[kutocer]

Hi all and thanks for taking the time to read this.

I've been with Sarah now for close to 10 years, she is 26 this year and I am 30. We have 2 beautiful girls and we both love them dearly. We would never stay together for them as it would be a worse time for us and them.

I've not been the best partner in those years, I looked for other women at one point though I never had any intention of getting with them was just purely looking. For me it was a hard time in my life we had a newborn baby and I didn't see the PND she had and I was selfish and didn't take her feelings in to account for which I deeply regret.

I enjoy playing computer games and I admit that I had spent more time with the PC then her and neglected her feelings. She had opened up to me on a number of times and I didn't take it in at the time and I hurt her by it. She gave me another chance on the last time I did it but said her feelings for me had changed and she wouldn't know if I could change them. At one point after these talks I fell back in to my old gaming routing for a night and she was upset by it and I did a really stupid thing and ignored her for 3 days after I assumed it was over (I know assumption is the mother of all F*** up’s) she talked to me 3 days later and I begged her for another chance as I do love her. Well nearly 2 months ago she told me they hadn't changed and that she wanted a break. Now I don't agree with a break and was very reluctant to do it but to show her how much I am in love with her I told her I would do it to show her how much I want us to work.

I am due to move out at the end of the month and go on a month by month break, I've told her I am not going to give up on her and I am madly in love with her and will do anything to be with her. I understand that her feelings have changed and I want to show her how much she really means to me and how sorry I am for my actions over the past and that while I did those stupid things I did love her, she tells me how could I have loved her if I did those things for which I cannot explain. I know I have broken her heart but I want to show her that I can make her happy and be the man that she deserves.
I've never been one to open up my feelings to others something which she has said before so I'm on here to get advice on what I should do as right now. I’ve let my emotions get the better off me and have accused her of being with another man which I know she wouldn’t and which I’m not happy with my actions over that. I told her that if she is to take me back my gaming days are over and that I would be fully committed heart and soul to her and the girls.
I know I have to show her I can change to become the better partner and father to my beautiful girls and I do believe she still loves me though she says she loves me but not in love with me but I think she is telling herself that not to get hurt by me again and I’m clinging on to this as I believe we can work it out but I am scared that I have lost her forever and I am deeply in love with her and will do anything for Sarah.

Thanks for reading.

Karl


Also she says she is numb to the love I'm showing her and won't let me get close to her at all not even a hug.

[amicon]

So she was 16 when the two of you got together?

That's very young and she's since given birth twice,had PND and now she wants a break,and isn't in love with you anymore,though she says she loves you.

You admit to not treating her the way she deserves to be treated,and now 'you want to change'.

Change doesn't happen overnight.

And you should want to change for yourself,not to get your partner back.

Your priority must be your children.

What sort of arrangements have you agreed upon as regards your daughters?

Have you discussed counseling?

[kutocer]

She would like me to go to Relate and then she said she would join me in going as well. At the moment it will be a min of a 2week NC break and then will discuss about the girls.

I understand change doesn't happen over night and which is why I'm willing to give her a break to show her I can change. I was changing and showing her how much she meant to me but her feelings didn't change within that time and which is why she is calling for a break to be free from me and getting a better understanding of herself which to me is a break up not just a break but I'm willing to do what she wants to make her happy.

Thank you for your reply.

Karl

[amicon]

Relate do individual therapy and couples,though if you start by going on your own,you might not be able to see the same therapist if you then decide to go for couples .

Check that out with your local Relate.

I understand your going NC with your partner,but two weeks without their dad is a long separation for two little girls.

[sully123]

Don't punish your girls for the two of you what your going through. It's not fair to them. Your first concern should be those children, then the two of you.

[kutocer]

The 2 weeks isn't my idea it's what she would like. I've told her I want to see them everyday but she needs time away from me and my hours of work don't allow me to finish and then take them out. I finish at 5:40 and around 5-6 they have dinner and by that time of the day they are shattered from the day as they are both very busy little ladies.

[amicon]

Could you take them to school in the mornings?

And spend time with them over the weekends?

Children are quick to take the blame when their parents fall out, and they need to know that you are still there for them.

[kutocer]

Mornings they start at 8:30 and I've already started work. The weekends depend on her and what she has planned for them.

