[pmera]

Thaks Jake for your response.

I'm not sure, there is mental illnesses in my family and he doesn't act quite like them, there is certainly a depression and he said he was depressed before he met me. Whenever I suggest he should see a dr about it he would get mad at me. His response is always his life is out of balance or he needs to be more disciplined or that I am making him unhappy (which takes forever to find out, because when ever I do or say the slightest thing that makes him upset with me I get the scilent treatment and he won't even look in my general dirrection, most of the time I have no idea what I did, and it turns out to be a small simple comment or my laundry is still on the floor in the bedroom even though I just got home and we rushed out in the morning). I tried to have the talk regarding how I am not responcible for making him happy or sad I am not incontrol of his emotions and he told me I'm wrong because if that were true than what's to stop him from doing anythign he wanted because he's not concerned with my emotions, I tried to explain what I meant, and he again said I'm wrong because if that was the case then why did I make him happy before. When he gets down its like he's never been happy and will never be happy again. The swings in mood are too close together to be bipolar, he might be boarderline asperger;s syndrom because he doesn't seem to understand a lot of social cue, except he's very good at appearing very friendly and social so that would negate that. I'm not sure, I don't know how to help him. He was very regimented when I met him and when we married that messed with his routine because I'm not a neat freak to his extent but I'm trying to improve and my schedule varies day to day, he had a hard time adapting and maybe he still is having a hard time.
He won't see a dr and he definitely doesn't believe in taking meds. One time I told him I was going to see someone cause I was having trouble with my eating habits again and I didn't want to fall into an eating disorder again and he got mad at me, I told him he can't prevent me from seeing a dr, he said fine but if I start taking meds he will divorce me. I don't know what that was about, I tried to ask him again later and he said he was scared because his dad takes so many pills for everything (completely unrelated, his dad takes bloodpressure pills choleteral pills and insulin and is quick to take a headache pill anytime). I don't know anytime I try to understand and talk I can only go so far before he gets mad at me for trying to "psychoanalyze" him (his words).

How can I try to help make this situation better?

[Homegirl 50]

Sounds like there is either mental illness or he has no clue and does not want to get one.
The communication this man has with other women is out of line and his theories about taking medicine is rather archaic, almost cult like.
Marriages take work and maintenance, but if only one of you is doing the work there is not much hope of survival. He sounds like someone who is bitter because he got married but does not have the courage to tell you and get out of it, so he is feeling trapped.

If you stay in this marriage, get some counseling for yourself or get out of it before he drags you into his pit.

[Jake2008]

You are in a really awkward spot there. You're intelligent and bright enough not to feel responsible for his behaviour, and you can separate that from 'causing' it, which, if he were able to think better, he would realize you are the best person in the world to help him. I think your ability to objectively see him and his behaviour, is going to go a long way in helping yourself.

He does exhibit signs of behaviour that need to be professionally addressed in my opinion. The imbalance of him digging his heels in to justify his behaviour, vs the efforts you put forward to help him see that he needs to address these behaviours, isn't going to happen without outside help.

Homegirl is right in that a marriage takes an honest, open commitment to change and communication. That part goes on forever, and you are still stuck in the starting gate with him. He can change, he is capable, but he prefers not to, which leaves you wondering about your future with this man.

Being so newly married without compromise from him, leaves me to wonder if he will ever realize that he has to let you in, and let some of himself out.

Why he prefers to stand fast and not allow an inch, is something I can't see, and I wish I could.

There is so much that makes a marriage work, and having been married myself 34 years this July, the one thing that kept us together all these years was honesty and the ability to talk. And fight, and disagree, and agree to disagree. Without that commitment at 18 months, I don't think I would have seen a future with my husband unless he could at least admit that he needs some sort of professional help. Marriage counselling to start.

One more thing I'm wondering is if it is possible to speak to his mother, and ask about his behavior. I can't imagine that she would be ignorant of his nature.

[pmera]

Jake you make a lot of sense. I'm not giving up yet, but I have given a timelimit. I do love him I just can't seem to understand him.

I am thinking of asking him tonight or tomorrow while he is in a receptive mood (which later he will accuse me of spoiling his mood no doubt) what he is not getting from me that causes him to need to seek the approval of these other women. He does all these things to be nice, says he doesn't expect anything in return but gets all sad when no one says anything or they move on. Is there a nicer way to say this which makes it sound like I'm really on his side and not accusing him of something? If I can get inside the bubble this way I might be able to open new doors. Every time I try to talk about the relationship he gets upset and then I end up crying and then he's all nice - its frustrating, I just want to talk about it, but it always turns out this way.

Everyone always say Emad is so nice and has so much love to give. Why sister in law was the one who told me she heard from other relatives how even as a kid he was a little different and reserved and would play alone, I don't think his mother would say anythign bad about him, but she has admitted to my sister in law that she and her husband made some mistakes with Emad that they didn't make with the other 2 boys, so I don't know. Its complicated.

I don't know if I can convince him into marriage counseling, not yet. How can I help him see we need it, I'll even pretend its my fault, I've said before when he was upset that well I don't know how to be a wife I didn't have good role models so maybe we should get counseling so I can learn - his response is he didn't either (both his parents worked and actually slept at different times in different rooms, his dad was out of country a lot. That's one of his things, he doesn't want to become a dad that is never around) and you just have to use your brain. Grrr lol

[Jake2008]

You may have to get creative to crack that bubble he is in.

See if you can't get him to agree to exchanging thoughts via email. I know it sounds weird, but a couple I know did that, and they were in the same room.

Every day she would write something, and he would respond, and it went on like that for months. She said it worked for her.

It was about not just addressing the problems, but about learning to communicate in a fair way, equal to both parties.

Agree to a set of rules. No accusatory or insulting comments, no blaming the other, no ridiculing statements. Maybe have a list of topics such as childhood, social goals, parents, etc. When one gets too uncomfortable with a topic, agree to change it. Go back to it another time.

Keep the exchanges in a folder, or make a hard copy for a file so that you and he can refer to them.

My guess is if you are both onboard with this, you will both gain some insight and eventually come up with more communicating face to face.

People that shut down their emotions do so sometimes with a layers of bricks and mortar. Keep chipping away at it; maybe it has never happened before that he has felt the security or freedom to say what's on his mind.

You will probably have some lightbulb moments, although small at first, but, if he seriously wants to make his marriage work, he has to let you in.

This may also put him at ease enough to realize that professional help is not going to be any more painful, it is only another opinion from someone without a vested interest.