[Cat1864]

I totally agree with the punishment and staying consistent.

The earning your trust back begins by accepting that she did something she wasn't supposed to do and lied about it to, at least, two people-you and the babysitter. It continues by showing that she really is as mature as she thinks she is by abiding by the terms of the punishment without too much complaining and trying to guilt trip you into giving in to what she really wants. Let her know that she will get farther ahead if she plays by the rules. She can even help herself by coming up with things to do while she is grounded such as giving her room a good cleaning, reading a book, cleaning the rest of the house, etc.

Maybe over the weekend you can do something together to have some bonding time.

Also, let her know that she has to talk to the babysitter about how she can regain her trust.

If she is in therapy, you may want to let her therapist know what happened. Sometimes, having a third party explain the dangers can give added weight to your words and soften the 'Mommy, doesn't love me' argument.

[hheath541]

The summer after I was in 7th grade, a girl I knew was murdered. She had been over at her cousin's house and decided to leave with her cousin's friend. No one saw her after that.

For weeks the cops told her parents that she was probably a runaway.

Her body was found stuffed into a drainage pipe off the bike path. She had been raped, beaten, and murdered. Then her body was taken there and hidden.

She had just turned 13. He was 16.

She hadn't told anyone she was leaving her cousin's house. No one knew where she'd gone. They weren't even sure she'd left with the boy.

He was tried as an adult.

Her family and friends (most of whom were under the age of 15) got to attend a closed casket funeral.

Your daughter needs to understand that things can, and DO, happen.

[J_9]

the summer after i was in 7th grade, a girl i knew was murdered. she had been over at her cousin's house and decided to leave with her cousin's friend. no one saw her after that.

for weeks the cops told her parents that she was probably a runaway.

her body was found stuffed into a drainage pipe off the bike path. she had been raped, beaten, and murdered. then her body was taken there and hidden.

she had just turned 13. he was 16.

she hadn't told anyone she was leaving her cousin's house. no one knew where she'd gone. they weren't even sure she'd left with the boy.

he was tried as an adult.

her family and friends (most of whom were under the age of 15) got to attend a closed casket funeral.

your daughter needs to understand that things can, and DO, happen.

I can add to that. Back in 1981 one of my best friends went with her mother to pick up her brother at a SCHOOL wrestling match. Deanie (my friend) told her mother she was going to the bathroom, at SCHOOL, and was never found again. Yes, Deanie is a cold case. We reflect on her every February. I will never forget being interviewed by the police or being accused of hiding her.

You can read all about her here... deanie peters - Google Search

[Alty]

J, that's just horrible! I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I have an 11 year old son that thinks he knows everything and I don't need to protect him. I know I do, but he's 11 and doesn't know squat.

That's my take on this. You have to make sure she understands why what she did is wrong, why it worries you, why she cannot and will not ever do this again.

Your punishment is not too harsh, I would have been harsher just to drive the point home.

My son doesn't have a cell phone, my choice, I don't think a child that age needs one and I don't agree with giving a child a luxury like that unless he/she pays for it. Just me though, you have the right to do what you believe.

Here are some facts. Children are molested, raped, kidnapped and killed every day. The "it won't happen to me" mentality is not safe. It can happen. I guarantee that the parents on the news, with missing or murdered children, didn't think it would happen to them either.

Another fact. No matter how often you tell her this, she won't believe you. She's 12. She believes she knows everything. She thinks she is untouchable. She thinks she is mature. She's not.

In other words, you're doing just fine. Don't back down, make sure she knows that you are sticking to this. After the punishment is over have a heart to heart, tell her that she's not as untouchable as she thinks she is. If she won't believe you, send her here, I'll tell her about me, my story, because I thought I knew it all and I paid for it. Thankfully I lived to tell the tale.

Good luck to you. Aren't tweens fun? ;)

[ohsohappy]

I absolutely agree with everything. Kids are just plain stupid. I sure as heck was. I thought I was old enough to do all sorts of things, NO. I lied to my parents, guess what? They found out, they punished me, I cried and I hated them because I didn't think they should have punished me. But guess what else? I'm still alive, I've gotten smarter thanks to them. I ALWAYS let someone know where I go, even as an adult. You can never be too careful.

