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levi83 · Mar 29, 2010, 09:16 AM

Just returned from my counselor, says that I have to maintain no contact with her or her family. Did read the letter and said it was good! But not too send it right now.

levi83 · Mar 29, 2010, 02:18 PM

So, because of the move, she has had to commute and has not worked as much, I am thinking of sending her some money and just explaining that because she had to leave and is now not working as much and has the additional expenses of commuting that I would like her to use this money. What are your thoughts?

talaniman · Mar 30, 2010, 07:53 AM

You send the money with no strings attached, nor any instructions at all. She will know what to do with it.

levi83 · Mar 30, 2010, 04:31 PM

You don't think that makes me look like I'm saying here is money, I am supporting you and you can't do it on your own?

I have an idea, let me know what you guys think. I am going to start writing her a letter each day, putting them in envelopes. And When she is ready to communicate I am going to give her the letters, and tell her this is what I wanted to send you but because I respected your wishes of no communication I didn't..

talaniman · Mar 30, 2010, 06:38 PM

Burn the letters after you write them. Boy you just keep coming up with more and more ways to get her to talk to you when that's not what she wants.

You don't think that makes me look like I'm saying here is money, I am supporting you and you can't do it on your own?

Since she is having your child, she requires some support from you, and that's with money, cash! That's it. Leave her alone except for monetary support, because lets face it, its not about a relationship, its about the child, and if you do nothing else, focus on that.

If not, you look like just another dead beat dad.

talaniman · Mar 30, 2010, 06:58 PM

The letters are only for when she is READY to talk, right now she doesn't really need money for the baby she is only 3 months along. And If I give her money I don't want her to take it the wrong was as the only way I can support her is with cash! I have

You could have written that out as a complete post, but NOOOOO, you have to disagree with me. Fair enough, I suppose since its you wondering what to do next. That's what I have told you, as you seem to be not only oblivious to the needs of your own baby mama, you are also inexperienced with pregnant females. You have tried it your way, and failed, now try mine, as I am a lot more experienced and know that winning her back is a stupid move because she hates you for now and that may continue for the rest of your life.

That's not even the point any more, your child is, and to say she doesn't need money because she is ONLY 3 months pregnant is very dumb, as I can bet she is already buying things for her child, and getting things ready. You fool, your money will go to stocking up on diapers, formula and all sorts of things babies need. All of which you know nothing about.

SEND THE FREAKIN' MONEY, SO SHE CAN PROVIDE FOR HER FUTURE CHILD, and you can get use to paying child support, without a court order.

As it stands my friend, cash is the only way you CAN support her so do so, or realize later the mistake you have made, yet again.

Up to you bud. Do whatever you want.

levi83 · Mar 30, 2010, 07:08 PM

OK, So I just wrote a check and put it in the mailbox.

talaniman · Mar 30, 2010, 07:22 PM

Make that the only contact you have with her. Every two weeks without fail. Get serious about being a good dad. That's the only focus you have now.

Whether either of you knows it or not, you are tied together by this child, and eventually will have to talk, and co operate for the best interest of that child, whether you are FAMILY TOGETHER or not.

vanheart · Mar 30, 2010, 08:50 PM

I agree.

But that's a great letter to read to yourself over & over.

Here's the thing. She's out. May be pregnant. But you aren't what she wants.

Asking for time, then asking for time again is a way of trying to slap you in the face, subtly. Without too much hurt on your part or an effort to make an eventual "clean" break.

