[talaniman]

You know guy, you would save yourself a lot of torture if you realized this isn't about her, the relationship, or NC. Its about you coping with your own feelings. The sooner you realize its yourself your fighting here, the sooner you can have a positive plan to help you cope with NC!

[BillRoland]

I get it. The concept of NC is used to heal and move on with your life. It's the only healthy way to move on - because maintaining contact or hanging on will only start the cycle over and cause more pain in the end.

The truth is, like many others going through this same thing, despite all the bad that we've been through over the past 5 years - I'm not over her. And there's still a hope somewhere that she'll come running back saying "How could I be so stupid to leave you and take you for granted? let's work this out". When the reality is, even if that happened, most likely weeks or months down the road, we would be right back to where we were. The counter argument to this is, we were/are meant to be together, we were just too immature previously, and it took this long and us being apart to realize it. While this is not likely, no one can deny that it could be true? There has to be a reason someone stays together for over 5 years. I guess what I'm asking is why does it seem that the standard advice of most people here is to call it quits, go NC, and move on with your life? Is it that in your collective experience, when something like this happens (i.e. one person wants time apart) - things almost never work out in the end?

So, as with most people struggling to get through the initial phase of NC, I made it 7 days and then caved. Was depressed this morning and sent an email in response to hers a few days ago, where I said, "I wish things didn't end like this either". A simple statement (not gushing please take me back) and a truth; I wish things didn't end up bad and us not talking. To which she responded, "That upsets me. I would like to have lunch with you next week if you are free".

I'm guessing: don't go to lunch (because she does miss me and wants to see me but doesn't want us anymore), go back to NC, and move on with my life?

[vanheart]

Yup.

[bella99]

Well really its up to you. Most people on here from our experiences are going to tell you its not a good idea, but you will do what you think is right for you. I went out to dinner with my ex a few months after we split up, and it was fun and flirty like before, but it only gave me a sense of false hope because the next night I saw him out flirting with some other girl right in front of me and I was devastated. It set me back a lot.

Collective experience is that maybe 2% of people get back with their exes and it works out instead of exploding in their faces. You two split up for a reason, and until that reason is truly resolved, it will always be in the background. This breakup may seem like it came out of no where, but generally the person who did the breaking up has usually been thinking about it for quit some time before comign up with the balls to do anythign about it.

[Homegirl 50]

There are many people that have been married for many years and the marriage dies. You dated this young lady for 5 years. She was what 22 years old then?
I would imagine after a while she may have just grown tired of waiting for marriage or grew away from you, it happens.
Leave her alone and move on.

[BillRoland]

Sh*t, I think my email opened the door for her. I decided not to respond to the request for lunch and maintain NC. A few minutes ago, I get another email "Real Nice. I heard you were making out with some other girl at LPP last night". FYI, LPP is Lincoln Park Pub a local bar here, but I wasn't even there last night and didn't make out with a girl? What do I do with this? If I don't respond, technically, I'm confirming something that didn't happen. If I do, I'm giving in to her control?

[amicon]

If you respond you buy into her attempt at manipulating you to break NC.

Don't reply-stick to no contact.

[talaniman]

She knows how to push your buttons to get a reaction, all because you can't control yourself, and just leave her alone. Your easy, and she knows you well, and really your wrapped up in defending yourself. Don't, do that, you can't win playing her game.

I know how hard it is for you both to leave each other alone, my gosh 5 freakin' years of attachment is hard to break. Trying to be nice here guy, but unless you focus on breaking the attachment, you will always be pushed away, manipulated in reacting to her, pulled back in for more.

Break the cycle, or keep suffering, and that's as simple as it gets. Do NC, the right way, and get better results than doing it your way. I admit, its very hard, but the results are... mindboggling, compared to what your doing letting her play your ego.

[Homegirl 50]

First of all you need to quit playing games.
You broke nc and contacted her, now you want to go on nc again and not answer her reply. Pee or get off the pot! You are digging yourself in deeper. Leave the girl alone or take whatever comes.

[bella99]

Just don't contact her. Might as well just let her think you were making out with someone else, who cares? No sense defending yourself, what is it going to get you? You really need to just STICK with no contact in its entirety stop changing your mind - it will only get you into situations like this one.

[BillRoland]

It has been a very tough couple of days. The sadness is almost unbearable at times. Since the email on Friday morning and not responding, I did not hear from her Friday night and all day Saturday. Today, Easter Sunday, was particularly difficult, as all I could think about was how much I missed her and wished I was spending Easter with her. My parents and family live overseas, so I have spent the last five Easters with her and her family.

This morning she called and did not leave a message. Then a few hours later she sent a text message, saying "Happy Easter, I never thought this is how Easter this year would be." I didn't respond, and two hours later, she send another text message "Good to hear from you. Why do I even try?"

