[pmera]

Hi

This October I will be married for two years, and everyone says the first 2 years are the hardest. I think I'm having a harder time then most, I don't even remember there being a honeymoon stage, because we were arguing in the beginning. I don't know if I am being controlling and over reacting or if he is being too distant or is doing something wrong, let me give you some background.

So there is this woman my husabnd talks to, at first I was told she was like his sister which I understand coming from a foster family, but as I saw their conversations I said she is not like your sister and I did the bad thing of snooping in his email box. We fought for almost the first year on how he spoke with this woman (calling her princess, love, sunshine, sending her almost a daily 2 liner email asking her how she is and wishing her a good day) was inappropriate considering he is married and I don't get those sort of emails. We had many fights about how he speaks to women, and in perticulare that one, and he agreed to stop and I'm trying to be trusting so I haven't checked. Whenever I brought up something like that though I get told to stop comparing myself to people. But I'm his wife I'm suppose to be priority and whatever attention he is giving someone Im suppose to get that and more aren't I? He spends more time on his projects and on the computer than he does with me, he talks more to other people than me, and then when I question him and say its bothering me he says that he doesn't send me those kind of emails or doesn't do this or that because I don't inspire it for him, so in otherwords thinking of me does not make him happy on most occasions is how I hear it. When I told him I don't feel loved he gets upset and says he does everything for my comfort cleans (he does) and cooks(he does) and drives me to work and picks me up so I don't have to take the bus and the nice stuff in our apartment and he says that's how he shows his love.

I want someone who can't wait to come home and spend time with me, and with me doesn't mean just existing in the same room. IS this going to get better or should I be preparing to leave? There are some good times and sometimes he is caring and loving and we have a good day together but it always goes back to this.

What should I do?

[Homegirl 50]

Why don't you two do some marriage counseling, someone who can help you express yourself and help him to hear what you are saying.
I think you two maybe having a problem communicating your feeling and thoughts.
Is this something he would be open to?

[pmera]

Why don't you two do some marriage counseling, someone who can help you express yourself and help him to hear what you are saying.
I think you two maybe having a problem communicating your feeling and thoughts.
Is this something he would be open to?

I remember suggesting that once. He doesn't believe in it, I don't understand why

[Homegirl 50]

Well get some for yourself.
If you are unhappy you need to speak with someone who can help you make a decision about what you can do.

It is hard to work on a problem in a marriage if you are the only one willing to work. Sometimes people don't want to know they may be doing something wrong.
I wish you well.

[Cat1864]

After reading your question, I get the impression that in this relationship you feel insecure and needy.

It sounds to me (based on what is in your post) like you may have over reacted to an innocent relationship. Did you listen to what he had to say about her and the use of endearments or did you tell him what you thought and wanted without paying attention to him?

Have you both sat down and had a discussion about the issues in your marriage that didn't include: blame, yelling, accusations, orders, tears, ultimatums, etc. and didn't end up in a fight? Are you willing to compromise and work with him to straighten out the issues and build a stronger relationship or are you expecting him to make all the changes and do all the running?

On emails, a lot friends and family members email each other daily. (People keeping in touch keeps Facebook operating). He sees you daily why should he send you a two line email asking how you are doing? If he is afraid of getting into an argument why would he want to do anything with you?

Marriages take the work of both people. You can show him what you want by doing it to him. Send him little emails, show him how happy you are to see him at the end of the day (give him time to wind down before expecting too much of a response), do the cleaning together, make a meal together, tell him you love him when he least expects it, give hugs and kisses or a caress as you walk by him, etc. Work with him to set reasonable boundaries on time on his 'projects' or the computer.

Think about this: many families have pet names/endearments for each other. Princess, love and sunshine are fairly common for little girls. Sometimes, they stick even into adulthood much to the chagrin of the young lady. Some people are naturally more flirtatious or use endearments more (here in the southern United States, honey and sweetie get used for just about anyone, even people you don't know.), but it doesn't mean they are looking for anything outside their relationship.

Bottom line is open up the lines of communication. Get your concerns out, BUT listen to his side too. Complaining about everything but shutting him out or down instead of communicating will help end your marriage.

[pmera]

Thank you, you've made a lot of good points. I have tried to talk about it without blaming andi try to keep tears back but that's hard for me sometimes. I think your write that I need to take a more active leading role to help make change instead of just telling him what's making me unhappy about the situations. I'm good at the hugs and kisses and caresses part, and I do send him little texts and things. How do I get him to work with me without me being all "sit down and we are going to work this out."

Unfotunately with his family they don't really use those pet names, and he didn't grow up with her, he met her about 3 years or so before he met me.