The first stage in this whole thing is realization that's its over.

levi83 · Mar 31, 2010, 06:09 AM

Right now Vanheart you maybe correct, the reason she left is because Im not what she wants. But at one time I was someone who she wanted. Im not letting go just yet, I am giving her time and space. Eventually with help from my counselor and self-reflection on some errors I made, I think I can be the person she fell in love with. I will continue to hold on and do what I can from a distance, Right now that is supporting the child via money. Eventually we will have to talk and communicate. She will see that I have changed.

talaniman · Mar 31, 2010, 06:15 AM

Just curious as to how long you were together before she got pregnant?

levi83 · Mar 31, 2010, 06:16 AM

6 months

talaniman · Mar 31, 2010, 06:24 AM

And did you say you were already living together? How soon did that happen, and WHY?

levi83 · Mar 31, 2010, 06:27 AM

We started dating, and I lived 10-15 miles away and I would stay at her place on the weekdays and she would stay at my place on the weekends cause I had my daughter. After 3 months we decided it was hard going back and forth and we moved into a house together. We talked about it and we thought it made more sense to live together since we were basically living together already.

talaniman · Mar 31, 2010, 06:35 AM

You have a daughter? How old is she? Were you married? Seems you do have some experience with pregnant females. You know they can be mighty moody at times, and really not as logical as they could be. I am sure you pay child support for your daughter also, in one way or another, and must get along with her mother on some level.

levi83 · Mar 31, 2010, 06:39 AM

Yes I have a 4 year old daughter. I was married for four years. She sometimes would do the same thing and move to her parents and we would reconcile and she would come back. After awhile we realized it wasn't healthy and got a divorce. I pay court ordered child support. We are now very civil and get along.

talaniman · Mar 31, 2010, 07:37 AM

And you don't want it to happen that way again, I can really understand your position.

I also feel you had thoughts before that this would be different, if you somehow tried harder.

How long had you been going with your wife before she got pregnant? I ask to see if there is a pattern that you may have missed. Also how long before you moved in with your ex wife, if you did?

levi83 · Mar 31, 2010, 08:07 AM

I was with my ex wife for 3 months before she moved in with me and we got married after 10 months of dating.

talaniman · Mar 31, 2010, 09:01 AM

Wow, seems you make big decisions rather fast, and even you can see the pattern to your actions.

Time to slow down guy, and give more thought to your actions, and take a lot more time to figure things out, and gather facts.

Seldom do we chose partners that are ready for such life changing decisions in 3 months, nor do we really know someone in so short a time, as you are finding out for the second time.

If anything the lesson to learn is you can be civil after a lot of crap, to raise your child, and while that's a good thing, trying to change her mind (the latest baby mama) is not a great idea right now.

Sorry you repeated your previous mistake, and hope you have learned a lot from both experiences, getting females pregnant before you know them a heckuva lot better, as the lust was replaced with reality.

I see birth control, and support payments in your future, and a lot of bad relationships if you don't learn from YOUR mistakes.

I bet good sex is what's more important when you meet a female. And you both get carried away by it. To bad you never get to the point where the lust is gone, and you have to have more than just lust to carry a relationship into the future.

No wonder she hates you, she blames you for this mess, and can't quite see any good qualities you may have. She may never until she accepts her part in this mess.

Its going to take time and patients on your part as, having been through this before, you know what to expect, and have to back off and let her come to grips with this.

Last question, is this her first child??? I think deep down you chose females who fall in lust rather fast and don't like the consequences of moving in with a guy before they have any idea what it may mean for there future.

15-20 minutes away is not a long distance by car, and not a reason to miss someone, and make those kinds of decisions just to be with someone they hardly know.

But for a working guy with his own place, I bet that was enough to attract them any way.

Slowdown a whole lot with those females, or this will happen again, with the same results. Unplanned, and unwanted pregnancies have a way on reeking havoc to new romances.

I bet your past is already littered with some bad relationships that started rather fast. If not its already headed that way unless you coral your lust, and be more practical with your choice of females (as in the kind that use some sort of protection, but to be fair, abstinence is the only foolproof method of birth control), and take more time to find out who your dealing with.

levi83 · Mar 31, 2010, 09:18 AM

Yes this will be here first child. And I agree with you, right now is not the season in which to change her mind. She has a lot of resentment and emotions towards me. Only time will heal these. And when some of the pain is gone and we are able to communicate and get along. Maybe then she will truly see that I have changed the errors of my ways.