[nkk23]

My husband says he doesn't find me attractive. We have been married for just about a year. We we got married he thought that thought I looked OK, I had other qualities that he wanted in a spouse. He thought that he will grow to like me. However, one year down the line... he hasn't been able to get over it. He is a caring man... but this is bothering him too much.
He says he can't find me physically attarctive. Says I am tooshort (5ft 2in and he is 5ft 10in). Its just the chemistry. I am trying very hard to so stuff he likes... like clothes, shoes, my hair style. But I can't change everything. I can't lose myself in it. He is very depressed and so am I. what should we do?

[JudyKayTee]

Are you in the US?

I would suspect no matter what you do this abusive man is not going to be happy - he's undoubtedly unhappy with himself, not you, but you are the one he's picking to pieces.

Why do you stay and why are you trying so hard to please him?

In what respects is he a "caring" man because I'm not seeing that.

I would be worried if I were you that I would get sick, get in an accident, somehow physically change and he would walk away.

[Cat1864]

Why did you marry him?

[Jake2008]

I get the impression that you were aware of the fact that he did not love you when you married him. Maybe both of you thought that being married would eventually turn into love, and a loving relationship.

Fair enough. But it hasn't. A year has past and you have (superficially) changed your appearance and tried to please him. It hasn't worked.

A loveless marriage for whatever reason, is not going to change. The foundation grows from love, and that foundation makes life worthwhile, and as time goes on, also gives you strength together to face the challenges and hard times.

The communiction here is so out of whack. While you try so hard to please him, and make yourself into someone you aren't in order to be loved, is not how you find happiness. Him knowing that he doesn't love you for who you are, will see him continuously finding fault, or staying stuck in the same place.

If you can't move forward together and find a more meaningful level to your marriage than him not finding you attractive, then what's the point.

Before yourself esteem is completely demolished, it might be time to consider your options. Or maybe you already have.

[Gemini54]

He doesn't like you because you're too short?

From what you've said it seems that your husband wants to put all the blame for what's wrong in the marriage entirely on to you - you're not tall enough, you don't have the physical qualities he likes, etc, etc.

He may well be depressed, and he may well be caring - but he needs a reality check. He's the one that's creating this situation by not being honest with you.

The fact is that he actually doesn't want to be in the marriage and he's using your supposed lack of attractiveness and height as an excuse.

Ask him to stop making excuses and to stop making you responsible for what's wrong with him. Ask him to be honest and not waste your time and his in a farce of marriage.

Once you have his answer, if he's man enough to do it, then you can decide what to do with your life.

[Devorameira]

Don't try to change yourself to suit him. There's nothing wrong with you in the least. He's the one with the problem. Don't allow his crappy comments to harm your self-esteem.

There are plenty of other men out there that would adore you... leave him!

[Shadowburn]

OMG, this is the most stupid excuse that man can come up with. Being only 5'10", he is the short one here, not you! 5'2" is very slightly below average, and it's totally OK for a woman to be petite - you can wear 4" heels without your man actually feeling humiliated.
After only 1 year of marriage and having no kids - I'd walk out. Because couple years down the road he'll start having affairs and it all will be your fault too - you're only 5'2", so what do expect, you know?? Meanwhile you'll waste years of your life cooking, cleaning, perfecting yourself and trying to earn his love and approval - not happening, sista.

But this man is full of it (shaking my head here)...

[JudyKayTee]

You find a man 5'10" to be short?

Otherwise - agree.

[DoulaLC]

Did you know when you married him that he was not overly attracted to you and hoped it would improve because of the qualities he did like? Did you hope his feelings would change once you were married? If this is the case I'd say he has been honest with you.

Regardless, he thought he would grow to find you more attractive, but that hasn't happened. He loved you and married you for the qualities he thought were enough. No doubt there are a number of people who marry someone because of other qualities they find appealing in a spouse even if they don't particularly find them overly physically attractive... or the chemistry just isn't there like they thought it would be. The comment about your height may have merely been something he was trying to give you as a specific reason... but with chemistry there often is no specific reason... it just is or isn't there. Plenty of beautiful women and men find their relationships end.

Did you make the changes for him because he asked you to or because you thought that might make his feelings change? There is a difference between the two.

Better he has realized the mistake in how he thought his feelings would change and told you now than later. Painful to be sure, but as has been said, there is no point in staying in a relationship that is not mutually positive and no amount of changing yourself will alter that. Again, chemistry is either there or it isn't.

I know this was from about a month ago, I hope you have been able to come to terms with this and make some positive changes for yourself.

[talaniman]

He has a problem you don't, so don't take it personally, just leave him, and let him deal with his own issues.

Why suffer for his issues??

[Devorameira]

He's got some real problems and he'll always blame you for everything in life that goes wrong.

Why are you staying with someone who makes you feel so unloved? I'd be packing my bags and moving out.

[jmjoseph]

I think that he is rude, insensitive, presumptious, selfish, hateful and undeserving.

He should be left alone to look at magazines of the beautiful girls that he THINKS that he could actually be with.

Never in a million years would I tell my wife that I wasn't attracted to her.

This must be devastating for you to deal with.

HE is the one. HE is the problem.

Does he think that you are a car, or piece of lawn equipment? Does he think that he can trade you in for another model?

You should reach down inside of your heart and soul, and figure out what it is that makes you think so little of yourself as to be treated this way.

No, I don't think that you should one more thing in the quest for him to "like" you, or find you "attractive".

He is simply not worth the trouble.

Go be happy.

I wish you the best.

[KateoZ]

I know its been a long while since you have asked this questions. I really hope that you left that selfish guy. I got married and had same issues and 4 years into the marriage I am not happy. I constantly feel the need to impress him and I am not happy at all. I am way more depressed than I thought I would. I cry and cry. Every couPle of months he reminds about how ugly and how unhappy he is with my appearances... I hope you left thAt selfish guy and I hope you are not dangling in your marriage searching for happiness