[bella99]

Totally agree with Vanheart - even though the system won't let me!

[talaniman]

Stay with your own healing Bill, your next romance will be much better. So much better I can guarantee that you, like others before you, will be back to tell us how much better you feel.

If a lousy text can upset you now and confuse and befuddle your thinking, just imagine what going back to the same misery will be like.

No she hasn't changed, but she is getting desperate, and if you can hold out through this pressure she is applying, you will have turned a corner, and see she ain't what you think.

[BillRoland]

Unbelievable! So, I was running errands this morning and I ran into her at the teller in line. I've never seen her at this bank? Although there are very few in the part of downtown we live in and I know she banks there.

We said hello. She asked me how I was doing, I said fine. Asked about my sister and family and me hers. I tried to cut the conversation as short as possible and ended up ackwardly pretending to take a call on my cell phone and walk out after I was finished without waiting for her. But not before she said, "I miss you". And for some reason, "I responded, yeah I miss you too". What was I thinking?

So, after work today I get an email, "It was good to talk to you. If you are free sometime, I would like to see you.".

At this point I guess I've already broken all the NC progress from seeing her this morning and speaking with her. Damm! So, now what? Go back to NC? I can't shake the feeling that she is being geniune, but again all I can think about is how she was the one that didn't want to be with me and thought I wasn't good enough after 5+ years, has been putting me through on again off again emotional torture by refusing to stop contacting me and then when I responded shoving it in my face. I just can't imagine, no matter how much I want them to be, things could ever be the same as before. I feel like even if I saw her and we got along I would be setting myself up for the same hearache all over again. Maybe not?

I guess, the safest bet at this point is to go back to NC - but now it makes me look like I'm playing games since I've already spoken to her.

[Homegirl 50]

If you want to talk to her, go ahead, but be prepared if you don't get the results you want.
You probably are not going to move on until you do, so do it but take the rose colored glasses off.

[talaniman]

Actually Bill, you did quite well, as the stickies say, when you bump into them in public, be polite but unavailable for any deep conversations, so the phone call thing was shear genius. Well done, as that's not a breach of NC!! Follow that up with continued NC! Your good to go. I love it.

The feelings may have been stirred up by seeing her, but let it pass, by not dwelling on any small mistakes.

"I responded, yeah I miss you too". What was I thinking?

Nothing but an automatic reply. Means nothing.

And thanks for making my day! :);):D

[amicon]

A round of applause-your fake phonecall made me laugh-well done!

Keep going,you're getting there.

[vanheart]

Thank god for those fake cell phone calls!!

Ive pulled that one a few times. Hehehe.

Nice one. At least you got that one over with. Phew. Good NC milestone.

[BillRoland]

Damm, I was doing so good. Then this morning I woke up and all I could think about was her and how she said she missed me and wanted to see me. I kept thinking I can't imagine my life without this person in it. I thought, maybe I just needed to see her one more time to get some sort of closure and maybe I would be able to tell in person if she really was heartbroken and wanted me back or was just playing games. Then I could move on with my life if I had to.

So, I emailed her this morning simply saying, "I will meet you for lunch today". She responded immediately, "I'll meet you tonight if you take me to see Ben Folds Five" - a band that is playing here at the House of Blues. Which is sold out, but I do happen to have tickets.

So, again without thinking, I said, give me a reason why I should take you. And she responded, "I would like to see you". So I said, OK.

Now I know this may be a disaster and will end up having to start NC again all over. But why would she want to see me tonight, she could go with anyone to the concert? She doesn't need to use me to get tickets?

And, now that I've broken NC she already knows that I want to see her. So, I guess I am going to meet her and will play it cool - no talk about feelings, reasons for breaking up, the past, etc. Just try to have a good time and see if there is any connection left, if not, KNOW I have to move on.

