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SONOMAMA29 · Apr 8, 2010, 04:06 PM

my boyfriend, his son and my daughter all moved in together. I've been able 2 c 1st hand how his x treats there son when she comes around. Its horrible, she calls him gay, a faggit and also talks bad about my child. My boyfriend is aware of the situation and tells me she is crazy and to not let her bother me. When the son comes back from his 2 night stay at moms he is an ANIMAL! Very fresh to me, my daughter and his father. This messes up my house. He isn't going to say anything, should I?

cdad · Apr 8, 2010, 04:16 PM

He needs to go to court and get a restraining order and/or a change in custody to supervised visitation. That is calssified as abuse what's going on and if he is allowing it them maybe he doesn't need the child in his life either. As parents its up to us to do what we can to protect our children. He needs to do something more then talk. He needs to change it for his sons sake to supervised and have her take parenting classes under court order.

SONOMAMA29 · Apr 8, 2010, 04:19 PM

I agree with you califdad..! Thanks

SONOMAMA29 · Apr 9, 2010, 11:09 AM

me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. Him and his son moved into my house with me and my daughter about 1 year ago this June. Everything is going GREAT, we are like this little "blended" family, and I play this "role" every day as wife/mom. I love him and his son very much and wondering why I haven't gotten a proposal yet? We have talked about it and he said that "the time isnt right", he was married and his x-wife of 5 years ( was with her for 15 years) left him and there son on his b-day in the parking lot of outback steak house and didn't return for 3 months, they are legally divorced and share joint custody now. He tells me that he loves and trusts. How much longer should I wait, I do everything that a wife does now so what is the difference?

justcurious55 · Apr 9, 2010, 11:44 AM

Just a guess here, but maybe that's just it. You do everything that a good wife and mother should do. So why get married? What's the saying... why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

I wish · Apr 9, 2010, 12:15 PM

You can't force him to get married with. If he's not ready, then he's not ready. Respect his wishes.

You've made your intentions clear to him, so now the ball is on his side of the court. It's up to him when he's ready for another marriage.

As for how long you should wait? That depends on you. How much do you care about him?

SONOMAMA29 · Apr 9, 2010, 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by I wish

You can't force him to get married with. If he's not ready, then he's not ready. Respect his wishes.

You've made your intentions clear to him, so now the ball is on his side of the court. It's up to him when he's ready for another marriage.

As for how long you should wait? That depends on you. How much do you care about him?

I care about him tremendously and love him a lot. We've moved our lives into a home and have combined our children and things are great, he knows that I want to get married and he does tell me he is afraid of getting hurt again, and believe me I do understand, is this normal for men who have been hurt by previous disaster marriages? I don't want to leave him or give him a time line when I want to be proposed by, but I feel like we have no commitment, I'm 29 not 19 and I have referring to him as my BF? He is so much more to me. Why doesn't he see me like this?

justcurious55 · Apr 9, 2010, 02:00 PM

Not every couple gets married. There's some people that just prefer not to. Have you talked to him about your feelings of a lack of commitment on his part?

SONOMAMA29 · Apr 9, 2010, 03:55 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

not every couple gets married. there's some people that just prefer not to. have you talked to him about your feelings of a lack of commitment on his part?

Yes, and all he tells me is that he is very nervous to do it again because he doesn't want to get hurt again, and I do understand that but I really feel like we may not get married and I would love to marry him , and I want to.

Wondergirl · Apr 9, 2010, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by SONOMAMA29

yes, and all he tells me is that he is very nervous to do it again because he dosent want to get hurt again,

So if you broke up with him, he won't get hurt by that? He'd be hurt only if you two are married and then broke up?

ja77 · Apr 9, 2010, 04:03 PM

Hi sonomana29 sometimes things take time to come around, you say that he has been honest and told you right now is not the right time for him to marry. It sounds from what your saying he had a big bomb shell dropped on him when his 1st wife went walk about !

You maybe need to back off a little and move away from the marriage talk with him right now, you could be honest and sit down and tell him your feelings, but you also need to tell him you respect his view and when he is ready to move onto marriage and talk about it more as a commitment to let you know.

SONOMAMA29 · Apr 9, 2010, 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by ja77

Hi sonomana29 sometimes things take time to come around, you say that he has been honest and told you right now is not the right time for him to marry. It sounds from what your saying he had a big bomb shell dropped on him when his 1st wife went walk about !

