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ledbyfaith · Feb 20, 2010, 11:28 AM

My husband's Grandfather is at the hospital dying about 30 minutes in distance from us. My husband is there. My spouse and I have been married 6 months and I have only met his Grandpa one time. My spouse took his child from his first marriage there, but is more comfortable for me not to be there with him and the family.

Catsmine · Feb 20, 2010, 11:33 AM

Did you have a specific question?

One should always support one's spouse, especially when they're not thinking straight, then discuss the situation with the spouse in private.

ledbyfaith · Feb 20, 2010, 11:52 AM

Yes... Sorry. How should I respond? I know I would want my spouse there with my Grandparent and family in that situation. As well, I know that some of his sisters and his cousins spouses are there at the hospital today. I get along GREAT with his family - but am NEW to the family. Only married 6 months. Do you believe he is uncomfortable with me being there because of this new marriage? Or because he handles these things better alone? Or do many people just see spouses as outside the biological family, and I missed that? How should I respond?

Catsmine · Feb 20, 2010, 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by ledbyfaith

Yes.... Sorry. How should I respond? I know I would want my spouse there with my Grandparent and family in that situation. As well, I know that some of his sisters and his cousins spouses are there at the hospital today. I get along GREAT with his family - but am NEW to the family. Only married 6 months. Do you believe he is uncomfortable with me being there because of this new marriage? Or because he handles these things better alone? Or do many people just see spouses as outside the biological family, and I missed that? How should I respond?

He's caught up in his own pain and grief right now, he's not thinking. Don't ask for permission, just get in the car with him. If he has a problem, explain that he needs you there, whether he thinks so or not.

Alty · Feb 20, 2010, 12:07 PM

I agree with Cats. Maybe he feels that you would be uncomfortable because you only met the grandfather once.

Talk to him, tell him that you want to be there for him during this difficult time, that you love him and his family and you think it's important to deal with this as a family.

I think deep down he does want you there, who wouldn't want the support only a spouse can offer during a hard time?

Talk to him. Really, communication is key in any relationship.

ledbyfaith · Feb 20, 2010, 12:15 PM

But he is already there. I have sent him a message asking if I can come, no response. I have sent him 2 more texts, even one asking which hospital, he will respond to each question but the question that I would need answered to come there and support him. I keep thinking that this might just be my spouse's way to handle things. We have a good marriage and I know he believes that I love and support him and I know he loves me. Sometimes he is very much a loner and very much deals with things on his own. He didn't even tell me the Grandfather was in the hospital. I found out this morning because he got the call and left at 6:30am, rushed out, left his son (my stepson)with me, and then came back to get his son to take him to the hospital. But does not feel I should be there, I believe. He will not respond to my attempts and requests. If I showed up (by finding the hospital) I think he would be upset and feel I was pushing my way in... Does that sound crazy? Thank you for the feedback. I don't know what to think.

Catsmine · Feb 20, 2010, 01:41 PM

Originally Posted by ledbyfaith

But he is already there. I have sent him a message asking if I can come, no response. I have sent him 2 more texts, even one asking which hospital, he will respond to each question but the question that I would need answered to come there and support him. I keep thinking that this might just be my spouse's way to handle things. We have a good marriage and I know he believes that I love and support him and I know he loves me. Sometimes he is very much a loner and very much deals with things on his own. He didn't even tell me the Grandfather was in the hospital. I found out this morning because he got the call and left at 6:30am, rushed out, left his son (my stepson)with me, and then came back to get his son to take him to the hospital. But does not feel I should be there, I believe. He will not respond to my attempts and requests. If I showed up (by finding the hospital) I think he would be upset and feel I was pushing my way in...... Does that sound crazy? Thank you for the feedback. I don't know what to think.

Is this your husband talking or your insecurity? Go be with your husband.

Big Auntie · Mar 18, 2010, 04:35 PM

Can you call his mother and talk to her about this? Maybe your husband does not want you to see him be emotional. Perhaps by expressing your concern with his mother she can help you sort this out. She would probably be able to tell you which hospital the grandfather is in as well.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 18, 2010, 05:14 PM

You need to be with him, it should not even be a question or issue, esp so close

You go, stop asking Permission ( is this pre school) you go and be with your husband at this time of his loss and pain

dontknownuthin · Mar 19, 2010, 10:19 PM

I think you can either go or not go - whichever you are more comfortable with. Either way, you need to discuss the matter with your husband later outside of the emotions of the immediate situation. You've offered your support and practically forced it on him but if he's turning away, you don't have to continue to force it on him. I would worry about whether he's hiding something from you - this is weird behavior.