[overanalyzer]

After reading some other posts, I admit that I feel assinine posting, but I could really use some objective views, so here goes...

I met a woman out a few weeks ago at a bar. After hitting it off there, our group went to another bar together before ending up back at my friend's place, the two of us making out into the wee hours of the morning like teenagers (we're both in our early 30's). After my friend and her friend clashed (an entirely different story), they decided to leave and drove me home. Though my new girl and I were both pretty drunk, I managed to successfully get her number when they dropped me off.

I called her about 5 days later, we had a good conversation and agreed to go out a couple of nights later. What followed was a couple of amazing dates where we just seemed to click from go. The stars seemed aligned. We share many common interests, views, experiences, likes, etc. Literally finishing each others' sentences at times. I have never experienced anything quite like this level of connection so quickly. Sure I have had several sustained committed relationships that were obviously more serious, but they were all more work. Even being in the early stages, this woman and I were just so effortless. It was astonishing to me the things we felt comfortable discussing with each other, even on a first date. Amazing. Each date ended up at my place. The first with us talking/making out all night on my couch (despite my attempts to take things slow) before I took her home at dawn. The second, with her crashing at my place.

We had another date scheduled for this past Saturday, but she cancelled. Friday night we had both been out with different groups of friends and texting back and forth. Things went sour with my group when one of them started some ridiculous drama with me (we're also co-workers, it was work related). I walked away from it (instead of escalating) but needed to vent. I ended up talking to my new girl and convinced her to come by for a little bit. I admit, bad move on my part, subjecting her to my venting in that situation. Even so, there was no obvious problem between us, she was very accommodating and great about it, I was appreciative. But I still felt badly about it the next morning, I shouldn't have put her in that spot (normally wouldn't). She texted me and said she wasn't up for that night that she had a hard morning and wanted to spend some time alone and think. I left her a message back shortly after apologizing and asking for an opportunity to make it up to her. I let her know that I think she's great and that I felt badly. That night I got a text from her thanking me for my message. She said that it's "sooo" not about me or the previous night at all. She just needs alone time right now for her.

I sent her a text back that I understood needing time, that I would give her some space and hoped to see her soon. I also let her know that I was here for her if she wanted to talk but did not press anything. As my name suggests, I overanalyze everything. It serves me well in my work but not so well in my personal life. After thinking about this non-stop for another 24 hours I sent her another text just saying that I hoped her day was better, I was thinking of her and hoped to see her soon. I was trying to be supportive and make her feel better, especially since she told me that her prior boyfriend never said anything nice to her. Any compliments I gave her (nothing overboard) just seemed to be so welcome. She also said she loved getting messages so I didn't think I was overdoing it on contact. I have not tried to contact her since this text, 4 days ago.

So, now I am just running over and over through my head where I stand in this whole thing. I readily acknowledge that I must sound crazy thinking so much about someone who I have known such a short time, especially when others here are asking questions about relationships of many years. It definitely sounds nutty, especially when outwardly I'm very "together" - she even told me I am (minus the nutty part, if you don't believe me, I don't blame you).

She is not long (a month before me?) off a prior breakup, was previously abused in another relationship and in therapy, but overall seems very much together and healthy. We all have baggage but she is not the instantly identifiable "crazy" person (I have dated a couple, she's different). She is very sweet, seems confident and heading in the right direction. Someone I would definitely like to get to know better.

So, what the hell is going on here? Have I been dumped? Is everything fine and I haven't given this enough time to play out? Is she considering her options? I could see any of these being possible. Also, sShe did "warn" (her word) me on date #1 that sometimes when she gets upset she just runs away for a while. Is this what's happening? If so, how long does it last? Do I just avoid all contact until she comes back on her own? Will she come back on her own? The not knowing and the overanalysis is really making my brain run.