Just like Showme_uremove, I have a feeling this girl knows she can pull strings and get whatever she wants. She'll run hot and say she loves me, misses me and wants to see me. And in a matter of days, she'll change her mind, and I'll be back here starting NC all over again. This would have been so much easier if I hadn't dated her for over five years.

[vanheart]

"and I'll be back here starting NC all over again"

Yup.

[amicon]

You're thinking with your broken heart-not your head.

Closure?
No,that's what you get within yourself when you realize its over and start moving on.

This is false hope.

Why prolong this rollercoaster ride?

[Homegirl 50]

You are not ready for NC because you are not ready to let her go. You are still looking for reasons to hang on.
My bet is you'll go out with her, it won't be what you wanted it to be and you'll be starting NC once again, not to help yourself, but to get back at her, hoping she will feel bad enough to come back to you.
Is this what you really want?

[BillRoland]

Well, you were all right. But so was I.

I went and I know now without a doubt she is done with me. Not sure why she would want to go with me, not sure why she has been saying she missed me, etc. all this time, but I know from everything she said and how she acted - she's moved on. At first it felt like the biggest crushing blow I have ever felt. How could this person not love me anymore after 5 years? But it also gave me closure. I know now that no matter how many times she contacts me or what she says, it is done. I will maintain NC now no matter what - because before I had a false hope. But now, I realize any of that stuff she does - is only false or leftover emotions. And, it actually feels kind of good to be able to move on with my life - and excited at the anticipation that one day, hopefully, there will be someone better out there for me. Because, honestly, and Homegirl this is not coming out of anger, she is a giant b***** and our marriage would have been a disaster. If I had really wanted to marry her, I could have done it 2 years ago. But something said not to. I guess I was only holding on because I was so used to her and upset at the fact that someone didn't think I was good enough for them.

So, here's to day 1 of NC the right way.

[vanheart]

Good for you man, congrats.

Painful yes, but now you have the closure to REALLY go NC.

Rock it. It going to be rough at times, but just remember who the most important person in your life is.

Do I need to tell you?

Man, I know that despair & feeling like someone doesn't want me. Those feelings are the worst, Ive shed lots of tears over that.

But in reality its done. Glad you came to that.

What's left is in our heads & how to cope in this healing process. It different for everyone. But what's the same is the process. To be better.

For me, I went NC right off, & its going on a year now.

Everyone gets there closure one way or another. Its just a matter of recognition, your will to change and how happy you want to be.

Nice one. How was the band?

[BillRoland]

Well, it's day one of NC for the second time and just lke starting all over again. All the feelings of constant sadness and despair, like your heart was ripped out, are back just like the day it went down the first time. The feeling that you are completely alone in this world and that you will never find someone else.

I feel like all I want to do is call her and ask her why? Why tell me you still loved me and missed me? Why say you wanted to see me? Why continue to contact me and string me along when you new it was over?

But I won't. Because I already know the answer. She just wanted to know that I was still not over her and she was playing games to do it. That I would drop what I was doing to cater to her. And that she was still in control. People can be selfish and brutal.

Let this be a lesson to all those of you whose x contacts them into NC after asking for a break. Don't buy into it. It only causes twice as much pain.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will not be this bad.

[amicon]

You've learned your lesson.

Tough as it is,you can move on now ,one day at the time.

Tomorrow will be a better day-if you allow it to be.

[BillRoland]

Ready for the kicker? After basically telling me last night at the concert that she wasn't romantically interested in me anymore and she still wanted to move on with her life (I didn't bring it up, she just started talking about it), I get a txt message from her tonight saying: "I had a good time last night. I hope to see you again soon."

No chance I will respond. But almost guarantees I'll be hearing from her in the near future as soon as she realizes I've moved on. Women!

[amicon]

Its not a woman thing,it's a manipulatorthing.

Ignore forever-time to either block her number or change yours.

[BillRoland]

Oh my god, I just got the following email unprovoked: "I am sorry I said those things about being over you last night. I'm not. I was just worried that it would make things more difficult. I hope it didn't upset you. I had a good time at the concert with you."