Obviously sarcastics, but Try what? Is she saying she has been trying to make things work with me? I don't think so, right? More likely she is just acting out from me not responding? I want so badly to write back, but am trying my best not to. But I feel like I am doing it more because of spite and not because I want to move on. I don't. It's obvious I am not over her. All I want is her back, but I know that things will never be the same.

Here's what I don't understand, she said she wanted time but now she's the one contacting me and getting mad when I don't respond? If she wanted time, why continue to tortue me by contacting me?

[BillRoland]

Another call and this time a voicemail, it appears the NC had an effect, "F*** you. Thanks for calling me back. I am done with you. You had your chance. I hope you are thinking about what you lost right now."

Is she insane? She told me "she needed time", she "didn't want to see me" and "she didn't want to be in a relationship with me". Then she hopes I am "thinking about what I lost?" I am guessing this is just anger coming out because I won't return her calls and she thinks I have moved on? What do I do with this?

[vanheart]

Block her, delete her, whatever it takes.
Stay NC. Remove any further drama.

This is about you, not her.

[peekcachu]

Wow. This situation sounds difficult.

[vanheart]

Only as difficult as we make it.

[talaniman]

Yes it is insane. You are very emotional aren't you Bill? Yes she is still pushing your buttons, and at the right time too! She knows what this time of year means to you, and that you may be weak, or vulnerable. Don't think about what she is doing, or why, because it distracts you from what your feeling, and how to cope with it positively. By now you should have recognized a pattern, and made a plan to get through it. See where you want to be in a few days, and plan on the best way to get there. Its tough if you are isolated, and have no support system to help you through this. Being lonely is a terrible feeling, and motivates some bad thinking, and decisions, but nothing wrong with being alone. Which are you?

[bella99]

Sounds like she wanted her space to do her own thing - but she wants to jump into being friends right away which is NOT A GOOD IDEA AT ALL. For you to cope and get passed the horrible feelings u are experiencing u need to keep up the no contact - completely.

Since she sort of wants to be friends, or at least wants to appear that way (women are sneaky and have ulterior motives - believe me - I'm a woman) - she will keep contacting u - and keep getting mad that u took her for face value when she said she wanted space - you are giving her what she asked for - no turning back. You are going to keep getting angry voicemails and sarcastic texts until she learns to stop calling. She will do it to provoke u. If you dare to respond to her - you are going to be in for WAYYYYYYY MOOOORREEE angry messages from her -and you will set yourself back really far.

A. its normal for her to contact u still - Don't RESPOND
B. you are hurting right now - if u respond u WILL hurt more. No matter what she says to you, it will make it worse! The less u know about her and what she is doing the better.
C. To work on getting passed your emotional trauma - get out of the house - go to the gym, meet new people, stay active, learn something new, do things u have always wanted to do but couldn't because your ex wouldn't let u - whatever - just don't stay home - don't be alone - and don't let yourself think about this stuff for too long.
D. DO NOT READ INTO ANYTHING SHE SAYS TO YOU - good or bad - just leave her alone.

[Showme_urmove]

Wooow she sounds just like my ex, except she txted me. I know how you feel bro, my ex initiated the break up and she wanted to take things slow. Then when I ignored her and started to do the NC she starts txting me and say all this BS. Its all game play man, I think cause they can't except the fact that your not their running after them and crying for them, instead your ignoring them and trying to enjoy yourself and they don't like that, they want you to be on your knees and begging for them. Its really sick but you got to over see the emotional straggle that you are dealing with right now, and focus your mind for the future. Ask yourself what do you gain if you do talk and get back in the relationship? Just keep ignoring her bro and start the healing process. That's what I'm doing right now, I get some days where I miss her but not as bad as before and I am happy for that. Be strong and know what you want.

REMEMBER, RIGHT NOW YOUR EMOTION ARE YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY!!!

[vanheart]

Yup, all of that is right on.

I was thinking as I was reading Tal's response was that Ive been spending the Easter holiday for the past few years with my good friends. (holiday orphans, all whose families are far way)

When I got home, my heart was filled with such happiness to have them & those times.

Then I thought that a year ago my ex was there with me. (I can't believe its been a year)

This time was way better.

[emopunk7]

So it seems like she wanted out in so many ways but yet she is angry you are not at the back burner. I can see why that bothers her. I can only hope you are happy that you have kept your balls and dignity. You are putting her at her place. This will either teach her a lesson and she will miss you or she will show her true colors and disappear. If she disappears, she didn't love you and would have disappeared either way, only this time she won't have you to lean on. Either way, it's a win win for you. So start enjoying life now. Cook or workout or watch movies or go out doing an activity. You will be happy sooner or later and then you will meet your next love. If you found her, you will find another or better so don't worry about that now. Your mind isn't ready for that so it won't allow you to think you can find better. You have low self esteem right now. Relax and breath because you will be fine. Life isn't about one female. I know it's nice having one but it will come again and you will be happy. People have wives for like 40 years. Just because 5 years didn't work, you still have a lot more to go. You will find someone more mature now. Good luck and hang in there!