I know all will turn out for the best in the end, I'm not mental (despite my ramblings) and not about to do anything rash. I'm leaving her alone for now. I don't think I have done anything egregious. But what do you think (other than I need to chill - which I am outwardly)? I thought of trying to call her after a week has passed just to see how she is and if I can gauge where I stand since I just don't know. We haven't had any formal breakup, we haven't really dated enough for one. I will definitely keep things light, not try to delve into any heavy stuff if I can get in touch with her. Just dying to know where I stand and don't want to screw things up.

Thanks in advance for any helpful opinions/advice. Just typing this out and anonymously venting has helped blow off a little steam. Believe me, I would never unload this whole thing on someone I actually know. I'm bracing for the comments that I'm a raving lunatic but I promise I'm actually a much more together/healthy person in real life. ;)

[ohsohappy]

How old are you? It's the one piece that you left out for those of us who don't know.

[overanalyzer]

I'm 32

[ohsohappy]

I missed that part, I saw early 30's after I looked at it again. Okie doke.

Let's see here.. .

You know from what you've posted she just needs what she's been asking for.

So here's my question? Why not try to call her tomorrow or something and just ask her how things have been going for her. If she sounds stressed then just talk until you pick up cues that she wants to go and tell her that you enjoyed talking with her again and hope you chat again soon.

She's probably still going through a healing process and realised that maybe she should take things slower. She might actually really like you. Maybe she doesn't want to make you the rebound guy.

Just keep it friendly, see how it plays out. Good luck. :)

[overanalyzer]

I'm wary of trying to contact again too soon. I figured I should wait at least a week, I don't want to overdo it and overwhelm her especially since I have no clue what's even bugging her. Also, since tomorrow is Friday, she's getting back into town from a business trip (no good) and Friday night is clearly a bad time to initiate, I think I would seem desperate. Yes, I overanalyze...

Anyway, does Saturday seem too soon? I'm thinking Sunday afternoon, give her a chance to get into town and have a little time to herself. I really thought about trying tonight but I don't want to initiate too soon.

Thanks for your input.

[amicon]

Red flags-she's recently out of a relationship,and probably hasn't healed from the breakup-and you both jumped into this really quickly.

Most likely she is having second thoughts,which is why I think you leave it to her to contact you-when/if she wants to.

[Showme_urmove]

Amicon is right. In the beginning you could have been the rebound for her, but then once she got to really know you and like you she doesn't know what to do! Just my guess. Give her space and go live your life, the more you dwell on what she is thinking the more your driving your mind wild. You can't control what she's thinking or doing but you can control yours. Save yourself some head ache and heart ache and live your life the way you did before you met her. I know its easier said then done, but just think of it this way.
Sounds like you are already sprung all over her, and you only know each other not that long. And your going crazy cause you can't talk to her for this long. Imagine if you 2 where dating for a year and she does this to you, How would you handle it, would you handle it worse or the same? Never let a woman decide your own happiness cause once that happens you are just setting yourself up for a big heart break.

[overanalyzer]

I'm doing my best to just live life normally, stay busy and keep my mind occupied with other thoughts. But it isn't easy right now.

Yes, it has been a short time, not sure if I would be feeling worse if it were a year in. My brain is racing like breakups from previous longer term relationships. I just know I really like this person, but the level/duration of thoughts does surprise me for knowing her such a short time.

I do want to just back off and give her time to sort out whatever is going on, but it's hard. I also fear that I could just fade away and be let go if I sit back too long. I'd like to give a call to stay in her thoughts but don't want to do too much/too soon and push her away. I know this isn't only my decision, but I just want a shot.

I'm not trying to let my happiness be in her hands, but I think she could be really good for me (and vice versa), if she's in a place where she's ready and I haven't blown it. I just don't know where things stand and I don't know what to do. Thinking again of trying to give her a call in a few days but could use any input at all from others with good advice. Looks like so far, two of you say to leave it alone and one says why not just call her. Thanks. Off to work which will (thankfully) occupy my mind for a while.

[talaniman]

As it stands there was a good time had, and you want more. NORMAL, but chill a bit, relax, give her space and let her enjoy her freedom, and deal with her life. If she had a great a time as you, she won't forget, and she will miss you, if you let her.