Instead of replying I am going use my time reading the dictionary definitions of "indecisive" and "manipulation".

[talaniman]

Don't blame it on her. That would not be fair, nor accurate. I think the point of this whole experience is that you recognize the misery and pain you caused yourself, by having some very poor coping skills of your own feelings.

The thing is you will have gained experience, and knowledge of yourself that you can use in the future, and not let yourself be led through this emotional drama again.

You may not see that clearly now, as its easy to blame her for your own gullibility, and emotional needs (closure UGH the biggest excuse in the world, to hold on to false hope!), and strong attachments that have to be positively dealt with. As the dust settles it will come to you, to late for now, but something you won't forget when you go through it again. You will know better how to deal with similar circumstances.

[BillRoland]

So, an update, and not a good one.

After going to the concert with the x and her in not so many words telling me that she didn't want a relationship anymore and me thinking she was trying to keep me on the back burner or as a friend. But then the next day, her emailing me that "she was sorry she acted that way, because she was worried it would make things more difficult". I didn't respond. She continued to contact me, starting with an email that said "I want to see you again" and after me further not responding changing to sarcastic "Thanks for responding!" and "Just ignore me!"

Two days passed with nothing from her, but then one morning I woke up and without thinking emailed her first thing upon arriving at work because I felt like I had to get it off my chest and she was sending me mixed signals. I said, "Lindsay, I'm sorry I just can't be your friend right now".

She immediately responded, "I never said I wanted to be friends. I would like to see you."

So, being somewhat caught off guard thinking (what does she want if she doesn't want to be my friend?) I asked her to meet me for lunch that day and she did.

Things were actually good; we ate and only talked about present day stuff, not bringing up the past.

Eventually she brought "us" up and said that it made her sad to think that this is how things are. I told her that being single has it benefits and that its not all bad being able to do whatever you want whenever you want. So maybe that it is good that we are taking time to find ourselves because you never know what can happen in the future.

She said that she has just been trying to keep busy with school and her new business and not think about it. But that it made her mad that I wouldn't respond to her and she felt like I was only contacting her when it was a good time for me. She made a few statements about how she was not dating anyone but that many guys were interested in her or that she had guys that she was talking to. She then, in so many words, said that based on the current situation, it is just not possible for her and I to be in a relationship. She said something about how us hanging out together is difficult because if we start dating someone else serious that they will not like us being together. But immediately after saying that she kept making passing references to us formerly being together and spending every night together and asking me if I missed it. I don't know if she was saying these things to test me - which I know she has done in the past - or to get a reaction out of me or if she meant them?

We went to a park after lunch and kissed. Initiated I think by me, but reciprocated many times by her. We held hands and kissed for almost an hour.

Shortly after getting back to work, I got an email from her saying "Thanks for seeing me, it was good to see you".

So, knowing that it was her that asked for the break and trying to give her the time she wanted, I didn't respond to her email and decided to wait for her to contact me next. I thought if she really wanted to see me again she would contact me.

Six days passed and I didn't hear one word from her and I didn't contact her. I know she is stubborn and said she was mad that I only contacted her when it was good for me, but nothing?

Eventually yesterday it got the best of me. I send her a text message saying "I was thinking about you today". It's been 24 hours since I sent the text and she hasn't responded?

What do you make of all of this? I know I should have stayed NC, but I kept getting these mixed signals from her and she said she didn't want to be my friend, so why keep contacting me and asking to see me? Then the kissing but saying that based on the sitaution we can't be in a relationship? Is she playing games with me? Or does she think I'm playing games with her and now not contacting me to spite me?

The truth is, I'm just not over her - she's all I can think about and I just try to do things to distract myself. And after 20+ years of dating many many women (some for over a year) honestly believe that I have never met anyone even as close to compatible as we are/were. I have two beautiful women that have been asking me out on dates this week, but when I talk to them all I can think about is how they don't even come close to comparing to my x.