[Allheart]

Hi Ordinary Guy,

First, I am so very sorry you have to endure this. Now, has your wife been to a gyn?
She may be suffering with hormonal imbalance which causes these outburst. Anti-depressants will only mask the underlining problem.

More imporatantly, PLEASE accept that it is not you and do not feel bad abour yourself. Easier said then done, I am sure.

The GYN would be my first stop. When she is not in a rage, sit her down and tell her you care for her and our very concerned. You could also say to her you can not imagine what it must feel like for her, when she gets so upset and perhaps there is a medical reason for this. Tell her you do not want her to suffer like this and somehow suggest she go to a gyn for a hormonal balance test. This may be hard to pull off. Anotherwords, turn this thing around so that she realizes, in a nonaccusatory way, that she is the one who has the difficulty and you are the one who suffers as a result. Of course, don't say that to her :)

I sure hope this helps. It is quite possible this may be the reason and you would want to rule out medical reasons first.

Hang in there!

[ballybee]

Dear Ordinary guy,

Indeed it is sad to hear that you having going through this. From what I gather in your post your wife and yourself love each other but there is this psychological thing that happens and is taking over your relationship.. possible menopause induced stress, hormonal imbalance or change, may all be possible answers to this problem.. nevertheless, I do believe that 18 years of marriage is worth working for even if it was one from the moment you say "i do".. I recently red a best-sellers on men/women relationship and it is just amazing how we react differently to stress in a relationship or on a number of other issues. While all possible causes cited in other posts may be correct, I think it is important to understand how much men and women can be different yet similar and once you would have understood that, I am dead sure it will answer some if not almost all your questions above.. since after reading that book I recognized many behavioral patterns (male/female ) through your post as describe in the book.
So please, get away on a weekend with your wife in a quiet place and read the book.. I just hope you will have the same feeling of hope for you 2 as I had when I read your post.

The book is a best seller and is titled men are from mars and women are from venus. There is also a website http://www.marsvenus.com that you can visit.

I hope you will find this helpful and we will hear a positive progress from you two in the near future

[cherri1966]

What are you getting from the marriage? No doubt in my mind your wife is dealing with something from childhood or some other traumautic event. Neither nor constitutes the fact you're enduring abuse. If she won't seek help for herself or together, you seek it for yourself, to figure out why you've allowed this for so long. Seek help to figure out why you would be content in a relationship (relationship I say) without intimacy. What type of relationship can be called such a thing if it does not have intimacy? Don't lose yourself because of someone else. Trust me, I know many marriages are having similar issues, but I will tell anyone who is in a relationship without any intimacy, something is wrong with that and if you can't seek help as a couple, seek it for yourself. You can't save or help her if she chooses to decline, but you can help and save yourself. Don't accept giving up what you need, not want, but need because your wife chooses not to face her issues. It's not fair to you. Seek help.

[jenni9]

Ordinary Guy, you helped me, and even though I don't consider myself good at giving this kind of advice, I CAN tell you that from MY situation (husband prefers company of male friend) I do keep things in to avoid conflict and then "blow up in a rage", but I do tell the "problem" when I do it. By no means do I get "violent", just verbal and emotional. Is there something that she's holding in? I'm really good for that, so that's why I'm asking. THere's GOT to be something bothering her (from my point of view having these episodes myself).

Anti-depressants can affect sex drive in a MAJOR way, so that could also be the problem. I've also seen them give the "I don't give a crap about anything" attitude, too. Maybe you can research or talk to her doctor about prescribing an anti-depressant with the least side effects of sexual dysfunction. It always seems that with a lot of medication that it "fixes" one thing while corrupting another. Best of luck to you and your wife. I admire you for your concern in keeping your marriage intact.

[tinanation]

During 18 years of marriage my wife would periodically fly into a rage, and without warning launch a verbal attack on me so sudden and viscious it would leave me utterly devestated. It felt like being kicked in the stomach. The "reason" was always something relatively trivial, just as likely to be something I hadn't done as something I did. This happend on average maybe once or twice a year. It would take me a matter of days to work through the emotional trauma and regain some kind of composure. Sometimes afterward she would cry and say how sorry she was. In between these episides, she was loving, kind and generous. After every episode I managed to convince myself that these fits of rage were anomalies that didn't reflect her true feelings. About four years ago it started to happen more frequently, until finally it was happening once or twice a month. I told her I couldn't stand it any more and asked her to go with me for counselling. She declined, but did get a prescription for an antidepressant which seemed to help for awhile. Then it happened again, and something inside me just sort of gave up. I admitted to myself that this rage was an integral part of her personality, and would likely remain so for the rest of her life. About this time I also started to experience intermittent erectile dysfunction. When I suggested that maybe I should see a doctor about it, she said "Don't bother, I haven't been interested in years". That was two and a half years ago and we haven't had sex since. I'm mostly beyond anger and blame now, and I feel like I have forgiven her, but emotionally I still don't trust her. Is it possible to forgive, but still not trust, or does the lack of trust mean I haven't really forgiven her? It's bad enough having to give up sex, but the lack of intimacy is what's hardest to bear. We get along OK on a practical level, but the juice has gone out of our relationship. The curious thing is that since we stopped being intimate, she hasn't had a single fit of rage. I don't know how to interpret this, and I really don't know how to improve the situation. Any ideas?

My husband and I are going through a bankruptcy and it is very stressful. I found myself screaming at my love for no reason at all. Stress and preforming sex seems to go hand in hand. You've developed ED and she already had it (so to speak) before you did. There has to be some OTHER problem that is leading to all your stress.