Given her history, and what you know, going slow can't hurt, because just because your gung ho, balls to the wall, she is NOT.

I think a phone call this weekend would be okay, as long as you don't push. Not a text, talking in a relaxed manner. Not a hook up, or trying to get time, but a catch up, so you can gauge where she is at and act accordingly.

Once a female knows you get where she is coming from and its okay, she will get comfortable with you, while you get to know her and see what your getting all stuck on mentally, and emotionally, without overwhelming her.

The stars may have been aligned right when you met, but now is the time to pay attention and find out WHO you have met. That takes more time, as I doubt she wants something very serious, or requiring any hard work, so just follow the pace as she is healing, and that has to be utmost in your mind.

What's the hurry, you have to see if your friends first, or can be. You don't run head first into a brick wall, you approach it cautiously, and check it out, so you don't bust your own head.

[overanalyzer]

talaniman, thanks for the good advice. Very solid. Some of that was already in my thinking as far as trying to give a call this weekend, not to hash out what's wrong but just to have a little contact and hopefully subtly reassure that I'm not trying to push anything. I don't want to overwhelm her.

Why am I in such a hurry? I don't know, everything just seems to be moving quickly, effortlessly here. I even told her on a date that I know she's not long out of another relationship, I could understand that and I certainly don't want her to feel pushed. But some cues from her seemed to help move things along too. She's very affectionate, touchy-feely (no complaints, it's nice) that sort of advanced the physical part. On our second date when she crashed at my place, I offered her my guest room and she told me that she wanted to sleep next to me, wherever I was (no sex, some clothes off and she dropped some hints that the next date would be the night). The little we did sleep that night was entwined together. She also mentioned that we should go to the beach some long weekend. Beach season is at least two months away so at that instant at least, she was already thinking of us being together months down the road.

I understand that doesn't mean to just go all out, and I have been trying to be restrained, but she wasn't exactly pushing away at that point. I also understand she possibly may have just been caught in the moment (and drinking some) and is now a little scared of it going too fast and is backing away. I just don't know and I run all his through trying to decipher the too few clues I have.

In any case, I'm going to slowly try to wade back in and keep things easy, after giving her a couple more days to get settled. Someone else mentioned that maybe I was her rebound guy and now maybe she doesn't want me to be the rebound guy. I don't want to be the rebound guy either. I'll try to approach the brick wall slowly.

Thanks all.

[hallie78]

Just call her and ask what you're asking everyone else! Your not going to get the right answer from strangers you'll get it from the girl! So just call her and ask! I'm only like half your age actually like a little less but that's what I would doo!

[overanalyzer]

Just called her and got her voicemail. I left an upbeat "let's catch up" message. Oh well, guess I will continue to be in limbo with her. Just hoping I don't get the "vanishing act" at this point where I never hear another word from her. I hate that one.

[ohsohappy]

Just called her and got her voicemail. I left an upbeat "let's catch up" message. Oh well, guess I will continue to be in limbo with her. Just hoping I don't get the "vanishing act" at this point where I never hear another word from her. I hate that one.

I hope you hear back from her and get a positive response. Now all you can do is wait. Nobody likes the vanishing act, it's frusterating. I hope for the best. :)

[overanalyzer]

Thanks for the positive vibes ohsohappy, it's appreciated! :)

Just trying to keep a good outlook on things. Finally did get to talk to my two best sounding boards on this stuff. Of course, one told me to call her (asked what I was waiting for) and one said why bother, she's flaky! Everything about this is just confusing to me. I do really want a positive conclusion, but also just hoping I get some sort of resolution. Limbo sucks.

[ohsohappy]

Thanks for the positive vibes ohsohappy, it's appreciated! :)

Just trying to keep a good outlook on things. Finally did get to talk to my two best sounding boards on this stuff. Of course, one told me to call her (asked what I was waiting for) and one said why bother, she's flaky! Everything about this is just confusing to me. I do really want a positive conclusion, but also just hoping I get some sort of resolution. Limbo sucks.