Your bottom line is absolutely correct through. I just need to figure out how to do that (I didn't grow up with good marriage models, probably why the divorce rate in north america keeps getting worse, we don't have good models anymore)

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond

[jmjoseph]

It doesn't matter if the relationship was just "friends only". He should have understood that it made you feel uncomfortable . He should stop with the terms of endearment to other women. That's just innappropriate. Married people don't have special friends of the opposite sex, and trade secret correspondence.


It sounds like you married the wrong man for you. But that's just based on what you have given us.

Was he EVER loving and not selfish? How about when you two were dating?

[pmera]

Was he EVER loving and not selfish? How about when you two were dating?

He can be quite loving, and he's actually very unselfish that's the worst part. He will give anyone the shirt of his back and sleep on the floor while they sleep in his bed. He was turniing 30 when I marrie dhim and he is so accustomed to giving all his time to everything and everyone else that I feel forgotten sometimes. He said the reason he would say those things to her was to bring some happiness into her life cause she is living such a horrible life. In his eyes he is being kind, in my eyes he's on the boarder or danger. He said he stopped using those names and that they don't talk much anymore. I have to try to believe him. I know I'm insecure in this relationship, It didn't turn out like I thought, I didn't know about this need of his to make everyone and their dog happy at his expense - and now at mine too

[jmjoseph]

He can be quite loving, and hes actually very unselfish thats the worst part. he will give anyone the shirt of his back and sleep on the floor while they sleep in his bed. He was turniing 30 when i marrie dhim and he is soo accustomed to giving all his time to everything and everyone else that i feel forgotten sometimes. He said the reason he would say those things to her was to bring some happiness into her life cause she is living such a horrible life. In his eyes he is being kind, in my eyes hes on the boarder or danger. He said he stopped using those names and that they dont talk much anymore. I have to try to believe him. I know im insecure in this relationship, It didnt turn out like i thought, i didnt know about this need of his to make everyone and their dog happy at his expense - and now at mine too

So, he is just trying to be nice to her? The most important thing that he must remember is that HE IS MARRIED TO YOU! YOU should be his primary concern. I was almost 37 when I got married, and I know how to treat my wife with love and respect.

[Homegirl 50]

Your husband should not be trying to be nice and please at your expense. You and the marriage should come first.
Try talking to him in a calm voice, tell him you understand and respect his kindness to others, tell him how this makes you feel.
If he does not get it or does not want to get it, get some counseling for yourself before yourself esteem goes down the drain or you begin to blame yourself alone for the state your marriage is in.
You seem to understand where he is coming from but he does not see where you're coming from. It's a bit one sided.

[Jake2008]

Let me get this right. You've been married two years, and have been nitpicking about texts he has sent to another woman for a year. Apparently he has stopped and you still aren't happy.

He is attentive and loving toward you, cooks, cleans, isn't out getting drunk playing darts every night.

What exactly is the problem? And why are you miserable exactly?

What do you do to communicate with him. Just sit and stew? Have you tried to maybe go for a walk in the evening, head out for coffee, see a show, plan a weekend away?

If he's working full time and doing all the cooking and cleaning, perhaps he's just too tired in the evening to do anything. Why not help in the household chores, or take the initiative to make a nice dinner.

How you show him you love him, may be quite different in how he interprets it, and as well, how he shows you he loves you may be in the things he does, but he is not necessarily getting his point across.

You need to talk. And talk more, and then talk more. Build the communication, learn from each other, put his needs first when he puts your needs first. Work out your problems by not expecting them to just disappear, but change the direction into something mutually agreeable.

My opinion is, you need to complain less, and try more.

[Quirkee]

Talk, conversation is the key to a successful marriage, tell him how you feel and open up to him, you know? And if he's hurting you he needs to understand that, the same goes for you, try to understand things from where he's coming from, and give him the benefit of doubt until proven otherwise with the sunshine, princess etc. she might be a sister, you never know...

And also try to rekindle your old love, you married this man because you loved him. Correct?

Where'd that love go? And just spend time with him in general, and talk...

[Just Dahlia]

I think I'm missing something here between Jake and Cat and JM.
I agree that you need some counseling. I also agree that you need to let up, if nothing has happened in a year.
I agree again that if your husband is indeed treating you this way, you need to do something about it, because you should always be first and visa versa.

So far he is a caring wonderful man who cooks, cleans and works. I'm assuming that you also cook, clean and work. (how is your love life?)

It's wonderful and lucky (in my opinion) for that to happen.
What else is going on:confused:

You have been married 2 years? You didn't know about this relationship before? Or you didn't care until you were married thinking it would go away.

He should end the flirtation, but that's just my opinion.

[Just Dahlia]

Jake2008 agrees : I hope you are right, there is more to this story.

I agree.

[Cat1864]

I agree that there are some things missing from this story like how old you are and how you became married to this man.

I am troubled by the idea that his nature and personality being so giving and generous may have attracted you to him in the first place and now you are wanting to completely change what possibly helped you fall in love with him.

