[Bobbi6185]

Hi my name is Bobbi. I am 28 years old. I am a single mother of a almost 3 year old. We have been going through a lot of things at home lately. I lost my job and my no good boyfriend did not do anything except sit at home and yell at my son and I for things we were doing wrong. My boyfriend started to get angry with me everyday yelling throwing things calling me names all in front of my son. My sons father lives 2 hours away and always tells him he's coming but never shows up and doesn't call. My mom buys my son everything he wants and tells me that I'm not disciplining him right. I recently kicked my boyfriend out. I still don't have a job but I have turned all my attention on my son because he does what he want he hits me spits on me pulls my hair throws things at me calls me names. I am the only one he does this to I don't understand its just him and I at home and I no that I made some mistakes and pushed his needs away and now I'm trying to be a better mom and he isn't allowing me to. I cry all the time because I feel like I'm lost please help me what do I do is it to late.

[tickle]

Bobbi, your son is a three year old, not able to understand most situations yet. You have to get control and initiate some tough love. The next time he spits at you (so disrespectful but he really doesn't know why he is doing it!), make him take time out. Send him to his room. Initiate control and you have to start LIKE NOW. Tell your mom to stop buying for your son, that is not helping.

Can you afford to have him in daycare part of the day ? It will put down ground rules for him to learn that he has to treat people with respect, it will also teach him some social lessons.

Good luck

Tick

[Jake2008]

A three year old picks up on verbal and visual cues from those that are supposed to be providing a loving, nurturing, non-violent environment. If all your child has known is violence and anger, he also knows how to respond the same way by screaming, spitting etc. to communicate.

If what you described happened between you and your boyfriend, had instead happened in a classroom or daycare centre, there would be hell to pay for the abusive behaviour toward the children, and the lack of skill. Why should parenting have lesser standards.

You have allowed the development of this child to mimic the same path you were on, and suddenly expect it to change by giving him more attention. All he knows in his three short years is what he has himself experienced.

While I applaud you for getting rid of the boyfriend (what an example he's set in a parenting role), you are now faced with undoing the damaging behaviour that has resulted from poor parenting. I'm not saying you don't love your son, and I'm not knocking you, but, as he needs to learn appropriate responses and behaviours to have his needs met, instead of acting out what he knows, you as well need to learn how to appropriately respond to his needs, without allowing him to escalate his behaviour, and giving in.

What he needs is a strong parent to set boundaries, with consequences. It isn't rocket science, but it is just as hard to change behaviour, and teach a small child how to accept boundaries, and that no means no.

You are starting now, and parenting your child appropriately with discipline and consequence is the best possible, and only, way to undue what he has learned, and replace the bad behaviour, with good behaviour.

Why not enlist the help of your local social services for counselling and parenting classes. Do some research online, go to the local book store or library and get good information. Ask your family Doctor for referrals for groups for parents; anything and everything you can get your hands on, for practical, supportive help.

As to your mother, you need to set limits there as well. YOU are in charge, it is your child. Insist that if she wants to help out with essentials like diapers, formula etc. that's fine, but unless it is a special occasion like a birthday or Christmas, any and all excess will be returned. Same with his diet. His development will also be undermined if your mother takes him to fast food outlets, or buys a lot of junk food for him. Be specific with her about what she can and cannot do.

You have a lot of resources available to you to turn this all around, and have a loving relationship, two-way, with your son- the way it should be.

Make that your goal, and don't let anybody stop you.

[Bobbi6185]

My son has been in a pre school setting daycare since he was 10 months old. He wasn't around any of the fighting and argueing until the last 6 months. He has done a complete turn around not only have I noticed it the daycare has to. I let this go on for 6 months with my boyfriend thinking that he would go back to how he used to be and he didn't so I put him out. That doesn't make me a bad mother I let something get in my way for a min and realized what I was doing and I took care of the problem I have never turned all my attention away from my son nor did I neglect him.

[Wondergirl]

My son has been in a pre school setting daycare since he was 10 months old. He wasnt around any of the fighting and argueing until the last 6 months. He has done a complete turn around not only have i noticed it the daycare has to. I let this go on for 6 months with my boyfriend thinking that he would go back to how he used to be and he didnt so i put him out. That doesnt make me a bad mother i let something get in my way for a min and realized what i was doing and i took care of the problem i have never turned all my attention away from my son nor did i neglect him.

I have no doubt you love your son. Love means you may have to take extreme measures like with tough love. I reiterate what Jake said to you: "What he needs is a strong parent to set boundaries, with consequences. It isn't rocket science, but it is just as hard to change behaviour, and teach a small child how to accept boundaries, and that no means no."