Whatever happens, you'll be fine. :)

[overanalyzer]

So... I finally have an update. She texted me a few hours ago. I'll err on giving more detail because, again, I analyze every detail to death - remember my name!

She started with a Hiiii! (extra I's - good sign!). She said she was sorry for being silent for so long, that she has been out of town on a business trip and intentionally burying her head in work to keep her mind off things (I did previously know about the work trip, she told me, a 3 day trip). She thanked me for my nice message from the other day (I guess I did OK with it after all - well thought out but doubted the execution afterward). She said she hoped I am doing well and that she's leaving on a vacation in the morning (I also knew about this one previously). She said she'll be back next week and will catch up when she gets back. Ended with a :).

I'm very relieved to have gotten a response that says I didn't screw this one up already by my actions. At the same time, I have no clue what has been bothering her for a week and a half and I wonder if this is her normal process of sorting everything out - just running away. I guess I'll see with a bit more time. That scares me.

I think I have gotten to a point where I can slow my head down for a bit and give this less thought for a while. I have beat myself up from several angles. I defintely have made mistakes along the way, but at least now I know it's not all me. There are some encouraging signs here, though all is not settled. I certainly plan to continue to approach this more slowly, and maybe her timing of contact was directed that way. Just a "hey, I'm alive and want to catch up, but not just yet" message before she goes off on her trip.

One question: better to send a very short "have a nice trip" text tomorrow or just leave it alone and wait for her to come back? I want to continue to give space but be welcoming, you guys seem to be spot-on so far.

Thanks so much for all of the outstanding advice and support! I think I will finally sleep well tonight, I'm exhausted!

[talaniman]

You need a social life that balances your thinking, as her gestures of friendship are just that, friendship.

What do you do for fun? Do you go out with friends, or are you putting all your eggs in her basket?

I see it as waiting for her to want what you want, and that's not happening soon, so keeping your own fun life going is a must to keep things in there proper perspective.

[overanalyzer]

talaniman, not sure I see your thinking on this one. I do have friends, multiple groups to go do things with. I'm not sitting around waiting for her to have something to do so I can finally have a night out, if that's what you're asking. I go out with friends all the time. She met me out with a group of friends so she knows they exist. I have dated recently, nobody seriously in a little while, but it's not like this is the first woman I have gone out with in years.

I do also realize I have typed way more detail than others, just trying to convey all info to get better response, maybe I'm not coming across as effectively?

Just not sure where you're coming from here. Miscommunication?

[Showme_urmove]

I'm glad she finally contacted you! I agree with tal, Don't put all your thoughts, hope, and all your happiness revolving around her. Just think of it as, if we do get together I'll be happy if not its OK. But don't put all your emotion about her, meaning don't think of her 24/7 and the good times you 2 had. So if she doesn't want to be in a relationship yet you won't be as heart broken. Just an advice to give, I could be wrong but only she know what she's feeling. And you can only control your own emotion. Not hers. I hope you have a good future with her, we need some happy ending here lol. Good luck.

[talaniman]

But you aren't going out are you? That's my whole point, you want to but she doesn't because she is busy, unavailable, and more to the point healing.

That could take a while, a long while. So keep yourself busy on what you have in your own life, and as far as she goes, who can know?

It's a fascinating thought, hoping for a chance with a female, but be realistic here fella, and don't get carried away by your own feelings at this point.

Trust me, fantasies like this only make you waste time when you could be enjoying other options to the fullest.

Yes, until it happens, its only a fantasy. I hope you get a chance, but you can bet I have seen many in your position be hurt by hoping for something that ain't happening, but they wait any way, and then have a hard time readjusting to what's really going on in there lives.

That's my advice to you, a guy who admittedly analyzes every detail. Don't see every time she contacts you as a chance for more, and pay attention to what's in front of you now. If your going to analyze everything, you need facts, or you will just make things up as you go along, to fit your feelings. And worse, you miss what's happening, or could happen, right under your nose.

So just trust me about the life that makes you happy, because one thing that stood out from the beginning is how she moves about at will, and you don't. That's a fact to deal with.