[Simssarnies8]

11 weeks ago, my wife told me that she didn’t love me anymore and wanted me to move out. I asked her why etc, and she said that I was too moody, shouted at the kids and her too much, and swore too much.
I did accept this, and have changed my outlook on everything, - but it seem a shallow excuse - as Ive never been violent, and most men are a bit grumpy with the kids and wife.
Ive never smoked, drank lots, done drugs, looked at other women, or done anything too bad really.

It was very hard to accept, as over the previous month or so, we had not fell out, had been kissing, hugging and made love, - and everything was instigated by her! - we had even been looking at houses in Cornwall, to move to?!
I spent the weekend asking her to reconsider etc, but she was adamant that her mind was made up. I did ask her if she was in or wanted a relationship with anyone else but she said no. She did admit that she had been in contact with another man, - an ex colleague that she had contacted on Facebook, but he was only giving her support and they were just good mates! Over the following weeks, she met, went out with, invited him to our house and has allowed him to meet and play with our 3 children, on a regular basis! It is hard for me to believe her continual denial of them being in a relationship, and she is even continuing to tell all of her family and friends that they are only mates! Hes even staying overnight at the house 2/3 times a week now !

Since she told me, she has never wanted to sit and talk about the problem etc, and has not replied to any of my letters or texts, on the subject of our separation.

To me the situation has been unbearable, like a torture, but after spending the first 3/4 weeks sending letters, asking her why and to reconsider etc - I have had to move away from the area, and am now trying to move on and rebuild my life

We have discussed divorce, which I first mentioned, but nothing has actually been signed yet.

We are now communicating by text and the odd call - and I'm trying to speak to and see our 3 young children as much as possible.

She has been being quite nice and polite for the last couple of weeks, but still does not want to sit and talk about anything.

Im trying to be nice back, and show a '' happy/not bothered face'' to her - but inside, I'm still totally devastated - that she seems to have thrown our 10 years away, almost overnight, and has not given me any chance to try/rebuild our relationship!?

I think its over for good, and she has not given me any signs of another chance - and seems to be still enjoying her new life, with her new mate!
Why is she continuing to say to me, her family and all our mates, that nothings going on - yet she spends as much time as she can with him - including the overnight stays!
What must our 3 kids be thinking or have been told?

Can you give me any advice please, as I still can't get the devastation, confusion and shock, out of my head.

Thank you,

Tony

[amicon]

It seems she is playing the ostrich by not allowing a decent,adult discussion about a separation/divorce.

That is extremely immature,especially since you have children together.

Bringing a new man,who is most likely a boyfriend into your children's life at this stage is way out of order.

I would get a solicitor and file for divorce and custody.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, she has no desire to get back with you, if she is still seeing someone else,

Sounds like she is merely playing you as a fool.

No one normally admits to an affair, if you want her to do that, you are wasting your time

[talaniman]

Get a lawyer, and get your divorce, as that will settle things in the proper way, and you CAN get on with your life.

[JudyKayTee]

He's staying overnight at "your" house two to three times a week?

Get out of the marriage - you are being played.

[Jake2008]

One thing to consider is that the two of them have likely been 'involved' for a long time. For her to so casually allow him in the house, and for the children to have to cope with you gone, and him there, seems very calous to say the least.

What I'm trying to say is that this is new news to you, but old news to them. It sounds like they have executed their plan, and are many steps ahead of you. You proving to yourself, or others, that she has had an affair with this man is really a moot point- he is the man in her life now, and a father figure.

There are times when you just have to accept the obvious, and take care of business. There will be a time when you can reflect and settle with the emotional baggage she has thrown at you, but for now, it is time to get down to business.

See a lawyer as soon as possible, without hesitation or delay- seriously, now. Get a separation agreement in place, and all other financial matters taken care of so that she doesn't add a second mortgage to the house, or ring up the charge cards. As long as you are 'married', and she only has a 'friend' you share the same responsibility with her as far as assets go. Also the children need to be protected with a solid order in place for regular visits with you.

Of everybody involved in this, the children will be the most confused, so it is important for you to protect their interests as well.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, but, your life will go on, and you will get past this. But for now, put the practical hat on, and do what needs to be done.

[Simssarnies8]

Thanks everyone, I know what I have to do, and am doing it.

I have seen a solicitor and want the divorce to start/go through asap !

Still hard to feel OK, but trying to only think of the kids.

[amicon]

I'm pleased you made that decision.

It's a tough call and it needs sorting out.

Get the best possible legal representiation you can.

I would suggest getting in touch with a local support group for men in your situation.

Best of luck to you and your children.

[Jake2008]

Good for you! It's a sad situation to be in, but, you are in good company. Many have had to do the unthinkable as well, and you will be glad you've taken care of business before anything unforseen happens.

While this is part of the solution for you right now, this is also part of a problem for her, because she will realize that the consequences of her actions are going to cause her some discomfort.

Be prepared for some unexpected reactions from her, but try to keep your focus on taking care of business first. Whenyou can relax and know that you have protected yourself, your assets, and your children, you will be in a position of strength, not weakness.

Let us know how this is going for you, and best of luck.

[Simssarnies8]

Thanks fr those words - and as it happens, the day after I get myself into the right frame of mind to move on and up, guess what - she text me to say she needs to speak to me later, after the kids are in bed?! Admission time, I guess!

[Jake2008]

Well, up to you, but at some point you will have to call the shots, and that might include saying 'no' to her.

The fellow she has sleeping over 2-3 nights, she still has not admitted as her boyfriend. There is probably a reason for this.

While she can deny that she has a new man in her life, to make it look like you and her are still married but just 'having problems', means she can do everything she's always done.

Think about it. She can use the joint credit cards, ring up the overdraft, put a second loan on the accounts, have the bills paid, etc.

Think about the why part. Why is she living a secret. Why does she wish to appear married, but is having a live-in boyfriend.

The advantage is to her, financially and otherwise.

Please, no matter what she says, get a separation going, and while that is in the works, keep your business to yourself.

As she has done I might add.

[SONOMAMA29]

I hope that call wasent telling you that she made a mistake and she wants to work it out. You finally have seen her ture colors and for her to introduce your children to a "new man" is gross! Stay strong and get that divorce! YOUR WORTH IT!!

[joelandasheyXx]

That is so immature if I were you I would fight for full custody over your children and leave her be with this boyfriend of hers if there is one, she is completely out of order bringing a new man into those children's lives now even after looking at houses in cornwall that really isn't right xx