A few times when I was 16 I went and hung out with a friend.. My mother always thought I stayed at her place. NOPE. We left, her mom and dad didn't care or didn't know where we went, and my mom thought I was at my friend's house. More than once did I stay out all night with strangers (drink a bit) and nobody but the people I was with knew where I was. A few times these people were older guys. Thank GOD nothing ever happened to me, but I was stupid. Not only did I go to an unknown place with unknown people, but there was alcohol. Anything could have happened to me. I thank my lucky stars that nothing did, because I could honestly see how things could have turned out very differently. My grandparent's could have been attending MY funeral rather than me attending theirs.
I don't do that anymore.

[justcurious55]

Ohso's comment made me think about myself. I'm usually a little on the paranoid side. I keep pepper spray on my keys, constantly look over my shoulder walking to my car, walk far away from anyone that gives me the slightest funny feeling and I've been doing that for years. Thle younger. At still didn't stop me from doing stupid things when I was a little younger. My friend would always tell her mom she was going to my house while I would tell my aunt I was going to my friends house. We got lucky that nothing ever bad happened to us. We very easily could have ended up one of those girl's on cnn or cold case files

[Depressed in MO]

Yes as of today I am still sticking to my ground with her. I have had a heart to heart with her and have explained to her why she did what she did was wrong. She argued. But I am sure I have put it in her head enough. I don't like the idea of younger children having cell phones either-because it is mainly a privilge. However, I let her have one when she started riding the bus home from school. She stayed an hour and half alone at home after school until I made it home from work. This went on for about a year;hence the new babysitter. We do not have a house phone. I wanted her to have a cell phone for emergency purposes. Of course-that isn't ALL she uses it for. But that was why it ever came about in the first place. I did make plans for her and me to spend some time together alone this weekend. She seemed to go for it-so far. Hopefully I can get a good talk in with her when it is just the two of us to find out what is going on in that pretty little head of hers.
Today, she had the school nurse call me and tell me she had vomited. But she was running no fever and there was no witnesses to her getting sick. I feel that she was lying about that because she didn't want to be in school. What the hell? I loved school when I went to elementary school! She is in the sixth grade-that is still elementary where we are from. I fear that she is headed toward the wrong path in life and I don't know how to help her. Please keep sharing your thoughts with me-as it is appreciated greatly.

[Wondergirl]

I feel that she was lying about that because she didn't want to be in school. What the hell?

Perhaps, if she truly did lie about vomiting, it was a small way to regain some control over you, that you would take her out of school and then she could sit at home thinking, "Ha, ha. I won with that one!"

[hheath541]

yes as of today I am still sticking to my ground with her. I have had a heart to heart with her and have explained to her why she did what she did was wrong. She argued. But I am sure I have put it in her head enough. I don't like the idea of younger children having cell phones either-because it is mainly a privilge. However, I let her have one when she started riding the bus home from school. She stayed an hour and half alone at home after school until I made it home from work. This went on for about a year;hence the new babysitter. We do not have a house phone. I wanted her to have a cell phone for emergency purposes. Of course-that isn't ALL she uses it for. But that was why it ever came about in the first place. I did make plans for her and me to spend some time together alone this weekend. She seemed to go for it-so far. Hopefully I can get a good talk in with her when it is just the two of us to find out what is going on in that pretty little head of hers.
Today, she had the school nurse call me and tell me she had vomited. But she was running no fever and there was no witnesses to her getting sick. I feel that she was lying about that because she didn't want to be in school. What the hell? I loved school when I went to elementary school! She is in the sixth grade-that is still elementary where we are from. I fear that she is headed toward the wrong path in life and I don't know how to help her. Please keep sharing your thoughts with me-as it is appreciated greatly.

Pretending to be sick to get out school is the oldest trick in the book. Sometimes, even if you like school, you just don't feel like being there that day.

You don't HAVE to pick her up, especially if you don't think she's really sick. Let her sit in the nurse's office all day. I know when I was in school, it was about the most boring place in the entire school.