You have only been married for 18 months (approximately). You are both still learning how to live with each other and work out your concerns and issues as a couple. Yes, you are going to have to sit down with him and have a discussion. Preferably with a neutral third party (counselor, clergy, trusted family friend, etc.) who can help keep misunderstandings from continuing. There can be a huge difference between what is said and what is heard. One of the difficult lessons in communications is learning to listen to what the other person says without putting your own meaning and spin on the words.

[pmera]

OK so some more details.

We didn't know each other long before we got married, maybe a few months, mistake number 1 of mine for agreeing so quickly. His parents were going to be in canada and we planned the wedding for that because they were not going to beable to visit again in a year and in our faith we were not going to live together without being married.

I didn't know about the woman he shared so many emails with when we got married. He said I did, he told me he had a twin, that she was like his sister. I didn't know that he was implying something deeper so maybe I'm dumb. He was never going to introduce me to her, told me she doesn't know I know about her (but she knows about me) and I wasn't suppose to talk about her or her situation (she has an abusive spouce she refuses to leave) to his family ever. SO naturally that was a red flag for me. I found out later that she was someone who he wanted to marry but didn't because his parents wouldn't have approved of him marrying someone older than him divorced and with a kid. She ended up staying with her husband when he said no to her proposal. About a year or two later he met me.
Sometimes its really great, and yes he can be affectionate but getting him to talk and have conversation is like pulling teeth sometimes. HE has done nice romantic things, when we were engaged he made a desktop background for me expressing his feelings, and he did the same thing for my birthday and our wedding anniversary and I though it was so romantic. But then about a month or 2 ago, he started chatting on Facebook with my cousins friend. She is a single mother and he was listening to her problems and giving advice, okay that's cool that's fine. What I thought wasn't cool was he went and collected pictures of her on Facebook made a desktop background with them with words like "funny" " Kind" and a quote from her kid saying best mom ever and emailed it to her as a gift. Of course she stopped talking to him and he was upset over that, I eventually found out he made this and when I tried to explain how it was inappropriate what he did was what someone who is in love with someone would do for them, he didn't get it and said she was being full of herself to think that he is in love with her and that he was just doing something nice to brighten her day. This is part of the problem, things I think he does nice just for me because he loves me turns out he will do for anyone. He spoke with my cousins friend all of 2 or 3 times before he gave her that and also wanted to make food for her and drive to her house and give it to her just to be nice. I liked that he was iinvolved with charity projects, but I don't like how he is with these women and I didn't know he was like that. So he may have stopped talking in pet names to the first woman I spoke of, but in general the behaviour hasn't changed much.

And for the record yes I cook meals and I cook meals for the week freeze them so we can eat healthy lunches and dinners throughout the week I cook and I work A lot, he gets home before I do. Sometimes its really good and we enjoy each other company and sometimes I feel like I just live there, he's so disconnected.

[Homegirl 50]

Wow!
Sounds to me like you married someone you did not know very well and he may have married you to appease his family, I don't know, but it also seems to me like he is trying to be married and single.
You just don't do things like that for other women when you have a wife. I would be feeling a bit put out too.

Maybe you two can sit down and talk about his feeling and yours then you can come to some kind of consensus. I'm willing to bet he would not go to counseling or divorce because of what his family would say. You need to go for yourself if things don't get better and you choose to stay with him.
I wish you well

[pmera]

I think you might be right Homegirl.

Tonight is another bad night. This week he has been obsessing over this girl he broke up with when he was in university. The fight regarding that one was over his use of the word regret. I told him I can understand regretting hurting her feelings but I don't understand regretting what happened because it lead you to where you are. He said to him its both the same - ouch for me. He decided he was going to write her an email (even though she Facebook blocked an attempt to speak with her in the past) So I said fine, whatever you need to do for closure go right ahead, I just hope I don't get an email like this in 10 years when all of our time has past because you were living in the past.
So he's writing another email again tonight. He said he is going to write one for every year, so she's going to get his life story. I asked him why, it doesn't make sense, he said please jut let me do this I want to do this. Can my husband have a mid-life crisis at the young age of 30? What is going on with him??

[Fr_Chuck]

Nothing just "gets" better, things will always just get worst, if the couple, as a couple do not work hard on relationships.

There needs to be a end to unrealistic fairly tale relationships, life is and can have boring times, times we are mad and timies things are great.

[Jake2008]

My opinion is, his behaviour is highly unusual, over the top, and cause for concern.

He is not wanting to talk about it other than tell you what he is doing. He has no answer as to why he is behaving the way he is. The extremes he is showing with the email, and with the other woman, the single mother, have resulted in them backing away 100%. I think I would too.

Has he had a history of mental illness? Have you ever had cause for concern about his behaviour, other than what you have said so far?