come out to me? He never needed to come out to me. I've always known that he was gay, ever since I first began to know him when I was in my early teens. For the most part, it's easy to tell that in guys as well as women who are lesbians as to whether they're straight or not.

At least that's been my experience concerning that sort of thing. I'll bet that your friend already knows that you're gay.

2. How did I feel? He's my friend. I love him as a friend. We share many interests, ideas and feelings about many things. They are commonalities that have helped to draw us together as friends. We accept each other for who and what we are. We are soul mates.

3. Do we set boundaries and/or rules between us? I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that. But, outside of gay sex, there really aren't any strict boundaries or rules. Those sort of things have never been necessary. However, when he has a party that's just for his gay friends, I've never been invited. On the other hand, he has given me jobs playing piano for parties where almost 100% of the guests attending were gay men. And, we're talkin' about BIG parties here! I usually invite him to my parties if they're for a lot of people.

4. How should you come out to him and what should you tell him? Like I've already mentioned, I'll bet that he already knows that you're gay. Obviously, he already accepts it that you are.

You could just mention to him, "I think that you probably know that I'm gay?" Then, you see what he says.

My friend tried to hide his sexuality for decades because of the stigma. It's only been over about the past 15 years that he's become much more comfortable with revealing and living his sexual orientation. I think that it's because he realizes that people accept him for who he is and what he is and aren't, for the most part, going to be judgmental.

Thanks!

dblack89 · May 1, 2010, 06:34 AM

Actually, a lot of my friends have started to think that I'm gay because I never made any effort to cover it up. But if they ask me, I would ignore or avoid the answering it.

I do think he already knows or at least suspects that something is wrong with me... but I'm still afraid of how he might react if I actually made it clear.

Thank you SO much for sharing this. =)