You maybe need to back off a little and move away from the marriage talk with him right now, you could be honest and sit down and tell him your feelings, but you also need to tell him you respect his view and when he is ready to move onto marriage and talk about it more as a commitment to let you know.

We have great communication and we I haven't talked about the marriage thing, I don't want to give him a "date" that he needs to do it by, but I honestly feel like I need some kind of commitment from him, even a dam promise ring, ( which he said he would do, but I would have to wear it not him), I was a little dissapointed when he said he woulndt wear one also. Were going to jamaica in July and I'm really thinking about proposing to him. If he says no, I will be DEVISTATED, but I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to feel like something is missing, I feel like this everyday,, a missing piece

SONOMAMA29 · Apr 9, 2010, 04:29 PM

Threads merged

my boyfriend was married before. He was with his x for 15 years, married for 5, they have a son together. Him and his son movd in with me and my daughter about 1 year ago. We've been together for 2 years in aug. July 2010 me and him are going to Jamaica. We talked about the marriage thing a few times and he said that he isn't ready yet, he is afraid of getting hurt , I love him and I know he loves me. We have great EVERYTHING, communication, we love eachothers kids, we are a great team, great sex, great with the house stuff together, everything is GREAT, I want the title of wife, hell, I do all the wife duties, I'm sick of giving out my milk for free when he hasent bought the "cow". For some reason I need to feel like we are committed and I don't, will a marriage make me feel committed? I love him so much, we are truly soul mates and his is totally the 1 I want to spend the rest of my life with. Should I propsose? If he says no I will be DEVISTATED!

stan200 · Apr 9, 2010, 07:12 PM

Yes propose to him. Go ahead & give him the promotion. You are his employer. It's not his job to ask for a promotion. It's his job to prove that he's worthy of the promotion & it seems like he's done just that. So go ahead & give him the promotion to marriage status.

Jake2008 · Apr 9, 2010, 07:20 PM

It sounds like he is a wonderful partner, and a great dad to both your children. You have a life that many would envy.

What are your options. You could keep pushing him to marry you, until he calls it quits. Or you could accept what he says, and that is, he is simply not ready to get married again, and who can blame him.

You could give him a date, which would also probably result in him still not being ready to marry, and the relationship would end.

Then where would you be.

You would be depriving your daughter of a good father figure, yourself of the love of your life, and a very bright, solid future with a man who loves you.

Just my opinion, but I'd say, put your needs for the wedding aside until he is ready. Focus on the quality of the relationship and your daughter's well-being. To force this to be a marriage when he is not ready, will only hurt everybody.

Wondergirl · Apr 9, 2010, 07:35 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

To force this to be a marriage when he is not ready, will only hurt everybody.

I agree about not forcing it, but when will he be ready? How long should she wait? Six months? A year? Five years? Will he wake up one morning and say, "I'm ready! Let's plan a wedding!"

There are many legal and social advantages to being married. Maybe he needs to be reminded of them somehow?

Jake2008 · Apr 9, 2010, 08:02 PM

I'm sort of going with the premise that he isn't saying that he doesn't want to marry her. He's providing everything but marriage- for now.

How long to wait is hard to judge. He may not know when he'll be ready, and it could very well be five or 10 years- anybody's guess.

It just seems that on the positive side, all signs point to eventual marriage.

Maybe couples counselling can dislodge him from his stance- worth a try.

Wondergirl · Apr 9, 2010, 08:07 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I'm sort of going with the premise that he isn't saying that he doesn't want to marry her. He's providing everything but marriage- for now.

And she is providing too. They have the house, the two cars in the driveway, the blended family, the assigned roles being played out, and maybe even the picket fence. Why bother with the piece of paper?

Fr_Chuck · Apr 9, 2010, 09:15 PM

The "don't want to get hurt" is a pure line of bull. Is he not committed to you now, so he has to love you more to marry you, but OK just using you for a rooming house and a sex toy?

This often happens when the move in, is done before the "I do" happens, he sees no reason for it.

Devorameira · Apr 10, 2010, 09:21 AM

Well, he's got all the perks of marriage without any of the legal responsibilities... he can pack up and take a hike anytime he wants and you can't get him for anything... so why get marrried as far as he's concerned... you've been willing to play married this long, why mess up a good thing.

Wake up and smell the coffee, if he wanted to get married he would have by now... you've made 'living in sin' too sweet for him, and he's seen you're willing to accept that kind of relationship.