[Depressed in MO]

pretending to be sick to get out school is the oldest trick in the book. sometimes, even if you like school, you just don't feel like being there that day.

you don't HAVE to pick her up, especially if you don't think she's really sick. let her sit in the nurse's office all day. i know when i was in school, it was about the most boring place in the entire school.

Yeah I'm almost certain that she is truly fine. I even discussed with the nurse that if she isn't running a fever, and there was no proof of her actually getting sick, that maybe she can try and remain in school and be monitored. The nurse thought that was a great idea!

[hheath541]

I spent the day in the nurse's office on at least one occasion when I was in school. I decided I didn't want to be there that day, so I went to the nurse not long after school started. She called my mom. My mom decided I wasn't sick. I spent the rest of the day sitting in silence bored out of my mind.

I would usually read whenever I got the chance to. The nurse decided that if I was 'sick' enough to want to go home, that I was too sick to read. Best punishment they ever could've come up with.

[Depressed in MO]

I think my main issue here isn't just this stunt that she has pulled recently-overall-it's all the little stunts and I have had it! She is a wonderful little girl. I know she is 12, but she is still a little girl! I don't dare want her to make the same mistakes I did. I know we or most of us-have heard this from our parents-but it is so true! I see many red flags as a result of her behavior and I need to help her "see the light". I totally wish I would have taken different avenues when I had the chance. And I had many opportunities to do so. I chose to look the other way. My life ended up being OK, but it took a lot of failing and extra hard work to get here. I just can't sit back and watch her make all these crazy choices, but how do I step in without making her completely shut me out?

[justcurious55]

Does she know about the choices you made that you might go back and change if you could? For example, my aunt always talked about how much they regretting dropping out of school and getting married too soon and having kids too early. That had been the cycle in our family. Me and my cousins are the first generation as far back as any of us can remember that are or already have finished college, waited or are waiting to get married and have kids. Her being really honest about her own choices has made a big difference for us. Even if she knows all about your choices now, I wouldn't expect her to see the light for at least a few more years. I don't think I started getting it until I was about 16 or 17. And that was just starting to get it, not fully understanding why what my aunt was telling me was important.

[Depressed in MO]

Yes, I've had that talk with her and at the time she seemed to have really understood. She sees how hard I struggle, she has another little sister and little brother. Plus-I'm a single parent on top of that. Her response to that conversation was "Mom, I'm not stupid-I'm not going to do that or I won't ever try that. But as popular as she is-she is not a leader, she is a follower and can easily be persuaded to do something she knows better than to do. I know this because she is just like I was then. And that scares me.

[hheath541]

The problem is, people, especially children, almost never learn from the mistakes of others. They always think that they're special or different or smarter and things will turn out differently for them.

[Wondergirl]

Yes, I've had that talk with her and at the time she seemed to have really understood.

Even if she intellectually understands, there is still that little voice in her that says, "But you are different from your mom. It won't happen to you the same way. You are invincible, and not like your mom."

Kids think, "It won't happen to me, and if it does, I'll be fine."

[Wondergirl]

Hheath, there must have been a cloning device between our brains and computers at 2:26!

[Depressed in MO]

I know-I understand what you all are saying. I mean-is there anything more I can do? I've already done everything that you all have suggested, so I must be doing something right. But her behavior is still extremely wrong in a lot of ways. I wish I could have seen the signs earlier, I just want her to be the best she can be. And everything I'm saying here I've already told her. What more can I do?

[hheath541]

There's nothing more you can do. You're doing your best to be the best mother possible. You have her in therapy. You're setting rules nad boundaries and enforcing the punishments when she breaks them.

It seems, to me, that you're doing everything you can.

[Wondergirl]

What more can I do?

Could you get her involved in a volunteer activity, especially one that the two of you can do together, say, at a nursing home or an animal shelter or a horse rescue farm or a food pantry? -- a place where the two of you seriously work at least two hours a week? Certainly there would be such a place near you? (As a 12 y/o, I was passionate about horses... )