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Gemini54 · Apr 12, 2010, 03:41 PM

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

ugh i don't know why i bother with him i explained every thing and i told him i needed a therapist cause this is bigger then us and i don't think we can deal with it on our own so what does he do freaks out telling me im not trying and i refuse his help and wont go find a therapist for myself.

I'm so sorry that it worked out like this. Why do you think he freaked out? What help of his does he think you are you refusing?

The fact that you're talking about it means that you ARE trying and he must know that you're feeling distressed about it.

Would he be prepared to go to counselling with you?

Caroljj90 · Apr 12, 2010, 03:49 PM

He says he'd go with me. His way of dealing with things is pushing me and pushing me and pushing me till I do something he thinks will work because he seems to know me better! HE'S A ING IDIOT I think I know what works for me and pushing myself to do stuff I'm not comfortable with doesn't make me more comfortable with them. WEIRD how that one works!

Synnen · Apr 12, 2010, 03:51 PM

Pushing you to do things you are not comfortable with is NOT a good thing.

It's VERY bad.

Especially for someone recovering from sexual assault.

Get to a counselor, and drag his butt with you---he's WRONG about this, and pushing you to do something you are not comfortable with is just another form of abuse.

Gemini54 · Apr 12, 2010, 04:01 PM

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

he says he'd go with me. his way of dealing with things is pushing me and pushing me and pushing me till i do something he thinks will work because he seems to know me better! HE'S A ING IDIOT i think i know what works for me and pushing myself to do stuff i'm not comfortable with doesn't make me more comfortable with them. WEIRD how that one works!

I'm wondering if this dynamic between you is what is contributing to you feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment during sex.

This doesn't sound healthy to me at all.

Don't allow yourself to be pushed or bullied. I'd back off having sex with him for a while or talking to him until you feel calmer.

I'd also be suggesting that you may need to re-evaluate how good this relationship is for you. Do you really need to have someone like this in your life right now?

Caroljj90 · Apr 12, 2010, 04:22 PM

He says I'm not telling you the whole story and is getting mad about it. He pushes me to change in front of him and shower with him and have sex with the lights on cause he thinks it will help with my self-esteem issues when all it really does is embarrass me and give me bad flash backs of the past which end up making me hate myself. Also here's part of our conversation at the moment:Carol: all I have for you right now is a small loving memory for how I thoguh things were and a ton of resentment for all your crap and abuse
*thought
Boyfriend:you have that because you're mad at me because I tried to basically grab you by the shoulders and tell you to face your problems

Synnen · Apr 12, 2010, 04:41 PM

Is he a licensed counselor? Is he YOU? Is he LISTENING to you when you tell him what you are not comfortable with?

No?

Then he's not doing what is best for YOU. He's doing what he would tell someone to do if they had a problem they were ignoring, or a problem that was more easily solved. For instance--forcing someone to look at how their procrastination and constantly being late affects those around them by not helping with homework at the last minute, or not being at the bar at 8 when you were meeting at 7--that's quite a bit different.

Having you do something you are not comfortable with after abuse, and FORCING you into it when you're not ready--that's like curing someone of their fear of heights by pushing them out of an airplane.

Synnen · Apr 12, 2010, 04:52 PM

Bottom line is this: If you can go to a counselor together so that he can LEARN, from a professional, how to help you--then he's really willing to help.

BUT--he has to be willing to listen to you, and he has to understand that HE DOES NOT KNOW what is best for YOU. He's not the expert here, and he needs to back the heck down.

If he can't do that, then he may not be a good person to be important in your life right now.

He needs to understand that he can not FIX you.

Caroljj90 · Apr 12, 2010, 05:02 PM

I broke up with him this 9months of arguing and pushing and crap have drove me crazy and made all the good things seem not worth it.

Gemini54 · Apr 12, 2010, 09:56 PM

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

I broke up with him this 9months of arguing and pushing and crap have drove me crazy and made all the good things seem not worth it.

Sorry again; things seem to be accelerating since you posted this thread, but maybe it's for the best?

Sounds like his behavior is exacerbating your bad feelings rather than improving them...

Take a break for a while and see what happens - seems like he has his own problems to face!

Larken85 · Apr 13, 2010, 02:29 AM

Good for you carol. He makes you take showers with him and dress in front of him. Doesn't sound like he is trying to boost your esteem at all, sounds like he is trying to get a show. Then he makes you make love with the light on? Bull crap, if you are not comfortable with that then he better dang well respect it. He needs to get a big load of being a gentlemen before one of his partners smacks him in the face.

Who the he!l does he think he is anyway? Your master? I don't freakin think so, and you know what, I can imagine why it would dredge up old memories.