[Jake2008]

As often happens, with more information, the picture changes. :)

It is a relief to me that your boyfriend was not a major influence in his life for a long time.

You are NOT a bad mother, as a mother who's made years of mistakes myself, I'm the last one to say anybody else is!

It is good that he's in daycare, and you're talking to the people in charge. His behaviour may only be temporary. Important to enforce discipline, time-outs etc. and reward good behaviour, as you are probably doing.

It sort of reminds me of teenagers. I've had two (plus a few strays), and the sweetest, most kind and polite well-raised kids suddenly turn on a dime and you don't know who they are. Much of this, and perhaps with your son too, could be just age related. Personally, I found three year olds much more difficult to manage than two year olds.

I'm glad you are much further ahead than your original post indicated. Do what you can, that's all any of us can do. Don't be shy to ask for specific advice for specific problems; many of us have dealt with some huge problems with our kids along the way.

All the best to you.

[Bobbi6185]

When he wants something and I tell him no, he gets mad and starts crying and tryes to get it anyway, then I exsplain to him why he can't have it. He then starts hitting me and yelling I don't like you anymore. I try to make him sit but he keeps getting up over and over so now I just put him in his room and let him go until he's finished then I talk to him but during this time he's yelling throwing things kicking the wall breaking his toys. What do I do when he does that. Because when he wants something again it's the same thing every time I say no

[tickle]

My son has been in a pre school setting daycare since he was 10 months old. He wasnt around any of the fighting and argueing until the last 6 months. He has done a complete turn around not only have i noticed it the daycare has to. I let this go on for 6 months with my boyfriend thinking that he would go back to how he used to be and he didnt so i put him out. That doesnt make me a bad mother i let something get in my way for a min and realized what i was doing and i took care of the problem i have never turned all my attention away from my son nor did i neglect him.

I think any single mom has a lot to cope with, bobbi. The fact that you are on here asking questions is a good indication that you are seeking help to deal with this unfortunate happening with your little boy because you care deeply.

Tick

[Wondergirl]

When he wants something and i tell him no, he gets mad and starts crying and tryes to get it anyway, then i exsplain to him why he can't have it. He then starts hitting me and yelling i dont like you anymore. I try to make him sit but he keeps getting up over and over so now i just put him in his room and let him go until hes finished then i talk to him but during this time hes yelling throwing things kicking the wall breaking his toys. What do i do when he does that. because when he wants something again its the same thing everytime i say no

I think you are talking and explaining too much. Keep it short and sweet and simple -- NO. Calmly repeat it as many times as you have to, but don't make it a running commentary. He doesn't care why or why not. All he cares about is if he gets something or not.

After you say no, then move him into an activity or start one yourself and invite him to join you. You can sit on the floor with blocks and little cars and make garages and move the cars in and out of them. Or put on your jacket and hold out his to him to put on and say, "Let's go for a walk" or "Let's play with the ball in the back yard" -- some large-muscle activity to get him moving in a different direction from tantrum-ing.

[QLP]

Some rules you need to stick to:

1. No means no. Doesn't matter what he does once you have made that decision you stick to it. Give in to his bad behaviour even once and he will never give in.

2. Distraction. As wondergirl suggets, keep him busy, suggest things for him to do. 'Let's do this', 'Look at that', 'Show mummy what your toy car can do'.

3. Positive reinforcement. Praise all good behaviour even that which is very small. 'You ate all your soup nicely well done.' 'You played nicely while mum made tea, good boy.'

4. No violence. If he hits you make him stop immediately. Tell him that hitting you is naughty, not allowed, whatever your expression for it. Make him sit quietly until he calms down. So he keeps getting up over and over again... - put him back over and over again. Yes it's a pain and goes on forever but once he knows the score it will get better.

5. Attention. Make sure you spend time together having fun and you take a genuine interest in what he is doing whenever you can. A lot of bad behaviour is attention seeking.

6. Persistence. Yes it will be jolly hard work for a while but stick with it. You will get there and it will get easier. Remember you're the mum and as tickle says your rules go so don't allow your mum to undermine you. Decide what is acceptable with treats etc from her and stick to it.

Finally, try and make sure he gets plenty of exercise, running around at the park will burn off a lot of excess energy that could turn to bad behaviour, plenty of sleep, and a good diet, and keep trying to show him the love you obviously feel for him, he will let you in given time.

Best wishes to both of you.

[redhed35]

There are soon really great suggestions in all the posts,I just wanted to add,have you tried a 'naughty chair'?

If not,it's a tried and tested method that really works,children thrive when they know the boundries,make sure to give him a warning first,and stick to it,only leave him for 1 minute per year of his age.