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Caroljj90 · Apr 10, 2010, 04:19 PM

I'm having a bit of an issue again it seems to show up every now and then and I'm not sure why. Can anyone help me get over these feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassed after intimacy? Is it because of past abuse or something else? And how the hell do I get over it or get rid of it? Your not supposed to feel that way so why do I?:confused:
It's become so bad that it happens during the act I start to feel uncomfortable the feeling is hard to explain I just hate it! I feel this way sometimes during the act or just after and even when remembering it. I hate it I thought I was over this.:(

justcurious55 · Apr 10, 2010, 05:23 PM

Is there something specific that triggers those feelings? Or is it just intimacy in general? Are you being intimate with a long time partner? Is this a new partner that you're having these feelings with?

Have you tried talking with a counselor?

Caroljj90 · Apr 10, 2010, 07:57 PM

Uh we've been dating for 9 months so I guess not that long term but it happens with every one I'm intimate with. It didn't bug me that much at first but its getting worse after he did something that reminded me of something that happened in the past.

justcurious55 · Apr 10, 2010, 08:05 PM

I'm going to guess whatever it is he did to remind you of the past is what's making it worse. Have you tried talking about what's happened in your past before? Sometimes talking about things make them easier to deal with.

Caroljj90 · Apr 10, 2010, 08:10 PM

I told him about it and I told him what he did reminded me off it and bugged me... but I still shudder thinking about it now. Well we didn't have a big talk about it guess he didn't think much of it at the time I'll have to bring it up again.

justcurious55 · Apr 10, 2010, 08:13 PM

And have you tried counseling for yourself? Are you open to trying it?

Caroljj90 · Apr 10, 2010, 08:15 PM

Yes I was in counseling for 3 years. And I'm in a help group called women survivors of childhood sexual assault. I don't have a job right now so I can't pay for counseling other wise I'd still be in it.

Gemini54 · Apr 10, 2010, 08:51 PM

Can I be honest with you? I shuddered when I read your signature...

The sun has failed The moon is dead The world deceased The writing rules unread The flowers wilted The color's faded The paths untread The animals have all vacated The world has come The world has gone All the damage has been done The world is dead And we're at fault Consequence all life has come to a halt!

It's just a question, and clearly you've had some difficult sexual experiences in the past, but how does this pessimistic approach to life substantially enrich your day-to-day life, your interactions with people and your sexual experiences?

Guilt, shame and embarrassment are outcomes of you feeling that you're to blame for what originally happened, and that there is something wrong with you. If, as a consequence, you then believe that there is something wrong with the world, then you're never going to believe that you're OK in the world (or with people, or with sex).

I'm sorry, I know that I'm not really answering your question directly, but I feel that there is something deeper at play here, and it involves how you think about and respond to the world around you.

I think that your responses during and after sex will be difficult to shift unless you make a bigger shift in how you view the world. I'm not saying that it will be easy either, but perhaps it's worth thinking about?

Caroljj90 · Apr 10, 2010, 08:55 PM

.. that's a poem I wrote a few years back. Its not a personal belief my friend mentioned I should take it down in-case people got a bad idea based on it. I have a better out look on life now then I did back then.

ohsohappy · Apr 10, 2010, 09:06 PM

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

..that's a poem i wrote a few years back. its not a personal belief my friend mentioned i should take it down in-case people got a bad idea based on it. i have a better out look on life now then i did back then.

You know, even though it's depressing I thought it was beautiful too. But Gemini has a point. I hope you really do have a better outlook on life. Maybe it would help you to begin seeing a therapist again. And possibly bring your boyfriend every once and a while. This way maybe he can better understand your feelings. And you can better understand them yourself. I'm learing something in my psychology about Irrational core beliefs. Maybe if you can figure out what yours is it might help you change your way of thinking about sex as well and you can learn to become more comfortable.
When I was 6 I was molested by my babysitter's 16-year-old son, multiple times. It wasn't until I was 16 that I told my parents what happened to me. It can be a really tough thing to deal with, I was ashamed for the longest time.
I really feel that you should talk to someone again, it could definitely help.

Caroljj90 · Apr 10, 2010, 09:22 PM

I while try to find a therapist but like I said before I have no money to pay for therapy which is why I'm not in it now.

ohsohappy · Apr 10, 2010, 09:25 PM

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

i while try to find a therapist but like i said before i have no money to pay for therapy which is why i'm not in it now.

It's unfortunate that you can't pay for therapy, but you can at least try to talk to your boyfriend abou tit more. It is a serious thing that is effecting the both of you. If he understands you better then maybe you can connect better.

ohsohappy · Apr 10, 2010, 09:30 PM

Caroljj90 agrees: agreed it's not easy to talk about though

Trust me I know it isn't. I definitely hesitated before I said what happened to me.

Caroljj90 · Apr 10, 2010, 09:40 PM

OK I sent him an email explaining my current situation to him (he lives in a different town)

ohsohappy · Apr 10, 2010, 09:55 PM

Every hour you search for power a hand ticks on the witching tower
And with power comes pain enough to make even the greatest man insane
You suffer in shame time and again with no one to blame only the power you've gained
You think you'll change and be different from the majority but every one knows what comes with authority!

You write this one too?

Caroljj90 · Apr 10, 2010, 09:57 PM

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

You write this one too?

yes I did I've written a few poems in the past.

ohsohappy · Apr 10, 2010, 09:59 PM

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

yes i did i've written a few poems in the past.

You're really good. Just thought I'd slip that in there. :)

Caroljj90 · Apr 10, 2010, 10:01 PM

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

you're really good. Just thought I'd slip that in there. :)

thank you I like the stuff in your signature it makes me laugh

ohsohappy · Apr 10, 2010, 10:03 PM

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

thank you i like the stuff in your signature it makes me laugh

The first one I found online, the second one actually happened and I had to bite my tongue. Don't want to lose my job for being insulting towards customers. :)

Caroljj90 · Apr 12, 2010, 03:15 PM

Ugh I don't know why I bother with him I explained every thing and I told him I needed a therapist cause this is bigger then us and I don't think we can deal with it on our own so what does he do freaks out telling me I'm not trying and I refuse his help and won't go find a therapist for myself.