Good for you for getting rid of Mr. Insensitive and just all around keep him away. He doesn't deserve the gift you give him, especially not love making when it is potentially mentally dangerous for you.

Caroljj90 · Apr 13, 2010, 02:36 AM

Well he didn't make me shower with him and stuff he pushed and pushed to try and get me to I had to really put my foot down before he'd drop it but still I didn't think it should be that way I do think he was trying to help he just sucks at it. And he's now joining our website.. says he's coming on to find help on how to get over me and stuff so.. anyway I can totally remove old posts and questions so he doesn't go around trying to find stuff out about me he said he won't but I don't believe him.

Larken85 · Apr 13, 2010, 02:47 AM

I would have never told him you were here in the first place. I would hope that he does not know your exact screen name. I am sure that you can change it if you wish. Make it harder for him to know everything. The inner workings of you mind are not his business.

Yes it does sound like he sucks at helping, maybe his heart was in the right place, but he needs to know how to handle these situations better and connect to you better. Without compassion for your situation he cannot make things work between the two of you at all.

He needs to understand that all things take time, sometimes they take several years, sometimes the problems never fully go away. He needs to learn patients and he needs to learn not to try so hard to make people feel better than they can at the moment. Forcing a good feeling is really just playing the part.

Cat1864 · Apr 13, 2010, 04:57 AM

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

and hes now joining our website..says he's coming on to find help on how to get over me and stuff so..anyway i can totally remove old posts and questions so he doesn't go around trying to find stuff out about me he said he wont but i don't believe him.

You can't change your current screen name and posts aren't deleted. Understand that he doesn't have to join to read what you have written.

If he says you aren't telling us the full story is that from what you have told him you said here or has he already read what you wrote?

Realistically, have you said anything here that you haven't tried to tell him face to face?

Larken85 · Apr 13, 2010, 06:17 AM

Uh oh, you can't change your screen name? I really should have picked one I use less... crap

ohsohappy · Apr 13, 2010, 08:41 AM

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

I broke up with him this 9months of arguing and pushing and crap have drove me crazy and made all the good things seem not worth it.

I think what you did was for the best hun. He may have had good intentions, or at least though he did, but he was making things worse for you. And I have a feeling that deep down, he was actually doing these things for selfish reasons. If he had REALLY cared and understood your situation he would NEVER EVER EVER try to force you to do something that you weren't comfortable. It's commen sense that someone who's been abused can't just "get over it" by doing the things that had happened to them or reminded them of what happened to them. Forcing ANYONE to do something that they aren't comfortable with is abuse, and the person can lose trust in people and have low self esteem. I think you are right by breaking up with him, you really don't need the added stress. You're trying to cope with your past, not reinact it.

Caroljj90 · Apr 13, 2010, 04:21 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

You can't change your current screen name and posts aren't deleted. Understand that he doesn't have to join to read what you have written.

If he says you aren't telling us the full story is that from what you have told him you said here or has he already read what you wrote?

Realistically, have you said anything here that you haven't tried to tell him face to face?

I gave him bits of it because he didn't understand what I was saying to him so I told him what some of you guys said to me then he asked what I told you all and he complained I didn't tell you about his past and our feelings for each other and stuff.

Cat1864 · Apr 13, 2010, 05:38 PM

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

i gave him bits of it because he didn't understand what i was saying to him so i told him what some of you guys said to me then he asked what i told you all and he complained i didn't tell you about his past and our feelings for each other and stuff.

So, you have pretty much tried to tell him what you have told us. Then, what does it matter if he reads it on here?

Be yourself and keep posting as you feel you need to. We will continue to give you the best advice we can.

Don't worry about what he might do or read on here. If he does join, he has to abide by the same rules we all do. If he tries to cause you problems, it will be handled.

Good luck. :)

Caroljj90 · Apr 13, 2010, 07:05 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

So, you have pretty much tried to tell him what you have told us. Then, what does it matter if he reads it on here?

Be yourself and keep posting as you feel you need to. We will continue to give you the best advice we can.

Don't worry about what he might do or read on here. If he does join, he has to abide by the same rules we all do. If he tries to cause you problems, it will be handled.

Good luck. :)

I'm not worried about him reading this thread I have others I don't want him reading

smoothy · Apr 14, 2010, 05:01 AM

Fact of life... once its on the internet... its never going away.

Everything is cached someplace else... and even if a site pulls content, it lives on in those caches they have no control over.

I can pull up content from 10 plus years ago from sites that haven't existed in years...

Caroljj90 · Apr 18, 2010, 04:03 PM

Ugh well we tried just being friends but stuff fell through I told him my true thoughts on something he didn't like what I had to say he blew up now we're not talking and probably won't for a long time.