The hardest thing for me is that I'm due to move out next weekend and its my eldest 6th Birthday a week on Monday.

[amicon]

Try working something out so that you can see your daughter on her birthday.

Don't allow them to be pig in the middle in this.

[kutocer]

We are going out for her Birthday which will be very hard for me to see Sarah but I will be strong for my daughter. After that I don't know it's all down to Sarah.

[talaniman]

Kids in the mix makes break ups that much harder. But to be honest, they will probably take this easier than either adult will. So I think from now on, your focus is the relationship between you and your kids going forward, and see the one with your girlfriend, over and done with, just so you can focus on yourself and your healing, and rebuilding, and not kissing her butt, because you think that's the way to get her back.

[sully123]

I agree with Tal,do for yourself and those little girls. Put her on the back burner for now. The start is with the children. Take it from there, and maybe just maybe she will rethink things also.

[kutocer]

She is letting me go over every 2-3 days to see them. I was there after my eldest finished school and it was very hard for me to be around Sarah. I feel very lost at the moment but I want to better myself for the girls, Sarah and most off all myself. She does keep saying its just a break that she needs to see me change and to find her feelings.

[Homegirl 50]

I can understand her wanting to find herself. She has been involved with you since she was a teen and now she has two kids. She probably has no clue as to who she is. And if you have been a creep, well a person can only take so much.
Unfortunately there are children in the mix. It's good that you two understand the kids need to see you. So you be there for your kids and do not pressure her.
I don't know how things will go with her, she may decide she loves you and wants to be with you or that she wants out, but it is a decision she needs to make without pressure from you.

If you feel you need to change your ways and become more understanding, do it. Do it because it will make you a better person and father. Whether she comes back or not, you will have grown. And that's a plus.

I wish you well.

[kutocer]

I treated the girls and Sarah to a Indian last night and after the girls went to bed Sarah and I laid on the sofa and fell asleeep together on the sofa then in the middle of the night moved to her bed.
Nothing happened and I didn't want it to, All I've taken is that this can work. If she didn't want it to work she would have not have let me sleep with her. It was a good nights sleep, I hadn't slept like that in over 2months and its made me late for work.

I've shown her that I can change, it's still going to take a long time but I am showing her. She knows that I will give up my PC and gaming for her and the girls and to better myself as when I look back over the years is done nothing for me in terms of real life achviments and it no longer interests me

[Homegirl 50]

I hope for yours and the sake of your family that there will be a positive end to this. I hate to see families fall apart. These young girls need their dad and they need to see how relationship work the right way.
Don't pressure her and don't wait until you think she may come back to change, begin now, rid yourself of those things that were problems.
Keep us posted.

[kutocer]

I am ridding those things that were problems. I believe she is very much scared of giving me her heart again only for me to break it again. Well I can understand that and will take my time with her and show her that I can change, have changed to make all our live's better.

[88sunflower]

You have to realize change is forever. Its an on going job you have to keep working at and be committed to.

May I ask what was so great about gaming that you pushed aside three beautiful human beings that need and wanted your love? Was it worth it? Would you be willing to not have a PC in the house for as long as it takes. With a computer in the house you may be tempted and sucked back in.

Are you married? Well either way she was 16 when she started dating you. She has also mothered two children now. You may one day find that she does want the break to find herself. She was still learning and growing when she met you. She may realize the older "her" isn't in love with you any more and that's the chance you have to take.

Whatever comes of it those kids need to be put first. You don't take a "break" from kids. You stay in contact and be there for them no matter what. There are no excuses. You find and make the time.

[kutocer]

I'm ready to give the PC up all together. My gaming took most of my time and I let it. No it was not worth it at all and I deeply regret it. Since moving out on Monday I've not done any gaming what so ever and have been on these boards a lot to learn how to deal with the situation I've only myself to blame for.
I've suggested to her when we had fights before about me getting rid of it to show her but she said she didn't want me to do that as it was a part of me and I was sucked back in to my old ways with it there and I know it was wrong. As I said before she right now does not want to gamble with her heart and I have to prove that I have changed.
I do know change is forever and I never want to go back to that person I was.

[Homegirl 50]

It sounds as though you are on the right track and I wish you the very best.
This may take some time though so be prepared but don't give up.
There is a lot at stake but you also have a lot to gain either way.